Happy Hump Day! Yes I know I'm a few days past the time I generally post, but you try keeping a schedule in this house. In case you're all wondering what I mean, try getting a cat to sit and stay and you'll understand. Enough about that, let's jump right into the shenanigans shall we?
I figured we'll start out with candy. Yes, candy. With Easter just passing and us having 4 kids living in the house there is bound to be candy. Let's rewind just before Easter. The twins, Mike and Bee had dinner with their father who brought them Russian candy and Japanese candy. The Russian candy was like fruit snacks with a jelly center. They came in all kinds of flavors but we all established that the green ones taste like cactus. Not that any single one of us have actually eaten a cactus but that was the consensus so just take it!
The Japanese candy on the other hand, was a little bit more interesting. The proper name for this candy is "Rice Candy". I don't know about you but any type of candy that has the word rice in it does not sound like a good time. So here we all are, opening up the candy to find this clear wrapping around them. Now, none of us are fluent in Japanese so the directions on the box were of absolutely NO HELP! We decided to start peeling the clear wrapping off of the candy and realized that it wasn't exactly coming off so easy. So what did I do? I made Carlton eat it first with the wrapper on it? What? It's not like he's officially a part of the family yet! After he eats it and appears to be fine, we all ate it. As we're eating it, we're all making this face:
Now me being me, I started to investigate the box the candy came in only to find at the very bottom of the box that the wrapper was edible...that apparently was the rice! Who the fuck knew! In any event the candy tasted like shit, but on a brighter note, it came with stickers, so that made up for the poor excuse of candy that it was.
Speaking of Easter...I ate all the kids Easter candy, because, well NOW THAT'S CANDY! They're all still trying to figure out where it all went. This is where I blame them for eating it all in one day, as I just shrug my shoulders in confusion like this:
It's not like they need the extra sugar with their crazy asses! I did them a favor. I saved their teeth, I protected them against diabetes, weight gain, sugar overdose... it was all for their benefit!
I'm not sure who out there is a makeup junkie but in any event one of the friggen Kardashians launched a new lipstick, I forgot who, but it was one of the ones that started with a "K". So Bianca, being the makeup connoisseur that she is, found this out and realize that it went on sale at exactly 6pm eastern standard time. Now this was a cluster fuck from the minute we found out what time you could buy it because none of us are proficient in time zones. Bianca realized that she would be at work when the gates to hell opened, which prompted her to give us her debit card and we were officially on Kardashian Lipstick Time Watch. Now this meant that if we missed the time to order we would deal with the wrath of a makeup queen.
So my wife and I are sitting at the kitchen table starting at exactly 5:45 pm constantly refreshing our phones on the Kardashian website and watching the clock, as if we were disabling a bomb. We both kind of looked like this:
As parents we understand the importance of our children's needs and wants. We also understand the importance of not fucking up something as simple as clicking the word "enter" when 6pm hits. Like much of everything in this house, all the clocks have a different time, as if that didn't make matters more complicated. That one minute could have been the end. In any event we both managed to make it into the website and click buy by 6:01pm. Now here we are thinking that we are the heroes once again. NO. Of course it's not that simple. We were put in some friggen cyber holding room so the site didn't crash. The message while waiting said something along the lines of "your in here, doesn't mean you get the lipstick, but good luck". I'm sorry.....
How about FUCK YOU! I'm sitting in a friggen cyber room watching a circle spin repeatedly for 15 friggen minutes, when that circle stops I better be able to buy this friggen lipstick or your answering to my daughter, Kardashians! Needless to say we finally got in and ordered the lipstick and got the confirmation. Tam and I were so happy and accomplished that we were like:
Okay, enough at our stella parenting skills.
I'm not sure what night it was, it might have even been one night last weekend, but we had a massive thunder and lightening storm. Now if you talk to my wife she will inform you that I sleep like the dead. She will also tell you that the world could be crashing down around me and I will still be in a REM state. Listen, sleeping is a hobby that I am realllly good at!
Naturally I didn't hear the thunder, nor did the lightening wake me up. You know what woke me up? The fucking asshole dogs that, keep in mind, will bark at everything and anything that walks by our house like their friggen german shepherd killer watch dogs; but one crash of thunder and these assholes are whimpering and jumping all over me to protect THEM! Not to mention trying to get under the covers and hide at the bottom of the bed. THAT right there is what woke me up! Damn dogs acting all:
Welp, now that I was up because I had to coddle two friggen dogs, my wife and I decided to go out into the kitchen and have a cup of coffee. Next thing we know the kids are all up and sitting around us at the table talking about how crazy the storm was, while Mike informs us that he thought World War III had started. Meanwhile all I'm thinking is what perfect weather this is for sleeping! So much for sleeping in!