I’ve come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no point in weekends. Think about it for a second, what’s the point in having two days off if you’re really not “off”? What’s the point of having those “not really off two days” if they go by faster than a category 5 hitting a tropical island? I think whenever the work week was decided, we all should have been included in the decision making process! I think strike is in order. I know all you full-time workers/parents get what I’m saying.. so who’s with me? Let’s strike!!!!
Our Saturday morning started out earlier than expected and by earlier I mean 3:30am. Why so early you ask… let me enlighten all of you. Remember our puppy mutt Teddy? First, let me give you a little background on Teddy. The only time this dog barks is when someone comes to the door, he’s chasing a cat around the house or if he sees kids or another dog outside. Other than that the dog doesn’t bark. Housebreaking this dog has become Mission Impossible. At one point we had wee-wee pads set up all over the house as if they were mines! It was legit an obstacle course in the house between the wee-wee pads and the cats. You had to be extremely flexible just to get from the front door to the kitchen without tripping and falling. Eventually he got the point, not too long ago.
Which brings me to 3:30 a.m. Saturday morning. Here I am sleeping so sound, like a little baby all swaddled in a blanket dreaming of a deserted island with my wife, no animals and kids, a drink in hand and all of sudden it happened! Brace yourselves…. I awoke rather quickly to Teddy claiming me by fucking pissing on me! Yes… I was awake at 3:30 in the morning because our 8 month old puppy decided to piss on me. I know, you’re all probably sitting there going, “oh wow, that’s just gross”. Oh stop it! As if none of you have been pissed on in the middle of the night by your animals. I jumped out of bed and yelled “What the fuck is wrong with you? Answer me? Why would you do that?” I realize now that I was talking to a dog and no response would ever come except him wagging his tail in excitement. NO, this is not a good boy.. good boys don’t piss on their owners, especially while their owners are fucking sleeping.
Now I’m not sure what was running through his pea sized brain at that particular time he decided to life his leg. Maybe he had a dream that I got stung by a stingray and felt the need to piss on me to save my life. Maybe he was so excited that he got the wee-wee pad thing down, that in his sleep he assumed I was a wee-wee pad. My wife tried extremely hard not to burst into a fit of laughter, while Gia, the princess managed to pick her head up for a hot second and then burrow into the blankets. “This is my bed, my room, my house, I’m the boss, I’m your master!!” I angrily proclaimed. My wife reminded me that I was proclaiming my dominance to a dog that clearly didn’t give a shit, because he had laid back down on my pillow and fell asleep! Thank god for mattress covers. I threw the dogs out of the room, stripped the bed, put on clean sheets and jumped in the shower. The whole time my face looked like this:
I thought that I could just fall back to sleep.. yea nope. Our little guy decided that he was going to wake up at 4 in the morning to practice his water bottle flipping. What the fuck is going on here? I got up and went into his room and asked what would possess him to practice water bottle flipping at 4 am? To my surprise he was dressed in his halloween costume from last year (Inflatable Baymax- google it) holding his guitar in one hand! Where the fuck am I right now? Please baby jesus for the love of my sanity tell me this is a dream! I thought about smacking myself in the face to see if I woke up but then I realized that would just hurt and lets face it, I was just pissed on by a dog. He looked at me and said, “mommy I have an idea for a video. I’m going to play my guitar, flip the water bottle all while I’m in my costume!” I immediately thought to myself, one college tuition saved because he’ll join a fucking circus. I had no words, I just turned around, went to the kitchen and made coffee. Boy, did I pick a bad time to stop smoking and drinking!
Moving on… apparently Saturday morning was the morning for everyone to get up early! Soccer in the morning for the Circus boy, then football in the afternoon. Our oldest son came up to have coffee with us before heading to work. The girls were unlocked from their rooms and came down as well. The cats joined us all for coffee as well, because clearly they too think they run this shit! Our son Mike is an avid hunter and fisherman. He spent his Friday touring the beautiful landscape, fishing and scoping out spots for hunting. He decided to tell us over coffee that when you hunt you have no choice but to go to the bathroom in the woods and that its the most free feeling in the world. Ok, listen buddy, I just got pissed on by a dog, woke up to a circus in the room next to me, are you telling me I should go out in our backyard and pop a squat to feel free? If so, sign my ass up!
Saturday night was just as fun filled as our day. CJ our oldest daughter’s boyfriend came to visit and for some reason he carries icy hot with him? Not sure why. Not asking either. In any event our youngest daughter decides that she wants to see what happens if she puts it on her face. I’m all about learning your lessons so I’m not saying a word! Within two minutes she starts saying “oh my god its burning, its burning!” I calmly sat there vaping away shaking my head yes and saying, ICY HOT… HOT being the key word in that! All the kids are in the living room and a history debate breaks out between Mike, Ale and CJ. Don’t look at me, I hated school. Ale blurts out that Osama Bin Laden was the president of Saudi Arabia. Wow. That’s all I have to say… just fucking W-O-W.
This morning started out a little better than yesterday. I managed to not get pissed on, however the boy was up at 6:30 a.m. instead of 4 a.m. Seriously WHY DO YOUNG KIDS NOT SLEEP?! Do they not know what they’re missing out on?! I want to go back to being 9 so I can sleep all fucking day and not have a damn thing to worry about other than flipping fucking water bottles! For the love of childbirth SLEEP LATE!!!!! The cats were congregated outside our door like a damn mob squad ready to make a hit! Creepy bastards, go find something to do, it’s too early! Why do cats do that? Why do they congregate outside a door waiting to pounce. I often wonder what they’re thinking, or saying to each other in their meows. Seriously, are they sitting there telling the youngest cat to claw at the door? Are they all waiting outside the door so when I step I fall? Are they plotting my death or are they discussing a plan on how to wake us up so they can eat? Sneaky bastards, I’m onto you all. I know what your game plan!
Last night in a bit of a stupor I decided to go apple picking today. I quickly realized what that entailed for me, which was walking miles and miles through apple trees, picking apples, fighting with bugs and carry out thousands of bags of apples that no one could possibly eat in a lifetime. So I came up with a plan over coffee. I do my best planning over coffee. When everyone woke up I said “ok guys, there’s this really cool farm with a store and they have all kinds of great things! When we got there, I marched my ass right into the store, like a boss, showed them the apples that were already picked and said, “have it kiddos”! I win… for today anyway!