PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES MEET COLGATE

Brace yourselves... I'm going in! For those of you that don't know me, let me give you a little crash course on Kris. Lets skip over the part that I'm a few sandwiches short of a picnic and discuss the fact that I have A LOT of pet peeves.

One that I want to talk about is toothpaste. This is not to imply that I don't like toothpaste or brushing my teeth, because I do. I do however, have an issue with the large amounts of different types of toothpaste. Why do we need so many different types? They all do the same shit. I digress, that is not my pet peeve. This is my pet peeve with toothpaste:

Do you all see that? Who does that? Who squeezes the ever-loving hell out of a full tube of toothpaste? MY WIFE, that's who. Every morning I go in to get ready for work, I see this poor tube half murdered. I ponder whether or not she's pretending the toothpaste is my neck or if she's just mad at the damn toothpaste. Either way I spend countless minutes of my valuable life reviving the tube only for her to come in the next morning and try and kill it again. Poor toothpaste. Isn't she precious?!

Moving on. So this past week my wife and I had parent-teacher conferences for Alessandra and Anthony. Now, I hated school when I was in it, going back gives me anxiety. I start twitching and looking over my shoulder every five minutes for the principal lurking around the corner. I spent the first 10 minutes waiting like:

Alessandra is in Junior High, so trying to get to her classrooms required GPS, a paper map and stopping for directions every five steps. They had students selling coffee and dessert at every corner, just in case you got tired from walking up and down the damn hallways. With schools this big, they need to start putting these things in the hallways:

Now, if the schools had these bad boys then I wouldn't mind going to parent teacher conferences because I'd be all up in school like:

But noooooooooo! That would be too much fun for schools. My wife is all like, "What's the matter? It's not that far of a walk. Meanwhile, I'm over here like:

After that walk, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in a classroom and pretend to listen to teachers. What?? That's what the wife is for, she'll fill me in later. We're on a need to know basis! After meeting with three of her teachers we were done and on our way to Anthony's school. I don't mind elementary schools so much. I mean they're fun. All kinds of fun artwork hanging on the walls. The little bathrooms that make you feel like a kid again, where the sink comes up to your knees and those little tiny toilets. To most adults this may not mean anything, but because I'm mentally 7 this is my happy place. 

The elementary school literally has four hallways, so much easier to walk. The best part about Anthony's parent-teacher conferences was sitting in the little desks like:

Yes I colored while my wife parented with the teacher at the conference! Don't judge. I've learned my lesson at parent-teacher conferences. I don't speak. My wife tells me I talk too much, so this time I sat quietly and colored like any normal 3rd grader would. This prompted my wife to look over at me like:

Look, I don't know what the problem was. On the way to conferences my wife said, "If you start to go off on a rambling tangent I'm going to nudge you". That was a threat. I wasn't taking any chances with her "nudge". Jesus ain't raise no dummy. Half way through the conference I kept thinking what to get for dinner. I'd occasionally give the teacher a nod of approval that Anthony was doing well, when in reality I was nodding about my decision on what to eat. Again, that's why the wife was there. To all the parents out there, is it me or does parent-teacher conferences feel like a long interrogation process? From 6:10pm to 8:30pm we had conferences and I swear after it was all over I felt like I had been held captive by espionage and interrogated. At the end of the night I walked out of Anthony's school feeling like:

No? Just me? 

Please feel free to comment below with your favorite Parent Teacher Conference memories!