Well hello out there!! Yes it's your favorite sarcastic blogger, here to rant about the bunch and get you all caught up! I know it's been a while since the last blog AND YES I KNOW I SAID THAT IN THE LAST BLOG...
Get use to that line, because Mama Kris is busssssyyyyy!
A lot has happened since Easter so grab some tea because I'm about to spill ours! First and foremost Bianca is an official licensed driver! Can we please get a round of applause on this? The reason being for the applause, is that all the way to the road test Bianca kept saying "oh my God, I'm going to fail!!" Now, being the amazing, supportive parents that Tammy and I are, we just kept encouraging her that she was going to do fine and pass. In the back of my mind I was thinking of the time I took my road test and how the instructors were just straight up assholes and were determined to fuck with you and crush your soul. Who remembers back in the day when the instructors use to get in the car and refuse to put on their seat belt just to mess with you? They all looked the same too! Every single soul crusher looked like this:
I have to say Bianca had a pretty cool looking instructor. They really modernized the DMV since I took my test! Dude had a long as beard and was covered in tattoos with gauges. So Bianca gets in the car, the instructor gets in and we watch her drive off around the building. I'm not even lying when I say that she drove around the building, did a parallel park and came back. Tammy and I both looked at each like:
At first we thought she failed, but she rolled down the window and gave us the thumb's up and I literally said, "damn that was the quickest road test in history!" I now know why the road test was quick, because getting her actual license looked just like this:
Yep, a 2.5 second road test and a two hour wait to get the license, so please everyone reading give not only Bianca a round of an applause, but me for not losing my shit during the wait. I'm sure you're all wondering what I've been up to and if you haven't I'm going to tell you anyway, because that's the point of a blog! Up until last weekend, I was still coaching basketball. My 8th grade team had it's last official tournament of the season down in Hershey for Nationals. It was a nice little three day get-away full of basketball. Now the season has come to an end I have weekends free for the most part. So you'll be happy to know that regular bi-weekly blogs will be coming your way. I know you're all sitting behind your computer or phone reading this acting like:
Don't act like your not....!
So let's rant about the children shall we? I mean what be a true Kris blog if I wasn't ranting about children and what they do? So as you all know by now, we have like a million kids. I exaggerate but in all honesty it truly feels like that sometimes. It's like I'll be talking to one kid and then two more will walk in and then after they leave, three more DIFFERENT kids walk in and in my head I'm thinking "didn't I just talk to you?" It's like a revolving door of kids in here. At times I swear it looks like this when I get home from work:
Half the time, I'm calling the kids the animal names and the animals the kids names. Anyone out there with more children than the state requirement, which I am now declaring as two, can truly appreciate what I am about to say. Picture this, you have 5 kids living in your house, accept the fact that you are outnumbered at this point. It becomes a real life episode of The Survivor. You buy groceries and within a matter of minutes it looks like the apocalypse has just hit. Your refrigerator now looks like this:
What to do in this situation you ask? Well, lucky for you I have tips to survive raising kids. First step, buy food and hide in your bedroom! That is the number rule of surviving a household of children that you would think have a tapeworm. My wife and I have all kinds of snack hidden in all areas of our bedroom. You have have to multiple hiding spots. Here's why; one kid happens to go into your room because you order them to get you your phone charger. You can't just have all the good stuff out in the open. Put the shit in a hamper. They'll never look there! Multiple hiding spots people, take it from us, they still haven't found the bag of chips! Moving on to step two of Kris' Survival Guide to Outsmarting the Kids, hide everything. We have toilet paper, paper towels and pod tides (not for you think) hidden in spots all over our room.
You might be asking, "why hide toilet paper?" Well if your kids are anything like ours, they like to take all the toilet paper to their respective bathrooms and then mistakenly "forget" to tell you there's no more toilet paper left. This especially happens, when you're on the toilet. Ah kids, gotta hate em, I mean love them. Now, you're probably asking why hide paper towels. Kids think paper towels are napkins and they use them to blow their noses, to dry their hands, clean their mouths, all things not intended for paper towels. It says during the commercials that paper towels clean up spills! Not to mention that instead of the kids going the extra mile and actually throwing the paper towels away in the garbage can, they leave them waded up in a disgusting ball of filth on the counter next to the kitchen sink. I'm trying to contemplate why they do this. I mean it's not like we can re-use your waded filthy paper towel and rehang in on a cardboard roll.
Again, you might be wondering why are we hiding tide-pods in our bedroom. Well for the simple fact that everyone does laundry excessively in this house, we need to hide them. Stay with here, if there are no tide pods they don't do laundry. Just the other day, I was getting ready to do laundry and the last time I checked there were 4 tide pods left. I go down to find one left. Now keep in mind I asked if anyone had laundry in the washer and dryer because EVERYONE in this house knows I do laundry on Sundays. Everyone answers no. I go down and there is a hoodie in the washer. ONE hoodie, not a load of clothes, not more than one hoodie a single fucking hoodie. I come to find out that Mike decided that washing one hoodie with one tide pod was acceptable. I'm sorry you didn't think that maybe holding off and washing multiple hoodies or clothes with a tide pod was better than wasting a tide pod on ONE hoodie??
Then we have our teenage daughter who lets clothes pile up for a month and decides, only after having absolutely nothing left to wear that NOW would be a good time to do laundry. So she uses 3, because there's a month worth of clothes to wash. I swear I'm about to break out the old fashion way of washing clothes. Hey kids, go out on hike, find a river, a nice big rock, wet your clothes and beat them over the rock, take a bar of soap with ya! Kids nowadays have it made! To recap, I have given you all two very important survival skills to outsmart your kids. I can't give them all away to you right now, because then you won't read my book when it comes out, so start with those two and let me know how it goes. Remember parents:
I made a career change recently, which has been amazing to say the least. When my company was on-boarding me, I had to go for my first ever drug test. At first I was like this is fun! Not because I was afraid of the results but because I've never had to take a drug test. What can I say, new things interest me. So I show up at the lab and they call me in immediately. By the way, when you go for a drug test, its a priority so you don't have wait, skip right to the head of the line. I was greeted by the tech, "Kristen insert last name here" (i'm not telling you all my last name, we aren't tight like that yet), so I smiled and said "good morning!" She looked down at the script and then looked at me and her whole demeanor changed. She looked at me like I was a criminal, even worse like a drug addict. She rudely said "follow me down to room 15". Easy there tonto, it's like I can take a detour of the lab, there's only one friggen hallway. After she did what she had to do with the script she says, "lets go to the bathroom now". I'm sorry, excuse me? "Lets go", I'm not peeing in a cup with you watching. She walks into the bathroom, lifts up the lid, throws some tablet into the water, that turned it blue, grabbed the hand soap and removed the garbage can. At this point, I'm standing in the bathroom like:
I was so confused as to why she removed the garbage can and took the hand soap. Anyway, she hands me the cup, she tells me, "pee in the cup, the remainder can go in the toilet, after you wipe don't throw the toilet paper in the toilet and don't wash your hands until I come back in. When you're done knock on the door!" I'm sorry but what the fuck is going on here. First, where else would I put the "remainder" of my urine go...on the floor?! Secondly, you expect me to hold used toilet paper??
Like I'm sorry, I wasn't raised in a barn. Any who, I peed in a cup, which for females, its a struggle. I knocked on the door, while holding used toilet paper waiting for Officer Lab Tech to give me the go ahead to throw it out. She examines the toilet water, then examines my urine and goes, "hmmm"? Hmmmm what bitch, it's yellow like urine is suppose to be! Then she hands me the soap and says "wash your hands." As if I wasn't going to do that, but thanks for looking out! As if things couldn't get any creepier, she stood there glaring at me as I washed me hands. Like was I not washing my hands for the appropriate amount of time? After I washed my hands back to room 15 we went where I had to sign off on my pee. Just so you all know the drug test came back negative. In case you all were concerned based on past blogs.
Summer is here....yay for everyone that doesn't have to work. Our youngest child, Anthony had his "Moving Up Ceremony" last week. Moving up ceremonies are so much fun, not for parents but for the kids. Ya know the kids really feel like they accomplished something. They put in five long, hard years of elementary school. My lord all the coloring, arts and crafts, songs they had sing and fun the had in class, must have been really tough on them. I'm joking, not really, but in all seriousness, we were proud of Anthony. Anthony has an IEP and has had one since 3rd grade so for him to stand on the stage and receive his "Moving Up" Certificate at grade level, really made us proud. Until, as I was recording him walking out of his ceremony, he yells "Mom, do you believe this, 180 days and all i get is a handshake and a piece of paper!!" Me:
I mean what do you say to that? Kid kinda had a valid point! Let's do better elementary schools, give them a friggen tassle and hat to at least throw up in the air, not cupcakes and cookies so they come home fucking crazy and sugared up. What happened to healthy snack options? That just went right out the window now that you all are done with them huh? I see how it is!
Well there you have it, you're all officially caught up now!!
OOOOOH, good news, the Gady Moms are back on the mic, so don't forget to go check out the Gaydy Moms latest podcast here
Until next time.. which will be in two weeks in case you all were wondering!