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Back to our regularly scheduled programming today folks! So I think I left off that my wife had convinced me in an evil plotting type of way to start Christmas shopping with her last weekend. I’m not even sure how it happened, I thought we were shopping for a fucking front door wreath. I was all for Cyber shopping man, sitting home all comfy just ordering all kinds of shit. Free shipping, yes please, gift wrapping, yes please, but noooooooo we have to take part in the Christmas spirit and duck and dodge through isles looking for gifts. I’m not even sure why I go, everything I pick out for the girls, my wife gives me this look:  You all know that look! The look of utter disgust and disgrace, that’s when I toss it in the bin and go look at something completely irrelevant to Christmas presents. I later come to find out that after dragging me around stores for three hours and me following like a little lost puppy dog, she came home and started ordering things online! I found this out by her showing me a list of things she already bought on her phone. There’s no way the kids will get out of me what they’re getting for Christmas, because I have absolutely NO clue. I’ll be just as surprised come Christmas morning as the kids. I made the sound decision to tell our little guy that Santa isn’t real. My wife quickly put the kibosh to that. She’s telling me that he should figure it out for himself! No, no he shouldn’t! Listen, at some point these kids are going to learn that Santa isn’t real, why drag it on? Besides, I’m getting real tired of some strange old man in a red suede suit that only comes around once a year on a magical fucking sled led by flying fucking reindeer, making our kids, “dreams come true” and getting all the damn credit! Think about it. Your kids don’t know it’s actually us draining our bank accounts on them for Christmas, running around like assholes looking for everything on their lists, fighting people for the last hottest item to hit Toys R’Us. Who gets the credit… a fucking old man that lives in the North Pole freezing his ass off all year, surrounded by elves and reindeer! If I was a kid again, I’d be investigating the shit out Santa. Come on kids, think about it, how does he know where you live, even when you moved? How does he always know when your sleeping so he can come into your house and leave presents? What if you don’t have a fireplace, don’t you wonder how the hell he gets in? How come everyone Santa in the mall looks different and where the hell is his wife, why ain’t she showing her face? You know why? Because SANTA is not real, you’re parents are Santa and are now broke ass Santa’s, but lets all belt out “Santa is the best” on Christmas morning; and by the way, we eat the stale cookies and warm milk that’s been sitting out all damn night! Every time I see a different Santa in the mall I’m like:  Don’t even get me started on the damn Easter Bunny…that over grown freak of bunnies, we’ll talk about that fuckery later on! Rant over, moving on. So this weekend I had to decorate the outside of the house, because ya know “Christmas is coming” as my wife reminds me on a daily basis! Now, here’s the run down on the outside decorations, last year I wrapped the banisters in those pre-lit green garland things and wired it into our porch light. Why you ask, well to begin with we have NO FUCKING OUTSIDE OUTLETS. How do you build a house and NOT put outlets outside?! I mean I get it that the house was built in the 40’s but I’m pretty sure they had electrical fucking appliances back then! Any who, my beautiful wife decided that last years outside decorations weren’t enough! Of course I can’t say no, I mean I can, but honestly I’m too afraid to say no to my wife so off to the store we go to get more decorations for outside. Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to get these decorations to turn on when I only have one fucking porch light! My wife and our daughter Alessandra had a whole cart full of decorations in a matter of 2.5 seconds. Hold up you overly happy Christmas outside decorators. I managed to convince them to get two things, which were a set of three Christmas trees and a set of 3 Christmas presents. So here I am outside in 30 degree weather, pitch black trying to Griswald the fuck out of our house and wire our new outside decorations into one source of power, hoping that this doesn’t happen:  After about an hour, I finally figured it all out and now the wife has more outside decorations and is happy! It’s ok if I have frost bite on my ears and fingertips.. all that matters is that the Gaydy House is a little bit more festive this year! There’s something about this time of year that everyone seems to lose their damn minds! I’m not sure if its the rushing around, finding the perfect gifts, or maybe, just maybe its Christmas Carols on repeat 24-7. Listen, I’m festive, I like Christmas, but do we have to spend every waking minute listening to “Baby It’s Cold Outside”? NO SHIT.. it’s fucking December! Better yet, do we have to keep listening to Jingle Bells and Silent Night? Silent Night depresses me, because there’s never a fucking SILENT NIGHT IN THIS HOUSE! Every day its Christmas Carols and Egg Nog, it’s like I’m in Christmas Hell and there’s no way out! Listen, there is only so much egg nog a person can drink before their arteries start to fucking close up on them! My wife is all smiley, singing Christmas carols, holding coffee with egg nog as creamer, scrolling through Amazon and Pinterest for presents and I’m sitting over here like:  Everyone is just a little Christmas cracked if ya ask me!
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