Yea, yea yea... I know I suck at life.. blah blah blah. I know I kept promising a blog and then not doing one and now here we are.. you all got your blog!
I just realized that the last blog I did was in September... hashtag Sorry Not Sorry! So a lot of things have happened over the last two months so anticipate this one to be a long drawn out blog of me ranting! I mean not that, that is different from any of the other blogs I've done.
I suppose we'll start with Halloween because I honestly can't remember what happened at the end of September. I'm pretty sure I've discussed my dislike of Halloween in past blogs. Definitely not a Halloween person, I don't think it should fall under the "holiday" category AT ALL! However, my wife loves Halloween so therefore I have absolutely no choice in what I plan on doing for Halloween, because she has it all planned out for me.
We'll back up a little to maybe about a week or so before Halloween where we had to "decorate" the house for this "holiday". This entailed buying decorative pumpkins for inside the house because ya know all the trick-or-treaters' are going to see the Halloween decorations inside our house! At one point during my work week I got a text message from Tammy asking me where our "Welcome to our Patch" yard sign was. She then went on to inform me that she had the girls hang the black cat, the pumpkin sign and the "Halloween/Fall" wreath, and that all the outside decorations were up! Speaking of.. why does every single friggen holiday have to involve a wreath?
My wife then proceeds to tell me that we need more outside decorations for Halloween, like the blow up ones they have for Christmas. See now I don't understand why this necessary. Why would spend an entire weekend wiring up our house for one day.. not even ONE day! More like a few hours! I don't mind doing the decorations for Christmas because at least you get a whole month of "look what I did hunny, doesn't it look great?!" I wasn't being completely difficult. I did however agree that she could get some more decorations, but she kept picking things that required my participation. Meaning.... ME having to install said decorations or wire said decoration.
Once we got the decoration situation under control, she was looking for the right kind of candy blend. I pickup a giant bag and said, "here ya go". She was all concerned with what kids could or couldn't have chocolate. I mean how is that OUR responsibility?! I mean isn't the parents responsibility to go through their child's bag or basket and take out what they can or can't have? Listen, I'm spending my hard earned money to feed the neighborhood kids candy, my job is done! You bring your kid out trick-or-treating you can't be pulling all that, "my kid can't have peanuts" or "I don't give my kid chocolate" shit!
The morning of Halloween, while I'm at work, my wife sends me a text asking me what I'm being for Halloween. I simply send her a selfie while I'm in an elevator with a reply that says "this". What do you mean what am I being for Halloween? NOTHING!!! I had grand plans of coming home and doing nothing. However, I had to sit out in the cold, on the porch and hand out candy! Why you ask? Because my wife said that was what I was doing, so that's what I did. Usually I'm the one on Halloween like:
However I have to admit, being sarcastic with little kids is so much fun because they never get it and you can go on and on with sarcastic banter. I have to admit I did have a good time messing with the kids the older kids who just strolled on up in regular clothes. One kid told me he left his mask at home. Ummmmmmm, how you doing to leave your mask at home and then try to get some candy! I kept asking the kids if it was a trick or a treat and all of them kept looking at me with this dumbfounded look on their face. I don't see the difficulty in answering the question? Do you?
Now that Halloween is over, I tried to put the decorative pumpkins away and I was stopped in my tracks like I had robbed a bank. My wife was all like:
She then informed me that the pumpkins will stay up through Thanksgiving. Once again....why are we decorating for Thanksgiving? It's literally ONE day. We have pumpkins in the living room, in the kitchen, fall scented hand soap, fall scented candles. Why...just why? This is how I feel... if we don't have music to associate with the holiday there shouldn't be decorating involved.
With Thanksgiving quickly approaching my wife is already one step ahead and prepping for Christmas. She's already informed me that she has created a Pinterest board and invited all the kids to the board so that they can start adding things that they want! For the love of my sanity, can we please just get through one holiday at a time! I'm still recovering from October and the fact that four of 5 kids had birthdays that month! You know what that means? It means this:
Before we get into Christmas mode, lets take a breather and recognized that my birthday is in November. How about we make a board for Mama Kris and invite the kids to that board, I'll pin things I want and then we can let them do this:
What? I think moms deserve presents on their birthdays. Of course there's no board on Pinterest, except for the one I made called "wish list", but no one joined. Apparently everyone is on the Christmas train already. On top of the kids' Pinterest wish list, Tammy has decided that she would like to get a jump on the Christmas decorating. I'm sorry.. by you, you mean me. "Just a little here and there" she says to me! Nope, not doing it! I always decorate on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I'm standing my ground on that one. That then led my wife to informing me that we needed to decide what new decoration we were going to add to our outside holiday display. This of course prompted this reaction from me:
I'm sorry you want to add another what? Last year I had to buy 3 of those outlet things that stick into the ground that you plug into an extension cord that had three outlets in each, not to mention 4 more extension cords just to wire them all into the porch light. Sure thing hunny lets just add one more thing and really see if we can blow the door right off the fuse box in the basement! I suggested maybe a battery operated something, or something that didn't light up or require electricity, which of course prompted this response from my wife:
Which basically means that I'm going to end up going out and buying something with a wire and praying that I don't blow up the house when I flip the switch to the porch light.
Here's so interesting news... I've torn my meniscus for the fourth time, which means I am not in physical therapy with Tammy 3 days a week. We like to call it our date nights. We get a table for two.. well, not really but our tables are next to each other. She gets heat and I get electrical stim with compression ice. Listen when you have as many kids as we do and no time for each other, you do what you gotta do, even it means being tortured at physical therapy while giving each other loving, pain ridden faces at each other. It's kind of like this:
Sounds romantic right?!
In case you all don't know by now, Tammy and I have been working on a Podcast. We are very excited this and have launched it probably about 4 weeks ago. A link to our podcast is on our website up at the top labeled "The Gaydy Moms' Podcast", if you click that it will bring you to our previous episodes. We are also on Anchor, Spotify, Apple Podcast, Google Podcast, Breaker, Castbox, Pocketcasts, RadioPublic and Stitcher! New episodes come out every Friday. Definitely subscribe and favorite our podcast on whatever platform you choose. We are looking forward to interacting with our readers and followers so please feel free to send us some questions or topics you would like us to talk about
If memory serves me correctly, we were waiting for the clearance from Tammy's neurosurgeon to begin driving in the last blog, The time has finally come and Tammy was cleared to drive which meant one thing.... my "mommy-do-all" role is done and I get to go back to work! Errr, I mean, Tammy is progressing very well. As a matter of fact, I was able to go back to the office a week early than I had planned. Don't you all bet your sweet cheeks that I walked into the office on my first day all like:
I'm not going to lie, I seriously thought about doing this when I got inside my office:
I know, I thought that was a little overkill for the first day back too, so I passed on that idea! I love my wife and I love my kids and I will do anything I have to for them. However, that being said, I prefer my role being the one that goes to work and providing for them. I was so not prepared for the whole stay-at-home, working mom that cooks dinner every night. It got to a point where the kids new what was dinner just by what day it was, because I like routine and stuck with what I knew how to make. That is Chili, Rice and Beans (sometimes with chicken), Chicken and vegetable stir-fry or pasta. Listen, with Mama Kris in charge it was a fixed menu! If you didn't want to eat one of those options for 7 months take ya asses out and get your own food:
Tammy is doing pretty well. She still has some surgical pain and some weakness in her legs but she's back to driving and cooking dinner, which of course had all the kids like:
I offer to cook when I get home from work so that she can rest from all the running around she's back to doing and she replies with, "No it's okay, I like to make different things!" Wow!!! Okay, I see how it is now. You got yourself a new back and you think you're Mrs. Gordon Ramsey now! Fine by me, I shall pick up where I left off 7 months and put my ass right on the couch! No really, I still help out because she's not quite there with the bending and lifting. I'm just banned from cooking now.
So somewhere in the last two weeks while I was at work every one in the house became health nuts and counting calories and all that shit. Now we know from previous blogs, that when things like this are decided, I have no choice but to take part. So Tammy and I had our first official date night a week and a half ago since January. We were just out driving around and listening to music and talking. Tammy wanted to stop and get something to eat, so I suggested a few places, which of course she said no to because they weren't healthy enough. Which then prompted Tammy to question why fast food places don't give you the option of getting a whole wheat bun instead of white bread buns. Which got me like:
Yea... needless to say we spent a half hour running down a list of fast food places that did not offer wheat buns but offered salads. So anyone reading this that owns a fast food joint please do me a favor and get some fucking wheat buns!
I knew the surgery was successful when her sass kicked back into full gear. Now I don't know where any of you who read this live, but where we are, there was a solid two week period where the weather was hot, like really hot. It was like one morning we woke up and were in the pits of hell hot. Keep in mind, I am someone that will wear shorts and a t-shirt and slides in winter with the heat on 67. My wife on the other hand is always cold. You see the struggle I'm about to address? So during those two weeks of hell weather, I kept the AC on 62. I see nothing wrong with this considering it was still SUMMER out and that's what people do in the SUMMER is run AC. Every night, I had to hear, "baby I'm colds", from my wife! Cute and adorable I know! However, this "Baby I'm colds" cuteness resulted in me sweating my ass off half the night because I had to raise the AC. So here's a visual of my wife after I raised the AC:
Now here's a visual of me after I raised the AC:
So I would wait until she fell asleep and then get up and lower the AC and stand in front of it like:
Of course she has AC radar and wakes up and starts lecturing me on how this is the reason that couples end up sleeping in separate bedrooms. I'm sorry...?!? So couples end up sleeping in separate rooms because its 1,000 degrees outside and the air conditioner is on?
Naturally this debate ended with me taking Tammy to Brookstone to buy a Nap Blanket, which is some sort of fleece, which she throws on top of the sheets and comforter before bed.
Well, in two months I will turn 40 years old. The big 4-0! I've been interested in the Apple Watch for a while and I figured what a great 40th birthday present it would be. It took a little convincing with my wife because she couldn't understand why I would want an Apple Watch when my phone never leaves my hands. When I showed her that it was geared to "making a healthier you" she was all for it. Last weekend we picked up my Apple Watch because I'm a giant baby and can't wait.
I set it all up and got some apps, when Tammy sees an app called "medicine reminder", which she insisted I immediately install and actually watched me install it. Now here's a little background, I have ADHD and have had it ever since I was in 2nd grade. Back then I was just looked at as a hyper wild child. I was clinically diagnosed when I was 32 years old and put on medication to "slow my mind down". When I don't take my medication my mind goes into overdrive and I have a thousand things running through it and I just go on and on and on about all kinds of random things, kind of like this:
When people ask me how I like my Apple Watch, I basically describe it like having your wife wrapped around your wrist. You're all probably wondering why I describe my Apple Watch like this, so I shall explain. The first day I had my watch, the following things occurred:
1. My watched binged at me and told me I was sitting too long and to stand up;
2. My watched binged at me and told me it was time to drink water, this occurred every hour;
3. My watched binged at me and said "Did you take your 9:00 a.m. pill?;
4. My watched binged at me and said "Did you take your 3:00 p.m. pill?;
5. My watched binged at me and said "It's time to breath, focus on your breathing"; and
6. My watched binged at me and told me that I only had 3 minutes out of 30 minutes of exercise in for the day;
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!????? After the first three hours I called my wife and told her that my watch was very demanding and telling me to do things and I asked her if she programmed that shit while I was sleeping! What happened to being able to look at my Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat?! I mean it's fantastic that I can have an EKG within 30 seconds because this thing binging at me bossing me around is going to give me chest pains!
Have no fear ladies, gents and gays... I filled up my apple watch with apps like ESPN, Score, Twitter, RuPaul, Ellen and Jonathan Van Ness Podcasts, SmartNews like Buzzfeed and Entertainment Weekly. Oooh and I have a walkie-talkie on it so I feel like David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider! How you like me know Apple?
As you all know Tammy had her back surgery a few weeks ago and I officially wanted to announce that I did not die the morning of Tammy's surgery when I had to wipe her down with the sterile wipes. I know you were all concerned about this, given the diagram I posted in the last blog. For all that were scared for my life:
I will say that I did get the nastiest look all the way to the hospital while I drank my coffee. I mean, I wasn't the one having surgery why should I suffer? Yes I am aware that I took vows, however there was nothing in our vows that said I couldn't have coffee if she couldn't and vice versa. That's just mean. Anyway, we get to the hospital and check in and within about 10 minutes, they brought Tam back for prepping.
At this point, I should probably mention that up until the night before her surgery Tam and I were binge watching Grey's Anatomy. I realize now how horrible of an idea that was for various reasons. I thought about this as I was sitting in the waiting room waiting for the nurse to bring me back to sit with her before the surgery.
I finally get back to the holding area and I see Tam in his bubble thing. I kinda looked like this:
Except she wasn't dancing like that but the suit was definitely that big. I asked her what the hell they had on her and apparently they put a heated suit on her because she was cold. At this point all the necessary people are coming in and asking questions and explaining the procedure. After they all leave, this is when I realize how bad of an idea binge watching Grey's Anatomy really was.
So, while we're waiting, Tam looks over at me with this serious look and says, "do you think the doctor will play music in the OR? You think they''ll have personal conversations over my open stomach? Maybe they'll talk about what my tattoos mean and why I got them. Ya know, like in Grey's".
Naturally my reaction was:
Who actually thinks about this before a major surgery? My wife does. The nurse comes in and says "It's time" and they took her to the operating room and I went back out into the waiting room and started to work. The objective of me working was to keep my mind off the surgery and the time but thanks to my wife, all I could think about was that this was actually happening:
After about 4 hours the doctor came out and said the surgery had gone really well and they ended up fusing an extra level which they didn't anticipate doing until they got in and saw how bad the discs were. The surgeon said that they were closing and getting her ready for the recovery room. I think the hardest part about the surgery for me was pretending to be strong and not worried when inside I was a nervous wreck.
This surgery was a little different than the surgery on her neck. This one was more dangerous and more serious due to the amount of levels that were damaged and the incisions. The surgeons had to make a vertical incision in her abdomen first to remove the damaged discs, replace them and decompress her spinal cord. Then once that part was over, they made two incisions in her back, one on each side of her spine which is where they placed two rods and six screws.
Since it took some time to control her pain and they had a scheduled CT scan, I couldn't get in to see her in recovery so they sent me up to her room to wait for her, which gave me some time to get coffee, have a vape and get situated. So I'm chillin' in the recliner watching Shark Week when I hear what sounds like my wife, screaming at the nurse to have medication for the pain. I got out in the hallway and my wife is on the stretcher and I walk up to her and I tell her everything is okay and that she's okay and all of sudden she turns to me and yells:
Followed by, "You don't know anything!" With that I turned around looked at the nurses and said:
I turned around and walked back into the room and sat back down. I know enough to not mess with a woman who is still under anesthesia and in pain. Finally the nurses got the approval to give her meds and she fell asleep. A few hours later all the kids came up to see her. I tried to wake her and she opened one eye, gritted her teeth and said, "DO NOT WAKE ME UP EVER AGAIN, UNDERSTAND ME?!" When she said that the fear of her wrath struck me to the bone, that I looked at the kids like:
With that I said to the kids, "yea I think we should just let her sleep!"
At one point during our hospital stay one of the nurses said that to me, "have you ever considered being a critical care nurse? You certainly know what you're doing and you definitely have what it takes to be a good one." At first I was like "aww how sweet", which quickly turned to "hellurrrr what the hell you think I've been for the past three years? I've been a critical care nurse without ya'll's salary. Don't butter me up so you don't have to come in here when you hear her IV shit is beeping because you know that I know how to make it stop! Git to work!
Six days in a hospital, 5 nights of me sleeping in a recliner. I ran out of clothes because I only packed enough for 3 days. That's how long we both thought we would be in the hospital. I became really good friends with the people in the Starbucks in the main lobby. At one point, I counted the empty Venti cups, there were 6 with double shots of espresso. Basically that day I had 24 shots of espresso! Hey care taking, playing critical care nurse and working a full time job ain't easy!
On a sidenote, thanks to the 24 espresso shots I also made friends with the midnight shift security guards!
Discharge day finally came and I was so excited to get home and shower, cuddle up next to my wife and sleep. However, that didn't go as well as I had planned it in my head. Once we got home, I had to run and drop off Tammy's prescriptions, pick up a shower chair, make sure her walker was at the right height, put together her bedside commode and shower chair. So let me fast forward to the present day.
Tammy is doing pretty well for being one month post-op. She still has some surgical and incision pain. She also has an inflamed sciatic nerve from her spinal cord being compressed for so long, which is slowly getting better as each day passes. She is no longer using a cane or a walker to walk. She has this awesome back brace she has to wear when she's walking. I tell her it's her superhero armor, that's when she gives me this look:
We've been taking it one day at a time since we got home from the hospital. If all goes well she'll cleared to drive and start physical therapy on September 7th. It's been a long 8 month and an even longer 3 three years since the accident, but I think our rodeo days just might be done.
Thank you for all the well wishes and the patience on waiting for our next blog, things have been a little hectic since the surgery.
We also wanted to share some news with you all.. we have teamed up with The Great North as Brand Ambassadors. They're clothes are awesome and 10% of the proceeds goes to saving animals. Definitely check out their stuff and use our Friend code and get 35% off your order! To check out their stuff just click here The Great North
SHARK WEEK IS HERE...SHARK WEEK IS HERE! I'm so excited we started pre-gaming last night with some highlights from last year's Shark Week. The whole time I'm sitting on the couch like this:
Shark Week is a huge event in our household... for Tammy and I at least! I mean come on, it's the greatest week ever! The kids disappear the minute they see a shark on the screen, but at least Tam and I are getting Mom and Mommy time! Let's pick up where we left off from the last blog. The switching of rooms has been completed and Carlton has officially moved in. I really thought the objective of parenting was having kids, raising them to be independent, well mannered, respectable adults that leave the house. For some reason we keep adding children to this house. Not sure what we're doing wrong here? I mean I've gone over it in my head a thousand times, chores and all and they're all like "yea we're not moving out any time soon!"
Back to the drawing board I guess. In any event, let's get back to the official move in of the newest member of the Gaydy Clan. I mean he's technically not the newest member because he's been with our daughter for 5 years, but it's now really official! I'm really okay with the move in, Carlton has some really nice clothes and it just so happens that I wear the same size as him so we agreed that I could raid his closed while he was at work. I mean I'm not sure if he thinks that I was joking, but I'm not!
Speaking of clothes... I bought a binder (all you butches out there know what that it is) because my boobs just so happen to interfere with a lot of the clothes I like to wear. I was so excited to get this thing and wear a slimmer shirt without the boob opening around the buttons. I was on my way home from work last week, when my wife sent me a text that it had arrived. Ok...while I don't doubt for one second that this company makes a solid product, their sizing chart might be slightly off. Just a little background, before ordering I went and got professionally measured and came in at a 40C. According to the sizing chart a 40C would have been an XL so to be safe, I up'd it to a XXL. Smart right? Wait.. I'm not done yet!
I get home from work, change my clothes and go to put it on before heading out to pick up Tammy and Bianca from the hair salon. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life! I'm not even lying when I say that I almost dislocated a shoulder putting this thing on. Now the one I got had a zipper side. I tried every way imaginable to get this thing on. The unzipped part literally came to the center of my back and the more I pulled to the left to try and zip it up, the more I heard ribs cracking. I tried to put it on already zipped and ended up with my shoulder in position that orthopedically speaking It should probably never be in. Then I got stuck. So for 5 minutes I was like this:
I seriously had red marks all over my biceps from trying to put this thing on. So needless to say it's going back for a larger size. I was so upset when I got to the salon and told my wife what happen. I mean she was really supportive by asking me to reenact the whole trying on when got home. She was convinced it would fit, she said i needed help putting it on. I'm sorry but what's the point of getting something if you need help putting it on?? Let's just say that it did not require help putting it on, I needed a bigger size because my back is the size of a small state! How the hell did I end up with a 34 inch waist and a 44 inch back??? It's not normal! I told my wife that I looked like Spongebob and she was all like, "No you don't. I love your back and shoulders! You're well proportioned. Meanwhile I I was all like:
I suppose I should tell you all about the painting project. Basically in a nutshell I finished one out of three rooms and haven't painted since. Listen, painting is great cardio and when you're 39 pushing 40, but mentally you think you're still in your 20's the outcome isn't so good. I got all the walls painted in Bee and Carlton's room and started some of the ceiling. When I got done, I spent the rest of the night walking around like this:
On to more important and interesting things. So this coming Tuesday Tammy will finally have her long awaited back surgery. Last week we had pre-admission testing at the hospital and then Thursday night a surgical clearance appointment with our primary doctor. I have to say the pre-admission testing was pretty intense. First of all the nurse sounded like one of those auctioneers, this bitch was speaking so damn fast about what we had to do the night before the surgery and the morning before. She was speaking faster than my brain could process. I sat in the chair like:
Thank the lord baby Jesus we got written instructions and handouts. So apparently, the night before the surgery Tammy has to take a shower and then after a few hours after she's dry I have to wipe her down with these special wipes. Then the morning before we leave for the hospital I have to wipe her down again. Now I'm not opposed to helping out, because ya know the whole for better or worse vow thing. However, I am opposed to helping out when my wife is NOT allowed to have any coffee in the morning. This is dangerous. Like seriously dangerous. The surgery is high risk, but my wife not having coffee in the morning and me having to wipe her down is even a higher risk. Not for her, but for me and my life! I mean I'm not having surgery so the mere fact that I can drink coffee and probably will before leaving for the hospital just increases that risk. For all of you that don't know what my wife looks like before she has coffee she looks like this:
So imagine dealing with the above in the morning of the surgery and me having to wipe her down with medial wipes in these areas:
Nothing good could possibly come from this, especially when I hit number 5! I may die Tuesday morning, a slow painful death!
I will keep you all updated about Tammy's progress through our social media accounts! Send Mama Tammy some positive vibes on twitter and instagram, as well as our facebook page!
Happy Sunday everyone! Let's see.. the last time I left you, we had one kid with a healed foot, one with a mysterious sprain, one with the pox and an engagement party quickly approaching. Here's a quick update... both kids with the sprained feet are fine, the kid with the pox, really didn't have the pox (we'll get to that later on) and the engagement party came and went and like that I'm broke! Having daughters is seriously like:
Tammy and I throw a great party, if I don't say so myself! So since you all weren't able to attend, let me take you through the day! Let's start with the day before shall we? So Friday after work I dropped Anthony off at his football game, then took my wife and girls to get their nails done and eyebrows waxed while I drove around and played PokemonGo until they were done! When we got home we had to put everything that was going with us to the hall in boxes. Can anyone take a guess where all those boxes went? Yep, you got it! In our bedroom. Apparently our room is storage for all the kids fucking shit! Going to bed was fun, it's like a sick twisted game of how do I not stub my toe on the box or bang my knee on the corner of the bed. Every time we go into our bedroom, we're smacked in the face with someone's shit, whether it's shopping bags, mail, packages or something. Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize that our bedroom was your storage unit!
Anyways, back to the party! Saturday morning started early with strict instructions from my wife that I was to no take part in Community Day for PokemonGo because they had hair appointments about 35 minutes away. That's not all.... I was told that after I dropped them off I had drive 40 minutes to pick up "20 pounds of cookies". Twenty fucking pounds of cookies?? I looked at my wife like this:
I literally imagined my car looking like:
Now keep in mind that after I drove 40 minutes to pick up 20 pounds of cookies, I had to do a cookie drug deal in the parking lot with our older son Mike so that I could drive yet another 40 minutes back to the salon to pick them up! At this point I was ready for a nap! However by this time I had to shower and get ready. Now keep in mind that I can shower and be ready in 15 minutes and then sit around sweating in my Party Best waiting for the GIRLS to finish getting ready. You know what's the best? Is when the girls set a time to be ready to go and they're actually the ones that run way past that time! EVERY SINGLE TIME we need to go somewhere my wife rushes ME?! "Kris, come on get off your phone, stop catching Pokemon, are you going to get dressed? We have to leave soon?" Seriously?!?!?!?!?! Meanwhile I'm sitting on the couch like:
So I make use of ALL THE SPARE TIME I HAVE... and load the car up with all the boxes in our room. Now at this point I'm sweating and annoyed because my wife and two daughters are all like:
Seriously how many times do you need do that thing with your lips and look in the mirror? How many times do you need fluff your hair and look in the mirror!!!?? CAN WE GO?!
FOR THE LOVE OF CHILD BIRTH CAN WE JUST GET IN THE CAR AND GO!?!
So we finally leave for the hall about 20 minutes after the set deadline by my wife by the way! I walk in and head straight to the table where the alcohol was and asked the maitre'd for a bottle opener... what? I paid for this shit! I left the decorating to the kids while I enjoyed my beer and took pictures. Oh yea I forgot to mention, I was the unpaid photographer for the night! At some point I said fuck it and handed the camera over to Alessandra and let her have at it! When Alessandra took over I sat down at the table and was like:
Some help Alessandra was! Ten minutes later the camera appeared right next to me while she was out on the dance floor like:
Useless... completely useless assistant!
At this point in the party I spent the remainder of the night with Carlton's family having them teach me how to speak Patois (Jamaican slang). Now I'm fluent soooooo...
So the party was beautiful and everyone had a good time. My in-laws stayed over that night for Father's Day, which my wife was kind enough to volunteer my services for a BBQ for the whole family. Ya know because I clearly hadn't done enough the last three FUCKING days! On top that... Bianca and Alessandra were dying to see the pictures so I had to upload those in between flipping fucking burgers and hot dogs. By the end of the weekend my ass was like:
Last week we got news that Carlton was transferred to a local post office and will be moving in! Yay... another one in the house. If we keep this up we'll have an equal ratio of kids v. animals. I'm about to go rent a one bedroom apartment for Tam and I and leave the house to the kids and the animal. I mean three of them are adults and work. If they pull together they can pay the mortgage and Tammy and I can have a nice CLEAN apartment without blasting music, screaming banters back and forth, and I won't have to kill any spiders every 2.5 seconds.! Tammy and I would be living like:
On a sidenote: I would just like to note that I was searching relaxing lesbian couples in Giphy and apparently Lesbians don't relax on a couch without ripping each others' clothes off and engrossing in a wild make out session. Way to go GIPHY! Nice to show lesbians are sex crazed beings. I personally can attest to the fact that type of relaxing is unrealistic! Especially when you have a fucking tribe of children and a petting zoo inside your home!
My wife wants me to say I'm just kidding about the one bedroom apartment idea so, I'm just kidding! Don't think for a second that, that idea isn't stored in the back of my brain for the future. I mean it's not like we wouldn't come and visit. Ooooh maybe I can build a one bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom house on the acre and a half land in the back yard for us to escape to!
Sorry for the ADHD digress!
Back to the moving in situation. So currently the girls decided that they were switching rooms and I quickly shouted "NOT IT". Throwing that right on out there just so they know that Mama Kris is not taking part in this. I did somehow or another end up getting suckered into spackling and painting their rooms, which then prompted my lovely wife to give me the "I will stab you in your sleep until you bleed out" if you don't pain my living room first" look.... which looked something like this:
SO GUESS WHAT? I'm painting next weekend because I've grown very fond of my jugular.
As I sit here typing the blog I hear nothing but banging, crashing, and thumping, so I'm assuming all is going well up there! Stay tuned on how it all turns out with the move in!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus has jokes. I mean absolutely no disrespect when I say that, I'm simply stating a fact. Seriously the amount of shit that goes on in our family I can only imagine J-Easy is up there like:
It may come as no surprise to all of you that we have had yet another eventful past two weeks, maybe three. I really don't know what day it is at the moment. In any event, let's rewind back to Mother's Day weekend. So brief recap is that our Daughters surprised us with a little staycation at a nice hotel that had a salt water pool. During that time, we get a call from Mike who proceeds to tell us that he has some red dots around his belly button. This call followed by a text message of his belly button. Tammy and I look at the picture and think that it may very well be the start of chicken pox. Tammy calls him and tells him to go to the doctor and get it checked. Does he do what we tell him to do?
After our little staycation we had discovered that Mike's little red dots around his belly button had spread to his sides and chest. At this point Bianca is yelling at him to go to the doctor's because her engagement party is coming up and she doesn't want the chicken pox. Alessandra is walking around saying, "I can't tell if it's a pox or a pimple!" Mike keeps saying he doesn't have time to go to the doctors, so I say, "fine don't go and keep walking around spreading your pox infected ass to everyone you come in contact with!" Long story short we finally convince him to go to the doctor and get it checked out. At that point I start thinking:
Mike calls us after the doctor's appointment to tell us that the doctor said it was chicken pox and gave him .... ready for this shit? The doctor gave him an "anti-viral" that would not make him "contagious" anymore!
Now it may have been several centuries since Tammy and I had the chicken pox but I'm pretty sure there is no such fucking thing as an anti-viral chicken pox medication that does not make your pox infestation NOT contagious! I also wasn't aware of the fact that a doctorates in medicine came out of a fucking cracker jack box! Somehow I picture the doctor looking like this
We'll come back to Pocky boy in a little bit, I want to move on to the other interesting events that have transpired since we last spoke. As I mentioned in the last blog we have a cat that wants to do dirty things to one of our female cats because he's a "teenager" according to the vet. So spraying and trying to kill her is his way of impressing her. Still not buying it but okay! So Carlton and Bianca bought some cat treats thinking this would encourage him to stop being a teenage douchebag with giving him attention and treats..... ME:
Carlton starts to go and pet Finn (Bianca and Carlton's cat) and Finn turns around and bites him. Carlton felt that giving Finn a treat would "calm him down because he was upset". Bianca tells him that he can't reward Finn for his bad behavior, while Carlton is feeding Finn treats. Meanwhile Jax was taking treats and then stalking Mila. So much for the treats!
Moving on.... I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not but our little guy had an inflamed heel from football a little while back. He's fine now. I bring this up because about a week and a half ago, Alessandra told Bianca that her foot was swollen one morning when she woke up. Now I'm not exactly sure how you manage to wake up with a foot twice the size it should be and NOT remember how or what you did to it but it's Alessandra so anything is possible!
Back to the doctors we go, same problem, same body part, different kid! The doctor tells us that she wants me to take her for an x-ray and that she needs to stay off of her foot until further notice, so prescribes Alessandra crutches. Alessandra looks at me and says "I've always wanted crutches"! At this point my only reaction could be this:
We leave the doctors office and Bianca and I taker her over to this Specialized Children's Medi-Merge that does x-rays and shit. We walk in and it looks like the inside of Medieval Times! The whole inside is decorated as a Medieval castle with the old medieval doors, disney movies are playing and there was a armored solider in the corner. Alessandra and Bianca are taking pictures inside the place, while I'm thinking to myself
Long story short, she has a severe sprain of a tendon, ligament or muscle. Apparently the doctor couldn't make up his mind! Needless to say they put her in a boot and put her out of gym until the pain goes away. Bianca said that she was glad the boot was black because at least it would go with whatever Alessandra wore to school. Fashion first!
So to recap.. we have one kid with pox, one kid with a mysterious sprained foot, one kid with a heeled foot, another kid counting down the days to the incubation period of the pox, Tam's back is still broken and a cat that's still trying to kill his crush. Got it? Good! Moving on.
In the midst of all the chaos we're putting together favors for Bianca's engagement party and making lanterns for the tables.
At this point it's now Memorial Day weekend and Tammy suggests that we barbecue on Memorial Day.. you all know the day that we had the tropical storm? I looked at her and said "no problem hun, I can barbecue in a tropical storm, I'm sure it's been done before!" Of course I would have to go to the store first and then this would happen:
I mean who cares if I the burgers and dogs float their way into the house. So what if tree branches are flying in my direction while I'm grilling. Hey as long as the wife and kids get their barbecue the sacrifices I WILL MAKE!
Oh, back to the pox boy... so early this week he comes up from his room and tells us that he thinks the doctor was wrong and that the dots aren't going away and it's been at least 4 weeks. So we tell him to go to the family doctor instead of a medi-merge and find out what the hell it is. Long story short the fucking kid never had the pox he has rosacea!
On a brighter note, after several months of waiting, we finally have a date for Tammy's back surgery. Now this should be a relief given I'm not cut out for this stay-at-home mom thing, but quite frankly I am not looking forward to sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner that doesn't recline for three days! Then again this isn't our first rodeo!
Welp, there ya have it! Until the next adventure I'll be over here like...
It's that time again! We have a lot to talk about so no sense in the pleasantries because quite frankly I'm all out of them! Let's begin shall we? Let's start off with a quick update on Mama Tammy. We're still waiting for a surgery date which means I'm still "in charge" of holding down the Gaydy Household. Now I will admit the first few weeks I had this shit down to a science. Here we are several months later and all hell has broken loose. At the end of every day I find myself like this:
Let's start with the lunch making for Anthony in preparation for school days shall we? Anthony likes to take two hard boiled eggs and two slices of bread for lunch during the week. I'm pretty sure you're all thinking "ok what's wrong with that?" Nothing! Absolutely nothing is wrong with that, except I've managed to completely burn 6 eggs before I finally nailed it! I admit I googled how long eggs should boil before being done.
Seriously, how the fuck do you screw up hard boiled eggs? In my defense, it's simple.. very simple. You forget that you actually put eggs in a pot to boil until you get a strong odor of burnt eggs and then yell "FUCK, ANTHONY'S EGGS!" This has been an ongoing statement made by me for a few weeks now! I haven't just burned eggs either. I've actually completely forgot to make them the night before which means I'm standing in the kitchen thinking this might be a better solution for me:
Let's move on to the next Kris Catastrophe. One day last week or the week before I was sitting in my home office also known as the corner couch, working. My cell phone rings and I see it's Alessandra calling. So I answer the phone and I immediately ask if everything is okay because why would she be calling me during school right? Only it wasn't during school! Alessandra said to me, "hi where are you?" I looked at my phone and saw that it was 2:30. The poor kid gets out of school at 2:15. I immediately repeat "Shit, shit, shit, fucking shit, I'm on my way!" Yep, it happened! I forgot to pick up one of our kids! It was bound to happen. I kept saying that I should not be left in charge of kids! The whole time I'm driving, I'm saying to myself:
I mean seriously the fact that my wife entrusts the kids with me is crazy! I've been in the same joggers and shirt for 4 days and literally forget to eat during the day! Keep in mind before my wife's accident, this house ran so smooth, I'd call her on the way home from work and the convo would basically go like this:
Now that I'm in charge, shit is more like this:
Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT easy! I give my wife all the credit in the world. Half the time I'm walking in circles trying to remember all the shit I have to do and forgetting why the fuck I walked into rooms! I downloaded a reminder app to help and guess what, I forgot to check the fucking reminder app! Isn't that the point of reminder apps is to fucking remind you? I need an app that literally blows my phone up every 5 seconds until I do the shit on the list. Don't give me an app where I can just check off done even in not doing it. Give me an app that legit says "bitch don't you fucking swipe done because you don't want to see any notifications on your phone, do YOUR SHIT NOW!"
Remember in one of the blogs I was telling you about my trip to Dunkin Donuts and how the girl was generous enough to give me my iced coffee but no straw? So as usual we made a stop at Dunkin Donuts, now I always say "no receipt please". No point in killing trees when I have my banking app on my phone. The people at Dunkin Donuts are infamous for acknowledging what you say and doing whatever the fuck they want to do anyway! So I order the coffees, pull up and say "no receipt please and no napkins". You know what I get? I get a receipt and a stack of fucking napkins! I will say this time the person gave me 5 straws for 2 drinks! I simply turned to my wife and said "you know this shit is going in the blog right?!" So now I've come up with a plan. When we go to Dunkin Donuts and I order and I say no receipt or napkins please and D&D rebel employees hand me a receipt and napkins, I give it all back to them!
How you like me now Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks would never pull that shit, they don't give out napkins like that! Take notes D&D, take notes! I will say that this attempt at me getting back at D&D had backfired! After I refused the napkins I went to pick up my drink and they didn't put the lid on tight and the coffee went everywhere! Guess what I didn't have? FUCKING NAPKINS! You know those D&D employees were like:
On a sidenote I think I may have a new career in the works. I've become extremely stellar at sweeping the floors and picking up after the animals that I really think I'd kill it as a janitor or the person that picks up shit in a zoo! Less stress too I think! After my day of sweeping and cleaning up animal shit I can sit down and just be like:
This week Bianca had to take her cat Jax to the vet. We were becoming concerned with his behavior. He's neutered but sprays and tries to attack one particular female cat in the house. So I thought maybe he was neutered wrong because none of the other male cats spray or try to kill the female cats. So they go to the vet and the vet says.... ready for this.... "he's trying to impress her".
Yea exactly my reaction! Apparently the vet said that he's exerting his male dominance by spraying and him attacking her is his way of impressing her. I'm sorry but trying to KILL the girl you're crushing on is in no way a good way to "impress" her! I mean what's Jax's thinking? I mean is he walking around going "hey you beautiful girl watch me as I piss on the door, are you impressed by my masculinity?" What about when he tries to attack her! That just screams abusive relationship if you ask me! Seriously bro, try flowers, a mixed tape or something! The vet's idea on how to stop this behavior is by distracting him...
Rightttttttt! Like I have time to distract a cat from trying to "impress" a cat! I'm distracted enough with my life, ain't nobody got time for a serial rapist cat!
As if the cat situation wasn't bad enough, my wife suggested that the I should cut the dogs hair because they needed a haircut. So Now I'm a fucking dog groomer too! So in any event I started buzzing Teddy and now he looks like this:
Happy Monday.. woo fucking hoo!
I suppose I'll just jump right in and get started! First let me start by saying that if Mother Nature doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna need her address so I can send my gas bill to her for payment! It's like the bitch is straight up menopausal with hot flashes and all. One day its hot as hell like summer just arrived and then the next day it's raining and cold! Come on sis..... hellurrrrr....
One day last week I was coming back from picking up the girls from the gym and my PokemonGo app led me right to this park. Now the intention was to find a new pokemon but instead we found this really cool dog park. It's called the "Bark Park"... not the most original name but whatcha gonna do? So when we got home the girls told Tammy about the dog park and that ended up into my taking the pups to the park.
Now I'm going to be honest here and say that I've never stepped foot inside a dog park nor do I know proper dog park etiquette. I get that it's all about socializing your dogs and shit but do they really give a shit about making dog friends that they're probably never going to see again? I'll come back to that in a minute because I want to get to why I dreaded taking the dogs to the park in the first place. First, we have Teddy who literally barks at everything and anything that walks by our house. He will charge the glass door and plummet himself into it and then run into the kitchen barking. I'm not sure what the hell he thinks he's accomplishing by doing this but when it happens we can't help but look like this:
Based on the above background you can see my hesitance in bringing Teddy to a dog park....with other dogs. Then we have Gia who literally thinks the sun rises and sets on her little ass with her rose gold collar walking around like who the fuck she is. Seriously this dog has major attitude. She sleeps till noon and then gets up and expects a full day of belly rubs like:
You see the dilemma I was in with taking these two to a dog park? So we get to the park and Teddy immediately takes off like a lunatic running around and pissing on every inch of the park, meanwhile Gia is trotting around probably thinking to herself "fucking humans, I don't do grass and what is this leaves and dirt?" Now I know it may seem like we don't take the pups out much but that's not true. Teddy gets walked on a leash while I carry Gia in my arms. Take a moment and picture that.. then process it. Moving on.. So while teddy is lifting his leg on every thing in the park even though nothing is coming out, Gia sat in a corner snarling at some male dog trying to sniff her butt. Then a yorkie (which is what Gia is) came in and everyone at the park was like "Giovanni is here!" On a side note, apparently this is a thing in dog parks. Every one knows each other and their dogs. I'm lucky if i don't call the dogs the kids names and call the kids by the dogs and cats names!
Back to the grand entrance of Giovanni. So he comes swaggin into the park and Gia immediately ran up to him and started sniffing his face. I mean you can tell that Gio was the cool dog in the park. Meanwhile teddy is still lifting his leg and air pissing at this point, not too impressed with Gio. Gia on the other hand was all up in Gio's business with her boujee self! You know Gia was all like back off bitches he's mine!
Oh, yea so proper etiquette in the dog park. So it's one of those weird things where the people just stand around and go, "which ones yours?" You point out your dog, talk about how old he/she is, what type of breed and then there's an awkward silence and you both just walk away from each other.
I think it was last Sunday, Tammy and I were having coffee and Bianca came down and told us that she had been up since 4 in the morning because she heard this weird noise. She described the noise as being a humming sound combined with a helicopter hovering over the house. She said she kept looking out the window and didn't see anything so she spent hours googling what the sound was.
At this point she said that she even tried googling the date to see if anyone else heard what she heard. She was legitimately concerned that she was the only one who heard this because one google hit came back that hearing this sound meant that something was mentally wrong with you. Tammy is trying to reassure Bianca that nothing was wrong with her and that it was probably an airplane that she couldn't see. Meanwhile I'm sitting on the other end of the couch like:
I mean I hear shit all the time in my head so I was a little worried about that google hit about being insane if you're the only one hearing sounds. Speaking of insane..... the other day my wife and I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to get ice coffee and the young lady handed me my frozen coffee with whip cream (because that's how you're supposed to drink frozen coffee) and hand me Tammy's coffee and then just stands there like this:
Ummmmmmmm...... can I have a straw please? I literally had to ask this question out loud, not in my head. Like what did she expect me to do? Stick my tongue through the whole and slurp up my coffee like a fucking animal?!
Must have been her first day on the job.. apparently her last because I haven't seen her since that day. Maybe someone cut their tongue on the inside ridge of the hole slurping their fucking ice coffee because she doesn't think one requires a straw!
Between the dog park, Bianca hearing a sound that no one else heard, and the straw saga, I had already had my fill of crazy for the week... or at least I thought I had! Tammy and I were driving Anthony from a doctor's appointment when he came out of no where with "I know why people have eyebrows!" At this point I'm thinking in my head, "now this is going to be some fucking shit right here!" I look at Tammy and Tammy looks at me and then she says, "oh yea? Let me hear your theory." Anthony starts talking and says "before people could speak the only way they could communicate was by the expressions they made with their eyebrows, so that's why God gave people eyebrows!"
Hot damn! You all should be able to determine what my facial expressions are when one of my kids comes out of left field with some crazy ass shit. If you haven't nailed it down by now, let me show you:
I looked at Tammy and said, "this is all you!", because honestly my answer was going to be, "nah bruh, where the hell did you come up with that shit?!" See why I handed it over to Tammy?! So Tammy starts explaining that before people learned how to speak they used facial expressions and some of those expressions involved the raising of the eye brows." Anthony from the back seat, looks at Tammy and said, "Yea that's what I said!" NO... NO.. Nooooooooooooo you did not say that! I was sitting right here when you told me that you "figured out" why God gave people eyebrows! At this point Tammy shoots me one of these:
After the "really?" look Tammy said, "come on Kris, cut him slack. Mr. Daisy in the back seat responds with, "yea cut me a break I'm only ten!" So incase you were all wondering why we have eyebrows, Anthony broke the code!
So on the count of three everyone raise their hands if you missed my sarcastic rants? If you're raising your hand I can't see you sillies, so you're all just going to have to comment on the post and let me know!
I'm not even going to try and lie and make up some excuse as to why I haven't blogged in a while, I'm just going to be honest and post this gif so you can see how I look at the end of every day:
Let me fill you all in on what's been going on in the Gaydy Household since the last blog. Mama Tammy is still out of commission and I'm still holding down Casa Di Gaydy while working. Quick update on Mama Tammy... we're awaiting a surgery date for her back fusion (we'll get to that) so send her lots of love and positive vibes on social media, just send me Jack Daniels please, no serious.. Jack Daniels Black Label.
On a sidenote, we finally got a new furnace, just in time for spring! At least we're one step ahead of Old Man Winter next year! Our new furnace came with a digital thermostat so we were all excited to have something modern in the house. Our house had one of those old dial thermostats that probably belongs in the Smithsonian along with our original furnace. Ah, the little things in life! Since the furnace decided to die, the hot water heater felt a type of way, so we had to have that replaced as well. I'll tell you what, this house is going to be in tip top shape when I fucking sell it!
In the last blog I mentioned how we had a sewage back up right before our furnace died. It's all cleaned up now. I mean I'm not going to lie, it was like an episode straight out of the fucking X-files. Don't believe me, have a gander at this:
Here we have some wonderful not-by-choice-home-remodeling photos!
Looks great right? I mean the lack of walls will make hide-n-seek a little easier to play, but now we can do surprise attacks on people by climbing through the beams! I know you're all dying to see the newest submission to the Smithsonian, so without further ado:
There ya have it dearies! Out with the old and in with the new:
Oh, here's a new update you should all be aware of... I am no longer a vegetarian. Yea I mean who out there had bets on how long I would last eating just vegetables? I gave in when I was confronted with the choice of a salad or a western burger. I mean come on that's not even a second thought! Once I took the first bite, this image immediately popped into my head:
I have to give props where props are due. Bianca and Tammy are standing strong on the vegetarian thing. Alessandra has decided that Chipotle is vegetarian so she's on the dark side with me. Michael preaches to Bianca and Tammy about how it is a natural necessity that as humans we consume meat. When this happens, this also happens in my mind:
While our refrigerator is stocked with vegetables and other vegetarian things, I do have a stash of chicken hidden in the freezer. I mean I'm not opposed to trying to eat healthier it's just the dark powers take over and next thing I know I'm eating something on the forbidden list looking like this:
I love our daughters and I love when out of no where they come up with these random ideas. One day last week they came down and said they wanted to join a gym so that they could be fit for Bianca's wedding..........in TWO YEARS! Now neither one of them are unfit, however they don't believe us when we tell them this. So Carlton did the research on which gym would be best for them and I took them to sign up. As soon as I walked in we were greeted by the trainer. Next thing I know I'm signed up for a session with him. Not exactly sure how that happened but bruh needs to dial back on the red bull! The Trainer is all ready to go, looking like this:
Meanwhile I'm thinking this is what I would look like if I had to workout:
Come on now.. all you gym people know that the music they play in the gyms is lit.
So the girls are all signed up and have been going 4 days a week. They are convinced they will have Kardashian bodies in no time. Meanwhile I'm thinking could I at least get half of the Kardashian's money? What? I think that's a fair trade. Ok fine, I'll settle for a quarter of their money.
By now, you all know that Tammy has been out of commission from injuries sustained in a car accident. We had a follow up with the Neurosurgeon last week where he told us that she'll have to have another fusion done, but on the back. The doctor was explaining how the procedure would take place and what the procedure would entail and the whole time he was explaining the procedure my face looked like this:
I could tell Tammy was scared so I bursted out with "Well babe, this isn't our first rodeo!" After that comment I got this look:
I was trying to lighten up the mood, which clearly didn't work. The neurosurgeon proceeded to explain that the back surgery is a little more involved than her neck surgery and how it's generally a longer recovery time. It took everything in me to not do this:
Come on now... I mean there's days I can't remember if I brushed my teeth, forgot to pick up a kid, finished my work assignments, feed the 900000 animals we have, clean up after the 900000 animals we have, what to make for dinner so that ERRRRRRRRRYBODY is happy and eats, while still in my fucking pajamas from three days ago! I still have laundry in the dryer from a week ago. Lord baby Jesus a sister needs some help! I wake up every morning like this:
In between all of this and right when I sit down to relax for 5 minutes our little guy is like "hey mommy want to throw the football around with me!" Sure buddy, ya know because Mommy hasn't done enough in one day so let's go outside and toss the ol' ball around! My response is usually, "yea go ahead and I'll be out in a few, meanwhile this is what I'm actually doing!
Happy Saturday world! Remember a few blogs back when I said 2018 started out just as shitty as 2017? Yea well it's not getting any better I wake up every morning like this:
Listen I can totally understand the purpose of those whole motivational quotes that say, "Life is a game, play it harder"; however if I play any harder I'm going to need life to throw my ass a scholarship. So we'll start with the lesser of the fuckery and then move on to the holy shit God hates you fuckery.
I can't recall what day it was because all the days just kind of blur together, but the girls come down from their rooms and proudly announce that they are not becoming vegetarians. I looked up and said, "that's good girls", only to hear my wife say, "ya know what, that's a good idea. I think we should all become vegetarian!" With that comment she turned directly to me and said "am I right hunny?", with this look:
Now in my head I'm thinking, no this is a terrible idea! I'm Sicilian and Sicilian's not eating meat is like a...a.....a.... Sin! I mean you all see that look right? Would you say no? So here I am sitting on the couch with my wife and two daughters, who are staring at me eagerly awaiting my response so I panicked and did this:
After about 10 minutes, I realized what I had just committed to and sat there for the remainder of the night like:
Yea... so I'm a vegetarian now.
Moving on! So last week was a shittastic week, no pun intended. Now, you may all be wondering why I said "no pun intended". Well be patient dearies I'm getting there! I had just finished work for the day, was relaxing on the couch with Tam, when our son Mike comes in from work. Pleasantries exchanged, blah, blah, blah, he heads downstairs to his room and my phone starts ringing. I look down I see he's calling me and I decline it. I mean why would he be calling me, we just talked. So then I hear a yell from the basement that sounded like this: "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, we have a problem!" That's never a good thing for two reasons. One, because "we" usually means, "shit ma, you have a big fucking problem" and two the word problem is in the sentence. So I go down stairs and step off the last step into ankle high water and a horrendous smell. The smell was cross between gas and eggs. Lovely, I know. So I yell up to Tammy to call our gas company. In the meantime I'm trying to mop up ankle high water with one of these fucking things:
This mop clearly sucks when you basement is flooded. I finally threw the mop and resorted to throwing down old sheets, old clothes and lots of paper towels. At this point Tammy screams, "Oh my god, we have to evacuate!" Apparently our gas company told us to get out of the house stay about 300 feet away from the house and that they were sending the fire department. When I get upstairs, Tammy looks at me and says "grab the dogs!" Grab the dogs??? So lemme get this straight. You call the gas company, explain the situation, they tell you to immediately evacuate our home. You're half way out of the house and you tell ME to grab the dogs?! So I'm guessing you're okay with me going up in a fiery pit of hell, as long as the dogs are out of the house? Good to know. So here I am trying to get the dogs and Gia decides to start doing that dog juking thing. After about 5 minutes of me arguing with the dogs, I scooped them up, put them in the car, along with the wife and kids. Now I pull out of the driveway and park acrossed the street.
Tammy looks at me says, "this isn't 300 feet Kris!" I calmly turned to her and said listen, if this god forsaken money pit goes up in flames I want to witness it!" Keep in mind I have Bianca in the back freaking out about the cats. While we were waiting for the fire department, Bianca says, "I'm scared, can you grab the cats?" Grab the cats?? We have a friggen cat sanctuary! How the hell am I going to catch, hold and escort 8 fucking cats out of a fucking house that's not even on fire? What do I look like the friggen cat whisperer?! I told her the cats would be fine and the house wouldn't blow up!
On a sidenote, our Gas company was not playing around. Within 5 minutes, 4 fire trucks rolled up. I escorted the firemen into the house and showed them where to go, only for them to come out and tell me that there was no gas leak reading. Back in the driveway and into the house we go. I go back downstairs and continue trying to de-flood our basement when a guy from PSE&G shows up and comes down and says to me, "yea thats sewer water, call a plumber!" Well thank you asshole, I figured that out but why is it in my house!!!!!!!!!???? Tammy calls our plumber and explains the situation and he tells her he knows exactly what the problem is and to not use any water until the next morning when he gets there! Now you can imagine my reaction when she tells me that I can't shower at ALL, when I've been cleaning up sewer water for about two hours! If you can't imagine it, let me just show you:
So out came the bottle of lysol wipes and purell and that is what I proceeded to bathe in. Then I slept on the couch for the night because there was no way in HELL I was sleeping in our bed after playing in sewer water! The next morning I have the plumber and ServePro here. Plumber tells me that the pump to our sewage ejector pump died. Okay, thanks for telling me that because I had no idea we even had one of those! Then ServePro assess the water damage and proceeds to tell me that they have to knock down all the walls and rip up some of the flooring. Awesome, keep it coming. Meanwhile, while they're all talking to me, I immediately go here in my mind:
Here we are with a new sewer ejector pump, no walls and flooring in our basement with 6 heat fans that made our house sound like JFK airport for 4 days. As if all of the above was not enough yesterday our furnace decided to just fucking die! Yep. The furnace that my home inspector told me would out live me, just proved his fucking dumb ass wrong and fucking died! Not only did it die, but it died while we're still in winter, which I blame the fucking groundhog for! Meanwhile that little bastard is out there somewhere doing this:
Last night I ran out to the store and bought three space heaters. One for the living room, one for the upstairs and one for the little guys room. My wife and I both agreed that we can't sleep when it's too hot in the bedroom. Well, this morning we changed our minds when we woke up like this:
Needless to say, I went out and bought three more. See, you think that this would be the end but guess what? It's not. So now everyone has a space heater. They plug them in and guess what? Yep, we blew a fuse. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four fucking times! However on the brighter side of things, I'm a vegetarian which means, I can drink all the Jack Daniels I fucking want!