Happy Thursday everyone! Yes I'm still here... I know from the outpouring of comments from my last blog that you all were so concerned with my health.
Just kidding... ya'll didn't care one bit...NOT ONE BIT.... selfishness! Well then, let's jump right into things shall we? Lots have been going on, as usual. It wouldn't be the norm around here if every day wasn't filled with endless amounts of chaos. So since the last blog, school has started. Alessandra is now a Junior and starting to show interest in colleges. Anthony is now in middle school... Lord help us! It's really bad when both come home and we ask Alessandra what she has for homework and she tells us and we're like "okay kiddo"; then we ask Anthony and he tells us and we look at him like:
That's when I pull up the email from his teachers and open his Google classroom and point out all the assignments he failed to mention to us! Then we get the blank stare like we're the ones that have three heads and speaking in tongues like:
See now, this boy isn't use to me being home so when he gets home from school he walks in and give my wife a hug and looks at me and gives me this:
I don't know what happened to this child over the summer. Last year he got up on his own in the morning, made his bed, got dressed, made breakfast and was ready to go to school before my alarm even went off. Now I gotta tell him a thousand times to get ready. At one point I straight up asked if he was smoking weed. Boy walking around looking like he high as fuck! He looked at me and said, "what's that?" Meanwhile, my wife is standing next to me giving me this look:
What?! It's a legitimate question! In a matter of three months all the damn brain cells our boy had, some how just escaped his damn head.
I went up to his parent teacher conferences and met with his case manager and she's all like "Well we let our 6th grades settle in up until November!" November??? What in the hell? Hell no, he needed to be settled in now. This boy has been walking around winning votes for Prom King in a school where they don't even have Prom! Talking about how he has a bet with his friend how many scrunchies he can get from girls? Oh so you a pimp now? You ain't gonna get no scrunchies if you keep going to school smelling the way you smell. Get the hell out of here Pimp Master No Flex.
What is it with middle school boys now-a-days anyway? All of them have the same damn haircut, where the same damn style of clothes and none of them seem to want to get wet. We aren't even gonna talk about the toothbrush that's hard as hell with an almost full tube of toothpaste going on 3 months now and they try and tell you, "yea I brushed my teeth!" With what? You're damn finger and some water? Ya'll nasty, just nasty! This boy tryin' to see what he can get away with. I tell him to get his ass in the shower and he turns the water on and sits on the floor watching videos. You wanna know how I know? I know because I roll up to the bathroom door like this:
There he is fully clothed, wasting my damn water while he sitting on the floor on his phone! Nope, I ain't playing! Better get yo dirty ass in the shower and I better hear the water bouncing off of you and hitting the damn shower floor like it's suppose to sound and when you done I better hear you gagging from brushing your teeth and tongue with a toothbrush!
Lord have mercy this child is pushing the Christian right on out of me too. One night he was all mad because he tried to tell me he didn't now how to do the last two problems on his math homework. IT WAS ADDITION! Boy don't you try to think we're stupid. Then he starts with the "I don't want to talk about it anymore"
Oh excuse me.... last time I checked, you ain't have no job, no money, living here for free, eating all my food and you gonna tell me you don't want to talk about it anymore?? We're gonna talk about it all night if I want to. Then he has the nerve to come out of his room with a list a mile long for Christmas. See now that's when I tell him well guess what Santa ain't real no more, you're ass is grown. You keep acting like this and we ain't buying you shit, take your list with you!
Speaking of Christmas, in the beginning of November, my wife started pointing out how houses were starting to decorate. We haven't even come close to Thanksgiving and she's collecting lists from the kids and talking about let's decorate for Christmas. If I learned one thing from my near death experience, it is never argue with my wife and do exactly as she says. I did however work out a compromise with her. I agreed to help put up the inside decorations and the boys can do the outside decorations after Thanksgiving. The other night my wife looked at me and said, "I don't think you're excited about Christmas?" I just looked at her like:
How the hell am I suppose to be excited for Christmas when Thanksgiving isn't even here yet?? Then she proceeded to tell me there are 30 plus days left until Christmas. Okay again, how am I suppose already. be excited about something that is a little more than a month away? See there's no right answer to this people! I got one kid playing Christmas music already, I got another kid just knocking out his shopping, while all the other kids are just sending their lists through text and I'm sitting here like can we give some Thanks first, like as in Thanksgiving!
Then people wanna sit there and be like, "oooh how time flies!" No, no, no, time does not fly it's rushed by all you people skipping from Labor Day straight to Christmas!
My wife takes Christmas shopping extremely serious! She creates a Pinterest board and invites all the kids to just pin whatever they want, then she transfers the pins to a handwritten list on paper and then transfers the handwritten list to an app on her phone broken down by kid. I just got tired typing all that out! When she starts the Pinterest board, you see all the kids like this:
I'm done talking about Christmas until after Thanksgiving! So Bianca decided that since the winter was coming that she was going to make homemade cat shelters for the cats that were homeless. That's nice right? What's not nice is the fact that the shelters are in our backyard. As if we don't have enough damn animals inside the house we now have an array of animals in our backyard. I'm about to claim house as an animal sanctuary and start charging admission to the petting zoo we now have in our backyard! The other morning I got up to have coffee and one of Santa's damn reindeer was in the back yard eating the cat food she had put next to the shelters. Our back yard looks like the waiting grounds for Noah's Ark! Here I am all zen pouring coffee when I see this big ass Buck standing in the window looking at me like I interrupted his morning! I did what any normal person would do in this situation, yelled.....
Speaking of backyards... Friday nights our oldest son and daughter-in-law come over and the all the kids hang out. On on particular Friday night the boys decided to make a fire in the fire pit. Anthony went out with them too. This boy comes walking in and says, "Mom I'm just gonna grab a wine cooler!" I'm sorry did you loose your damn mind on our way back to the house from the fire pit? I'll give you a wine cooler to put on you're eye when I bust you in it! Get the hell out of here!
In any event, I was watching the boys carry Mike's wood slats from his bed out to the fire pit. Whatever happened to looking for tree branches?? We went from girls burning bras to boys burning beds! That damn fire looked like St. Elmo's!
The older boys decided to stay by the fire and have a few beers. Tam and I were heading to bed and we said make sure you don't burn the house down and clean up after yourselves. The next morning we wake up, sit down and have some coffee when a blinding light came from the fire pit and hit me right in the eye. I'm sitting at the table like:
After my sight recovered we noticed that the sun was hitting beer cans and bottles that the boys had thrown into the fire pit. Now.... you all know what's coming out of my mouth! How you gonna try and burn cans and bottles? That is not cleaning up after yourselves, that's thinking that we ain't gonna notice the blinding light coming from the fire pit! I love how these kids think they can get over on us, like we haven't done all this shit before... hell we invented this shit they try to get away with!
We decided to greet our son with a recycling can. He was like "what did you walk out there to check?" Hell no we ain't walking all the way out by the fire pit, the Sun was kind enough to show us your foolishness!
Moms 1- Kids 0