It's that time again! We have a lot to talk about so no sense in the pleasantries because quite frankly I'm all out of them! Let's begin shall we? Let's start off with a quick update on Mama Tammy. We're still waiting for a surgery date which means I'm still "in charge" of holding down the Gaydy Household. Now I will admit the first few weeks I had this shit down to a science. Here we are several months later and all hell has broken loose. At the end of every day I find myself like this:
Let's start with the lunch making for Anthony in preparation for school days shall we? Anthony likes to take two hard boiled eggs and two slices of bread for lunch during the week. I'm pretty sure you're all thinking "ok what's wrong with that?" Nothing! Absolutely nothing is wrong with that, except I've managed to completely burn 6 eggs before I finally nailed it! I admit I googled how long eggs should boil before being done.
Seriously, how the fuck do you screw up hard boiled eggs? In my defense, it's simple.. very simple. You forget that you actually put eggs in a pot to boil until you get a strong odor of burnt eggs and then yell "FUCK, ANTHONY'S EGGS!" This has been an ongoing statement made by me for a few weeks now! I haven't just burned eggs either. I've actually completely forgot to make them the night before which means I'm standing in the kitchen thinking this might be a better solution for me:
Let's move on to the next Kris Catastrophe. One day last week or the week before I was sitting in my home office also known as the corner couch, working. My cell phone rings and I see it's Alessandra calling. So I answer the phone and I immediately ask if everything is okay because why would she be calling me during school right? Only it wasn't during school! Alessandra said to me, "hi where are you?" I looked at my phone and saw that it was 2:30. The poor kid gets out of school at 2:15. I immediately repeat "Shit, shit, shit, fucking shit, I'm on my way!" Yep, it happened! I forgot to pick up one of our kids! It was bound to happen. I kept saying that I should not be left in charge of kids! The whole time I'm driving, I'm saying to myself:
I mean seriously the fact that my wife entrusts the kids with me is crazy! I've been in the same joggers and shirt for 4 days and literally forget to eat during the day! Keep in mind before my wife's accident, this house ran so smooth, I'd call her on the way home from work and the convo would basically go like this:
Now that I'm in charge, shit is more like this:
Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT easy! I give my wife all the credit in the world. Half the time I'm walking in circles trying to remember all the shit I have to do and forgetting why the fuck I walked into rooms! I downloaded a reminder app to help and guess what, I forgot to check the fucking reminder app! Isn't that the point of reminder apps is to fucking remind you? I need an app that literally blows my phone up every 5 seconds until I do the shit on the list. Don't give me an app where I can just check off done even in not doing it. Give me an app that legit says "bitch don't you fucking swipe done because you don't want to see any notifications on your phone, do YOUR SHIT NOW!"
Remember in one of the blogs I was telling you about my trip to Dunkin Donuts and how the girl was generous enough to give me my iced coffee but no straw? So as usual we made a stop at Dunkin Donuts, now I always say "no receipt please". No point in killing trees when I have my banking app on my phone. The people at Dunkin Donuts are infamous for acknowledging what you say and doing whatever the fuck they want to do anyway! So I order the coffees, pull up and say "no receipt please and no napkins". You know what I get? I get a receipt and a stack of fucking napkins! I will say this time the person gave me 5 straws for 2 drinks! I simply turned to my wife and said "you know this shit is going in the blog right?!" So now I've come up with a plan. When we go to Dunkin Donuts and I order and I say no receipt or napkins please and D&D rebel employees hand me a receipt and napkins, I give it all back to them!
How you like me now Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks would never pull that shit, they don't give out napkins like that! Take notes D&D, take notes! I will say that this attempt at me getting back at D&D had backfired! After I refused the napkins I went to pick up my drink and they didn't put the lid on tight and the coffee went everywhere! Guess what I didn't have? FUCKING NAPKINS! You know those D&D employees were like:
On a sidenote I think I may have a new career in the works. I've become extremely stellar at sweeping the floors and picking up after the animals that I really think I'd kill it as a janitor or the person that picks up shit in a zoo! Less stress too I think! After my day of sweeping and cleaning up animal shit I can sit down and just be like:
This week Bianca had to take her cat Jax to the vet. We were becoming concerned with his behavior. He's neutered but sprays and tries to attack one particular female cat in the house. So I thought maybe he was neutered wrong because none of the other male cats spray or try to kill the female cats. So they go to the vet and the vet says.... ready for this.... "he's trying to impress her".
Yea exactly my reaction! Apparently the vet said that he's exerting his male dominance by spraying and him attacking her is his way of impressing her. I'm sorry but trying to KILL the girl you're crushing on is in no way a good way to "impress" her! I mean what's Jax's thinking? I mean is he walking around going "hey you beautiful girl watch me as I piss on the door, are you impressed by my masculinity?" What about when he tries to attack her! That just screams abusive relationship if you ask me! Seriously bro, try flowers, a mixed tape or something! The vet's idea on how to stop this behavior is by distracting him...
Rightttttttt! Like I have time to distract a cat from trying to "impress" a cat! I'm distracted enough with my life, ain't nobody got time for a serial rapist cat!
As if the cat situation wasn't bad enough, my wife suggested that the I should cut the dogs hair because they needed a haircut. So Now I'm a fucking dog groomer too! So in any event I started buzzing Teddy and now he looks like this: