Happy Sunday all you fabulous people out there taking the time to read the shenanigans of our family! So I got lots to talk about, so get some coffee, some alcohol or whatever tickles your fancy and settle in!
First let's start off with the summer. Now usually people start getting fit and ready for summer before summer actually arrives, right? Not us here in the Gaydy residence. We like to wait about a month before we leave for vacation, we're procrastinators. So my wife decided that the whole family was going to eat healthier (not that we didn't eat unhealthy, but I ain't one to argue with my wife), so here we are on a diet. Now as I mentioned in previous blogs, I've been eating fucking Kale for lunch for friggen months. In my head I'm thinking, short of starving myself what diet am I going on now! Wait for it..... ready? She, and by she I mean my beautiful, lovely wife Tammy tells me she wants to eat more vegetarian meals and eliminate meat! Now my initial reaction to this was:
Which quickly transitioned to this reaction:
So naturally I responded, "Vegetarian like as in vegan vegetarian? Like no meat or anything that comes from meat?" Her response was simple, it contained a one word answer that went something like this:
I asked if this was a topic that was up for discussion, she said no. I asked if this was a topic up for negotiation, she said no. Wife-1, Me 0. So here I am becoming a cow, possibly a horse, maybe even a goat.
As if the above mentioned wasn't bad enough we all have the Fitness Pal app on our phones to track our 1200 calorie a day diet. I'm sure everyone knows what that is, but for those that don't let me break it down. You have to add everything you eat and drink throughout the day. Now it doesn't seem so bad but when the app decides to tell you "your goal for fat for the day was 25% and you went over your goal by 45%" you start feeling a type of way. Like, I'm sorry who the fuck are you? I get 1200 calories and if I want to use my 1200 calories on some chocolate back it the fuck up!
So here I am back to eating salads every day for lunch, fruit and nuts for snacks. Oh and lets not forget your daily friggen intake of water that you have to log. My refrigerator is stocked with crates of lettuce and vegetables and my freezer looks like the vegan isle of any grocery store imaginable. We got veggie burgers, veggie chicken burgers, veggie hot dogs, veggie burritos, bags upon bags of vegetables, protein pasta, the list of the unimaginable goes on. Don't think for one second that my ass ain't in there in the middle of the night looking for a piece of chicken! Even the friggen milk has been replaced by Almond milk, NOW, that's where I draw the line:
Has anyone ever had coffee with almond milk? How do you do that to the poor innocent cup of pureness that is coffee? That's just mean! Last night my wife gave me coffee with almond milk and didn't tell me and after a sip this is exactly what happened:
I went and got myself coffee mate french vanilla creamer. I will gladly log that into the Fitness Pal app with pride!
Of course with the new diet regime in place guess what comes along with that? No guesses? My daughter Bianca looking at me like this when I come home from work:
Oh hellllll no! That look right there means it's time for her and I to start back up with our workout routine. So of course, the softie that I am gives in and we do a cardio workout for 15 minutes. She's all like, "yea, whoo, feel that burn, we're burning the calories!" Meanwhile I'm all over here like:
After 15 minutes of cardio, I looked like I just got out of the pool, my legs were jello and every single muscle in my body was screaming "FUCK YOU, YOU'RE 38 NOT 20, SIT DOWN AND READ A BOOK!" Needless to say, I haven't worked out since. I do however have my footstep tracker turned on, on my Fitness Pal app so I spend the majority of my time walking in circles to burn the calories, kind of like this:
What? It's cardio! Meanwhile my daughter Bianca is working out everyday and I'm like "yea girl, get it"........from the couch!
Now I'm not saying that eating healthy and staying away from meat is a bad thing, but I'm Sicilian, we have meat running through our friggen blood! How you going to deny a sicilian some meatballs, chicken cutlet and some braciole? The worst part about this whole situation is that my wife makes regular food for our 13 and 9 year old. What the hell is that about? I have to sit at dinner eating a friggen veggie hot dog, while the other two are sitting next me eating regular hot dogs and looking at me like:
Speaking of veggie hot dogs... NO! Just friggen NO! Don't do that to a hot dog. I can't even explain what eating that did to me! It completely ruined the American Dream!
I blame this all on the Kardashians. Why you ask, because in every episode they eat friggen salads. Screw you Kim, Khloe and Kourtney for only showing the salads. I know you all eat meat. You ain't fooling me! I see you! Okay my rant is over.
So today is our 5th year anniversary so I am off to celebrate one of the best days of my life!