Pumpkins, Plump Lips & Asshole Cats
Now that things are slowly getting back to normal around here, and by “normal”, I mean my wife taking care of the kids! Glad that torture is over. So this past weekend, my wife and I had a long overdue “date night”. I think it’s important when you have children, let alone a small army of them, to get out and enjoy each other’s company without having to scream over their loud ass voices. We went to dinner and honestly, I have to say….I can’t remember the last time I’ve had ribs like that… man what a night! NO…no, what I meant to say was it was so nice to sit across from my wife and just have complete silence while eating. Damn it! No, what I’m trying to say is that it was nice having alone time with my wife! Well, I guess I’ll be sleeping with the dogs if the wife reads this. Oh wait, the dogs get more of the bed than I do. Hell forget cuddling, they turn into cujo and try to bite my face off! I guess I’ll be on the couch with the fucking cats!
Anyways…. Sunday morning over coffee my wife and I had an enlightening conversation. We were going through our Twitter feeds and she looked at me and said, “honey, the Real Mahatma Gandhi followed me, but wait isn’t he dead?” How the hell am I suppose to know if he’s dead.. what am I the Grim Reaper of philosophers? Am I supposed to keep a Book of Dead Philosophers to refer back to when you get a follower? I took her phone and looked at the profile and said, “well he’s not verified, and if it was the real Gandhi, I’m pretty sure he’d be verified, considering the cast of the Jersey Shore is verified!” She looked at me and said, “seriously, would Gandhi really have a Twitter?” My reply was very simple, “it’s 2016 everyone has a twitter, for fuck’s sakes, even animals have twitter accounts!” Have no fear people, a little Googling and I discovered that the Real Gandhi died and she’s being followed by an imposter! IMPOSTER, I say! Don’t worry, another Gandhi account with more followers followed my wife, so she followed that one back instead of the “Real” one.
As if that wasn’t enough excitement for a Sunday, we had a fun-filled evening of hanging a nice white bi-fold door to keep the cats from going upstairs to the girls bedrooms. Why are cats such assholes? Seriously they watched me hang this door and then with one flick of their fucking paw, they had it opened. If they could have spoken, they would have said, “stupid human, fuck you, I own this house and I shall take it over!” Now I had to friggen get a lock and McGyver that shit up so they couldn’t open the door! Mission accomplished… TAKE THAT you asshole cats!! Well, there’s one problem….. the girls are now locked up in their rooms! Sorry girls, just text us and we’ll unlock the door so you come out from your rooms!
Sunday night ended with my wife and two daughters trying out this lip balm that apparently makes your lips burn like you’ve doused them in gasoline and lit a match to them, but have no fear, they make your lips “full”. No, no, no they don’t make your lips full, they’re swollen from the burning heat of hell in lip gloss form! I sat on the couch watching all three of them wave their hands at their lips and their eyes well up with tears and I’m thinking.. just wash that shit off. After the inferno had subsided, they all sat there admiring each others’ fuller lips. So that ends our Sunday night, the girls are locked upstairs and the cats are pissed so they’re probably destroy the house out of spite, because cats are just assholes like that. I climb into bed and my wife leans over to give me a kiss and without thinking, I kiss her. I know, you’re all probably wondering why that’s a big deal? Well, take a gander a few lines up about the burning flames of hell in a bottle called lip injection extreme. See where this is headed? No, ok let me enlighten you.. when I kissed my wife goodnight the lip gloss rubbed off on mine and I immediately felt Satan’s wrath fall upon my lips! I screamed, “Babe!!!!! You have that shit on your lips, what the fuck?” Her response was, “oh the air has hit for a few minutes now, so you should be ok!” SHOULD BE? No… NO, just fucking NO, I don’t want my lips plump! Fanfuckintastic, now I’ll wake up in the morning looking like a damn futchy Kardashian! Thanks honey! Isn’t she pretty!?
Which brings me to Halloween! I hate Halloween and unfortunately for me I am surrounded by a family of freaks who love a day where we celebrate ghosts, ghouls, goblins and basically fucking dead people and by celebrating them we hand out free candy to hundreds of friggen kids we don’t know. I have enough kids in my damn house, why do I have to feed the neighborhood candy? Let’s all dress up and have a halloween party, my wife says? Now I will admit that I did wear a costume to work today and by costume I mean a shark onesie. My intention behind that was that in two hours of wearing that onesie I would change into jeans, a t-shirt and cons and remain comfortable for the remainder of my Monday. See what I did there?! For all you comfort clothed people, take notes! My wife texted me right before I left for work to inform me that there were so many kids coming to the door. Not sure how she wanted me to react to this.. so I said “wow, that’s great!” When in reality, I’m thinking bastards better be done when I get home, or all the lights are going off and we’re hiding! So here we are… a Witch (my wife- no really I’m not being a smartass, that’s her costume), a shark (me- keep in mind I am now sweating my ass off, and may pass out from heat exhaustion any minute because my wife wants to have a Halloween Party), Minnie Mouse, A cow and Luigi who is passed out over a supply of candy wrappers! The only smart one is the one at college, dressed in normal fucking clothes. I sent him a text and told him to stay out as late as possible! Save yourself buddy!
Happy Monday and Happy Halloween from The Gaydy's!