JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL
Back in the blog "Confirmed in Crazy", remember I mentioned that my wife and daughter, Bianca found a Jesus plushy, or as Bianca refers to it "a Jesus stuffed animal"? Well this is becoming a reality in the Gaydy household. I've come to the conclusion that for Easter all the kids will be getting a Jesus plushy. Now, I'm not one for stuffed animals or plushies, however, we're talking about JESUS! Has anyone ever seen these? If not, I have done the work for you (you can all thank me later):
Now personally, I would go with the "My Friend Jesus" doll. Definitely looks like Jesus and looks cuddly. Not sure whats going on with the Bleacher Creatures version of Jesus, but he looks a little mad not something that I can see being cuddled, he looks a little unapproachable. The last one, I have no idea what they were thinking, just horrible... disgraceful replication of Jesus, I mean come on Sunny Toys you made Jesus look like a drunk homeless person and honestly $42.86?? That's ridiculous! Jesus would not like that all! So there's my recommendation people. My friend Jesus stuffed doll will be replacing all the chocolate and bunny shit in the Gaydy Household. I personally CAN NOT wait to cuddle with my friend Jesus at night and drift off to a peaceful sleep humming a hymn.
Let's move on to the children shall we? We move quickly here in the Gaydy household. It's hard to keep up but that's why I have my wife to fill me in on what I blatantly ignore... I mean miss....while I'm at work. Apparently I missed a conversation where our 13 year old, Alessandra wants to have her teeth filed like a vampire and our 20 year old, Mike wants to have his teeth filed like a bear. Alessandra has watched one too many episodes of Vampire Diaries and Mike has spent way too many days out in the woods. Of course when I first heard about this my initial reaction was:
which quickly went to:
Vampire teeth and bear teeth. What the hell do these damn kids think this is? An episode of American Horror Stories. How the hell am i suppose to introduce you two nimnuts with friggen fangs hanging out your mouths? Could you imagine being a function and having to introduce these two: "Oh this is my daughter Alessandra and son Mike don't mind there fangs, they don't bite. They're housebroken!"
Then they tell me it's just for "looks"... looks you say? Mike tells me to think about how good they'll be for eating meat. What the hell are we suppose to do, throw raw meat at them now like the two dogs?! Get the hell out of here. As if the teeth aren't enough, Alessandra wears a ring that "allows her to go out into the sun". Ohhhh, well thank god for that!
As if those two aren't enough, our little guy comes out with "what is birth control?" Of course my response was, "you"! That of course prompted my wife to give me the very familiar look of "your an idiot Kris":
Seriously that was wrong, I admit, but it certainly makes for great blogging material. So he took one for the team... he'll get over it. I was not about to explain forms of birth control to a 9 year old. Listen, I'm dealing with Smoky the Bear and Katherine Pierce (from Vampire Diaries), the birds and the bees IS NOT up for discussion at 9. Please I'm trying to make it to my 40th birthday.
No wonder why my wife and I sit and stare at each other over coffee in the morning. These kids are crazy! Not saying that we're not, because I for one can totally vouch for my insanity. However, they're getting to my wife. The other morning we were having coffee and she was scrolling through her phone and said "bless you". Confused, I looked at her and said, "hunny, I didn't sneeze". She said, "no, not you. The cat sneezed." I'm sorry. Did you seriously just bless the cat... that sneezed?
I mean I'm still trying to grasp the concept that our friggen cats walk around saying "hello". Listen, If I wanted a friggen parrot I would have bought a parrot. I got enough mouths in this house that talk, now the animals done lost their shit thinking they can speak too? Don't get me started on the two dogs. According to my wife, they lost their minds too with the talking back when you correct them. I'm just trying to figure out why our male dog with get all vicious and protective when someone walks down the street and then runs in the opposite direction? Bro, where the fuck you going? Let's not forget Gia, the Princess dog. Her ass doesn't get out of bed until well after noon. Glad to see that we will all end up dead if there's an intrusion because Gia will lay in the bed on her back expecting belly rubs and Teddy's will be like
NOW do you all understand why we need Jesus plushies up in this house? We have one kid that wants to be a supernatural, one that wants to be a bear, one that wants to know about birth control, one that thinks Jesus is a stuffed animal and we bless the cats and dogs when they sneeze! Jesus can come in and take the damn wheel!