Happy Sunday everyone! First, I (along with the Bunch) want to send prayers out to all those affected by Mother Nature being a complete and total bitch these past few weeks! Mother Nature out there like:
But we don't have a problem with Global Warming:
Alright let's shed some light on the current events by talking about the adventures of my family. So my wife and daughter Bianca went to get their nails done at this new salon. My wife sent me a text telling me that she thought the manicurists were talking about her and Bianca in Korean. Naturally my response back was "why do you think that?" My wife comes back with, "we walked in, they asked us to pick a color and then three of them looked at us and then started talking in Korean and laughing". Ummmm:
How do you even respond to something like that? I mean it could be possible they didn't like the color they picked out. Could be possible that they were in the middle of a joke before they walked in; or they were in fact talking about them. Either way, neither of them are fluent in Korean so let that shit go! In any event, my response was a typical response of "lol". Always go with the "lol" that way you don't get in trouble with what you say. After my "lol" text back, I received 10 more text messages about how the pedicure chairs look like they're the original chairs from the 1950s, the guy working on Bianca's toes is going in on an ingrown toe nail, they just wrapped her feet and legs in a warm towel after having oil massaged in and how they like this place now and how I should go next time for a pedicure! Me:
Let me just enter that in my calendar as, never going to happen! If you're not my wife or my dogs, you don't get to touch and play with my feet. I don't know you like that!
Moving on....So my wife made an eye doctors exam for us last weekend because she said her eyes were getting bad and said my vision completely sucked! Wow, thanks so much hunny! Now here I am on a Saturday morning without a full pot of coffee at an eye doctor. I don't necessarily hate doctors, I just don't like going to them because they always have something to say. So we get there and start filling out paperwork, which was fun, because neither of us could really see what we were writing. Question.. why do eye doctors' forms ask for your allergies? I mean do you plan on giving me injections of codeine into my eyeballs? Do you have bees flying around your office? What's the point? So at that point, I was just like "see attached list"!
Since I completed the form first I got to go in first. So I had to look into this machine and see a little red house, which by the way, I didn't see. Then I had to switch over to this machine that blows air into your eyes, which makes you do this:
After that fun filled room, I got to go into another room where he made me read the alphabet and at that point I was just guessing because I couldn't see shit. So after the exam the doctor asks me what my driver's license says, so I said "5'6", but I'm actually 5'2" but they don't measure you sooooo!" He looked at me and said, "no, does your license state that you have to wear glasses?" I said, "nope because I didn't check that box". This dude came back with "well now you have to check that box". Pssssh, wait, what? Then he comes at me like, "if you were to take your driver's test right now, you would fail based on your vision!" Me:
Whatchu talking about, I'm an excellent driver!
So in a nutshell because I didn't follow my last eye doctor's orders my astigmatisms got really bad and now I'm in glasses 24-7 unless I'm showering or sleeping. Now I am a sunglass freak. I love sunglasses and I was not about to spend money on two pairs of glasses so I got the magnetic clip on UV sunglass lens.. yes I brought back the 70's. I thought who I was when I first got my glasses, acting all like:
This past Thursday I was coming home from work and my wife called me to tell me that she and Bianca just left the store and apparently they went on a Summer's Eve shopping spree. Apparently Summer's Eve is more than just your original douche. They've expanded their product to all different kinds of scented wipes and even a spray. Now I can understand the wipes, but a spray? What the hell!?! So my daughter tells me that the spray said to hold the can approximately 12 inches away from you hoohoo. Now, I'm trying to picture this. I mean do you spray and then pelvis thrust into the mist, and why are there even products like this! I'm all for hygiene and smelling good, but who's walking around sniffing hoohoo's! My wife is like "honey you can use it too!" This image immediately popped into my head:
I see you Summer's Eve!
The other night my wife and I were sitting in the living room with Bianca and Carlton and Bianca said that she gets these little bumps on her scalp. So my wife told her it was probably from the products she uses in her hair. Then she said, "oh my god, what if it's cancer?" Here I am on the couch like:
So here we are trying to calm her down and Carlton turns around all calm and said, "well you did drop the blow dryer on the floor and then used it before cleaning it"? I'm sorry...... but......what the fuck? I looked at my wife, then looked at Bianca and then at Carlton like:
What in the hell is this boy talking about? So everyone, listen, if you have a small bump on your scalp, it's because you dropped your blow dryer on the floor and used it without cleaning it. How the hell you going to clean a blow dryer? I'm still thinking about that comment! I'm trying to figure out where my man was going with that. I mean I'm happy he was trying to make my daughter feel better, but no. Just tell her you don't feel any bumps and keep it moving!
So after a few minutes of trying to recover from the blow dryer comment, we started talking about going to a dermatologist. I have a mole on my lip that people like to refer to as a "beauty mark", I like to refer to it as "an annoying fucking mole". In any event, I said that I wanted to have it removed. My wife and kids are like, "no, it's your signature, its you!" Carlton busts out with, "does your mole taste different than your other skin?" I know.. I know.. you all are probably reading this and staring at your screen doing this:
Lord knows I was sitting there like:
Lord baby Jesus I had nothing! I couldn't think, I couldn't respond, I just sat there trying to understand what the hell just came out of his damn mouth! How does my mole taste? Whatchu think, I sit around and lick my mole then lick my hand and compare the taste? Boyyyyyyy shut up! From where I was sitting, you down two with ya girl! I'm looking at my daughter and she's sitting next to him like:
So as our weekend draws to end, we all ventured out to Peddler's Village to walk around and enjoy the beautiful fall weather. Unfortunately for me we all went in one car.....MY car. So as soon as we get in the car, before I even have the gear shift in reverse, Mike is like "are we getting food for the drive?" What drive, its 45 minutes!? Of course we had to stop so he could have a snack for a 45 minute drive. As I'm driving, I put on my Spotify and within 5 minutes I got Alessandra from the back going, "mommy can I put my music on?" What the hell is wrong with my music? Apparently my music isn't "lit" enough for a 14 year old! So here I am driving while I have Mike and Alessandra seeing who can yell at each other the loudest and at the same time getting "lit" and making my car shake from them dancing in the backseat. Meanwhile Bianca is hysterical laughing and I'm like:
So on the way home, I tortured them with my "lesbian music playlist"!