Happy Monday.. woo fucking hoo!
I suppose I'll just jump right in and get started! First let me start by saying that if Mother Nature doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna need her address so I can send my gas bill to her for payment! It's like the bitch is straight up menopausal with hot flashes and all. One day its hot as hell like summer just arrived and then the next day it's raining and cold! Come on sis..... hellurrrrr....
One day last week I was coming back from picking up the girls from the gym and my PokemonGo app led me right to this park. Now the intention was to find a new pokemon but instead we found this really cool dog park. It's called the "Bark Park"... not the most original name but whatcha gonna do? So when we got home the girls told Tammy about the dog park and that ended up into my taking the pups to the park.
Now I'm going to be honest here and say that I've never stepped foot inside a dog park nor do I know proper dog park etiquette. I get that it's all about socializing your dogs and shit but do they really give a shit about making dog friends that they're probably never going to see again? I'll come back to that in a minute because I want to get to why I dreaded taking the dogs to the park in the first place. First, we have Teddy who literally barks at everything and anything that walks by our house. He will charge the glass door and plummet himself into it and then run into the kitchen barking. I'm not sure what the hell he thinks he's accomplishing by doing this but when it happens we can't help but look like this:
Based on the above background you can see my hesitance in bringing Teddy to a dog park....with other dogs. Then we have Gia who literally thinks the sun rises and sets on her little ass with her rose gold collar walking around like who the fuck she is. Seriously this dog has major attitude. She sleeps till noon and then gets up and expects a full day of belly rubs like:
You see the dilemma I was in with taking these two to a dog park? So we get to the park and Teddy immediately takes off like a lunatic running around and pissing on every inch of the park, meanwhile Gia is trotting around probably thinking to herself "fucking humans, I don't do grass and what is this leaves and dirt?" Now I know it may seem like we don't take the pups out much but that's not true. Teddy gets walked on a leash while I carry Gia in my arms. Take a moment and picture that.. then process it. Moving on.. So while teddy is lifting his leg on every thing in the park even though nothing is coming out, Gia sat in a corner snarling at some male dog trying to sniff her butt. Then a yorkie (which is what Gia is) came in and everyone at the park was like "Giovanni is here!" On a side note, apparently this is a thing in dog parks. Every one knows each other and their dogs. I'm lucky if i don't call the dogs the kids names and call the kids by the dogs and cats names!
Back to the grand entrance of Giovanni. So he comes swaggin into the park and Gia immediately ran up to him and started sniffing his face. I mean you can tell that Gio was the cool dog in the park. Meanwhile teddy is still lifting his leg and air pissing at this point, not too impressed with Gio. Gia on the other hand was all up in Gio's business with her boujee self! You know Gia was all like back off bitches he's mine!
Oh, yea so proper etiquette in the dog park. So it's one of those weird things where the people just stand around and go, "which ones yours?" You point out your dog, talk about how old he/she is, what type of breed and then there's an awkward silence and you both just walk away from each other.
I think it was last Sunday, Tammy and I were having coffee and Bianca came down and told us that she had been up since 4 in the morning because she heard this weird noise. She described the noise as being a humming sound combined with a helicopter hovering over the house. She said she kept looking out the window and didn't see anything so she spent hours googling what the sound was.
At this point she said that she even tried googling the date to see if anyone else heard what she heard. She was legitimately concerned that she was the only one who heard this because one google hit came back that hearing this sound meant that something was mentally wrong with you. Tammy is trying to reassure Bianca that nothing was wrong with her and that it was probably an airplane that she couldn't see. Meanwhile I'm sitting on the other end of the couch like:
I mean I hear shit all the time in my head so I was a little worried about that google hit about being insane if you're the only one hearing sounds. Speaking of insane..... the other day my wife and I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to get ice coffee and the young lady handed me my frozen coffee with whip cream (because that's how you're supposed to drink frozen coffee) and hand me Tammy's coffee and then just stands there like this:
Ummmmmmmm...... can I have a straw please? I literally had to ask this question out loud, not in my head. Like what did she expect me to do? Stick my tongue through the whole and slurp up my coffee like a fucking animal?!
Must have been her first day on the job.. apparently her last because I haven't seen her since that day. Maybe someone cut their tongue on the inside ridge of the hole slurping their fucking ice coffee because she doesn't think one requires a straw!
Between the dog park, Bianca hearing a sound that no one else heard, and the straw saga, I had already had my fill of crazy for the week... or at least I thought I had! Tammy and I were driving Anthony from a doctor's appointment when he came out of no where with "I know why people have eyebrows!" At this point I'm thinking in my head, "now this is going to be some fucking shit right here!" I look at Tammy and Tammy looks at me and then she says, "oh yea? Let me hear your theory." Anthony starts talking and says "before people could speak the only way they could communicate was by the expressions they made with their eyebrows, so that's why God gave people eyebrows!"
Hot damn! You all should be able to determine what my facial expressions are when one of my kids comes out of left field with some crazy ass shit. If you haven't nailed it down by now, let me show you:
I looked at Tammy and said, "this is all you!", because honestly my answer was going to be, "nah bruh, where the hell did you come up with that shit?!" See why I handed it over to Tammy?! So Tammy starts explaining that before people learned how to speak they used facial expressions and some of those expressions involved the raising of the eye brows." Anthony from the back seat, looks at Tammy and said, "Yea that's what I said!" NO... NO.. Nooooooooooooo you did not say that! I was sitting right here when you told me that you "figured out" why God gave people eyebrows! At this point Tammy shoots me one of these:
After the "really?" look Tammy said, "come on Kris, cut him slack. Mr. Daisy in the back seat responds with, "yea cut me a break I'm only ten!" So incase you were all wondering why we have eyebrows, Anthony broke the code!