Fall & A Possessed Phone

Leaves are falling, the nights are getting chilly, every where you go there's something with fucking Pumpkin Spice in it.. ahhh, Fall is in the air! With fall finally arriving, so do those little multi-legged creatures that have absolutely NO manners and think they can just creepy crawl into anyone's house like they own it, being all like:

Now, by now it's not a secret that our girls, my wife and myself hate hate bugs of all types. I don't care if you're a cute little lady bug and you bring good luck; if you fly by my head and land on me we're going to have a problem. That being said, now that it's getting colder outside at night the girls are finding more creepy little creatures trying to get warm in their rooms. Which means, screaming like someone is getting murdered has now commenced! With the screaming, they manage to utter shrills of "Mommmmmmmmmy, hurry there's a bug, kill it", follows! Which leaves me sitting on the couch like:

You like that transition into the recent adventure of the Gaydy Bunch huh?? All of the above leads me to last Tuesday night when my wife and I were relaxing on the couch and I had an itch on the side of my armpit but towards the back. You know the spot that you can't reach? So I said, "baby scratch my armpit?" All of a sudden she smacked me! Which totally caught me off guard so naturally I was like:

She was all like:

So I looked at her and was like.. "Babe what the hell?" In the midst of her hysterical laughter she's like you said it itched? Oh so smack my arm, that should help! 

All of sudden we heard the girls scream, followed by several bangs, then more screams! At this point Tammy is like "oh my god what's going on up there?" Meanwhile I'm setting up the video camera on my phone because I just KNOW there's going to be some good footage! Of course I go upstairs (while I'm video taping) and our two girls are taking turns screaming at each other. Now they're not screaming AT each other, they were more or less just taking turns at screaming! I asked what the hell was going on and Alessandra hands me a bag and screams for me take it out because apparently there was a stinkbug inside of it. While she's holding the bag, I'm all like:

So after I disposed of the stink bug, I sit back on the couch and continue relaxing and then it happened!!! My wife starts screaming from the kitchen that there's a HUGE bug in the kitchen and for me to come kill it! What the fuck? Was I wearing a friggen exterminator outfit that was only visible to my wife and daughters? At this point I'm now like:

Up again and into the kitchen this time, BUT not before I turn on the video camera! She shows me the "HUGE" bug and it was legit the size of my thumbnail. I looked at my wife like:

Looked at the bug and said, "this is the 'HUGE' bug you're screaming about? With that, she looked at me like:

Then responded, "yes, kill it please?" Yes honey as you wish!

After that fiasco I went to bed! The next day on my way to work, I called my wife, like I normally do. At first I was like damn, that's one sexy morning voice and then I was like HOLD UP! I swear it sounded like Satan answered the phone and was like can I take a message for her! I said, "Babe?" Then heard a demonic voice and I was like, "okay hunny you sound like a demon I'm gonna go. Love you bye!" I'm driving to work like:

Not today Satan... NOT-TO-DAY! So my wife calls me and I admit I was bit hesitant as to whether or not to answer the phone. So I answer the phone and I'm all like, "ahhhh hello?" My wife comes back with, "sorry I missed your call?" Missed my what? Wait.. I called, Satan answered and you're telling me you didn't answer your phone?

So I tell her that I called her and the phone answered and I heard a voice that sounded creepy and she's all like "Babe, I didn't answer my phone!" Then she proceeds to tell me that her phone has been acting weird and going into apps by itself and dialing numbers by itself and how she thinks her phone is possessed! I'm like Oh hellllllllll no, we are taking that shit right back to AT&T. MmmMmm Mama Kris ain't playing!

Could you all imagine me walking into AT&T with her phone?! A rep walks up to me and says, "Welcome to AT&T how can we help you today?" and I'm like "yes, Satan is setting up camp in this phone he's your problem now, we'll take the 7plus thanks!" Listen AT&T I don't care what you have to do, burn the shit, douse it with holy water, light candles, pray over it but it is not coming back here! Hell no.. no pun intended!

Listen if Apple is gonna keep making phones can we keep the devil out of them? I mean I know you all got some kind of competition going with Android but the Devil.. come on bro... you better than that! Put some Jesus into your phone or something! When I call my wife and Jesus answers and is all like:

You KNOW it's gonna be a good day!