Documentaries & Sheet Masks

Did anyone of you guys out there reading my blogs know that there is actually a documentary on cats and dogs? Yea… neither did I, BUT, my wife knew. She decided that it was extremely important to text me important tips from this documentary throughout my day and her viewing of this documentary. Apparently the name of this documentary is “The Lion in Your Living Room” clearly this one has to do with the asshole cats. First off,  lets clarify shall we, I don’t have lions in my living room, I have selfish, self-absorbed asshole cats in my living room. Now my wife sent me a text to advise me that cats actually make clicking sounds when they want to kill something. Thank you hunny, I now know when my death shall arrive by the clicking cats in the hallway in the morning. Good looking out! I can now plan accordingly! She also informed me that cats actually hate being inside because they’re predators and prefer to be outside. Awesome I’m glad we have 7 predators living in our house! Don’t let these four-legged fluffy things fool you, they’re predators… see for your selves:

Poor kid.. minding his own business enjoying a walk in the snow and BAM, a predator. Well I can solve this, I’ll just open the door and let em’ all out. I’ am not down with this whole animal abuse thing, why keep animals captive when they clearly want to be free?! Off you go little kitties, go be predators far far away from the house….and never come back!
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Have no fear ladies and gents, for all you dog lovers out there, there’s a documentary on dogs, called “A Dog’s Life”. Basically this documentary gives you the inside perspective from a dog and how they understand and experience reality. Ooooooooookay!!!!! My wife informed me that dogs will copy what you do when you try to teach them. Really now? Is that so? Well, I use a toilet when I have to to the bathroom and I take a shower when I’m dirty, I don’t piss on a floor or lick myself so there goes that theory! Basically, I can sum this documentary up real quick. Dogs are needy, attention-seeking, whinny, lazy little jerks that don’t stop eating! Don’t believe me.. have a gander:

Proof is in the pudding’ folks.
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Moving on… our daughter Bianca decided that we all should get sheet masks for our faces. Now I will admit after watching my wife and daughters attempt to burn their lips into Karashian lips with the lip injection creme, I was a bit hesitant to agree to put a sheet mask on my face. After my haircut on Saturday, I met up with my wife and daughters at Ulta to check this whole sheet mask thing out. So the time came for me to pick out my mask. Why are there’s so many choices? How the hell am I suppose to know which mask is good for me?  I mean my fucking skin doesn’t talk to me, I don’t wake up and look in the mirror and go, “wow, I could really use some real red wine sheet masks for pore control!” In any event I picked the blue package because well, blue is my favorite color. Low and behold it was a seaweed skin purifying mask. First of all, ew to the seaweed, that’s gross and two, what the fuck does mean? My skin doesn’t need purifying, it didn’t sin! Purifying… what the hell? Was this mask going to suck the gay right out of my pores? Maybe I should have picked one that made my skin shine like glitter. Putting these things on is like mission impossible for a tomboy! At first I put it on backwards, then some of the seaweed purifying juice got in my eye, my top lip was burning and it wouldn’t stick to my chin or the side of my face, so basically I look like Michael Myers with a skin sagging down off my chin.. AWESOME! I thought these masks were one size fits all fucking faces?! In case you all can’t picture what I look like, I have a picture for ya’ll:

Terrifying isn’t it!? This morning I woke up with the same skin I had BEFORE the mask, just with a little seaweed smell to it. Nothing like the fresh, clean smell of seaweed over coffee! So this morning after coffee we all headed to my mother-in-law’s house for the family tradition of Christmas carols and putting up the Christmas tree, also to celebrate my birthday that’s coming up on Tuesday. Before we left my wife in a serious voice said, “we should bring Gia, she never gets to go out.” Of course my reaction is, “well is she going to help put the tree up and decorate it, because if not then she can stay here with the other animals”. That didn’t go over so well, because I immediately got this look:

Needless to say Gia came with us, she also had to sit in the front seat AND she had her sweater on. Now this is where I have a problem. You want Gia to come, no problem. You want Gia to sit up front, no problem. How you gonna put that sweater on the dog, knowing that my ass don’t have any new sweaters and Gia is sitting there rubbing it in my face like, “haha bitch look what I got on, how you like me now?” Not to mention, my wife was having hot flashes so the windows were down and here I was in a short sleeve shirt freezing my ass off and this bitch was sitting on my lap waggin her tail! Just spiteful…