Here we are again... Monday, Monday, Monday. Sometimes I break out into song on Monday and sing, "Why You Gotta Be So Rude" by MAGIC but change the words around. Everyone sing with me: "Can I have the weekend for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes cause I need to know..." No?
Happy Monday! I hope everyone out in cyber world had a beautiful and blessed Passover and Easter and if you don't celebrate either than I hope you just had a beautiful weekend! My week started off with bang, as usual. At this point I don't expect anything less. So early last week I was driving to work and talking to my wife on the phone, which is the norm for me. I forgot exactly what we were talking about but out of no where she happened to mention that the tempered glass in our front door looked like a vagina. I know, I know, I had the same reaction:
I mean I know we're lesbians and all but that's a little bit of stretched don't ya think? I wasn't sure how to react to that comment, so I asked her what she meant. So her response was, "I just took a picture, check your phone". So I check my phone and see this:
What do you all see? At first I didn't see it but then my wife explained it to me. I won't get into the details of why she thought we had a vagina door but I'm pretty sure if you all get to a twisted mental thought process you can see it for yourselves. After we established that us lesbians now have vagina door, she went into detail that the four vaginas symbolize the females in the house. Ponder that, because that's some deep shit right there!
Hey listen, we don't have a rainbow flag flying outside nor do we have a unicorn gnome sitting outside as part of our landscaping so we have a vagina door.. things could be much worse. Those damn lesbians always throwing their lesbianism in your face.
So our daughter Bianca came home with a self tanner because she wanted to be tan. It's called Self Tanning Moose. Apparently you have to take a shower and scrub your self really good, which I'm not even sure why that needs to be an instruction. I mean isn't that what you're supposed to do when you take a fucking shower? Anyway, moving on to step number two. After you scrub yourself, you take this moose and put it on this hand glove pad and apply it to your body. Now the instructions are very specific. One hour for light tan, two hours for a medium tan and three hours for a dark tan. Bianca decided to leave it on for more than three hours because she's like Casper white. At first I was concerned.. I wasn't sure if she would come out like this:
Scary right? In any event, she came out with a nice little tan. This then prompted my wife to self tan, which ultimately led to me being self tanned against my better wishes. Why you ask? Because apparently its fun to make the butch do girly things! I've become the guinea pig of the family. Let's dye Mama Kris' hair shark blue, let's use a painful limp plump on Mama Kris and watch her shove her face into a freezer, let's put a face mask on Mama Kris so she looks like Michael Meyers, let's do a makeover on Mama Kris and do her makeup like a drag queen....that ONE I didn't mind so much! I admit I embrace my inner drag queen.
So here we are all, looking like we just got back from the Caribbean with a deep tan over friggen night. My wife is so tan all you see is her damn teeth. Her selfie's looks like this:
On to the next bat shit crazy item on the Gaydy weekend. So my wife and I were taking a shower... get your minds out of the gutter people. When you have four kids living in the house the shower becomes the only room in the house that there can be conversation had. So as my wife is hogging up all the water I notice that there's a spider on the ceiling moving towards the shower. I immediately scream "it's a brown recluse, we're gonna die". I was being dramatic it was a house spider. Of course at this point my wife throws me into the water (closer to the spider) and jumps back. I stood there like:
She starts telling me to kill it and I'm like "bitch I know I'm butchy but I don't fuck with spiders!" You all would have sworn ISIS was up in our bathroom holding us hostage. We were both cowardly cornered in the shower screaming for help. My wife turns to me and goes, "I locked the bathroom door". At this point I'm like why would youuuuuuuuuu do something so reckless! Think woman! We're gonna die in the shower, alone, together. So naturally I did want any protective spouse would do:
Jumped straight into her arms! Then she tells me to get out of the shower soaking wet, dry off and kill the spider! So here I am trying to figure out how the hell my short ass is going to kill a spider that's on the ceiling. I do what the wife says because first, she pushed me out the shower and secondly I'm afraid of her. So I'm standing there looking at the shower and envisioning this happening to me:
Now keep in mind my wife is like, "well I have to condition my hair so keep an eye on the spider". I'm sorry you have to do what? There is a friggen killer spider about to rip our faces off and you HAVE to condition your hair. Priorities woman, priorities. So here I am spider watching, when all of a sudden my wife screams, "IT FELL" and jumps out of the shower with conditioner in her hair, running all down her back. It was like a weird game of hop scotch the way she jumped out:
My wife gets back into the shower after I found the spider lurking on the floor, I called for back up, which was our oldest son to come in and kill the spider, which he did. The moral of the story is check your shower for spiders before actually get into the shower. Seriously you'll live longer. That little brush with death took 5 years off my life.
Which brings us to the last few days of the weekend. With our oldest son getting married next month, Friday was a day of running errands for the shower on Saturday, a trip to the florist, my tuxedo fitting and then of course the shower on Saturday. Next thing ya know Easter is smack dab in our faces. At this point I was wishing there was an actual Easter bunny to go pick up our little guy's basket and the candy for the older kids and deliver the shit to the house, but of course not. Instead you have me and my wife like this:
Exhausted from the shower (bridal shower, not the spider shower) my wife decided to go run and pick up the Easter stuff yesterday morning. Listen, we crushed the littlest one's dreams of the Easter bunny and tooth fairy as soon as he turned 9, enough of that shit! Every Easter I barbecue so that's exactly what I did!
Remember Lauren...the girl that broke our toilet paper holder? Yea, well after we all ate and were just hanging out outside enjoying the beautiful day, Mike comes out and yells, "it's official!" Which caught me off guard at first, then he elaborated on the "it's official" by telling us that they are officially girlfriend and boyfriend. I was so damn confused. I thought they were already "official". I mean ya done brought her over here, she broke shit, how is that not official?
In any event, they're official. With that he says, Lauren's parents are stopping by to meet you guys. Now keep in mind I'm sitting in shorts and a shirt that has bbq sauce slathered all over from grilling the ribs, smelling like Smokey The Bear's gay cousin. I jump up and tell the kids to clean up outside, I go to take a shower, my wife starts running through the house like Mr. Clean on speed and no it did not look like this:
It actually looked more like this:
In the shower I'm thinking, "I don't meet parents, I'm like mentally 10!" Time to adult and put the game face on. So Lauren and her parents come in and we immediately start talking about everything. Very sweet people and very easy to talk with. Meanwhile Anthony is sitting over at the end of the table playing with this thing that shoots discs into the air and almost blinds Lauren's father. Sorry about that Joe. Didn't expect to meet the parents of your daughter's boyfriend and leave with an eye patch.
Lauren's mother, Lisa is a hoot! I like quick witted people, keeps me on my toes. Lisa and Tammy decided to talk about hot flashes which made Joe and I immediately start to look for a place to hide. Then they started talking about re-decorating and re-doing kitchens. Lisa shows Tammy a picture of her kitchen she re-did and it was absolutely gorgeous and I immediately thought to myself "Fuck!!!!, come on Lisa, we were doing so well, now you went and gave my wife ideas for me to do in our kitchen!" When I saw the look of excitement on Tammy's face I was like:
So Lisa, if you're reading... thank you!