Well now that I have addressed the children in the house, I suppose I should address the Queen of the Castle, the Hostess with the Mostest, the Boss Lady, the Ruler of the Iron Fist.. no I'm not talking about myself (sadly), I am talking about my wife! Now a lot of what I am about to tell you, if you have a wife, I can almost guarantee whether your straight or gay you will agree with me 100%. However, that agreement will be silent because if your wives found out that you agreed you'd be sleeping in the dog house.
We'll break this down into topics. First up... texting. Now we all know that if we get an "ok" or a "k" we're in deep shit. We also know that if we get a "fine", things are not fine. If you get "You're an idiot, I hate you", you should just stay at work for the night! Forget about if you respond back with "ok" and you forget the word "baby" or "babe" after the word ok, it's like the world has come crashing down around her. I get up for work at 5:30am and I usually text my wife before I leave the house with "I love you beautiful". Now, on the rare occasion that I get distracted and forget to text before leaving the house, but remember while I'm driving, the words "fuck, shit, stupid asshole" come out of my mouth and fear immediately sets in. I can only imagine the text I'm going to get back when I text her late. It usually starts with "mmmmhmmm" and then radio silence, followed by some gif that looks like this:
Now lets all keep in mind that if you text your wives and they don’t respond right away, like they expect YOU to, you can’t get mad. Oooooooh no buck-o you have no grounds for being concerned or upset. She was busy, she was watching a movie, she was on the phone…You see the double standard here!? No, let me make it clearer, she’s always right and you are always wrong, so just sit there in your wrongness and just be wrong, then tell her she looks pretty!
Let’s move on to the second topic… let’s talk about romance. Now, my wife is a hopeless romantic and truly believes that every couple needs romance in their relationship. Now we try to have a “date night” once a week. This is where we go out and just spend time together without all the chaos. The conversation of date night usually starts with her asking, “what do you want to do?” My response is always the same, “I don’t care, what do you want to do?” Now here’s a bit of advice for the newly married, don’t ever say what I just said because that will prompt a 45 minute conversation about how she always has to come up with the ideas and why can’t you be romantic and surprise me plans, do you not love her anymore, are you not in love with her anymore, you should want to be romantic with her. Meanwhile, In my head I’m thinking we have 5 kids, 2 dogs, 7 cats and I work a 50 hour week, the only plans I’m coming up with look like this:
The third topic is a doozy. Lets talk about wives and shopping! Now I did at one point in my life possess a debit card. My wife now possess said debit card and gives me an allowance for gas every week. Now, I will admit that my wife handles the bills because if I had to handle the bills I would have a large bonfire in the back yard every month. I shouldn’t complain because on the weekends, I get to be an adult and carry the debit card. That being said I still cringe when I get text messages that she’s out a PetSmart or some other store! For example, today I leave work and I call her and she tells me that she picked up the nicest sweaters. I’m thinking, “that’s so sweet, she went out and bought me sweaters for work now that the weather is getting colder”. Then she said “wait until you see Teddy and Gia in their doggy sweaters!!!” Of course, silly fucking me, what was I thinking.. Gia and Teddy clearly needed new sweaters because the bin full of clothes isn’t enough. My thoughts to Gia and Teddy:
As if the sweaters weren’t bad enough, I come home to find this laid out on our bed:
Isn’t that fucking special? “Everything’s better with dog kisses”!! No everything is not better with dog kisses, they lick them selves, how can that make everything better? You know what makes everything better? Work sweaters on the bed for me!
Fourth Topic. Television shows. You are not allowed to watch any sports whatsoever. Sports are bad. Unless it’s the Women’s National Soccer Team, that’s ok, other than that all other sports are forbidden. Reality shows are good. Better get use to the Kardashians, Mob Wives, sappy romantic movies and sappy tv shows. Do NOT let your wife catch your ass drifting off to never never land with Mr. Sandman or this will happen:
Fifth and final topic. Parenting! This is a good one. Now my wife is a very patient, loving mom but believes in respect and discipline. I on the other hand chose to live in my own little world and ignore the children. I like my world, there’s tropical drinks and palm trees and white sand and crystal blue water with Bob Marley playing in the background. The majority of the time when our 9 year old asks me something my immediate response is “yes”. Now this child could have asked me if we could take a trip to the moon on his skateboard and I’d be sitting there saying “sure, no problem bud”. One particular time he asked me if he could punch himself in the head and I said, “go for it”, that’s when the wife jumped in and handled the situation. Here’s my responses to the children now: “What did mom say? Did you ask mom? Mom is right. Do what mom says.” It’s easier that way because then I get to stay here: