Hellllloooooo out there! Okay, I admit I've been sucking at keeping you all in the loop with the latest of the Gaydy adventures. I won't give you any excuses, I'm sorry and all I have to say is:
Okay... now that the apologies and the self pity is out of the way, let's see what I have that may tickle your fancies. Well, I guess I should start out by discussing that our 14 year old NOW has a boyfriend. Now, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this considering I very clearly instructed her that she was not to start dating until she was 30! Apparently this relationship began during one of my sun filled bourbon naps while in Florida. I wake up to learn that she met a boy and they hit it off and he only lives an hour away from us. I'm pretty sure you can imagine my reaction when I woke up to learn of this news. No? Okay, let me show you:
In any event, last weekend we went up to our friend's house for an "end of the summer" party and the girls brought their boyfriends up with them. Which meant that I had to drive to pick him up and then head up to the Poconos. Now of course Gia had to come with us, because as the wife puts it "she doesn't get out much." Ummm, she's a dog... where the fuck is she going to go? We'll get back to that debate in a minute. So here we are, Tammy, Alessandra, her boyfriend and myself all driving up to the Poconos. So you know my ass was like this the whole time driving up, looking in the rear mirror like:
Gotta let him know I'm watching him. I even put the cup holder divider down before he got in the car! We also tortured him with our style of music. Bianca and Carlton had Teddy in their car and we had Gia in our car. Now, I'm not sure if I ever discussed the fact that Teddy gets car sick. Which is a damn shame. Here he is 25lb dog that barks viciously like Cujo at anyone or anything that goes by our house and this damn dog can't make it 10 minutes in a car without getting sick! Don't think for a second that I thought about calling the place we got him to tell them they gave me a defective dog! Dogs aren't supposed to get car sick! Dogs are supposed to like car rides. Every dog I see in a car is sticking their heads out of a window with their tongues blowing in the wind, without a damn care in the world. Not teddy! He's all in the back of the car like:
Yes people, I know that's a GIF of a cat, but you try to search thousands of GIFs for the perfect sarcastic effect. If I kept searching we wouldn't get anywhere, so lets just keep it moving and pretend that's a friggen dog, mmmkay?
Now where was I, before I was interrupted but the readers thinking, "umm, that's not a dog?" Ah yes, the drive up to the Poconos. So we got repeated text messages that Teddy was throwing up in Carlton's car. Which by the way, was not our fault. We told Carlton that he would get sick but he still wanted to bring him. So after the fifth text, Tammy and I were like:
So we finally get up to our friends house and we head to the lake to hang on the boat and relax. What does my dumb as do? I challenge a bunch of 15 year olds to a game of basketball. Now here's a little fun fact about Kris. Kris played basketball from 7th grade all the way up to college. Kris also received a scholarship to play basketball until Kris blew her knee out. Yes I am fully aware of the fact that I am talking in the third person. I had absolutely NO business being on a basketball court at 38 years old with a bunch of 15 year olds, but ego and pride kicked in and I had to show the boys that Mama can play. Needless to say at the end of the two games I was off on the sidelines like:
Meanwhile my wife and daughters are standing there like:
In the midst of my asthma attack, I have both of my daughters like, "oh look at my bae playing". As if that's not bad enough, my wife is standing there going, "aww they're so cute and I'm like, "hellllllllo can we help mama get some air in her lungs before she has a heart attack please?" They look at me and they were all like, "are you okay?" Yea, I'm good don't worry about me, my lungs will eventually refill with air and the color will return to my face.... carry on. Needless to say everything, including my hair hurt the next morning
So the next morning after I threw myself out of bed and slithered down the steps on my ass, I decided to join everyone on the back porch for coffee. The kids went for a walk to the lake and the adults were sitting at the table having coffee. Then it happened! Bees! They all decided to come out and fuck with me knowing that I'm allergic to them. So now here I am dodging bees while trying to drink my coffee like:
So after a few cups of coffee, we headed back home. This time, ten minutes into the drive we got a text from Bianca and Carlton telling us to pull over because Teddy apparently wanted to start out right off the bat. Once we lined every inch of Carlton's car with wee wee pads we were back on the road again. Now getting Alessandra's boyfriend back home wasn't hard at all. It was coming home that became the problem. I decided to take "no tolls" home. Now everything was going fine, I turned the GPS off because I made the comment "I know where I am, it's all good". Yeaaaaaaaa, sooooo I was in the wrong lane and missed the split I was supposed to take. Which took an hour and a half trip and turned it into a two and a half hour trip. After passing the airport three times, I was like:
Finally we made it home after a few laps around the airport.
We'll be back next weekend with some more fun filled adventures!