Happy Saturday world! Remember a few blogs back when I said 2018 started out just as shitty as 2017? Yea well it's not getting any better I wake up every morning like this:
Listen I can totally understand the purpose of those whole motivational quotes that say, "Life is a game, play it harder"; however if I play any harder I'm going to need life to throw my ass a scholarship. So we'll start with the lesser of the fuckery and then move on to the holy shit God hates you fuckery.
I can't recall what day it was because all the days just kind of blur together, but the girls come down from their rooms and proudly announce that they are not becoming vegetarians. I looked up and said, "that's good girls", only to hear my wife say, "ya know what, that's a good idea. I think we should all become vegetarian!" With that comment she turned directly to me and said "am I right hunny?", with this look:
Now in my head I'm thinking, no this is a terrible idea! I'm Sicilian and Sicilian's not eating meat is like a...a.....a.... Sin! I mean you all see that look right? Would you say no? So here I am sitting on the couch with my wife and two daughters, who are staring at me eagerly awaiting my response so I panicked and did this:
After about 10 minutes, I realized what I had just committed to and sat there for the remainder of the night like:
Yea... so I'm a vegetarian now.
Moving on! So last week was a shittastic week, no pun intended. Now, you may all be wondering why I said "no pun intended". Well be patient dearies I'm getting there! I had just finished work for the day, was relaxing on the couch with Tam, when our son Mike comes in from work. Pleasantries exchanged, blah, blah, blah, he heads downstairs to his room and my phone starts ringing. I look down I see he's calling me and I decline it. I mean why would he be calling me, we just talked. So then I hear a yell from the basement that sounded like this: "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, we have a problem!" That's never a good thing for two reasons. One, because "we" usually means, "shit ma, you have a big fucking problem" and two the word problem is in the sentence. So I go down stairs and step off the last step into ankle high water and a horrendous smell. The smell was cross between gas and eggs. Lovely, I know. So I yell up to Tammy to call our gas company. In the meantime I'm trying to mop up ankle high water with one of these fucking things:
This mop clearly sucks when you basement is flooded. I finally threw the mop and resorted to throwing down old sheets, old clothes and lots of paper towels. At this point Tammy screams, "Oh my god, we have to evacuate!" Apparently our gas company told us to get out of the house stay about 300 feet away from the house and that they were sending the fire department. When I get upstairs, Tammy looks at me and says "grab the dogs!" Grab the dogs??? So lemme get this straight. You call the gas company, explain the situation, they tell you to immediately evacuate our home. You're half way out of the house and you tell ME to grab the dogs?! So I'm guessing you're okay with me going up in a fiery pit of hell, as long as the dogs are out of the house? Good to know. So here I am trying to get the dogs and Gia decides to start doing that dog juking thing. After about 5 minutes of me arguing with the dogs, I scooped them up, put them in the car, along with the wife and kids. Now I pull out of the driveway and park acrossed the street.
Tammy looks at me says, "this isn't 300 feet Kris!" I calmly turned to her and said listen, if this god forsaken money pit goes up in flames I want to witness it!" Keep in mind I have Bianca in the back freaking out about the cats. While we were waiting for the fire department, Bianca says, "I'm scared, can you grab the cats?" Grab the cats?? We have a friggen cat sanctuary! How the hell am I going to catch, hold and escort 8 fucking cats out of a fucking house that's not even on fire? What do I look like the friggen cat whisperer?! I told her the cats would be fine and the house wouldn't blow up!
On a sidenote, our Gas company was not playing around. Within 5 minutes, 4 fire trucks rolled up. I escorted the firemen into the house and showed them where to go, only for them to come out and tell me that there was no gas leak reading. Back in the driveway and into the house we go. I go back downstairs and continue trying to de-flood our basement when a guy from PSE&G shows up and comes down and says to me, "yea thats sewer water, call a plumber!" Well thank you asshole, I figured that out but why is it in my house!!!!!!!!!???? Tammy calls our plumber and explains the situation and he tells her he knows exactly what the problem is and to not use any water until the next morning when he gets there! Now you can imagine my reaction when she tells me that I can't shower at ALL, when I've been cleaning up sewer water for about two hours! If you can't imagine it, let me just show you:
So out came the bottle of lysol wipes and purell and that is what I proceeded to bathe in. Then I slept on the couch for the night because there was no way in HELL I was sleeping in our bed after playing in sewer water! The next morning I have the plumber and ServePro here. Plumber tells me that the pump to our sewage ejector pump died. Okay, thanks for telling me that because I had no idea we even had one of those! Then ServePro assess the water damage and proceeds to tell me that they have to knock down all the walls and rip up some of the flooring. Awesome, keep it coming. Meanwhile, while they're all talking to me, I immediately go here in my mind:
Here we are with a new sewer ejector pump, no walls and flooring in our basement with 6 heat fans that made our house sound like JFK airport for 4 days. As if all of the above was not enough yesterday our furnace decided to just fucking die! Yep. The furnace that my home inspector told me would out live me, just proved his fucking dumb ass wrong and fucking died! Not only did it die, but it died while we're still in winter, which I blame the fucking groundhog for! Meanwhile that little bastard is out there somewhere doing this:
Last night I ran out to the store and bought three space heaters. One for the living room, one for the upstairs and one for the little guys room. My wife and I both agreed that we can't sleep when it's too hot in the bedroom. Well, this morning we changed our minds when we woke up like this:
Needless to say, I went out and bought three more. See, you think that this would be the end but guess what? It's not. So now everyone has a space heater. They plug them in and guess what? Yep, we blew a fuse. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four fucking times! However on the brighter side of things, I'm a vegetarian which means, I can drink all the Jack Daniels I fucking want!