Back To Normal With A Wife On My Watch

If memory serves me correctly, we were waiting for the clearance from Tammy's neurosurgeon to begin driving in the last blog, The time has finally come and Tammy was cleared to drive which meant one thing.... my "mommy-do-all" role is done and I get to go back to work! Errr, I mean, Tammy is progressing very well. As a matter of fact, I was able to go back to the office a week early than I had planned. Don't you all bet your sweet cheeks that I walked into the office on my first day all like: 

I'm not going to lie, I seriously thought about doing this when I got inside my office:

I know, I thought that was a little overkill for the first day back too, so I passed on that idea!  I love my wife and I love my kids and I will do anything I have to for them. However, that being said, I prefer my role being the one that goes to work and providing for them. I was so not prepared for the whole stay-at-home, working mom that cooks dinner every night. It got to a point where the kids new what was dinner just by what day it was, because I like routine and stuck with what I knew how to make. That is Chili, Rice and Beans (sometimes with chicken), Chicken and vegetable stir-fry or pasta. Listen, with Mama Kris in charge it was a fixed menu! If you didn't want to eat one of those options for 7 months take ya asses out and get your own food:

Tammy is doing pretty well. She still has some surgical pain and some weakness in her legs but she's back to driving and cooking dinner, which of course had all the kids like:

I offer to cook when I get home from work so that she can rest from all the running around she's back to doing and she replies with, "No it's okay, I like to make different things!" Wow!!! Okay, I see how it is now. You got yourself a new back and you think you're Mrs. Gordon Ramsey now! Fine by me, I shall pick up where I left off 7 months and put my ass right on the couch! No really, I still help out because she's not quite there with the bending and lifting. I'm just banned from cooking now. 

So somewhere in the last two weeks while I was at work every one in the house became health nuts and counting calories and all that shit. Now we know from previous blogs, that when things like this are decided, I have no choice but to take part. So Tammy and I had our first official date night a week and a half ago since January. We were just out driving around and listening to music and talking. Tammy wanted to stop and get something to eat, so I suggested a few places, which of course she said no to because they weren't healthy enough. Which then prompted Tammy to question why fast food places don't give you the option of getting a whole wheat bun instead of white bread buns. Which got me like:

Yea... needless to say we spent a half hour running down a list of fast food places that did not offer wheat buns but offered salads. So anyone reading this that owns a fast food joint please do me a favor and get some fucking wheat buns! 

I knew the surgery was successful when her sass kicked back into full gear. Now I don't know where any of you who read this live, but where we are, there was a solid two week period where the weather was hot, like really hot. It was like one morning we woke up and were in the pits of hell hot. Keep in mind, I am someone that will wear shorts and a t-shirt and slides in winter with the heat on 67. My wife on the other hand is always cold. You see the struggle I'm about to address? So during those two weeks of hell weather, I kept the AC on 62. I see nothing wrong with this considering it was still SUMMER out and that's what people do in the SUMMER is run AC. Every night, I had to hear, "baby I'm colds", from my wife! Cute and adorable I know! However, this "Baby I'm colds" cuteness resulted in me sweating my ass off half the night because I had to raise the AC. So here's a visual of my wife after I raised the AC:

Now here's a visual of me after I raised the AC:

So I would wait until she fell asleep and then get up and lower the AC and stand in front of it like:

Of course she has AC radar and wakes up and starts lecturing me on how this is the reason that couples end up sleeping in separate bedrooms. I'm sorry...?!? So couples end up sleeping in separate rooms because its 1,000 degrees outside and the air conditioner is on?

Naturally this debate ended with me taking Tammy to Brookstone to buy a Nap Blanket, which is some sort of fleece, which she throws on top of the sheets and comforter before bed. 

Well, in two months I will turn 40 years old. The big 4-0! I've been interested in the Apple Watch for a while and I figured what a great 40th birthday present it would be. It took a little convincing with my wife because she couldn't understand why I would want an Apple Watch when my phone never leaves my hands. When I showed her that it was geared to "making a healthier you" she was all for it. Last weekend we picked up my Apple Watch because I'm a giant baby and can't wait. 

I set it all up and got some apps, when Tammy sees an app called "medicine reminder", which she insisted I immediately install and actually watched me install it. Now here's a little background, I have ADHD and have had it ever since I was in 2nd grade. Back then I was just looked at as a hyper wild child. I was clinically diagnosed when I was 32 years old and put on medication to "slow my mind down". When I don't take my medication my mind goes into overdrive and I have a thousand things running through it and I just go on and on and on about all kinds of random things, kind of like this:

When people ask me how I like my Apple Watch, I basically describe it like having your wife wrapped around your wrist. You're all probably wondering why I describe my Apple Watch like this, so I shall explain. The first day I had my watch, the following things occurred:
1. My watched binged at me and told me I was sitting too long and to stand up;
2. My watched binged at me and told me it was time to drink water, this occurred every hour;
3. My watched binged at me and said "Did you take your 9:00 a.m. pill?;
4. My watched binged at me and said "Did you take your 3:00 p.m. pill?;
5. My watched binged at me and said "It's time to breath, focus on your breathing"; and
6. My watched binged at me and told me that I only had 3 minutes out of 30 minutes of exercise in for the day;

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!????? After the first three hours I called my wife and told her that my watch was very demanding and telling me to do things and I asked her if she programmed that shit while I was sleeping! What happened to being able to look at my Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat?! I mean it's fantastic that I can have an EKG within 30 seconds because this thing binging at me bossing me around is going to give me chest pains!

Have no fear ladies, gents and gays... I filled up my apple watch with apps like ESPN, Score, Twitter, RuPaul, Ellen and Jonathan Van Ness Podcasts, SmartNews like Buzzfeed and Entertainment Weekly. Oooh and I have a walkie-talkie on it so I feel like David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider! How you like me know Apple?