Screen Doors & Loud Cars

It's that time again peeps! Are you all excited to hear what adventures we managed to endure in only ONE week since the last blog? I know, I know.. I'm so excited myself to bare all with complete and total strangers for pure amusement. Monday was low key and then Tuesday late afternoon, I received a text from wife saying, "oh hunny, by the way, we're locked inside of the house". Now I can understand being locked OUT of the house, but how does one manage to get locked inside of the house. I'm sure by now you all know what my reaction to the text was. If not, here it is:

After work, I called her and asked how the hell she was locked inside the house. She proceeded to tell me that the lock to the screen door was jammed and they couldn't get out. Keep in mind we do have a side door to the house that leads into the garage and out of the house. I get home and go through the garage, which I HATE with a passion, because it's a garage and there's spider webs. So the whole time I'm trying to get through the garage into the side door I'm walking like this:

Seriously, I hate that garage, I want to burn it down! Light a match and be like:

Actually I would prefer to do that to this entire house. It's the friggen money pit! I'm waiting to get up in the middle of the night to get water and this happen:

Anyways... back to the story. So I get inside and I said to my wife, "what's wrong with the door?" She looks at me and then looks at the door, so I look at the door and see this, which I captured on my snapchat story:

So the above picture represents what I came home to. As you can clearly see from what the picture depicts up above... WE HAD NO FUCKING HANDLE LEFT ON THE SCREEN DOOR! It completely fell off. So hear I am, right after working all day, attempting to fix the door. My tools consisted of the following: flat tip screw driver, philips screw driver, a credit card, a butter knife and eye glass screw driver. All were epic fails so I brought out a steak knife. At that point I wasn't sure what the hell the steak knife was going to do, but I was two and half hours in to working on the door and it still look like the above picture.

My lovely wife was standing on the other side of the door from the inside, while mosquitos were feasting on my flesh asking me what I thought. Of course I glanced up looking like:

My response was simple, "CALL FUCKING HOME DEPOT AND TELL THEM TO COME OUT!" So she calls Home Depot and of course they have to ask you 9,000 questions before asking you exactly what you're calling about. So she finally gets someone from the door department and this guy is all like, "well we didn't install the door so we can't help you!" So with that I send a text message to the contractor the picture above of the door and he calls me. I of course start the conversation with the pleasantries, "Hey how are you?" This dude comes back with "well, I'm a lot better than you right now". You think you're funny huh?

You know what I think is funny? The fact that you're fixing this door for free! Touché mother fucker! In the end the door is fixed however we can never, ever lock the screen door again. 

My wife has been telling me for about a week that her car was making a really loud and weird noise. Our son Mike drove the car and told us she needed brakes. So naturally I asked if the car stops. What? It's a normal question when someone says you need brakes! My thinking is this.. if the car is still stopping then you don't necessarily need brakes on an emergency basis. I don't see anything wrong with that thought process, do you? Well, I drove her car Friday night and it sounded like a fucking airplane was taking off! This god awful sound.. my dear lord baby jesus, I have never heard anything like this come from a car before! I still hear the sound echoing in my eardrums now! I got out of the car like:

Now keep in mind, my wife has been telling me about this sound for a week. Naturally when we got out of the car and I said, "yea, so this is bad" she looked at me like:

To the car dealer we go! So my wife's old car was a 2013 Nissan Rogue, so we went back to the Nissan dealer to trade it in. Driving to the dealership in that car, making that God awful sound was literally making break out into a sweat. I kept turning up the music but the sound kept overpowering the music. I kept checking the brakes to make sure that when we actually needed to stop we would. Me the entire time I was driving to the dealer:

I hate the whole process of buying a new car. First of all it literally takes up your entire friggen day! They ask you the same questions even though you've answered them a thousand times. At one point I had to refrain myself from saying, "if I had money to put down, do you honestly think that I would be here, in this dealer, getting that car? No, I'd be over at the Mercedes dealer or the Land Rover dealer!" ​So finally after 6 hours on a Saturday...my Saturday...my day off... my wife got a new car. While they were finalizing the deal, I was cleaning out the old car because I didn't want them to drive the car off before we actually left. The Salesman was like I can go over all the settings with you and I was like nah bro, you did enough, I can figure it out for her. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. The salesman was really nice so I was like ok lets hug it out and go back to work dude! As we drove off, this image immediately popped into my head:

I figured that image was appropriate for the situation! 

So there ya have it... the latest with the bunch! Stay tuned.. next Sunday  I'm sure we'll be interesting.. to say the least!