I would say Happy [insert day here] but to be honest, I have no idea what day it is. I feel like February was literally like 3 days long! First on the Kris Bitch Fest List, is something very important I want to address, that I think we can all relate to. I think we need a new fucking Groundhog for Groundhog's Day. Punxsutawney Phil is overrated and washed up! I call for a new Groundhog, or new rules! If it's sunny don't bring the mother fucker out. I'm sick of winter and people placing the fate of our winter's length in the hands of a bucked-tooth beaver! Come on people work with me here!
Okay, now that I got that out of the way, lets move on. Mama Tammy is still on bed rest due to the back injury which means I'm still attempting to hold down the fort. Sometimes successfully and other times unsuccessfully. Shit happens and I've just learned to roll with the punches.
So by now you all know that our oldest daughter is officially engaged. This means that the wedding planning has officially begun. Last weekend we went to look at places to throw the engagement party. I of course had the distinct pleasure of doing this with the girls. We had three places scheduled to visit. The first place we visited was really pretty, marble everything, chandelier's everywhere. We sat down and they brought in a plate of antipasto and then the owner walked in and asked if we wanted anything to drink. It the midst of him rambling off drinks, he said scotch and I looked up like:
Oh relax, I didn't have one. So the event coordinator took us around and showed us our options for rooms and then went over the menu with us. That's when she said, "it will be a $2,000 deposit and the balance due a week before the event!" At this point the above face went from that to this:
Then to this:
Ah excuse me sir, I'll take that scotch now! $2,000 what the actual fuck.. this is an engagement party not a friggen wedding! So of course I had the whole "let them down easy but make them think you're going to book with them" speech all prepared. Needless to say off to the second place. Now this second place is a country club. You would think, nice, classy, perfect for an engagement party, right? Yea no! As Bianca described it, it reminded us all of the entrance room of the Haunted Mansion in Disney. There were pictures on the walls of dead people in like century old clothing, inside a sitting room with a fire place, which is where we were told to have a "sit by the fire". Who says that? I get this is a country club and all, but this isn't the movie Caddyshack and I would prefer to sit next to the fire not have a sit by the fire.
It took the walk from the fireplace to the first room option for me to turn around and see Alessandra and Bee doing this:
With that cue you thought I would have been like alright let's go. Nope, if I had to do this task we are taking the walk through! I'm not going to lie, it was a little creepy in there. Really quiet and random old people just sitting at tables staring out the window eating their meals. I had to ask the women what the name of the place was again, because for a minute I thought we were in a nursing home. I'm mean this looked like a place that the Golden Girls would have a reunion party! So the event planner took us down to the last room option, which was a pretty long walk to a creepy ass elevator that was ice cold. We walk in the room and in the middle of the room there are two people sitting at a table eating! At this point I'm like:
In addition to the random strangers enjoying a meal together in a banquet hall that can fit up to 300 people, there was a speaker podium and a giant flag on a flag pole! Nope uh-uh no, girls be nice grab the paperwork and I'll pull the car up! We pulled out like
Third times' a charm! We pull up to the third place and I start hearing "ooooh this is nice!" Now I'm going to totally take credit for this because well, I can! I picked this place and it was exactly what Bee was looking for so to make a long story short the hall for the engagement party is locked in. It's legit TheKnot.Com up in this house at the moment. Dress talking, venue talking, florist talking, favor talking, invitation talking, all while I'm sitting quietly sipping on coffee thinking:
Ain't nobody told me that daughters are expensive! Daughter's need to come with a warning label! Something small like, "Warning you will need 7 jobs to afford raising a daughter". Simple and to the point ya know? I've started the part-time job applications recently.
Funny thing happened since we last spoke. We have two small breed dogs, so we house trained them with those wee wee pads. Everything was going smooth. Until our male dog Teddy decided that after turning two he was a big boy and now wants to be walked on a fucking leash to take a piss. I'm not okay with this for several reasons. One because now I have to take him out. Two, he lifts his leg on anything he sees.... bushes, trees, telephone poles, car tires even if he doesn't have to do his business. I've had the conversation with him that not everything he sees needs to be claimed by him. He doesn't listen. Three, he hasn't quite mastered the leash walking and proceeds to choke himself during our walks; and four it's friggen annoying! So naturally the first walk we took, he was so excited that this is how he walked:
Then of course everyone that's walking has to stop and tell me how cute he is and what kind of breed he is. This is seriously taking too long, so my response is "thank you, he's a pain in the ass breed"!
My task of holding down the fort while Mama Tammy is awaiting the next procedure has been more challenging this time around. Mostly because Anthony is a little older and little more debatable at this age. He definitely knows this is not my cup of tea and plays on that. Why do ten year olds play that "lets see how far I can tip toe on the line before mom snaps and I lose my iPod for a week" game. My wife will beg to differ with me on this and tell me that it's an ineffective way to parent. However I believe that if he wants to wear shorts and it's 38 degrees outside and I've already told him it's cold and he CHOSES to wear them, then he'll learn his lesson.
If he doesn't then he'll continue to freeze his little ass off until he realizes that I will always be right!
So another funny story since we last spoke! Since the wife is out of commission I have also assumed the role of cooking dinner. After the last dinner I cooked, I have been banned by my wife from making chicken stew ever again! To my defense, it was NOT my fault. So here I am, browning the chicken in oil and I added some salt and fresh garlic, stirred it a little, grabbed the black pepper and went to shake it in when the friggen cap flew off and about a quarter of a cup of black pepper dumped into the pot! At this point I'm standing over the pot like:
Trying not to let the family know what just happened, I start talking about how good the chicken is looking, while I start trying to scoop the black pepper out. I even went as far as trying to rinse it off. I thought I had gotten most of it if not all of the pepper off so I added everything else and let it cook! I served up the stew and my wife wanted hot sauce. I said "nooooooooo, don't ruin my stew with that nonsense!" She didn't listen. After every one took a bite, they were all sitting there like:
Oooops! I mean hey they were nice about it. They kept telling me how good it was in between chugging bottles of water.
Alright my gayety's I'm off to cook dinner for the family... don't worry its pasta and sauce and being that I'm a Sicilian I got this down! Until next time.....