I would say Happy [insert day here] but to be honest, I have no idea what day it is. I feel like February was literally like 3 days long! First on the Kris Bitch Fest List, is something very important I want to address, that I think we can all relate to. I think we need a new fucking Groundhog for Groundhog's Day. Punxsutawney Phil is overrated and washed up! I call for a new Groundhog, or new rules! If it's sunny don't bring the mother fucker out. I'm sick of winter and people placing the fate of our winter's length in the hands of a bucked-tooth beaver! Come on people work with me here!
Okay, now that I got that out of the way, lets move on. Mama Tammy is still on bed rest due to the back injury which means I'm still attempting to hold down the fort. Sometimes successfully and other times unsuccessfully. Shit happens and I've just learned to roll with the punches.
So by now you all know that our oldest daughter is officially engaged. This means that the wedding planning has officially begun. Last weekend we went to look at places to throw the engagement party. I of course had the distinct pleasure of doing this with the girls. We had three places scheduled to visit. The first place we visited was really pretty, marble everything, chandelier's everywhere. We sat down and they brought in a plate of antipasto and then the owner walked in and asked if we wanted anything to drink. It the midst of him rambling off drinks, he said scotch and I looked up like:
Oh relax, I didn't have one. So the event coordinator took us around and showed us our options for rooms and then went over the menu with us. That's when she said, "it will be a $2,000 deposit and the balance due a week before the event!" At this point the above face went from that to this:
Then to this:
Ah excuse me sir, I'll take that scotch now! $2,000 what the actual fuck.. this is an engagement party not a friggen wedding! So of course I had the whole "let them down easy but make them think you're going to book with them" speech all prepared. Needless to say off to the second place. Now this second place is a country club. You would think, nice, classy, perfect for an engagement party, right? Yea no! As Bianca described it, it reminded us all of the entrance room of the Haunted Mansion in Disney. There were pictures on the walls of dead people in like century old clothing, inside a sitting room with a fire place, which is where we were told to have a "sit by the fire". Who says that? I get this is a country club and all, but this isn't the movie Caddyshack and I would prefer to sit next to the fire not have a sit by the fire.
It took the walk from the fireplace to the first room option for me to turn around and see Alessandra and Bee doing this:
With that cue you thought I would have been like alright let's go. Nope, if I had to do this task we are taking the walk through! I'm not going to lie, it was a little creepy in there. Really quiet and random old people just sitting at tables staring out the window eating their meals. I had to ask the women what the name of the place was again, because for a minute I thought we were in a nursing home. I'm mean this looked like a place that the Golden Girls would have a reunion party! So the event planner took us down to the last room option, which was a pretty long walk to a creepy ass elevator that was ice cold. We walk in the room and in the middle of the room there are two people sitting at a table eating! At this point I'm like:
In addition to the random strangers enjoying a meal together in a banquet hall that can fit up to 300 people, there was a speaker podium and a giant flag on a flag pole! Nope uh-uh no, girls be nice grab the paperwork and I'll pull the car up! We pulled out like
Third times' a charm! We pull up to the third place and I start hearing "ooooh this is nice!" Now I'm going to totally take credit for this because well, I can! I picked this place and it was exactly what Bee was looking for so to make a long story short the hall for the engagement party is locked in. It's legit TheKnot.Com up in this house at the moment. Dress talking, venue talking, florist talking, favor talking, invitation talking, all while I'm sitting quietly sipping on coffee thinking:
Ain't nobody told me that daughters are expensive! Daughter's need to come with a warning label! Something small like, "Warning you will need 7 jobs to afford raising a daughter". Simple and to the point ya know? I've started the part-time job applications recently.
Funny thing happened since we last spoke. We have two small breed dogs, so we house trained them with those wee wee pads. Everything was going smooth. Until our male dog Teddy decided that after turning two he was a big boy and now wants to be walked on a fucking leash to take a piss. I'm not okay with this for several reasons. One because now I have to take him out. Two, he lifts his leg on anything he sees.... bushes, trees, telephone poles, car tires even if he doesn't have to do his business. I've had the conversation with him that not everything he sees needs to be claimed by him. He doesn't listen. Three, he hasn't quite mastered the leash walking and proceeds to choke himself during our walks; and four it's friggen annoying! So naturally the first walk we took, he was so excited that this is how he walked:
Then of course everyone that's walking has to stop and tell me how cute he is and what kind of breed he is. This is seriously taking too long, so my response is "thank you, he's a pain in the ass breed"!
My task of holding down the fort while Mama Tammy is awaiting the next procedure has been more challenging this time around. Mostly because Anthony is a little older and little more debatable at this age. He definitely knows this is not my cup of tea and plays on that. Why do ten year olds play that "lets see how far I can tip toe on the line before mom snaps and I lose my iPod for a week" game. My wife will beg to differ with me on this and tell me that it's an ineffective way to parent. However I believe that if he wants to wear shorts and it's 38 degrees outside and I've already told him it's cold and he CHOSES to wear them, then he'll learn his lesson.
If he doesn't then he'll continue to freeze his little ass off until he realizes that I will always be right!
So another funny story since we last spoke! Since the wife is out of commission I have also assumed the role of cooking dinner. After the last dinner I cooked, I have been banned by my wife from making chicken stew ever again! To my defense, it was NOT my fault. So here I am, browning the chicken in oil and I added some salt and fresh garlic, stirred it a little, grabbed the black pepper and went to shake it in when the friggen cap flew off and about a quarter of a cup of black pepper dumped into the pot! At this point I'm standing over the pot like:
Trying not to let the family know what just happened, I start talking about how good the chicken is looking, while I start trying to scoop the black pepper out. I even went as far as trying to rinse it off. I thought I had gotten most of it if not all of the pepper off so I added everything else and let it cook! I served up the stew and my wife wanted hot sauce. I said "nooooooooo, don't ruin my stew with that nonsense!" She didn't listen. After every one took a bite, they were all sitting there like:
Oooops! I mean hey they were nice about it. They kept telling me how good it was in between chugging bottles of water.
Alright my gayety's I'm off to cook dinner for the family... don't worry its pasta and sauce and being that I'm a Sicilian I got this down! Until next time.....
Well February is picking up right where January left off. You might all be wondering where exactly that is? Well, in a shitastic gigantic whole of shittiness, that's where! If you recall my wife was involved in a car accident about 3 years ago. two years ago she had her surgery on her cervical spine. Now, during that time I was in charge of errrrrything! The house, the kids, the kids schedule, the animals, the meals and work, all in my incompetent, irresponsible hands. By the end of her 3 week recovery I ended up looking like this:
Which brings me to two weeks ago. While my wife has been dealing with chronic pain since the accident, she's been pushing through and handling the home front. The morning of January 31st, my wife woke up with severe low back pain and unable to straighten her back out. I told her to take it easy and that it was probably the weather. Well, later that day she called to tell me that her legs had numbness. Cutting to the chase, we ended up at the hospital where her neurosurgeon admitted her. They discovered that she had three herniated discs in her back from the car accident that they had finally found despite the back complaints. Of course I'm standing in the ER like:
So we get to the room and the nurse tells me that there's a pull out couch and that she would grab me some sheets, blanket and pillow. I looked at Tammy and said, "look at that, an upgrade, three times a charm I guess!" One problem, no one actually told me how to make the couch turn into a bed. At first I flipped over the seat of the couch and I immediately rolled off the cushion because nothing was holding it up. So i just decided to sleep on the couch. Which literally was the size for one of my legs. So the first night in the hospital I slept like this:
On a side note, you can successfully survive at least two days on Coffee, apple juice cups and graham crackers. Just throwing that out there. Now, considering this isn't our first rodeo, I have pretty much nailed down the disconnecting and connecting of the machines to my wife. I have also mastered the art of getting her in and out of the bed without the bed alarm going off. I'm pretty much a hospital pro, if ya know what I mean!
Now considering I'm a pro at the whole hospital stay... I've come to realize that the minute the nurses catch on that I know how to do all this shit, they done gone missing the whole night! Listen, I may be a lot of things, but RN is NOT one of them! Not to mention that according to my wife I sleep like I'm practicing for death, so when I was on the couch I didn't hear her call for me. The following morning, she said, "honey I called you three times and you didn't hear me I had to call the nurse to help me to the bathroom!" Now I understand the severity of the situation but at the same time I was thinking:
I mean that is what an RN gets paid to do is WERK! So needless to say I ended up sleeping on a recliner that didn't recline. They kept sending Tammy for tests which left me alone in the room waiting. Naturally the only thing on tv was Lifetime movies. I've come to two conclusions about Lifetime: 1. All Lifetime movies are over dramatic 2. Lifetime movies are always about some chick going off the dead end and becoming Single White Female! Come on Lifetime, how you going to play women like that?! After my fill of Lifetime, I ventured to different floors of the hospital because I had drank all the caffeinated coffee on our floor. In my defense, they should have had more, I mean did they really think 4 boxes of pods was going to be enough for entire floor?!
Forget about going outside to vape.. oh nooooo! The hospital legit locks down at like 7:30pm and the only way you can get back in is through the Emergency Room. I know this because I did this! It literally took me longer to get back inside and up to the floor than it took me to vape. I walked in and I said to the women behind the desk, "my wife is on the 2nd floor, I just need to get back up there." She looks at me and said, "have a seat we'll be with you shortly." No, no, no. I've been here since 11:30 this morning, there's no reason for you to be with me shortly. Next thing I know security comes out and asks me to sign in. I looked at him and said "really?" I've been here for 6 hours and NOW you want me to sign in?" Then another guy comes out of the security room and gets on his walkie and no shit says "escorting civilian to second floor"? I'm sorry I didn't realize we were in the fucking white house! Stand down soldier, stand down! I'm a sociable person, so I'm trying to make small talk with him and he's literally one word answering me and being all serious and I'm thinking:
So the doctors managed to rule out everything except for what they originally found on the first day she was there. After 6 days in the hospital she was discharged. I left the hospital and went to pull the car around front to pick her up. By the time I got to the car, I was so friggen dizzy from the fresh air, I looked like this:
Since the herniated discs are compressing up against the spinal cord, she can't walk without a cane and a person with her. She's not allowed to drive as she has numbness in her legs. Now, at this point I'm not sure what part I'm more concerned about. I mean they gave my wife a cane, which can easily become a weapon or the fact that I am now in charge of errrrrrrything once again?! Oh stop we all know the herniated discs are serious but come on people a fucking cane or me taking care of the kids? I mean even Jesus is even like:
Finally home and the first thing I want to do is shower and have my friends Jack and Daniel over for a visit. Tammy in her pain killer state gives me the low down on the kids schedule and where every one needs to be and at what time and what time they get picked up and where. Just like before I'm nodding my head but all I'm hearing is
Then I start thinking, when the hell did we get more kids? I don't remember having this many kids during the first rodeo! Needless to say I heard nothing because my panic attack was too busy having it's own panic attack! So the first day comes quicker than I had anticipated and I got the first kid up and out the door, then came home, logged on to my work server, worked for an hour or so, got the wife up, gave her meds, got her from the bed to the couch, got the second kid up, gave him breakfast in a plastic cup. What?!?!?! A plastic cup is a completely acceptable item to hold cereal. It's recyclable, it reduces the amount of dishes I have to wash and, and that's how I do it so.....! I get the second kid to school with assistance from him on where to go and where the drop off is. I come home work some more, tend to the wife, the third kid is getting ready for work, I take her to work, I come back and work some more. Then picked up all the kids come home and cook dinner and do the dishes and get ready for the next day. At this point, by the end of the night I was like:
So here we are a week into me taking over and so far so good. No kids have been lost, forgotten, inappropriately dressed for the weather or gone to bed hungry. I can't promise that this will be consistent, but for the meantime Mama Kris is lock and loaded with my adulting underwear on and ready to go!
Hello all you nosey people that like to read all about the shit shows that take place here in the Gaydy residence! Now when I say that, please know that I say that with all the love in my heart! Any who, I hope 2018 is treating you all well, because it's certainly treating me like a degenerate.
2018 has yet to stand up to the expectations that I had pictured in my head. Now I'm not sure if I really should have put all my expectations into 2018 being the best year ever, especially with the way I view things. I mean you guys read my blogs, you know how I view shit. Expectations for me every day is this:
In any event, with the last year ending like Mariah Carey's career and the new year entering, in came a house full of sick people! No shit, January 2, 2018, every single person in this house was sick. I ended up getting sick, which never happens, however being in an incubator of germs it was bound to happen. At first my wife told me to "will it away"! I'm sorry... do what? How the HELL are you going to will away microscopic germs running ramped inside my body like Black Friday at Walmart? Psssssh will it away...I'm still sitting here like:
Shortly after my wife telling me to "will it away", she got sick too! So I'll admit I was tempted to be like, "sooo um, how's that will power working out for you?" However, I'm not ashamed to admit that I am terrified of my wife when I say something stupid and I end up getting this look from her:
You all know when your wife is standing there giving you that up and down look, shit is about to get real! So I did the right thing and kept my mouth shut and gave her Mucinex and tea all day. As if the plaque of 2018 wasn't bad enough, we had a slight sitiation with the kitchen sink. Yes I said, "sitiation".. because that's exactly what it was! It was a Saturday morning and Tam and I woke up and I turn the faucet to hot to rinse out the coffee pot and nothing happened! At first I was like, why the hell do we not have water? Then I hear Bianca and Carlton say they had water from upstairs. So I turn the faucet to cold and we had cold water, but when I turned the faucet back to the hot water, we had no hot water. You all still following me? So this prompted me to check every sink in the house to see if there was hot water! Once I realized that the kitchen sink was the only sink that did not have hot water, this happened:
So first thing first, I made a pot of coffee, because lets face it nothing gets done without a pot of coffee being consumed. After the coffee I decided to fix the sink. This entailed me climbing under the sink and disconnecting the hot water line. I fought with connecting the line for a solid hour, only to determine that our pipe under the kitchen sink had frozen. So I tried googling how to unfreeze a kitchen sink pipe and came up with sticking my wife's hair dryer under the sink and positioning it with the bottles under the sink to directly aim it at the pipe! I ran that dryer for three hours and then all of a sudden we heard water from the faucet! Don't you believe that I walked around the house like:
However, as 2018 would have it, that dance didn't last too long when the sink decided to clog and fill up with water. So that "yea I did that, I fixed the problem" dance, quickly turned into this:
This "sitiation" literally became a 4 day event of Kris vs. the Kitchen sink. I was not going down without a fight! So every night I came home from work I fought with the sink. One night I was determined to win, that I took apart the entire sink. I realize now that this was a very bad idea on my part considering my bucket wasn't big enough and when I disconnected the pipes this happened:
No shit... it was like the gates of hell in water form opened up. I'm yelling for Tammy to get me a towel, the dogs are barking at me, the cats are trying to get under the sink all while I'm sitting in a puddle of water soaked from the waste down! My wife looks at me and goes, "well at least the water went down!" Of course it did hunny, it's now on our floor! So now I have the cats and the dogs drinking the water around me, like they don't have bowls of water all over the damn house, they have to be up in my business while I'm trying to slay the dragon! I have one cat ontop of the counter determined to kill me, by knocking the shit from under the sink off like:
I cleaned the pipes and put the sink back together and then ran out and got Drano in my wet pants, looking like I peed myself. I have no shame in my game, because:
Now, I'm sure you're all thinking that I finally fixed the sink. NOPE! This fucker was a fighter. So after a whole bottle of Drano Max the water still didn't want to go down. So at this point I'm standing at the sink like:
I took the plunger and plunged the shit out of the sink for an hour. No mercy. I showed that sink no-fucking-mercy! At this point my wife is sitting at the table and says "hunny I'm calling the plumber!" WHAT? Excuse me, you will do NO SUCH THING!!!!! Call a plumber
So on the final night of Kris v. The Kitchen Sink, I poured baking soda and vinegar down the sink. Now I will admit, I had a brief flashback to when I was a kid and had to make a volcano eruption in science class and used baking soda, food coloring and vinegar. Sorry I digress. Long story even longer it worked and the kitchen sink is now fixed. Bet your last dollar I walked around the house like:
As if 2018 couldn't have started off any worse between the plaque and the kitchen sink, we had yet ANOTHER sitiation. Let me briefly mention that I just took down our Christmas lights outside and our christmas tree and decorations inside the house are still up and I don't care!
Christmas day it was just Tam and I and the kids. However, in this family we do Christmas way into January! Last weekend we had our "family Christmas party", this is where my in-laws and the entire family come over and we do presents. My in-laws were spending the weekend with us, so we had to put the cats downstairs in the basement. Now I have to say that I did enjoy having a house with just two dogs running around, until the next morning when we had to go downstairs and bring the cats back up. You must be asking why? Well let me just tell you, I'm not one for leaving you all hanging with the suspenseful writing. We find all the cats EXCEPT for one! Now the finished part of the basement is one room, not that big, maybe the size of a living room. How does one loose a cat in a room with a door? Well naturally we do, because that's just what fucking happens here in the Gaydy house.
The girls are in a panic, which prompts a search team downstairs looking for Alessandra's cat, who at this point is probably thinking "I'm the best at hide-n-seek", because that's what cats think when their humans are in a panic trying to find them! So we search the whole room more than once. I look over and notice that the cover to the fuse box was down and immediately said "fuck"! Tammy is ready to call the fire department, Alessandra is crying, I'm pacing back and forth and Mikey comes out of his room with a hatchet like:
I know you all know what's coming next! Yes, a little impromptu home remodeling took place. I took down the paneling and Mike proceeded the hatchet the shit out of the sheet rock. Low and behold out comes Mila the missing cat! At this point I turn to Tammy and say, "you didn't like the paneling anyway, so we can scratch that off the list of things to do!"
Let's talk about the Christmas tree! Yes it's still up, no I don't have any urge to take it down because I feel that the cats destroyed it, so they should be responsible for taking it down. It is the saddest tree I've ever seen. All the branches are smashed together. Half the ornaments have become cat toys, the lights are barely hanging on the tree at this point. You know that tree is standing there thinking:
Well folks.. there ya have it! Happy fucking New Year and all that shit!
Before I take you all back to the Gaydy's Christmas festivities and adventures, I want to first wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. I'm actually pretending to be nice because let's face it, every year it's the same shit. Seriously, tomorrow we'll all be going to wake up for work and be like this:
So let's rewind and catch you guys up on how Christmas went down at the Gaydy Castle. First we'll start with just before Christmas Day. We live in the town that brings out all of the first trucks and ambulances just before Christmas. They go around the neighborhoods blasting sirens and flashing lights with Santa on top of the front fire truck. Now this may sound exciting to some people but in reality it's annoying. At first you think, "holy shit, there's a fire!" Then you realize what day it is and you're like, "oh great 'Santa' is coming around! Which, really means I have to go stand outside in the cold, pretending to be excited for our little guy and wait for the fucker to come down my street just for him to plummet candy canes at me from the top of a fire truck. Now I do this because my wife refuses to tell our little guy that Santa isn't really real! So this is me outside in the cold:
Now this is the point where our little guy turns to me and says "Mommy, I don't know, there's something about Santa that makes my knees weak".
I'm sorry but I was literally two seconds away from turning to him and saying, "you know that this whole Santa thing is fake right?" Meanwhile the creeper was standing right next to me, ensuring that I didn't ruin the whole "Santa experience" for him. I looked over and my wife was looking at me like:
At this point the sirens start getting closer, so I decided to start jumping up and down yelling "Santa's coming, Santa's coming!" The fire trucks turn down our road and Santa looked drunk and passed out on top of the fire truck. Dude wasn't ringing his friggen bell, not waving, he didn't even throw candy canes. I'm standing outside in the fucking cold just to see a real live Bad Santa come down my street! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the last ambulance following plummeted crushed candy canes at me! Thanks....Assholes! Seriously after that poor excuse of Santa coming to town, I was so tempted to hit a mall and just do this:
I believe I put a video of Santa coming to town in our Bonus Features section, so go check it out!
Christmas Day began with me walking up and down stairs bringing 9329394901328409 presents from the basement and then strategically placing them in kid order around the tree. Speaking of Christmas trees, our tree is now the most pathetic looking Christmas tree around. This is the sole doing of the asshole cats that live in our home. However, it's still standing so the cats have not completely won this fight. Meanwhile at night all the fuckers are doing this:
Enough about them, they get enough attention. Let's get back to the Gaydy Christmas. Tammy prepared our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, consisting of eggs, sausage, cinnamon rolls and orange rolls. We all had breakfast and then opened stockings, which literally just turned into all the kids dumping them out on their laps. Now we keep a Christmas morning tradition that my wife grew up having, which is each person gets a present and each person opens each one, one at a time. While this can take the entire day, it's a tradition we will always keep. Yea shut up, so what if I just got a little sentimental and had no sarcastic comment.
So after presents we ate dinner and then the games began! Now first we start with a few rounds of Heads Up. From there we move on to a came called Guess This. This is where it gets intense. Guess This is like hot potato on your phone. You have to give clues while on a timer. As soon as someone guesses the answer you pass the phone to the next person. You guys are quick studies, so I'm going to assume you understand how the game is played. Well our teenage daughter legit turned into Monica from friends during this game. It got scary, like really scary. I literally feared for my life when she had the phone giving clues. She kept looking at me like this:
So one round, Tammy had gotten out, so Alessandra had to pass the phone to me. She was describing a song. She looked at me and says, "oh oh oh, mommy, Hozier, its a song, come on you're suppose to know this you're gayyyyyyyyyyy!" Turns out it was Take Me To Church, I didn't guess it so she got out! Meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking, I don't even go to church! NEXT ROUND! So in this round it was down to me, Alessandra, Bianca and Mike. Alessandra is describing a fruit to me. So of course the timer is low and she turns to me and screams, "it's like an orange but it's not!" So I said apple! She looked at me and screamed, "YOU IDIOT, it was a grapefruit!!! How did you not get that?!" Ok in my defense I was still on the whole being gay and Take Me to Church round and trying to find the significance. However I did shoot Monica a look like:
Which then prompted an apology quickly followed by "GRAPEFRUIT MOMMY, GRAPEFRUIT!"
Every time someone other than Alessandra got out she was like, "aww so sorry hun, give me the phone!" It finally came down to her and Mike, which is on our Instagram page. When she won all we saw was this:
After the intense came of Guess This, we all decided that Karaoke was in order to cool things down a little bit. This went on till the early morning!
Bianca's boyfriend's brother had gotten her a Google Home for Christmas, so the next day she and Alessandra were setting it up. This was actually really fun to watch. All you heard from upstairs was, "Hey google, why is my cat fat?" Google would respond, "I am not sure I can answer that". Bianca then going, "shut up google you're an idiot!" To "hey Google play Spotify". To hearing Bianca go, "oh my god this thing is so cool!
Oh don't worry, the fun didn't stop there. Alessandra had a gift card to Urban Outfitters, in which she ordered boots Christmas night. So she comes down and said, "mom I think my boots should have come, the app says delivered". So I look at her and said, "did you put the right address?" She looks at me and goes, "oh noooo I put 41 instead of 42, mommy go get my boots pleaseeeee?"
I'm sorry? Listen I know where I live. When I order shit, it's on my porch. Now you expect me to go walk to another house, take a package off their porch when I try to avoid neighborly contact? So Tammy looks at me and goes, "oh it's Lenny's house!" Who the fuck is Lenny? If you know Lenny then you go! Of course not, I had to go to "Lenny's" house. So here I am outside Lenny's house, ringing the doorbell, because I didn't want him to think I was just taking packages off his porch. So it looked something like this:
Of course Lenny didn't come to the door, so I took the package and walked back home, feeling guilty, like I just committed mail fraud:
So there ya have it! The first blog of 2018. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's cold outside and I need some hot tea!
Well it's that time again, where I lay it all out there for the world to read and get amused by our adventures. Enjoying yourselves? Good, that's exactly how I planned it!
Well, I am happy to announce that we, and as in "we", I mean my wife has finished all the Christmas shopping and Bianca has finished all the wrapping! Don't sit there and shake your heads in disbelief like I'm the real life grinch. I put up the tree and the outside lights, I did my part. It is not MY fault that someone started with this whole thing about an old man with a white beard who lives in the North Pole with a bunch of elves and delivers presents once a year on the day Jesus was born!
I mean Christmas is about...about.... ah hell I didn't pay attention in CCD and I'm spiritual, so I can't truthfully answer that question. In any event, I will no longer allow the myth of Santa Claus to continue in this house. He's taken credit long enough! That's it I put my foot down! I mean between you and I, me putting my foot down literally lasts 2.5 seconds. The reason why you ask? Well when I put my foot down I get this look from my wife:
I immediately do this:
Well then I guess we've established who wears the pants in this relationship. Moving on! So there was an interesting turn of events since the last blog. Alessandra decided that she was going to work out. Her working out consisted of doing "butt exercises" because she wanted a "nice butt"! Well Santa sure as hell can't bring that so I guess the lunges and back kicks will have to do. So every night Alessandra and Bianca would begin with Yoga poses and then do this butt workout and then a half hour of Just Dance. For approximately ONE week, every night it looked like this in our living room.
Watch out Kardashian Sisters there's some new sisters in town and they're working the gluteus maximus! When I say that it was legit one week, I'm not lying. After one week of doing all that every night, both of them were all like this:
So if you recall from the last blog, I mentioned our new seven and a half foot pre-lit tree that immediately became a de-lit tree because of the asshole cats. Now I know which one it was because I approached every single one of them and questioned them on their actions during the night and low and behold the one that ran away was the culprit! Here's a tip kitty cats out there, if you do something that fucks something up, don't run when you're questioned! That's an immediate sign of guilt, and you're all suppose to be smart animals?!
Sorry, I digress. The ADD kicked in there for a hot minute. Back to our regularly scheduled bitchfest. So as I was saying, I take our teenage daughter, Alessandra to school in the morning. I get up around 6:15, turn on the Christmas tree, feed the asshole cats, clean the liter, have some coffee and wait for Alessandra to come rushing down the steps around 6:40. Last week, I come back from taking her to school and find this:
Now... either my fucking christmas tree got too lazy from standing and fell over or the cats were being assholes again. My suspicion led me to believe that it was the asshole cats, considering I saw one of them all in my tree like this:
This time, I didn't need to interrogate them, because I knew exactly who it was! Of course when I walked in my reaction was quite simple, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I did, however lecture every single one of them on how just because they see lights and dangly things doesn't mean that they have to be all up in my shit! They got their Christmas present, which was a three tiered cat tower! Go fucking be a cat and play on that! Oh noooooo, you all have to be assholes! Now our tree looks like its been through World War III. Looking all sad with giant cat holes all up in the tree! What a damn shame. The tree when from boujee to this:
We got fucking ornaments hanging half off, bows all upside down and balls missing with the hooks still left on the branches! It will be a Christmas miracle if this tree actually makes it to Christmas Day! We bought spray that is supposed to deter the cats from the tree because of the smell. Well, let me just tell you what this spray does? It literally deters all of us humans from the living room gasping for fresh air, while the asshole cats are surrounding the tree doing this:
As if I haven't had enough fun the past two weeks, it was Gia's birthday on the 12th. Now by now, you should all know that Gia is one of our doggos. So I come home from work and the wife and I are relaxing on the couch and she turns to me and says, "Gia's birthday is coming up, we need to get her some birthday presents." I'm sorry excuse me? Birthday presents? She then proceeds to tell me that Gia grew out of all her clothes and that she needs new clothes for her birthday. In my head, I'm thinking clothes for what? She doesn't go to school, she doesn't go to functions because she's a FUCKING DOG! She stays inside! My wife then makes me goes on Amazon and order her three t-shirts and two sets of pajamas. Want to see my face when she handed me back my phone after she picked out all the clothes? Here it is:
Wait, there's more! My wife then informs me that we have to order the dogs' Christmas outfits because they're going to see Santa!
Okay... yea.. I got nothing!
I finally convinced my wife this morning to not take them to the pet store to see Santa this morning. However, this turned into me playing pet photographer to Gia and Teddy in their Christmas outfits. After 45 minutes of Tammy yelling sit, holding a two treats over their heads and me moving left, then right, then left, then right again, we finally got it!
The doggos say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza and Happy New Year!
A few months ago we were asked by a dear friend to send a message to a little boy named Lio.
Lio is a brave 4 year old boy who is currently battling brain cancer. Lio’s parents just learned that the cancer has come back and the tumor has grown. Lio will have to endure yet another year of Chemo. We ask that everyone who reads this blog to please go and click on the link below and like Lio’s Facebook page.
The Gaydy Bunch, along with Lio’s friends and family ask for your help! Please like his page and leave him positive video messages so that his Christmas is a little brighter.
Pay it forward!
The Gaydy Moms
Before you all start busting chops that I haven't blogged in a while LET ME JUST TELL YOU WHERE THE HELL I WAS!!!! I was in the middle of the fucking woods. Yep, you read that right! In the middle of the woods, smack dab right in the middle of a forrest. I'm not pulling the over dramatic blogger card either. I should probably take this opportunity to explain why I was in the middle of Red Riding Hoods' area of expertise. Three weekends ago, my wife had told me that our oldest son and daughter-in-law invited us to their house upstate for the weekend. I figured it would be a nice little get away to spend some time with our son and his new wife and to see their home.
We left Friday after work and drove 4 hours upstate. Now when we got closer to their house, the service went out, the roads became darker. I went to look out my window at the scenery and damn near swerved off the road because I saw myself staring back at me in the window! During the drive we saw the normal signs that said "Horse Crossing, "Falling Rocks" and then we saw a sign that legit looked like this:
Yea, that's a new one for me too! In any event, we pull down their road and we see them standing in the road. I looked at Tammy and said, "why the hell are they waiting out in the 9 degree cold?" Well, let me tell you why. They informed us that we were to follow the dirt path and park next the red car and they would meet us at our car with a toboggan to bring in our bags. When I heard toboggan, this immediately popped into my head:
I wasn't exactly sure why a toboggan was needed until I realized that there was a 3 minute walk from the car to their house down the dirt road. They have such an adorable house, but it literally looked like someone took a bulldozer, cut down all the trees in a circle in the middle of a forrest and placed their house. We had a nice weekend spending time with our oldest son and daughter-in-law and relaxing. I even got to pretend to star in my own Blair Witch project every time I went out to vape. It kind of looked like this:
Only I was running around on their deck. No way in hell was I stepping off their deck, I know how that movie ended!
So after a nice relaxing weekend of fun we came home to the joys of starting Christmas shopping for the tribe of children we have. Have no fear, my wife had a plan. She created a board on Pinterest and added everyone to it, so they could pin what they wanted, including her and I. This may sound like a brilliant plan and effective way to get a list from your kids and to see what your spouse pins, however the board now has a total 900 pins. I was pinning stuff, but it kept getting lost in the slew of pins for faux fur coats, faux leather pants, over sized sweaters, a million different kinds of shoes and hipster clothes, that I literally had to create my own damn board. Seriously, in order for me to see exactly what I pinned, I had to do this:
Creating my own board was much more effective for me to pin all things possible relating to sharks!
The following week the packages starting coming! Now, I'm not sure when Tammy decided to start the shopping, but she was on her A-game with the ordering. At one point it literally looked UPS threw up in our bedroom. In order for me to get my clothes out for work in the morning I had to pretend I worked for Fed-Ex:
I literally spent 30 minutes of cardio just removing boxes out of my way, repositioning so they didn't fall and then putting them back in my way so I didn't get yelled at for trying to "peek" at my presents! Peek at my presents? There were at least 30 boxes that were all friggen in brown UPS or White Fed-Ex boxes, how the hell am I going to peek?!
So after we finally ran out of room in our bedroom, my beautiful wife decided it was time we start wrapping presents. Yep, there's nothing like wrapping Christmas presents while playing Christmas carols in November! Oh and by "we" she meant me! So I bribed Bianca with sushi and chocolate to help wrap presents with me, because I hate wrapping and I hate Christmas carols. So here I am trying to convince my wife to just leave things unwrapped as good ol' St. Nick would have done back in the day, while Bianca was like:
Meanwhile, I'm sitting on the floor like:
What? One out of eight wrapped and read-to-go! Carlton had come up with an idea of bringing up the folding table from downstairs that way our backs wouldn't hurt and we could create a production line. Oh what a wonderful idea? Now I've become a fucking elf! So now we had this whole thing going on in the living room:
After 2-3 hours, all the presents were wrapped, put downstairs in kid order and I was caroled out! By the end of the evening I was like:
This past Wednesday we took a break from everything and my wife and kids had planned out a celebration for my 39th birthday! I got a shark cake, just saying! I spent the night playing Just Dance with all the kids while my wife recorded almost every embarrassing dance move I made. You can check some of them out in our Bonus Feature section.
So as quickly as our room emptied out, was as quickly as our room filled back up with more deliveries. Somehow, my wife convinced me to venture out on Black Friday to finish up the shopping for the kids. I have two rules on Black Friday if I'm forced to go out shopping and my wife knows this far too well. First, I don't do malls. Secondly, if you go for something I'm going for, I'm taking you out. I don't care who you are, how old you are, I will be like this just to get what we need:
Needless to say, my wife chose the outlets as the choice of shopping on Black Friday to spare us some bail money. Seriously it doesn't matter WHERE you go on Black Friday the whole damn state looks like this:
Finally after about 4 hours ducking, dodging, tripping and tackling people, we finished our shopping. I'm just kidding, there was no tackling. Saturday morning I slept in a little, my wife woke me up to have some coffee. Here I am thinking that I'll have two days to relax before the work week starts. During coffee, she turns to me and said, "So, I'm thinking we'll get ready in about an hour, head out to get the tree and some more decorations and then put the tree up, what do you think?" What do I think......, I thought this:
BUT, instead I simply looked over her after I sipped my coffee like:
Out amongst the crazy we go.. yet again. We bought a new pre-light 7 and 1/2 foot tree, some inside decorations and new outdoor decorations. Now keep in mind I don't have a single outlet outside of my house, so every year I manage to Griswald our house up by wiring everything into the porch light. I tried to take control over the outside decoration by getting solar powered decorations or battery operated decorations. Of course I lost this battle, but we'll get back to that in a hot second.
Saturday night we get home, I put up the wreath, I put the tree up, put out the decorations like a boss! We all ended the night watching The Grinch with the christmas tree on.
Here's where it gets interesting. I wake up Sunday morning, woke up our son Mike to help with the outside. Now, normally I would have just knocked it out myself however, Tammy, Alessandra and Bianca picked out a fucking 6 foot bear with a top hat and scarf holding a present for our front yard; and I refused to put that together, so Mike got the job. My job was wiring two friggen Disney projectors, three lighted christmas presents, lighted garland and this friggen bear into the porch light.
Mike and I knocked out the decorations, then I came in and hung blinds by the bosses orders. I was curious to see how the Grisgay light show would turn out being that we had added three knew things that required electricity. So we waited until it got dark. I took a shower, getting ready to finally relax when it happened! I went to turn on the Christmas tree only to find that the top part and the bottom part of the tree was lit. Why you ask? Because one of our 8 asshole cats decided to climb the fucker and eat the connector, which then prompted this response from me:
In the car, pj's and all to Walmart, (oh stop! that's normal attire for Walmart), bought 5 boxes of lights, came home and strung the whole tree that was once a pre-lit tree, that became a plain tree because of the disrespectful, ungrateful cats! Once I got the tree back up and running, it was time for the Grisgay light show. I said a prayer, made the sign of the cross and said:
I flipped the switch for the porch light and low and behold there were outside decorations that had me like:
So there ya have it! The reasons why there has not been a blog! Tis the friggen season!
Happy Sunday everyone. My sincerest apologizes for the delay in blogging. Last month was a bit of a crazy month with 4 of our 5 kids having birthdays. It literally felt like every other day all I did was this:
First we started off with our youngest, who turned 10 and wanted sneakers for his birthday. Not just any kind of sneakers, but LEBRON sneakers. I remember when I was younger and it was my birthday, I got a cake, told to blow the candles out and make a wish for something I really wanted.......that I never got! I'm still waiting on 38 years of fucking birthday wishes! Lebrons.. he don't even play basketball! In any event he got his sneakers. Then 4 days after his birthday our twins turned 21. So since 21 is a milestone birthday we took immediate family to dinner and celebrated their day. This is where it starts to get interesting. The morning of the twins' birthday, Anthony gets a stomach virus.
At this point I'm thinking we have exactly 6 hours before we have to leave so throw up as many times as you can before we leave. Needless to say my plan did not go as well as it did inside my head. I'll spare you the details of what transpired at the restaurant but let's just say at one point I caught myself sitting at the table looking like:
We finally made it to the end of the night and we get home and get Anthony in bed and then Bianca comes in and informs us that she needs to go to the medi-merge in the morning because her throat is on fire and her ears hurts. Then we find out the next day that Alessandra was up with a stomach virus all night and that Bianca had a throat infection and ear infection. So here I am drinking coffee thinking that this can't possibly be a good thing right now. Then suddenly this image pops into my head:
So Tam and I immediately quarantine everyone to their rooms. I'm spraying everything I can think of down with lysol.. yes even the cats because they touch the cats. I'll be honest, I contemplated rigging up a can of lysol to the hose and taking all the germ breeding, infected kids outside and doing this:
My wife told me I was overreacting. I think NOT! I can't get sick. I have to go work. Provide. Do the providing thing. Then the unimaginable happened very early morning on Monday. The germs had reached my wife! I wake up and check on her in the bathroom like:
Listen, I'm supportive but when you're looking like the kid from the exorcist I'm going to be supportive from a distance. This meant one thing.. I was going to have to get the kids to school and we all know from previous blogs how well that plays out when I'm left unsupervised with the kids. Needless to say, Anthony went to school in an outfit that apparently didn't match. I gave him the wrong lunch and almost drove over cones on the drop off line because I don't read ANY emails that come from the school. With everyone in the house down with some sort of germ infested illness, I immediately start googling things to take to not get sick and come up with the miracle drug! Activated charcoal people! Buy it, stock up on it, live on it! After dropping Anthony off at school I drove around looking for this stuff. Finally after 4 pharmacies I found it, got in the car and immediately took two! Now I will advise you all that if you're going to take this, drink it with A LOT of water. I had a little bit of coffee left and one pill got stuck in my throat and when I burped it tasted like I ate a bag of quick start charcoal for a grill. So of course my entire drive home I'm like:
I walked into the house like:
Walked up to everyone and gave them 2 pills and said, "no questions, take these", like a boss! I made everyone take two pills every 3 hours. The next day everyone felt better and I stood, the lone survivor of the stomach virus rampage like:
I'm telling you... ACTIVATED CHARCOAL. Get it, you can thank me later!
Now that everyone is over the cooties and have officially been cleared from Quarantine by me, let's talk about Halloween! I'm not a very big fan of Halloween and yes we've discussed this in numerous blogs of mine so no need to rehash it all. I am however surrounded by a family that likes Halloween so I just play along like:
I'm not exactly sure how I, let alone anyone can get excited about any halloween considering come September every store has Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year decorations out all at once! Somehow, someway it became Hallankschristyear. I mean what the fuck is that about? I'm not sure if I should be buying candy, a thanksgiving center piece, a baby Jesus or a friggen Welcome to 2018 sign! Slow it down merchandisers, slow... it ... down!
So because I play along so well with the Halloween thing, I got to take Anthony trick-or-treating. My wife in her usual Witch costume (no serious, she dresses up as a witch every year.. not that she is one), stayed back handing out candy with our two dogs, whom she decided to dress up too!
With the witch, the bat and the F-Boy dog at home, Anthony, Ale, Bianca and myself ventured the neighborhood. The whole time I thought Anthony was a vampire until one of the neighbors called him Skeletor and I turned to Ale and Bianca and said, "that's what he is?" What? Listen, I don't do this stuff people! Vampire, Skeletor, what the hell is the difference? I mean he had a cape! What Skeletor do you know that has a cape? As if it's not bad enough that I don't even know what our kid is for halloween, I also hate walking! I contemplated driving from house to house but I got this look from my wife:
Walking it is then! I figured walking around a neighborhood would be more fun in a shark onsie, so that's exactly what I did! Bianca and Ale headed back to the house to hand out candy with Tammy, which left me and Vampetor boy walking around. I kept trying to convince that he had tons of candy in his bag and that we should head home. Yea, nope didn't work. Then the ghost and ghouls of Halloween came through for me.. he had to pee! Aww look at that time to go home!
I walk inside and lay directly on the couch in my shark onsie and all while the family is outside tending to the greedy candy kids outside! I'm thinking to myself it's getting dark everyone go home and eat your stash and drive your parents crazy! I have one here that's already diving into his stash. I start thinking that once again, I've made it through another halloween until my wife comes in and tells me that we're taking a drive to an old abandoned slaughter house after dinner. In my mind I'm thinking:
I mean of course I kept that in my head, but what came out of my mouth was more like:
She looks at me and said, "come on, it's Halloween it will be fun"! I'm sorry..abandoned slaughter house + halloween + the friggen world has gone mad+ darkness + in the middle of no where= NOT FUN AT ALL! Have you lost your damn mind? Listen Witch, I am not following the yellow brick road to find the friggen Wizzard. Don't make me drop a house on you!
I lost that battle! Carlton stayed behind with Anthony (lucky asses) so Tammy, Ale, Bianca and myself headed out for a Halloween drive. Now the whole time I'm driving my wife is like "can we play halloween music?" "Oh this is going to be so fun!" Meanwhile I'm driving, plotting my revenge. So we pull down the dark road where the slaughter house is off of and I start driving really slow, I turn into the dirt path and all of sudden, Ale, Bianca and my wife start saying "oh no, I have a bad feeling, I have bad feeling, go back!" Oh... what's this now? You all wanted to drag my ass out of the house for a fright night drive, I'm not even on the property yet and you all have a bad feeling! Okay. So I put the car in reverse and I yell, "Holy shit what is that in my back up camera!?" Now all three of them are screaming and turning there heads and going, "what is it?! Oh my god! go mommy go!" Meanwhile I'm sitting there like:
Feeling pretty proud of myself I head up the road and I have everyone telling me to just go home now. Oh no, it doesn't work like that! I turned around and pulled up right outside the slaughter house and everyone is looking to the left and I turn and yell "oh my god, who is outside the friggen window!? What the fuck is that!! OH MY GOD!", they all turn and scream at the top of their lungs, while I'm sitting in the driver seat like:
That'll teach them! Can't prank a prankster!
So the next morning we're having coffee before I leave for work and my wife asks, "where is Anthony's candy bag?" I sip my coffee and look at her like:
You should all know what comes next out of Tammy's mouth. She looks at me and goes, "Kris, what did you do?" Well, I may have suggested that he just leave it in his room for the night, you know, it was late.
I quickly followed up with, "coffee is good baby, I love you!" Which then of course prompted this reaction from Tammy:
So there ya have it folks! Until next time!
Well hello out there! I figured last week I would skip the blog and post the beautiful work of my wife. Given all the devastation that has transpired over the last few weeks, I figured my sarcastic, twisted mind would have added more devastation. Hence, the poem my wife wrote being posted in lieu of a blog. Hope you all enjoyed it!
Now back to business.. Sorry for the little sidebar, but I just have to share with all of you that as I was typing "Now back to business" Beyonce's song Run the World just popped into my head! For a brief moment I broke out into this:
Now that, that's all out of my system, let's get onto the recent Gaydy Adventures. So last weekend we, and by we I mean my lovely wife, our daughters and myself, went up to Maryland to see our niece debut in a play. Our little guy had a football game and Mike was working, so we took the opportunity to have a girls' weekend away. The drive to Maryland wasn't bad. I mean not much to look at while you're driving up, but it was about a 2 and a half hour drive. I, of course could not listen to any of my music because you know, my music sucks. So the girls had complete control over what we listened to. Which of course entailed switching 3 chargers around while I'm driving on an interstate! I'm all for having a vast variety of music to listen too but when your going from Nikki Minaj to Phantom of the Opera to Disney back to Migos, you kind of feel like:
To immediately feeling like:
Have no fear, because about a half hour before we arrived at the hotel, my wife and I started playing the soundtrack to Rent and singing. I look in the rear view mirror and I see this:
Although our girls didn't actually say that, we pretty much know that they were thinking how dare they touch the music in the car that they bought and we don't own!
We got to the hotel around 4pm, which gave us some time to settle in and meet up with our family and have some dinner before heading over to the campus to see our Niece's play. Now, the play was called Major Barbara and our niece was Major Barbara. The only thing I understood about the play was that everyone spoke in a British accent. I honestly can not tell you what the plot of the play was, what it was about or the background on the play. However, I will tell you I was in my glory listening to all the British accents flying around! Not to mention the fact that our Niece was phenomenal. So after the play we got to go see her dorm room and meet our Furnephew Hamlet, who by the way had a shark costume on!
Can we just briefly talk about living on campus for a second. I mean I totally get why kids do it, but it is definitely not something for me. Me being the nosey person I am, I start walking around to ya know, check it out. So the dorm room has three bedrooms, then a little lobby area that had a sink, mini fridge and coffee pot, then a door to the right where the toilet was and a door to the left where the shower was. Nope, no, nah! First of all I don't share coffee. Secondly I don't share a sink and lastly why the hell ain't the toilet in the same room as the shower? So as I'm "investigating", I look like this:
I have to give my niece and any kid that lives on campus, because If I had to share a room and a bathroom with a complete stranger, I'd be like
Right off the bat I'd be like, full name, social security number, date of birth and mother's maiden because I'm running a background check on you there "roomie"!
So the next morning we get up for breakfast and the girls head down and immediately get in line, while my wife and I are roaming aimlessly trying to find the coffee. After breakfast we headed back home. Now remember how I told you that Maryland was only 2 and a half hours away? Well about 45 minutes into the ride, the girls start talking about food. Alessandra all of a sudden goes, "I smell McDonald's!" If she can smell McDonald's while we are on an interstate with the windows rolled up then I'm putting a patent on her and making some money off of her! Bianca starts talking about smelling Wendy's and I'm all like:
You know why I was like that? Because they just ate breakfast 45 minutes ago and now I have to hunt down a McDonald's or Wendy's so that they can get something to eat to avoid the hangry mood from creeping up on us! So needless to say it took us a little longer than 2 and a half hours but in the end the girls were happy and I was happy because they were so distracted eating I got to play my music!
So in the last blog I shared some "documentaries" of the girls attempting to kill stinkbugs, which are located on our Bonus Features page. Well the Stink Bugs have returned and the stories I've heard while at work are endless. I'll give you one scenario. My wife and Bianca are home alone and there were two giant stink bugs in her room. I know this because on my lunch break I usually call my wife to just say hi. Well when I called her, the first time it went to voicemail, so I called back. She answers the phone all out of breathe and I immediately ask what's wrong. Her response: "We have a serious situation here, like a serious situation!" So of course my mind starts wandering into the worst case scenario until she comes out with, "there are two giant stink bugs in Bianca's room and it's just us here!"
I'm sorry, that is NOT a friggen serious situation! Damn women going to give me a heart attack with these calls! So I'm on the phone and I hear Bianca screaming in the background like she's getting killed. It's actually pretty impressive, not a break for a breathe of air, it's just one, long giant scream. My wife is on the phone yelling "eww, eww, Oh my god, oh my god! Meanwhile I'm on the other end like:
With that I was like, "okay hunny, I have to go back to work, love you!" I mean what the hell am I suppose to do? Needless to say my wife got the stink bugs and managed to record it too. It was like watching the Blair Witch Project, only involving stink bugs instead of spirits.
So this weekend, my wife and I decided to escape for a weekend up to our friends Scott and Peggy's house, which is upstate Pennsylvania. Friday night we left after I got out of work and got up there about 9pm, so we had a few drinks and then Scott and I started to watch the movie Zodiac, only to be woken up by our respective wives that it was time to go to bed. Saturday Scott and I started the morning off with a drink and jacuzzi, which of course then led us both to taking naps before heading out for dinner! Saturday night we all decided that we would watch a movie with the fireplace going. Of course I was outnumbered because all of them are horror movie freaks, where I am a giant pussy when it comes scary movies! Like seriously, my inner girl comes out and my wife's inner butch comes out when there's a scary movie on. I am the one that will sit scrunched down with the blanket up to my chin and a pillow in front of my face. Meanwhile, my wife is sitting there like:
Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you! People are getting possessed by demons, killed violently, tortured and you're all like this movie is great! Which brings me to the conversation my wife had with Peggy while they were searching for a movie. Peggy says to my wife, "I can watch people getting blunged to death but hurt an animal or a baby and that's where I draw the line!" My wife turns around and says, "Exactly!" I'm sorry but ..... WHAT THE FUCK?! Let me get this straight.. you can watch someone take an axe repeatedly to the head, brains flying all over the place but the minute a cat or a dog gets hurt you can't watch?
As if watching The Bye Bye Man wasn't pure torture for me, they decided make me watch the Grudge and Grudge II. Ya know what, next time I'm making you all watch shark movies where your innocent little seals get swallowed up whole! How you like me now?!
Leaves are falling, the nights are getting chilly, every where you go there's something with fucking Pumpkin Spice in it.. ahhh, Fall is in the air! With fall finally arriving, so do those little multi-legged creatures that have absolutely NO manners and think they can just creepy crawl into anyone's house like they own it, being all like:
Now, by now it's not a secret that our girls, my wife and myself hate hate bugs of all types. I don't care if you're a cute little lady bug and you bring good luck; if you fly by my head and land on me we're going to have a problem. That being said, now that it's getting colder outside at night the girls are finding more creepy little creatures trying to get warm in their rooms. Which means, screaming like someone is getting murdered has now commenced! With the screaming, they manage to utter shrills of "Mommmmmmmmmy, hurry there's a bug, kill it", follows! Which leaves me sitting on the couch like:
You like that transition into the recent adventure of the Gaydy Bunch huh?? All of the above leads me to last Tuesday night when my wife and I were relaxing on the couch and I had an itch on the side of my armpit but towards the back. You know the spot that you can't reach? So I said, "baby scratch my armpit?" All of a sudden she smacked me! Which totally caught me off guard so naturally I was like:
She was all like:
So I looked at her and was like.. "Babe what the hell?" In the midst of her hysterical laughter she's like you said it itched? Oh so smack my arm, that should help!
All of sudden we heard the girls scream, followed by several bangs, then more screams! At this point Tammy is like "oh my god what's going on up there?" Meanwhile I'm setting up the video camera on my phone because I just KNOW there's going to be some good footage! Of course I go upstairs (while I'm video taping) and our two girls are taking turns screaming at each other. Now they're not screaming AT each other, they were more or less just taking turns at screaming! I asked what the hell was going on and Alessandra hands me a bag and screams for me take it out because apparently there was a stinkbug inside of it. While she's holding the bag, I'm all like:
So after I disposed of the stink bug, I sit back on the couch and continue relaxing and then it happened!!! My wife starts screaming from the kitchen that there's a HUGE bug in the kitchen and for me to come kill it! What the fuck? Was I wearing a friggen exterminator outfit that was only visible to my wife and daughters? At this point I'm now like:
Up again and into the kitchen this time, BUT not before I turn on the video camera! She shows me the "HUGE" bug and it was legit the size of my thumbnail. I looked at my wife like:
Looked at the bug and said, "this is the 'HUGE' bug you're screaming about? With that, she looked at me like:
Then responded, "yes, kill it please?" Yes honey as you wish!
After that fiasco I went to bed! The next day on my way to work, I called my wife, like I normally do. At first I was like damn, that's one sexy morning voice and then I was like HOLD UP! I swear it sounded like Satan answered the phone and was like can I take a message for her! I said, "Babe?" Then heard a demonic voice and I was like, "okay hunny you sound like a demon I'm gonna go. Love you bye!" I'm driving to work like:
Not today Satan... NOT-TO-DAY! So my wife calls me and I admit I was bit hesitant as to whether or not to answer the phone. So I answer the phone and I'm all like, "ahhhh hello?" My wife comes back with, "sorry I missed your call?" Missed my what? Wait.. I called, Satan answered and you're telling me you didn't answer your phone?
So I tell her that I called her and the phone answered and I heard a voice that sounded creepy and she's all like "Babe, I didn't answer my phone!" Then she proceeds to tell me that her phone has been acting weird and going into apps by itself and dialing numbers by itself and how she thinks her phone is possessed! I'm like Oh hellllllllll no, we are taking that shit right back to AT&T. MmmMmm Mama Kris ain't playing!
Could you all imagine me walking into AT&T with her phone?! A rep walks up to me and says, "Welcome to AT&T how can we help you today?" and I'm like "yes, Satan is setting up camp in this phone he's your problem now, we'll take the 7plus thanks!" Listen AT&T I don't care what you have to do, burn the shit, douse it with holy water, light candles, pray over it but it is not coming back here! Hell no.. no pun intended!
Listen if Apple is gonna keep making phones can we keep the devil out of them? I mean I know you all got some kind of competition going with Android but the Devil.. come on bro... you better than that! Put some Jesus into your phone or something! When I call my wife and Jesus answers and is all like:
You KNOW it's gonna be a good day!