Ok so I'm going to start off with a little debate. Here's the question: Who has it easier to pee in a cup when you're in a car stuck in traffic, a male or a female? Obviously the answer to this debate is males. Think about it? They can pee in almost anything, anywhere. A bottle, a cup, even a can (if their aim is on point) and they can pull over and pee on the side of a road. Females are screwed with wrath of a full bladder in an idle car. The reason I bring up this debate is because this past Wednesday we were driving back from the city after my mother-in-law's surgery, when just as we got into the tunnel, Bee had to pee. I look back in the rearview mirror and see Bee like this:
Clearly the tunnel doesn't have a pull over to pee lane, so we tried telling her to hold it until we got out of the tunnel, but the tunnel looked like this:
Not exactly reassuring, I know. So then we told her to pee in a cup. Why not, guys do it? Well, I would have sworn we told her to pee out of the window. Thank God my car has become the personal storage of Dunkin' Donuts cups, so we handed her one and said have at it. Tammy was coaching her through the process of how to actually pee in a cup, while Bianca was like, "I've never peed in a cup before, I don't know how?" Well there's a first for everything and NOW, is the time kiddo! I told her it was just like peeing in a cup at the doctor's minus the moving vehicle. Long story short, she finally peed in the cup and we all cheered like we just won the fucking lottery!
Moving on! While we are on the topic of the city. Can I just vent for a hot second about how much I hate driving in the friggen city? Where exactly are the lines that divide the lanes? Everyone is in such a friggen hurry to get front one red light to another. It's like fast and furious just get to a red light. New Yorkers really like to play red light green light go.
Then you just have people that are like fuck it and do this:
Don't even get me started on the cab drivers! Actually, no... let's talk about the assholes in the yellow cars! A truck was blocking two lanes on one of the side streets so of course I was stuck in the middle of the intersection on the main avenue. A cab driver started yelling at me and called me a "Beach". Now, I'm pretty sure he meant bitch, which then just prompted this response to every cab driver I passed:
Moving forward with the assholes in the world, lets discuss our cats. Now I have repeatedly discussed in prior blogs that our cats are complete assholes. If I haven't proved it in any other blogs, I shall prove it now. One morning last week I woke up for work and came out to make coffee and when I turned on the light I saw this:
WHAT THE FUCK? Yep..... that was my exact response. First I stood in the kitchen trying to figure out how these assholes open the refrigerator door. All I could envision was this happening, while we were all sleeping:
Clearly once the culprit got it open, this happened:
Little bastards had a feast while we were all sleeping! Not to mention decided to wreck the place. I wasn't sure what to do first, so like any normal person, I lectured the older cats on how they have to be the supervisors over the little ones. Once the lecture was over I then grounded all the cats. I thought the conversation went really well until I saw the oldest cat doing this:
The best part about the whole thing, is I know for a fact that all the kids heard us yelling at the cats and complaining about the mess they made. My wife and I clean up the disaster the cats left us and made coffee. Interestingly enough, just as the coffee finishes we hear, "Good morning! I can't believe I slept this late?" No....No....NO, you all weren't up there sleeping, you were up there hiding.. Mammas know children! Then they wanna say, "ooooh coffee".... That had me like:
You all can take yourselves to Dunkin' Donuts, McDonald's or Starbucks and buy yourselves some coffee, that pot of freshly brewed coffee is for the Mammas that just cleaned up after all ya damn cats! Acting like you didn't hear us down here. Then, after the mess is all cleaned up you all magically arise from you "deep sleep" like Sleeping Beauties like:
I'm sitting at the table like:
Yep.... yes it is!