Well hello 2017, nice to meet you. First off, I hope everyone had a great holiday season, whatever it is you all celebrate. I figured I would split the blog up as an Ode to 2016 and then move on to the regularly scheduled chaos of the Gaydy household. I just have to get one thing off my chest first. As I was leaving work on Friday afternoon someone said “See you next year”. At first I was like “really? We’re still saying that?” I mean let’s be real, you’ll see my ass in 3 days. If you really wanna see me next year I have no problem sitting my ass home for 365 days, pssh, girl could use a little vacay. Let’s pay tribute to the shittastic year of 2016 shall we:
You were a giant asshole! Lets take a look at some of the shitty things you did:
For all of the above reasons and more, you have sucked at being a year and shall be forever remembered as the Negative Nelly that you were for 365 days and deserve a giant FUCK YOU! Now that I have paid tribute to the hell that I’m sure all of us have endured over the past year, lets focus on some positivity as we enter the new year! Just kidding, I still have 7 cats and 2 dogs… no matter how hard I try I ain’t seeing any positivity in that.
So recently just the other day my wife, two daughters, our little guy and myself were headed out somewhere. Our son was trying to make a meme and had put “A Avocado” on a picture of an avocado, not sure where this meme was going, but this prompted our 13 year old, Alessandra to grammatically correct his use of A vs. An and when it’s appropriate. As usual a debate ensued as Alessandra was trying to explain that “an” goes before words that start with a vowel and “a” goes before consonants. Now, I can see that the word consonants is not a word Anthony is grasping so I decided to jump in and clarify. I looked at Anthony and said, “bud listen if someone were to say you’re an asshole that would be correct. They wouldn’t say your a asshole, it just doesn’t roll off the tongue. Now, on the other hand if someone said you’re a fucking asshole, that would be correct!” He stared at me like I was in trouble and when I looked over at my wife all smiles for clarifying and teaching english to our little guy, my wife was like this:
What? What I do? I was just teaching him the right way! Hey she’s the one that says I never take have the patience to teach them things! She looked at me and side mouthed “your an idiot Kris” and then proceeded to say, “Anthony, you know that we don’t use that language and Mommy should have come up with a better example!” Ok Miss Goody Fucking Two Shoes, let them hear you yelling at me for being as asshole! I swear you make up some new curse words! But ok, ok, well played but I see you. During the same car ride, Anthony from the back seat said “Mom?” So I responded and said, “what’s up buddy?” Apparently I’m just the fucking driver, because he said, “not YOU MOMMY!” I said, “but you said Mom?” He then responded with, “Okay, one more time, you’re mommy, she’s mom. Jeez we’ve been over this a million times!” I’m sorry you’re fucking 9, a million times my ass! Needless to say, I remained silent for the rest of the car ride.
If you recall, I’ve discussed the atrocity of Anthony’s room in previous blogs. Well the wife had the brilliant idea of cleaning out his room. I was all for it until she said I was helping. Now, I will say this, I will be forever scarred from this event. I’m not joking, I have severe post-traumatic stress and nightmares from what we found in his room. I had the deed of cleaning out under his bed. Now I looked at my wife with fear stricken eyes and said, “I’m going in, if I’m not in ten minutes call for help!” She called me an idiot, isn’t she pretty!? So I go under his bed and immediately backed out and yelled, “ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION, something is alive under there, ABORT THE FUCKING MISSION!” Seriously I was like:
I sent one of the dogs under the bed, duck taped one of those hand brooms to their snouts and threw treats under the bed. I wasn’t going back under there! Shit, we could stand to lose an animal or two! Seriously, I can’t even mumble the words of what we pulled out from corners, behind furniture, in drawers and under the bed! On a positive note, we did find a bunch of missing socks. Once we cleaned out all the science projects of things growing, we went through toys he doesn’t even look at. I admit I wanted to keep a few things, but the wife was yelling at me that I was the reason he was becoming a hoarder. This then prompted a 20 minute dissertation that if she allowed me to let him clean his room, nothing would get thrown away, he would continue to hoard and end up on the show Hoarders! My reaction to this dissertation was at first, how much does he get an episode? Which then prompted the famous wife glare like this:
By now, you all know what follows after I get that look… yep, you’re right.. I got, “YOU’RE AN IDIOT, now hold the bag!” I have to admit, I find it very cute when she calls me idiot. I mean, as Forrest Gump said, “I’m NOT a smart man, but I know what love is!” I’m gonna start calling my wife “Jeeeeeennnnnnny”!
Poor Bianca has been fighting off virus after virus since working in a day care. I keep telling her to bring mase filled with lysol and spray those little fuckers down when no one is watching. In between viruses, Bianca re-did her room, which prompted Alessandra do re-do her room so those two have the nicest rooms in the house. You know why they have the nicest rooms in the house? Because I installed a second lock on their door and the cats can’t get in. This has set the cats into destructive mode, which means now they just destroy the main floor! Lucky fucking us!
2017 is looking up already!