Zoo Keeper, Alarms & Nursery Rhymes

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there doing their thing and to the moms doing double duty. Hope everyone had a great Father's Day Weekend and enjoyed the love and spoiling from your kids and grandkids.

With all this rain we've been having, our backyard looked like Little House on the Prairie with the grass blowing in the wind. Kind of like this:

I admit that the overgrowth of grass was partly my fault and partly Mother Nature just being a complete bitch and constantly dumping rain on us. I was more concerned with the front of the house so I would just tell Mike to cut the front grass. Then one morning I looked out back while getting coffee and couldn't find our fire pit because our lawn ate it. Then I decided it was time for a trim. Mike suggested going out with a machete and hacking it first but opted for the good old suburb way and used our lawn mower. 

Now we have about an acre and a half in the back and NO we don't have a ride mower, that's why I gave that chore to the oldest son. See what I did there? Delegate baby, delegate. In any event an hour into cutting the grass Mike comes in and says, "Hey look what I found in the back yard?" I immediately think, with that much grass and all this rain, please tell me a wee little leprechaun left us a pot of gold!! Nope! This is what he found and comes walking into the living room with:

Yep! Just what we needed another four legged creature. While my wife is like "Oh my god, how cute?" and our little guy is saying, "Can we keep him?" Then our daughters are naming him and saying "awww I want him to stay with us!" I just kept repeating the word NO. It kind of went like this:

        Oh my god, how cute?  NO
        Can we keep him? NO
        Aww I want him to stay with us? NO

Between the cats, the dogs, the turtle, the moth friend Mike made one night that was flying around our home, the groundhog that lives under our shed, the fox that visits frequently I pretty much have a zoo and am about to charge friggen admission. Can we keep him...psssssh.

So the grass is freely cut and Mike put the turtle all the way in the back of the yard so he could go be with his turtle friends. The next morning I wake up look out the window while getting coffee, smiling getting ready to take my first sip of coffee; when all of a sudden I see the fucking turtle slowly trotting through the yard like he's a resident:

Moving on. So I'm pretty sure everyone has alarms they set on their phones. I have an iPhone so my alarms, yes plural because I snooze a lot. Here's a picture of what my alarms look like:

I have to say I am little disappointed in their choice for alarms. Like seriously how the hell to you expect me to wake up to something called "star gaze" or "twinkle". Not happening. So I set my alarms to Cry Baby by Janis Joplin. Talk about waking up to Janis belting out that first note first thing in the morning, where she just screams. You wake up feeling like you were on the same shit she was on back in the day. Waking up all like:

Well one morning last week Janis decided she wasn't singing. Good thing my internal alarm clock knows when I'm late as hell. I woke up to see my alarm going off silently saying "Good Job, now you're late". I frantically wake Tammy up who said her alarm didn't go off either. Of course it didn't because we found it under her pillow. At what point does the alarm just say "fuck it, this bitch isn't getting up" and stops going off? Isn't that the point of hitting snooze anyway, so you don't wake up late? Totally disappointed with my alarm and Janis for not wanting to scream. I had a few choice words for Apple and Janis that morning:

Seriously what happen to solid work ethic and consistent performance in today's society? 

One random afternoon I was sitting at the table with my wife having coffee when all of a sudden we heard the song, "If You're Happy and You Know It" playing from upstairs. Then all of a sudden we heard Alessandra start singing along. We both just turned to each other and looked at each other like:

So naturally in my true sarcastic sense I yelled up to Alessandra and said, "is Wheels on the Bus" next? She yelled down, "No, the Hokey Pokey is on next!" Not exactly the response I was expecting, nor was I even going to ask why nursery rhymes were the Spotify playlist of the day so we just went with it. I mean at this point we've come to the conclusion that in order to live in this house you have to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic or just like Survivor: 

It's simple, if you're driveway don't go all the way to the street in this house it's:

Moving on to my last rant of the night... dog toys! What the hell is the point of putting those squeaky things in the center of all the dog toys. Someone please enlighten me as to why this is necessary. I can tell you right now that whoever invented this idea is a sick individual sitting in his scientist room in a mansion somewhere looking like this:

First of all, the squeaking drives the pet owners to the point where they want to get down on all fours and rip the shit out of the toy with their teeth until they find the magical squeaker. Secondly the same applies for the dogs playing with the toys! Do you know how many squeakers I've found since we've owned dogs? Enough to be sitting in that bastards mansion along with him. We ended up throwing out all the dogs' toys and buying them one giant rope toy. Go ahead doggos have at!