What a crazy weekend! I'm not sure if I should keep drinking coffee or hit the bottle of Jack hidden in my nightstand! Please, all you parents out there know you have a bottle of something stashed some where in your bedroom; or am I the only one?
Friday night our daughter Alessandra made her Confirmation, which meant that our week leading up to this event was complete and total chaos. Before I break down the complete and total chaos that transpired this past week, let me first fill you in on our daughter Bianca lecturing her boyfriend on how to talk to and treat the cats.
Apparently Big Head likes to tease the cats. Now by teasing I mean chasing them around the house like a spastic child. Bianca wasn't having that, so she told him to stop teasing the cats and that it was mean. His response was "oh come on, they need to grow up!" Not sure what he was expecting when he said that. I mean did he expect the friggen cat to stand up on its back legs and walk out of the house and get a job like this?
Time to grow up kitty cat! Apparently Big Head also speaks to the cats in a very condescending tone according to our daughter Bianca. So not only is he teasing the cats but he's condescending to them. Come on Big Head, cats have feelings too! The whole time this conversation is taking place, I'm sitting at the table looking at them like:
So in the beginning of the week I was informed that Alessandra needed a dress for the Confirmation. Of course my wife needed new shoes, because our dog Teddy decided that he wasn't fond of any of her shoes so he ate them....all. On top of that, Bianca wanted to get a gift for Alessandra since she was her sponsor, and Tammy wanted to get a little something from us. So while they were out shopping, my wife called to tell me that she saw a Jesus plushy. I told her I wanted it so I could cuddle with Jesus at night. What!? Come on, it's not everyday that you get to cuddle with Jesus. I was really excited, I pictured bedtime with my Jesus plushy like this:
So I come home only to find that Alessandra had a new dress and shoes, my wife had new shoes, Bianca bought herself a new dress, gifts for Alessandra were bought and NO FRIGGEN JESUS PLUSHY FOR KRIS! Apparently my wife thought I was kidding, but my face showed otherwise:
So once again everyone got what they wanted except me and Jesus.I wonder if I can order it on Amazon? I'll look into that and get back to you all.
Confirmation day arrives and the girls are getting ready. Anthony comes out in a three piece suit like he's ready for a wedding. Naturally he was ready before the girls. I had gotten home from work around 4 and was ready in 15 minutes and of course the girls were STILL getting ready. Anthony was kind enough to inform me that he looked much better than I did. Thank you son, now shut up! We had to be at Church by 6pm, for a start time of 7pm. Which I'm still confused about.
Seriously, what was the need to be there an hour before it started? I can understand organization but an hour? Those pews aren't exactly comfortable. My ass cheeks were numb about 10 minutes into being there. By now you all know I have A.D.D. so by 15 minutes in I was wishing I had one these bad boys:
Who am I kidding, I'd probably need two, one for each hand!
We knew it was about to get serious when the guys with feather hats carrying swords came walking down the isle! In my head I was thinking that shit is about to get real. Then my mind went to, oh please baby Jesus don't let none of these men trip and fall. Jesus don't mess around! Right after the Knights of Jesus, the Bishop came down followed by 5 other priests. Our little guy wanted to know who all those people were so I told him they were all apart of Jesus' gang. Don't worry he's still in CCD he'll get the right answer soon enough.
The Bishop gave his speech after the class was confirmed. Now I don't know about you, but when a speech starts out like:
"the first Confirmation took place after Jesus had died and rose again and since then those Apostles have died!"
Well, isn't that just a bundle of inspiration wrapped in a fucking bow! If I was sitting there in my Confirmation gown, I'd start rethinking whether or not making my Confirmation was a good idea! I mean when I heard that, I automatically reacted like:
During the singing I admit I started finding different ways to dab discreetly. You'd be surprised how many ways you can dab and to any type of music! This of course prompted my wife to remind that Anthony, who's 9, was behaving better than I was. Of course he was behaving, he was playing games on her phone, while my phone got taken away. Apparently tweeting in church is unacceptable.
By the end of he night Alessandra was getting hangry (hungry angry) and was over the picture taking and just wanted Taco Bell. Way to reflect on Jesus and your accomplishments of making it through all your sacraments kid! So glad we spend all that money on years of CCD to end the night reflecting on quesadilla sand crunchy gorditas. Alessandra spent the night rejoicing in this:
Sorry Jesus but Quesadillas come first to a 13 year old.
Saturday morning came around quick. We were all up early getting ready for the family party to celebrate tacos... I mean Alessandra's Confirmation. Now I won't bore you with the family party details so I'll just fast forward to my wife and I passing out in exhaustion on the couch. In my defense I did not hear her say for us to go to bed. Apparently, I responded to her telling me to come to bed. I do not recall the demand or the response. So, Sunday morning I woke up to a smack on the arm and a "get up Kris!" It kind of played out like this
I carefully opened one eye and saw her standing over me while I was still on the couch like this:
Here's some advice, when your wife tells you it's time to go to bed.... even if you vaguely remember her trying to wake you up, roll yourself off the couch and crawl to the bedroom if you have too! Because if you do not do the above actions, you will have to endure this until the coffee kicks in:
So once the coffee kicked in and I was in my wife's good graces we decided to scroll through the insanely large amount of photographs we took from the Confirmation. My wife of course was telling me that she didn't like any of the photographs with her in them because she looked liked she was carrying the 6th Gaydy child. My wife was wearing a flowy dress and it was windy, hence why she thought she looked pregnant.
I of course had to perform am emergency intervention by showing her the picture of me and telling her that I looked like the friggen Pillsbury Doughgay! Poke my stomach and watch the fucking glitter fly!
In all seriousness (yes, I cant actually be serious, it's not often so take advantage peeps, take advantage), it was a very beautiful ceremony. Tammy and I were so proud of Alessandra for making her Confirmation and for Bianca becoming a Godmother for the first time. It was heartwarming to see their bond as sisters grow even deeper.
Here's a slideshow of Alessandra's Confirmation. Enjoy!