eyeglass kit & gorilla glue
Well I suffered my first casualty of 2017 when the other day the screw to my glasses decided to just fall out. No warning, no “hey, I’m loose you might want to tighten me up”, it just fell out! The first thing I did was immediately snapchat my wife a picture of myself wearing my glasses with one arm. Why you ask? Well because I’m mentally 12 and found it funny that I was trying to wear glasses with one arm. Oh stop it! You know ya’ll would be holding up your phones sending selfies. After I sent the picture to my wife, friend and kids, I figured I should try and fix my glasses, because wearing glasses with one arm isn’t exactly professional and without them everything is blurry.
Now this is where I have a problem with glasses. Why, for the love of baby Jesus would they make the screws so damn small. Don’t they realize that the people wearing these things can’t friggen see? I personally would like to know what the thought process was behind this. Were they are all hanging out in the eye lab and one of the eye glass makers said, “hey let’s really screw with people, lets make the screws so small that they can’t hold them, see them or find them if they fall out?” Seriously really just throw a kick right to the gut of a visually impaired person by making the screws so damn small. I digress.. In any event I spent an hour trying to fix my glasses, finally gave up and spent the rest of my work day wearing glasses with one arm.
This is where it gets interesting. When I get home, my wife tells me to let her fix them because she has “smaller hands and fingers” than I do. First of all, thank you hunny for telling me I have fat hands and fingers. Secondly, her eyes are worse than mine. So here we are at the kitchen table, the blind leading the blind with tweezers and mini screw driver squinting trying to put the glasses back together. After 45 minutes of performing surgery on my glasses and the screw spent more time on the table then it did anywhere near my glasses I gave up.
So Tammy and I are sitting at the table trying to come up with a plan on how to get the tiny screw into the tiny hole when our son Mike walks in and tells us both to let him do it. He tells us that he can do it because he’s “younger and has perfect vision”. At that point I’m like:
I looked at my wife and said, “did he just call us old?” Wow, he really went there. He must of lost his damn mind forgetting who feeds his young ass! Anyway, my wife yet again brings up how she has the smaller fingers and hands out of everyone…okay “Miss All About Me and My Small Hands and Fingers”!!! Tammy decides to offer her assistance despite Mike wanting it. After about another hour the screw goes missing. You wanna know why the screw went missing? Because none of us in this house are fucking eye glass repairers! So now here we are, the three of like like:
Carlton comes in and offers to run to the store to pick up an eyeglass kit. He tells us that he does it all the time with his glasses, finally a professional! Right before Carlton and Mike leave for the store, the second casualty of 2017 occurs when Alessandra breaks a nail. I tell them to pick up nail glue for Alessandra’s nail along with the kit. I’m stressing out about how I’m going to see tomorrow but that’s apparently nothing compared to a broken nail on a 13 year old because this is what happens:
So the boys come home with the eye glass kit, candy for the girls and gorilla glue. Yes, you all heard right… they came home with gorilla glue for Alessandra’s nail. We aren’t trying to get Alessandra to hang from the ceiling by her nail, so what possessed them to buy gorilla glue instead of nail glue had me a little like:
Somehow they managed to get the girls candy right and Carlton’s ice cream but Crazy glue boys… CRA-ZY GLUE… nothing in that name sounds like Gorilla Glue! There was a family gathering in our bedroom to fix my glasses. Mike is sitting at our desk, the girls are on our bed eating candy and trying to repair a nail with glue strong enough to hang a steel beam, Carlton is kneeling on the floor fixing the glasses, the dogs are fighting with each other and Tammy is picking out all the green sour patch straws from the girls candy. I’m glad my glasses breaking turned this nigh into a party! Mr. “I do it all the time with my glasses” sucked at fixing glasses and couldn’t do as he stood next to me eating his ice cream! At that point, I was like everyone………..
Getting to and from work in without my glasses was fun. It was like an adventure… something kind of like this:
Have no fear, I made it to the eye doctor and got my glasses fixed. Now I will admit when we were finally reunited, there was some tears, hugging and appreciation going on! I put those babies on and all of sudden I could see! The next morning when I got to work I was feeling like a brand new person, even walked in to work like: