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Now that the house is officially ready for Christmas, we however are not! Then again, I don’t think we’re ever ready for Christmas. We always have this grand plan to start shopping little by little by early November, but that always remains a “grand plan”. We have so many damn kids that it takes forever to finish shopping. The rate we’re going, we should be done shopping for them by Easter. Ah well, at least we’ll be ahead of the game next year! Of course that idea will never fly with my wife so onward we go into the pits of shopping hell. So the other day my wife called me while I was at work all excited. I asked what she was so excited about, at first I thought it was because she missed me, buuuuuuuuut NO, she told me she got her AARP card in the mail. Now, I don’t known ANYONE that would be excited to get an AARP card but then you have MY wife! She starts talking to me about all the discounts and deals she gets by being a member and in my head I’m thinking, “wait, what the hell she retired from?” From the discounts and deals, she proceeded to tell me that she went to Dunkin’ Donuts and used her card and got a coffee for $1 and a free strawberry donut. I’m trying to figure out as quickly as possible what response would get me in the least amount of trouble, so I said “that’s great babe, so where we going for dinner?” That was good right? My wife decides that we were going to Denny’s for dinner because the only two restaurants that took AARP was Denny’s and Outback. Listen, I’m not one for complaining because a dinner tab adds up with 7 people.. Denny’s it is! Ok, first of all, why are Denny’s still around? They are the creepiest fucking restaurants I’ve ever stepped foot in. It’s like that restaurant or diner in a scary movie that the family who’s car runs out of gas goes into and everything is eerie and you’re just waiting for someone to kill you! Of course our little guy thinks it’s the coolest place in the world because they have that claw game in the lobby and he gets a Shrek cup with his meal. Meanwhile, the guy sitting next to me knocked on the window separator scaring the life out of me, literally just slid a coupon under the window without saying a word! I looked at my wife and said, “really, where the fuck are we right now? Is this the friggen twilight zone or an episode out of Tales of the Crypt!” The waiters were all monotone and lethargic as if some alien was sucking the life out of them when they went back into the kitchen. I was waiting for this fucker to come out with the check and thank us for being patrons of his fine establishment:  Can we get this shit to go please and thank you! The best thing about this whole situation is the creepy dude with the coupon got us 20% off when my wife’s AARP card was giving us 15% off, so FUCK YOU AARP and your creepy restaurant! So after we get home my wife goes on the AARP website and looks at me and says, “oh hunny, there’s so many restaurants we can go to, not just Denny’s and Outback.” NOW you decide to look at the friggen website? Didn’t that card come with instructions?! How about you jump on that website and see what kind of deals this AARP card can get us for Christmas shopping! I’m not sure if I mentioned it in previous blogs that with school in session the kids are walking virus’ and our house has become their incubator. Well in the beginning of this week I ended up getting sick and ended up sleeping the entire day on Tuesday. Now I stayed home from work to rest and sleep because I was sick, so my wife comes into the bedroom and turns on the light and says to me, “you sleep like the dead”. I’m sorry I thought that was the point! No? Silly me! In any event she told me that the school called to pick up Anthony (our 9 year old) from school because he wasn’t feeling well and had a headache. So she tells me that he’s in his room and he’s in there for the night. Apparently she quarantined both of us. Well the little guy decided that instead of getting up and going to the bathroom, tossing his cookies on his bedroom floor and then laying across his bed like he partied too hard the night before was more appropriate. I hear my wife taking care of him and meanwhile I feel like I got hit by a Mack truck and the ran over by a fucking bus and I’m in our room like this:  How does a headache a little bit of vomit trump that? This virus took me out for two days! I swear the next time any one of these kids gets sick again, I’m lining them all up and spraying them down with lysol! Oh stop..I’ll give them goggles but I will be all up in the Gaydy House like this:  So today our daughter Bianca had all four of wisdom teeth pulled. So was so nervous this morning when I left for work, which prompted me to immediately remind my wife to go live on periscope with her as soon as she comes out of the anesthesia because you all know that shit is hysterical! Listen footage is footage, gotta take the good with the bad! In any event she’s high on Percocet and talking about how she wants a pretzel dog when she can eat again and how Mom gets a free strawberry donut with her AARP card! Poor thing… stupid wisdom teeth.
Let’s end on the fact that Cesar Millan and Jackson Galaxy need to get their asses over to the Gaydy House STAT! Last night I’m taking a shower and I look down and our pup decided that walking through our shower with me was NOT crossing any boundaries. I attempted to declare my role as the Alpha in the house and how the shower is off limits to him. I thought it was going pretty well because he was sitting there looking at me, but then he started wagging his tail and then walked away like a little asshole. I come out into the living room to relax on the couch and I hear chirping sounds coming from the Christmas tree. Low and behold there’s our kitten Gypsy sitting in the fucking center of tree like a damn ornament playing fucking peek-a-boo! Now I have to fix the kitten size hole in the back of our tree this weekend! I’ve come to the conclusion that there is NEVER a dull moment in this house, until next time…………. |
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