Well February is picking up right where January left off. You might all be wondering where exactly that is? Well, in a shitastic gigantic whole of shittiness, that's where! If you recall my wife was involved in a car accident about 3 years ago. two years ago she had her surgery on her cervical spine. Now, during that time I was in charge of errrrrything! The house, the kids, the kids schedule, the animals, the meals and work, all in my incompetent, irresponsible hands. By the end of her 3 week recovery I ended up looking like this:
Which brings me to two weeks ago. While my wife has been dealing with chronic pain since the accident, she's been pushing through and handling the home front. The morning of January 31st, my wife woke up with severe low back pain and unable to straighten her back out. I told her to take it easy and that it was probably the weather. Well, later that day she called to tell me that her legs had numbness. Cutting to the chase, we ended up at the hospital where her neurosurgeon admitted her. They discovered that she had three herniated discs in her back from the car accident that they had finally found despite the back complaints. Of course I'm standing in the ER like:
So we get to the room and the nurse tells me that there's a pull out couch and that she would grab me some sheets, blanket and pillow. I looked at Tammy and said, "look at that, an upgrade, three times a charm I guess!" One problem, no one actually told me how to make the couch turn into a bed. At first I flipped over the seat of the couch and I immediately rolled off the cushion because nothing was holding it up. So i just decided to sleep on the couch. Which literally was the size for one of my legs. So the first night in the hospital I slept like this:
On a side note, you can successfully survive at least two days on Coffee, apple juice cups and graham crackers. Just throwing that out there. Now, considering this isn't our first rodeo, I have pretty much nailed down the disconnecting and connecting of the machines to my wife. I have also mastered the art of getting her in and out of the bed without the bed alarm going off. I'm pretty much a hospital pro, if ya know what I mean!
Now considering I'm a pro at the whole hospital stay... I've come to realize that the minute the nurses catch on that I know how to do all this shit, they done gone missing the whole night! Listen, I may be a lot of things, but RN is NOT one of them! Not to mention that according to my wife I sleep like I'm practicing for death, so when I was on the couch I didn't hear her call for me. The following morning, she said, "honey I called you three times and you didn't hear me I had to call the nurse to help me to the bathroom!" Now I understand the severity of the situation but at the same time I was thinking:
I mean that is what an RN gets paid to do is WERK! So needless to say I ended up sleeping on a recliner that didn't recline. They kept sending Tammy for tests which left me alone in the room waiting. Naturally the only thing on tv was Lifetime movies. I've come to two conclusions about Lifetime: 1. All Lifetime movies are over dramatic 2. Lifetime movies are always about some chick going off the dead end and becoming Single White Female! Come on Lifetime, how you going to play women like that?! After my fill of Lifetime, I ventured to different floors of the hospital because I had drank all the caffeinated coffee on our floor. In my defense, they should have had more, I mean did they really think 4 boxes of pods was going to be enough for entire floor?!
Forget about going outside to vape.. oh nooooo! The hospital legit locks down at like 7:30pm and the only way you can get back in is through the Emergency Room. I know this because I did this! It literally took me longer to get back inside and up to the floor than it took me to vape. I walked in and I said to the women behind the desk, "my wife is on the 2nd floor, I just need to get back up there." She looks at me and said, "have a seat we'll be with you shortly." No, no, no. I've been here since 11:30 this morning, there's no reason for you to be with me shortly. Next thing I know security comes out and asks me to sign in. I looked at him and said "really?" I've been here for 6 hours and NOW you want me to sign in?" Then another guy comes out of the security room and gets on his walkie and no shit says "escorting civilian to second floor"? I'm sorry I didn't realize we were in the fucking white house! Stand down soldier, stand down! I'm a sociable person, so I'm trying to make small talk with him and he's literally one word answering me and being all serious and I'm thinking:
So the doctors managed to rule out everything except for what they originally found on the first day she was there. After 6 days in the hospital she was discharged. I left the hospital and went to pull the car around front to pick her up. By the time I got to the car, I was so friggen dizzy from the fresh air, I looked like this:
Since the herniated discs are compressing up against the spinal cord, she can't walk without a cane and a person with her. She's not allowed to drive as she has numbness in her legs. Now, at this point I'm not sure what part I'm more concerned about. I mean they gave my wife a cane, which can easily become a weapon or the fact that I am now in charge of errrrrrrything once again?! Oh stop we all know the herniated discs are serious but come on people a fucking cane or me taking care of the kids? I mean even Jesus is even like:
Finally home and the first thing I want to do is shower and have my friends Jack and Daniel over for a visit. Tammy in her pain killer state gives me the low down on the kids schedule and where every one needs to be and at what time and what time they get picked up and where. Just like before I'm nodding my head but all I'm hearing is
Then I start thinking, when the hell did we get more kids? I don't remember having this many kids during the first rodeo! Needless to say I heard nothing because my panic attack was too busy having it's own panic attack! So the first day comes quicker than I had anticipated and I got the first kid up and out the door, then came home, logged on to my work server, worked for an hour or so, got the wife up, gave her meds, got her from the bed to the couch, got the second kid up, gave him breakfast in a plastic cup. What?!?!?! A plastic cup is a completely acceptable item to hold cereal. It's recyclable, it reduces the amount of dishes I have to wash and, and that's how I do it so.....! I get the second kid to school with assistance from him on where to go and where the drop off is. I come home work some more, tend to the wife, the third kid is getting ready for work, I take her to work, I come back and work some more. Then picked up all the kids come home and cook dinner and do the dishes and get ready for the next day. At this point, by the end of the night I was like:
So here we are a week into me taking over and so far so good. No kids have been lost, forgotten, inappropriately dressed for the weather or gone to bed hungry. I can't promise that this will be consistent, but for the meantime Mama Kris is lock and loaded with my adulting underwear on and ready to go!