Twas the night before Monday, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse……FUCK THAT.. in THIS house? Please… that bed time story is full of shit! Bring your ass over to the Gaydy House “twas the night” before any friggen day and you’ll walk out with your ears ringing like you spent 4 hours at a concert! At some point, I think we acquired another kid! Not sure when that happened but she’s been here all weekend. She even came down this morning and said “good morning Mamas, I’m having coffee with you!” I looked up from my coffee like:
I’m sorry did I hear that right? Sounded like…like.. she said “Mammas”! When did this happen and where the fuck was I when this happened? Long story short the new kid is Mike’s girlfriend. So If I do the math that makes 6 kids and we still have Alessandra and Anthony growing up, which means that will eventually add 2 more to our total and make it 8 and then in the morning after I have my coffee, I’ll be doing this:
I think we need to invest in more than one coffee pot, possible three or four, 12 cups just ain’t enough in this house. These kids come down in the morning like, “ah yea the coffee is made” and drink our coffee! Yea the coffee is made ya little assholes, because I got up early and made it while you’re all snuggled in under your covers till noon! Don’t they know that the Gaydy Moms need at least a pot of coffee to even begin to function! Greedy little coffee drinkers, drinking all our coffee!
Moving on… so I mentioned in the last blog that Bianca had all four of her wisdom teeth pulled last week. Poor thing looked like a little red-headed chipmunk with a lisp. The oral surgeon had given her Percocet and her teeth. I’m not sure what the point of was giving her, her teeth that he just surgically removed from her mouth, but in any event, she couldn’t wait to show me! Keep in mind that she was so excited to show me, or I should say the Percocet made her excited to show me her teeth. So of course being the sarcastic mother I am, I said “wow, look how big they are, that’s why you had so much wisdom, now their gone, so there goes that!” Oh stop your gasping in shock like “how could she say that to her child?”, she was high on Percocet and doesn’t remember!
So before Bianca left to go to the appointment she was telling me she was really nervous. So because I’m completely obsessed with GIF images I sent her one of an orangutan dancing and made the stupid promise of dancing for her like that to make her laugh and feel better! I was hoping the Percocet would make her forget… yea nope! So here I am dancing like a fucking asshole for our daughter:
The things we do for our children! Does everyone remember when and if you ever had your wisdom teeth out, you know that they give you a needle, you go to sleep, you wake up and you’re bleeding and in pain. Remember? Yea well now apparently they do shit all different. Now they are all sensitive to their patients’ needs! The oral surgeon asked Bianca what kind of music she liked to listen to, then gave her laughing gas, before jabbing a needle in her arm! Seriously!!!!!! What the fuck? How come us old people got the barbarian, heartless dentists that just shot up our mouths with novocaine, used plyers and yanked those fuckers out and sent us on our way AND we didn’t get our teeth! So there she is listening to The Chainsmokers getting gassed up all silly informing the dentist that we have 2 dogs and 7 cats. Somehow she remember that her surgeon has a parrot with a mohawk! Well aren’t you fucking fancy with your parrot! So what if I’m a little bitter right now! I remember having to rinse my mouth out every 20 minutes with salt water, with a prescription of “get the fuck over it”!
Poor thing, she could only soft food, so my wife made her pastina. She kept talking about how she wanted us to get her a pretzel dog, which to be honest, I’m not sure if it was even real or something the Percocet made up. From the pretzel dog, she went to wanting sardines, to taking her to the Russian store and getting her fish. Not just any kind of fish, but the fish that the “heads were cut off and you had to cut off the tails”! I was good up until the headless fish! I looked at my wife like:
Look, I’m Italian, I’m not knocking anything, we eat all kinds of fish on Christmas eve, but If I gotta cut the tail off of something, we got a problem! Can we settle on some swedish fish? You can cut the tails off those……!
Our weekend ended with heading out to the outlets in 30 degree weather to try and finish up Christmas shopping for all the kids. Yep.. 30 degree weather! I’m not fond of jackets because I’m always hot, so I wore a sweater and left my infinity scarf in the car. Of course my wife informed me that I was an idiot for doing that. We may have has a touch of hypothermia and some frost bite, but we finally finished all our shopping for the kids and the bonus of the night.. I got to ride one of those 50 cent rids for the kids, it was Dino from the flinstones, so it was a successful night! You can see the video on youtube here:
The Gaydy Moms Hit the Outlets
Yes.. that’s right the Gaydy Bunch has a YouTube channel, so be sure to subscribe for more videos coming soon!