Today is Tuesday and ya’ll know what means? Absolutely NOTHING, it means nothing, other than the mere fact that we still have 3 more long days until the weekend. Sorry to be the sober one at the party, the buzzkill if you will, just simply shedding some dim light on the half-glass full peeps out there! Hey I’m not knocking anyone’s positivity, just stating the obvious. Now, I won’t bore you all with another blog about the animals currently running-a-muck in our house, I’ve decided that today I want to talk about the other animals…shit, I mean kids, totally meant kids, that currently reside in the house! Now, you notice that I used the word “currently”.. that is simply because they are not permanent residents of this house. I like to think of them as merely renting space and by renting I mean not paying any rent.
So as I previously mentioned my wife and I have 5 biological kids together. If you count our future daughter-in-law and future son-in-law then we have 7. I’m two kids away from a fucking baseball team, one big giant baseball team of kids and only one of them is athletic, so there goes that theory of making money! Any who, back to the kids. So we have 3 boys and 2 girls. Our youngest, I’ve mentioned is 9, our teenager is 13, our twins are 20 and our oldest is 27. Again, as previously mentioned, I get to go to work and support this team and my wife stays home and does the mom thing. Now, that’s not saying that I don’t do the mom thing, I’m saying she’s clearly better at it than I am. I’m not sure whats better, boys or girls, I’m still trying to figure that one out. I hear people say, “oh boys are so much easier than girls” and then others say “oh girls are way easier than boys”. Ok people… maybe if you had one of each, but I got double teams over here.
Let’s talk about the boys first, shall we?! We’ll start with the 9 year old. How does a 9 year old acquire so much fucking laundry in a week? This kid has laundry over flowing in his hamper by the time Thursday comes around. Now I get up and go to work everyday and wear a different outfit everyday and yet laundry isn’t overflowing in my hamper. He goes to school in one outfit, comes home and changes into something else, takes a shower and comes out in another outfit and goes to bed in something completely different. All that undressing and dressing would make my ass exhausted! How is that fucking possible. How? Just why? Don’t even get me started on the socks. I find socks scattered all over his room, under his bed, in his sheets, behind his hamper on his dresser. DUDE!!!!!!!! This isn’t hide-n-fucking-seek-a-sock, put the shit in the hamper! Now, I will admit I am a bit OCD and this child makes me twitch and itch every time I walk into his room. Do we have to take everything you own out at the same time? I get it, let kids be kids.. .but damn man, why I got let kids be messing, unorganized kids!? If you’re coloring why the hell you got everything else out, it’s not like you’re using it. He’s got the iPod on, the iPad playing youtube videos and the tv playing something else. Did you grow two extra fucking heads that you can watch all that shit? Now, when I attempt to parent, and by attempt, I mean unsuccessfully and the wife has to come in and take over, I get this look:
Now don’t just stand there blinking at me like I just up and made the damn mess in your room! Why do kids do that? Is there something in their heads that say “mom overload, brain shut down, blank stare activated”?Now I could get my parent voice on and in a stern tone tell him I want every single piece of mess cleaned up and organized and he’ll be all, “ok mommy” and not do a damn thing; BUT when my wife goes in there and uses the same voice that kid is like speedy fucking Gonzalez and Mr. Clean all wrapped into one. Just out of curiosity but what is with little boys and NOT flushing the toilet? Are they marking their territory or something? For the sake of my eyesight there’s a friggen “don’t forget to flush” sign right above the toilet. When I tell him, his response is, “oh I forgot.” You forgot? How is that you could possibly forgot what you just did in the bathroom? Did you empty your brain cells too?
This brings me to the other male in the house. We don’t see too much of him because he works and goes to school, but when we do see him… we see him! The other day I went downstairs to start laundry and I see our laundry basket full of clothes all wadded up and then a pile of clothes in the same position sitting onto of the dryer. Now I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out what he was trying to accomplish with his laundry. I’m assuming the clothes in the basket are going to be worn wrinkled but call me silly, I’m pretty sure clothes don’t dry onto of a dryer. I could be wrong…but I do believe the purpose of a dryer is to put the FUCKING CLOTHES INSIDE AND TURN IT ON SO THEY DRY! Needless to say I did what any good parent would do and carried all the clothes into his room and dumped them on his bed. LAUNDRY’S DONE SON! I’m not even going to address his room, we just shut the door. I mean we did buy him a dresser so not sure why he chooses to use the floor, bed, shelf and night stand for his clothes.
Since we’re doing a little compare and contrast here to determine which gender is actually easier to raise, lets move on to the girls shall we? Ahhh the princesses, the little girls, “the sugar and spice and everything nice”. Ok first of all FUCK YOU to whoever wrote that poem and secondly sugar and spice and everything nice…. are you kidding me? That poem needs to be revised to say “sugar and spice and everything nice except for ONCE A MONTH! Just our luck the girls are on the same damn schedule so during that time, I’m not sure If I should hide in a closet rocking back and forth or stay at work for a week! This is what once a month looks like in our house with our girls:
And then this is what they do during that time frame:
And this is what we see during that time frame:
Sugar and spice and everything nice my fucking ass! More like the Exorcist meets The Devil Wears Prada! Moving on…Please tell me, I mean really, enlighten me as to why girls need to use more than one towel after the shower? I went up to get the towels and found a pile that could hide a large child underneath piled in the corner of their bathroom. I thought for a second, “shit,the door is stuck”…no, nope it was the pile of towels. I looked up and saw a thousand washclothes all piled onto a wee tiny hook with makeup all over them. Why? I mean is it one towel for the hair, one towel for the face, one towel for the body and then one washcloth per day for the makeup? Why? Speaking of makeup our daughter Bianca has two large suitcases full of makeup. How does one wear all that makeup in a lifetime? Our 13 year old paints her nails three times a day because she “gets bored” of the color! How the fuck do you get bored of a color that is on your nails for 2.5 seconds?! I’d also like to point out that the girls take forever to get ready! We could literally be going grocery shopping and they have to shower, shave their legs, do their hair, get dress, do their makeup and take about 10 selfies each… meanwhile I’m waiting on the couch like:
So I’ve come to the conclusion on what is better to raise… Fish… FUCKING FISH are better to raise!