Happy Monday Team Gaydy! Hope everyone had a nice weekend, if you did, I don't want to hear about it! I'm kidding. Please tell me all about your wonderful weekends, while I worked 10 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday. No really, I'm not bitter at all, I really want to hear all about your weekends with your families and the fun things you did. Go ahead, I'm listening:
So let's fill you all in shall we? Last weekend after working the whole week days and nights and the weekend Tammy and I went to our cousin's 21st birthday party. I was exhausted so after mingling for a little bit, I decided to sit in my cousin's "UComfort" Chair. Has anyone ever heard of or seen these chairs? At first glance it looks like a chair to the gates of heaven. However, when you sit in it and turn it on, you quickly realize that its the chair that will take you directly to the gates of hell! If you don't know what I'm talking about, this is what the chair looks like:
Seriously, doesn't it look like heaven? All innocent sitting there? NO!!!! You turn that thing on and it turns into a friggen chair of torture run by Satan himself. I hit the "relax" button and immediately the chair dropped back and the feet raised and all of a sudden I started getting punched in the back, by what felt like the fists of little baby devils all the way up my spine. As if that wasn't bad enough, the things that hold the calves started squeezing them like a blood pressure cuff. It doesn't end there my friends. After being rapidly punched for 10 minutes straight and my calves squeezed until I felt little heart beats in them, the chair arches your back into a position that the friggen spine IS NOT SUPPOSE TO GO INTO! I tried to turn it off, but I couldn't figure out the remote so I had to endure another round of torture, all while my wife is showing my mother-in-law a video a made of our son's wedding. So while I'm being tortured all you hear is A Thousand Years by Christina Perri in the background and here I am like:
Every time the chair arched me back into a normal position, I'd see my wife look over at me like:
No worries hunny, I got it all under control. Don't help, just sit there and watch the video for the hundredth time. It's good. I'm good. No worries. When I finally managed to escape the death chair, I was standing in front of my wife like:
My wife and my mother-in-law looked up at me and said, "did that chair help your muscles". WHAT?!!?! Did you not see my entire body go into convulsions and being arched into positions that the human body can't possibly go into unless forced? At that point I decided I deserved a cigarette, so I went out side and my cousin was outside and said, "Isn't that chair amazing!?" Naturally I was thinking, NO, that chair is the devil full of evilness. So I responded, "oh my god it's amazing!"
Let's move on from the devil's throne because I still have nightmares about that chair. So one night last week we were watching Buzzfeed Unsolved Mysteries with our daughter Bianca and it was the episode of Human Combustion. Apparently some chick combusted into flames while sitting in her chair. At first I thought I solved the mystery by yelling out that she sat in the UComfort chair, but I was wrong, it was a recliner. So the next morning Bianca comes down and says she feels really hot. Then all of a sudden she starts panicking. We asked her what was wrong and she was like, "oh my god, I feel so hot, like from the inside, oh my god what If I combust". Clearly me being me, my reaction was something like this:
Shit even the dogs were like:
Now, I've mentioned many times before that I'm not the good parent, so I told her don't worry if you combust we have a fire extinguisher under the sink. This did not help the situation, so my wife jumped in and told her that she wasn't going to combust. Oh yea..that's reassuring. I thought my suggestion was much more assuring. My wife tells her there's only 200 suspected cases and she's pretty sure that she wouldn't be 201 because we don't know if these "suspected cases" are actually real! Again, my reaction:
Okay, so we've covered the chair from hell and the human combustion. Let's move on to quality time with my wife and I on my day off. So my wife wants to spend the day out and about because it was a beautiful day and I've been working non-stop. No problem. So we were driving and like NORMAL people I had my arm out the window enjoying the beautiful weather. That was quickly interrupted by the intense pain of my arm being rolled up in the window. I swear for a second I had lost my arm from the elbow down. I start screaming, "BABE, BABE, MY FUCKING ARM IS STUCK!" What does she do? She starts laughing hysterically! While she's laughing hysterically my arm is currently losing circulation and looking like this out of the window
When she finally decided to roll the window down, her response to me, while still laughing is "how was I suppose to know your arm was out the window?" Oh I don't know... nice day, windows are rolled down, what the hell else do you do with your arms? YOU PUT ONE OF THEM OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!!! That only prompted her to laugh hysterically for the next five minutes. So while I'm sitting in the passenger seat, trying to regain blood flow to my arm, she's over in the driver seat like:
So this past Friday, Bianca had a Summer BBQ for her job. I had to work, but Tammy took the kids. The theme was a western theme and apparently they were supposed to have a lama there. Can you ride lamas? I don't think you can ride a lama... they spit! Imagine all those poor kids there waiting in line to ride a lama and this happens:
Poor kids! What a western show down. Since when are lamas apart of a western theme too? In any event, I found out later that night they didn't have a lama, they had a pony instead. Which makes more sense if you think about it.
Pony = western, Lama=spitting contest.
Well there ya have it, another fun filled week of the adventures of the Gaydy Bunch Family.