walmart Santa & The gaydy photoshoot
Well now that all the Christmas shopping is done and over with, the dreaded job of wrapping all the presents has fallen upon us. Just kidding, we make the kids do that shit! They all know we bought the shit, they can at least wrap it! Santa is done retired up in this bitch! The only job left for me to do is OCD organize the presents under the tree early Christmas morning. Now, I would do that parental duty late Christmas Eve night, but most likely I will have one too many Coquitos’ looking like this:
Besides, the cats will probably have all the presents unwrap come Christmas morning because they’re ASSHOLES!
So remember I told you that I wanted to tell our 9 year old that Santa wasn’t real, but the wife convinced me to go with her way? Well my wife’s way was to tell him that “Santa stops coming for little boys and girls once they hit 9 years old”. As if that was more believable that the fact that the sons-a-bitch ain’t REAL! Anyway last night at dinner I was talking to Anthony and I said “so what did you put on your list, since I haven’t seen it?” He’s all like, “mom has it!” Over dinner I said, “oh hey bud, I think Santa brought you one gift!” His eyes lit up and he said, “he did!”. I heard this loud thump, followed by an intense sharp pain in my shin from my wife kicking me under the table! It took me a minute to process what I did now, then I realized that we are no where NEAR Christmas for Santa to be bringing any presents! No worries, I quickly rebounded with, “I meant I think Santa is bringing you at least one present”! All smiles because I defused a sitiation until i looked over at my wife and saw this look:
WHAT?!?! I fixed it! Apparently I didn’t! My wife looks at me and says, “hunny we didn’t see Santa to give him Anthony’s list!” With the quickness, I responded with, “oh well, I saw him in Walmart, told him to surprise the kid!” With that, I looked at Anthony and said, “eat your corn!”
After we all ate dinner, my wife decides to announce that we were taking our family photo for our Christmas cards! Keep in mind, I was in sweats and a tank top, the girls were in pajamas, Anthony was in his pajamas and we were all stuffed from dinner! Prime time to take a photo that everyone in the world will see there sweetcheeks! She had this all planned out too, jeans and white t-shirts and no shoes. Of course the girls spent a half hour putting on makeup and doing their hair that they were only going to have to take off after the picture! Just some advice, don’t ever rush two girls putting on makeup for a photo or your ears will bleed by the screeches of “We’re noooooooooooooooooooot ready YET! Oh, don’t see anything wrong with that? How about one dog dressed as an elf and the other dressed as Santa? I thought I heard someone mention “what about the cats?” What about the fucking asshole cats!? We barely have enough room to get us all in the frame, you wanna throw 7 cats into mix?
So here we are 45 minutes AFTER we were suppose to already take the photo because two daughters, who I will not name were preparing for the red carpet, we start “getting into position” as my wife called it! Meanwhile I have Santa and the Elf running around trying to take off each other’s outfit off. I’m chasing Teddy around calling him Santa tripping over cats, Gia is rolling around trying to take off her elf hat. Anthony is sending me game pigeon requests every 2.5 seconds, meanwhile my wife is sitting on the couch all smiley and I’m like:
Finally after 30 minutes, 30 pictures, a leg cramp and a toe cramp later, my wife and daughters finally found a picture they liked for the Christmas cards! Sweats back on thank you very much! Oh but wait, I wasn’t done for the night because I had to rush at 9 p.m. and order the cards because ya know …. NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE RUSH WAS! It’s not like she was going to write them all out at 10:30 p.m. when they were ready for pickup and send them out! Happy wife, happy life I suppose.
IN case you need a visual of what the dogs look like before they went all cujo on each other, here ya go:
So this afternoon my wife send me a text to inform me that it was Gia’s 2nd birthday and we had to celebrate her birthday tonight! Sure why not, I mean it’s not like anything that goes on in this house is fucking normal! I came home from work and she proceeded to tell me that she got Gia a bag of bones and we would put a candle in one of them and she picked up Gia a plushy toy, because you know Gia loves plushy toy and we were all going to sing Happy Birthday to her because she knows it’s her birthday! Silly me, wouldn’t expect anything less!!! For the record Gia knew absolutely NOTHING about it being her birthday, she saw a bone and wanted the fucking bone, like MOST DOGS!
In case you’re all wondering, Bianca is doing much better, the pain is decreasing and we are no longer hearing about fish with no heads!