Here we are back to the two “not really days off”. I swear sometimes I wake up and feel like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog’s Day. Is it just me, or do you all feel that way? No, just me. Great! Thanks for all backing me on that! Anyway, all week I had sweet, sweet dreams of sleeping in on this fine Saturday morning. Well, that’s exactly what it was “sweet sweet dreams”! My wife decided to wake up early and start screaming that the cats were destroying the house. I did what any loving, caring spouse would do when they hear their spouse screaming early in the morning; I pulled the pillow over my head and laid there like I was dead. Now my thought process was, if I laid there long enough not moving and holding my breath, maybe the issue would just go away. Yea, no… So basically all I accomplished this morning was knowing what its like to play dead.
Well now that I was up, I guess I should have gone out to see what the asshole cats had done, but instead I decided to play with the dogs. I’m totally not good at the adulting thing. After 15 minutes of wrestling with the dogs, and belly rubs.. the dogs, not me, I got up and headed out to the kitchen. I was thinking, “the coffee’s not done yet?”, but I figured If I wanted to make it to the kitchen table without having something thrown at my head I better keep that thought safe inside the good ol’ noggin. Needless to say the cats were being the assholes that they normally are and ripping up paper towels and knocking over lamps. She immediately starts with the “what were we thinking”… HOLD UP.. “we?” No , not we.. YOU and the girls! Here she is trying to say that her and I lost our damn minds allowing all these cats. Ooooooookay!!!! Let me tell you all HOW it really happened. Our two daughters each wanted a cat, no problem. Then my wife wanted a cat to “play” with our dog Gia, because she was “lonely”. Can you all picture my face right now? No? Ok let me show you:
Since when do cats “play” with dogs? Aren’t cats and dogs like archenemies? Do you really think a cat gives a fuck about a lonely dog? In any event, I gave in like I normally do and got a kitten for my wife. His name is Kai and he’s a dick. I swear this cat is the damn antichrist. This cat hates my guts and I gave him a home. I adopted his little ass and saved him from a gas chamber and this is the thanks I get? Growling, hissing and running away… little ungrateful asshole. I digress. Anyway, our youngest daughter’s cat developed a rare illness and passed away at 6 months old. Which I have to say was very sad for all of us. This is where it starts.. ready? About 6 months after Ale’s cat dies, she sees this little kitten. Now at this point I’m driving home from work and I get a text that says, “Hi babe we’re at PetSmart”. I immediately panicked and texted back, “DO NOT BUY ANYTHING!”. Five minutes later my phone rings. My wife tells me that Ale fell in love with a kitten and she’s crying and its a big deal because she said she would never want another kitten after Alfie passed away, but told her she had to ask… ME. You see what she’s doing right? She’s setting me up. How the HELL am I going to say no to one of my daughters especially when there’s tears involved. Needless to say “Mila” joined the family.
Now, I’m not exactly sure what the fuck happen from that point till now, but we acquired 4 more cats and another dog. I will however, say, that all the other scenarios took place just like the one above. I will also say that there are 3 common denominators in all of the scenarios that presented themselves and they are: My wife, our daughter Bianca and our daughter Alessandra! Every time the three of them go into a pet store, we acquire a friggen animal needing a home! The three of them, know exactly what to do and say to get me to say yes. It all starts with, “well we have to ask Ma”… are you FUCKING kidding me… you think I’m gonna say no and then be the bad guy? So this morning I reminded my wife to stay away from the cat cages when she goes to the pet store for the small zoo that we have over here at the Blue House! Trying’ to say “we”…pssssh, I was set up!
You all want to know what my wife’s response to me was? She said, “I want to build a house for the cats like Paris Hilton has for her dogs!” I’m sorry…
Then from the giant dog house in the backyard, she starts talking about new cabinets, when are you going to finish the family room in the basement, I want this wall knocked down and french doors with a step down into a dinning room, oh and we need a new couch for the living room, I’m thinking about ceramic tile. Also, I think I’m over the beach theme, so we’re going to need new paint on all the walls and some new decor to go with the contemporary look I want, we’ll also need to do new windows in the front and some nice wood blinds and I’m thinking, I’d love a nice wrap around porch in the front and landscaping, we definitely need some nice landscaping in the front….meanwhile I’m over here like:
After the cat debacle and a pot of coffee, I gave our son Mike a haircut. Punk didn’t pay me shit for that nice fade! I got a “thanks ma” and a hug. Psssh, what the hell am I gonna do with a friggen hug with all you kids, better pay mama! We all headed out to the football field to watch our littlest of the bunch play. I just want to mention, while I’m all for kids playing sports, can we get some fire pits on the sidelines? Kids don’t mind the cold, they’re running around like a bunch of banshees in shorts and shirts like its 90 degrees outside and we’re all over here bundled up and shivering, nose dripping with some numb hands reaching for coffee that’s now ice cold!
Tonight was date night for the wife and I. I got my wife drunk.. well actually, my wife got my wife drunk. Don’t know what she was thinking ordering a fishbowl of sangria. My wife gets drunk just smelling a glass of wine. After dinner she decided she wants to walk around Kmart just for fun. Now, that’s my idea of fun… watch out Kmart the Mrs & Mrs are coming through and one of them has had a fishbowl of sangria! There goes the Gayborhood!