First off I want to start off by saying that all these children in this house and their germs need to go. I don’t care where they go but they have to get the hell out of here! They can all sleep in the shed outside until I decontaminate this house! Why you ask? Well, they’re germs had finally broke through my hazmat suit and layer of lysol and hand sanitizer. Yes I sprayed myself down with lysol and used sanitizer as moisturize, get over it! When you live with this many germ breeding, walking viral infections you do what you have to do to survive. It’s like a an episode of Survivor up in this house. In between the chills, coughing, sneezing and trying to breathe I declared:
Yes I may have declared that this is my island from my death bed and no one batted an eye, but it had to be said! So with me declaration I slept from Thursday afternoon to Friday night. Friday night my wife woke me up and forced me out of bed to eat chicken soup and drink her famous hot toddies. Then she force fed me liquid DayQuil. Now here is my question… if you want people to buy your product and use your product don’t make it taste like complete shit! Seriously why? Why can’t adults take medicine that taste like bubble gum like kids? I mean even dogs get medicine that taste like bubble gum but us adults have to take medicine that tastes like you drank a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Okay that was a bit extreme because I have never actually drank a bottle of rubbing alcohol but I imagine if I were to drink a bottle of rubbing alcohol it would taste similar to DayQuil and NyQuil. No matter how hard you try, you will always make this face:
Now I just want to briefly touch on the fact that while my wife brought me chicken soup, medicine and made me two hot toddies. I’m lying on the couch convinced that I’m actually dying, curled up in a blanket, trying to cuddle up against my wife for some “babying” and this bitch is getting the belly rubs:
As if that isn’t the kick in the ass, she’s smiling at me, as if to say, “Hahahaha you nothing human, you lay there and die because I’m getting belly rubs!” Just spiteful!
So today is my wife’s birthday and we had planned an overnight stay up in Saratoga a while ago with our oldest son, daughter-in-law, his father and wife (yes, we are really good friends with them). Now, I had to suck it up about being sick and drive yesterday to the hotel because it was the wife’s birthday celebration with our oldest son who lives in west bumble weeds. She’s smart, my wife, she waits until we are an hour into the drive to tell me that the hotel we are staying at is haunted. No big deal. Hold on everyone wait for it….it’s haunted because it use to be AN ORPHANAGE! FantChildrenTastic! Now this is where I draw the line…is there at all ANY time we can escape friggen children!?! We’re going away from our children for a night only to be tortured by ghost children for a fucking night… fantastic hunny! So now the whole ride up, I’m thinking if I hear this…..
We are out!
So we finally arrive after a nice 3 hours and 20 minutes of my wife trying to force feed me a buttered role that tasted just as nasty as the medicine, while pointing out every time we passed the Scooby Doo Mystery Mobile…yes this really happened! But the wife insisted that I needed to eat because I was taking medicine. Not to mention that she decided to periscope the entire venture of me trying to force down a butter roll….isn’t she pretty! Since the hotel was haunted, I’m hoping that at the least our concierge should look like this:
After we get to the hotel, get our key, given instructions on how to get to our room, we ventured upto our room on the third floor. Now I get off the elevator and I immediately feel like we’re staying in the hotel from American Horror Story. It’s that old, creepy style hotel that has the erie feeling in the hallway, that has the weird old smell. At this point, I’m waiting for Lady Gaga to just appear in the middle of the hallway like:
I told my wife if Lady Gaga jumps out and whips out the blade, first I’m gonna let her hug me then she can kill me. I mean if I am going to go out, what a way to go out but by Lady Gaga slicing and dicing…come on now! Sadly no Lady Gaga, but my wife insisted that the hotel reminded her of the Overlook Hotel from the movie The Shining. My worse mistake was saying that I never saw the movie because then everyone made me watch the movie, which wasn’t so bad until everyone decided to go ghost hunting on the fifth floor after the movie in the middle of the night! So here we all are, in pajamas, strolling through the floors of the hotel trying to “sense presences of spirits” and now I’m thinking if I see this:
Children spirits or not, they are getting the shoulder down, head down tackle! Look, I ain’t playing. There will be no “Herrrrrrrreeeeee’s Johnny” or “redrum, redrum, redrum, REDRUM” up in this bitch. This isn’t Ghost Adventurers and I’m certainly not looking to bring home any more children! Sorry but not sorry… you all can stay here! Bye Felicia!
So we made it home safe and sound and no new children that we’re aware of! Now we are getting ready to celebrate Mamma Tammy’s birthday with the kids and of course the kennel of animals that we have, because…you know…they’re family too!