What a fucking week! Excuse my abrupt use of the F word right off the bat. I know, I know, I usually ease you all into the F-bomb dropping, but there really is no other way for me to express what a shittastic week this has been. I really blame it on the repetitive Christmas music being play everywhere I go. Seriously though, do we really need to have Christmas music playing in banks, doctor’s office, grocery stores, when you’re on hold with customer service? WE GET IT…. IT’S THE HOLIDAY SEASON.. It’s like a sick twisted game of escape the fucking Jingle Bell Rock! Jeeez…… we get it.. we got it during Halloween when all the stores starting putting out Christmas decorations!
So let’s talk about my shittastic week shall we! Monday was fucking Monday..the mere fact that it’s MONDAY is just shitty, nothing ever good happens on Monday, so that was the start to the shitty week. We’ll skip over Tuesday, I mean come on it’s Tuesday, the most boring day of the week. Nothing to look forward there. Think about it, you got the Monday Blues, Humpday Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday and TGIF….what the fuck you got for Tuesday? Tuesday Thoughts? Thoughts about what… pondering the shitty week of work you have ahead of you? How fucking long it is until Friday!? How you only put in one friggen long ass day to your week and you feel like a Miley Cyrus came crashing into you like a wrecking ball? I digress…
So Wednesday I was driving home from work, sitting in a nice long line of bumper to bumper traffic when I got rear-ended by some doucherocket and I’m being nice when I refer to him as that! So I get out of the car and the guy literally says to me “ooops I guess I did that!” You’re fuckin me right now.. did you just seriously use the word “oops” and then tell me hat you guess you did that? No you fucking twittlefuck Santa came ripping in on his sleigh with Rudolph and his nose so fucking red AND magically pushed your car into mine! I literally looked at him like this:
Now I have an extremely short temper, its a downfall, we all have them, whatever! I literally wanted to jump onto of his fancy Land Rover and just start jumping up and down like this:
Now I realize how extremely childish this looks, but if you’re going to give me an “oooooops did I do that?” sounding like Steve Mother-Fucking Erkel you’re car is getting jumped on! In any event, the guy kept trying to leave and kept telling me that it didn’t look bad at all. I looked at him and in the most polite way said “I’m sorry I can’t tell because your fucking front bumper is embedded into my rear bumper, so lets just wait for the cops!” Now before I got out of the car, I made the mistake of texting my wife that I had just been rear ended, so I got back in the car to a thousand hysterical text messages from her and my kids, along with missed calls from her. I call the cops, then call my wife then call my kids. The cop comes and walks up to my vehicle and says “Are you okay sir?” Which of course prompted the sarcasm to kick in and my reply was, “well if men have tits then no I guess I’m not okay!” That comment was worth the look on the cop’s face! Long story short Mister “Ooops-Did-I-Do-That” got a ticket for an unregistered vehicle so FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
So now I get home, take a shower and relax on the couch and try to decompress from my shitty day. As I’m laying on the couch I hear this horrendous noise coming from the basement. I paused a couple times and looked around the living room, to see if anyone else noticed the sound, no one budged. So I asked my wife what the hell that noise was. She looks over at me with her cute little smile and said, “oh yea hunny I forgot to tell you…….the washer is making a really loud noise.” First of all… NO SHIT, secondly ummmmm…. how the hell do you FORGET to tell me something like that? How does that God awful sound just skip your cute little mind there pumpkin!? Downstairs I go and after 45 minutes of trying to fix the washer (picture the old man fighting with the furnace from the Christmas Story) and by “fixing” I mean kicking the shit out of it, I come upstairs and announce that the washer is broke and lay back down on the couch….head of the house deed done!
As if my week couldn’t possibly end on more shitty note, my wife informed me that she was exploring Netlix…..AGAIN and found something for us to watch and I was going to love it! I come home the other night to something called “Yule Log and Carols”. Let me enlighten all of you as to what that is……it’s a Yule Log that burns on your tv and plays carols in the background. Let’s just take a moment to discuss “Yule Logs”. Apparently this is a “specially selected log burnt on Christmas. How the fuck was it specially selected? I mean I don’t get it, what makes a fucking log special enough to be burned on Christmas and how does one decide which one is THE ONE? It’s a fucking log….logs are meant to be burned! AND… if it’s so special why the fuck are you burning it?Who decided that this special log would be named Yule? How do you look at a log and say “ooooh look its a Yule log”? I mean if its a “specially selected log” give that shit a better name!
In any event, she thought this was the best thing next to fucking pockets! There she is all smiley saying “isn’t this great? It’s like having a fireplace but its on your tv!” No this isn’t great, you know why it’s not great because I see a nice toasty fire burning but I feel no warmth from it AND the carols play on repeat until you want to bash your head into a wall! As if the first one wasn’t bad enough, she had found another one called “Crackling Birchwood” which just basically fucking crackles. So my shittastic week ended watching this for hours:
I’m NOW canceling NETFLIX!