Matchmaker, Date Day & Waxing

So as you all know, I work two jobs. If you didn't know, now ya know so let's keep it moving. I'm professional by day and retail by night. I initially took the part time night job to decompress from my professional job. Ya know mindless cashier work, chatting with customers and acting like I'm 20 again with some co-workers. However, there are some of those co-workers that make you look like this when they talk to you:

One day I was at work and a co-worker asked me for help. So I'm thinking he needs me to help unload some stuff or get him some supplies. I mean that would be the normal thought process when a co-worker asks you for help, right? Nope, no... that wasn't what he wanted help with. He asked me to find him a girl that he could pay to marry his nephew. Okay first of all, when I signed up for the part-time job I expected cashier, I expected sales, but finding a girl and telling said girl that I have someone that will pay her money to marry some random guy's nephew was not in my job description. So At first when he asked me I was like:

I mean what the hell are you suppose to say to that? What am I fucking Minimum Wage Matchmaker here? Let me roll up to girls in my pep boys' blue shirt and black cargo dickies with my name tag that says "unicorn" and ask them if they'd like to be bought? Yes my name tag really says Unicorn. I mean yes, I am the Cashier with the Mostest and the customers always end up leaving laughing, but I would hit total stalker/creeper status if I start handing out applications to every girl that comes to the register for the "I'll pay you to marry my nephew" application". Customers would be like:

With working two jobs I'm not as home much, so I decided to take a day off and surprise my wife with a date day! I know romantic, if I don't say so myself. I told her I was taking her to the outlets and then we would have a lunch date. I bought some pants for my professional job and Tammy bought a pair of shorts. Then it began....

The hunt for the perfect sandals!

Now, I'm sure you all know how big outlets are and how many stores are in outlets, so you can imagine what I endured looking for the perfect sandals for my wife. Every store we went into, every pair of sandals we looked at she was like:

Finally after a hour of making our way around all the stores.....TWICE, she found the perfect sandals, which of course prompted this response from me:

After the outlets I wanted to head to this spiritual store that we always go to for incense and things like that, so I could get a beaded bracelet I've been wanting to get. So we're in the car and I said, "ok let's head to Cha's so I can get the bracelet". Without hesitation, Tammy blurts out, "do they have a bathroom?" I respond with "what the hell are you talking about?" She goes, "I don't care where we go as long as they have a bathroom!" Meanwhile, I'm driving with a blank look on my face because we've been to this store a thousand times and every time we go there, the first thing she does is go to pee. So you could imagine my confusion when she blurted out "do they have a bathroom"? It kind of looked like this: 

Moving on...

So I had this brilliant idea that I wanted to try the black mask thing that is all over the internet. So I went to Ulta and of course they didn't have it, but the lady gave me this little Biore wax kit. At a first glance, you think "how cute". It comes with a little stainless steel pot of wax, a bottle of soothing oil and waxing sticks. So apparently directions indicated that you heat the wax on the stove and then apply and rip off, kind of like the black mask. The only reason we know this is because after the first application Carlton decided to read the instructions. Notice how I said AFTER! 

The wax smells horrible and is green, so it looks like you have slime all over you, that hardens. It appears to be as painful as the black mask only because we had to wax my lip and eyebrows three times just to get it to work. At one point it looked like a surgical procedure. 

Carlton was holding the flashlight on the cell phone over my face, so Bianca could actually see if the wax ripped out the hairs. So I endured this procedure until all the wax in the stainless steel pot was gone. With every rip of the wax my wife was videotaping for our social media accounts while my body was doing this:

I suppose everything in this house is material, even if it leaves my entire face and neck bright red!