Before you all start busting chops that I haven't blogged in a while LET ME JUST TELL YOU WHERE THE HELL I WAS!!!! I was in the middle of the fucking woods. Yep, you read that right! In the middle of the woods, smack dab right in the middle of a forrest. I'm not pulling the over dramatic blogger card either. I should probably take this opportunity to explain why I was in the middle of Red Riding Hoods' area of expertise. Three weekends ago, my wife had told me that our oldest son and daughter-in-law invited us to their house upstate for the weekend. I figured it would be a nice little get away to spend some time with our son and his new wife and to see their home.
We left Friday after work and drove 4 hours upstate. Now when we got closer to their house, the service went out, the roads became darker. I went to look out my window at the scenery and damn near swerved off the road because I saw myself staring back at me in the window! During the drive we saw the normal signs that said "Horse Crossing, "Falling Rocks" and then we saw a sign that legit looked like this:
Yea, that's a new one for me too! In any event, we pull down their road and we see them standing in the road. I looked at Tammy and said, "why the hell are they waiting out in the 9 degree cold?" Well, let me tell you why. They informed us that we were to follow the dirt path and park next the red car and they would meet us at our car with a toboggan to bring in our bags. When I heard toboggan, this immediately popped into my head:
I wasn't exactly sure why a toboggan was needed until I realized that there was a 3 minute walk from the car to their house down the dirt road. They have such an adorable house, but it literally looked like someone took a bulldozer, cut down all the trees in a circle in the middle of a forrest and placed their house. We had a nice weekend spending time with our oldest son and daughter-in-law and relaxing. I even got to pretend to star in my own Blair Witch project every time I went out to vape. It kind of looked like this:
Only I was running around on their deck. No way in hell was I stepping off their deck, I know how that movie ended!
So after a nice relaxing weekend of fun we came home to the joys of starting Christmas shopping for the tribe of children we have. Have no fear, my wife had a plan. She created a board on Pinterest and added everyone to it, so they could pin what they wanted, including her and I. This may sound like a brilliant plan and effective way to get a list from your kids and to see what your spouse pins, however the board now has a total 900 pins. I was pinning stuff, but it kept getting lost in the slew of pins for faux fur coats, faux leather pants, over sized sweaters, a million different kinds of shoes and hipster clothes, that I literally had to create my own damn board. Seriously, in order for me to see exactly what I pinned, I had to do this:
Creating my own board was much more effective for me to pin all things possible relating to sharks!
The following week the packages starting coming! Now, I'm not sure when Tammy decided to start the shopping, but she was on her A-game with the ordering. At one point it literally looked UPS threw up in our bedroom. In order for me to get my clothes out for work in the morning I had to pretend I worked for Fed-Ex:
I literally spent 30 minutes of cardio just removing boxes out of my way, repositioning so they didn't fall and then putting them back in my way so I didn't get yelled at for trying to "peek" at my presents! Peek at my presents? There were at least 30 boxes that were all friggen in brown UPS or White Fed-Ex boxes, how the hell am I going to peek?!
So after we finally ran out of room in our bedroom, my beautiful wife decided it was time we start wrapping presents. Yep, there's nothing like wrapping Christmas presents while playing Christmas carols in November! Oh and by "we" she meant me! So I bribed Bianca with sushi and chocolate to help wrap presents with me, because I hate wrapping and I hate Christmas carols. So here I am trying to convince my wife to just leave things unwrapped as good ol' St. Nick would have done back in the day, while Bianca was like:
Meanwhile, I'm sitting on the floor like:
What? One out of eight wrapped and read-to-go! Carlton had come up with an idea of bringing up the folding table from downstairs that way our backs wouldn't hurt and we could create a production line. Oh what a wonderful idea? Now I've become a fucking elf! So now we had this whole thing going on in the living room:
After 2-3 hours, all the presents were wrapped, put downstairs in kid order and I was caroled out! By the end of the evening I was like:
This past Wednesday we took a break from everything and my wife and kids had planned out a celebration for my 39th birthday! I got a shark cake, just saying! I spent the night playing Just Dance with all the kids while my wife recorded almost every embarrassing dance move I made. You can check some of them out in our Bonus Feature section.
So as quickly as our room emptied out, was as quickly as our room filled back up with more deliveries. Somehow, my wife convinced me to venture out on Black Friday to finish up the shopping for the kids. I have two rules on Black Friday if I'm forced to go out shopping and my wife knows this far too well. First, I don't do malls. Secondly, if you go for something I'm going for, I'm taking you out. I don't care who you are, how old you are, I will be like this just to get what we need:
Needless to say, my wife chose the outlets as the choice of shopping on Black Friday to spare us some bail money. Seriously it doesn't matter WHERE you go on Black Friday the whole damn state looks like this:
Finally after about 4 hours ducking, dodging, tripping and tackling people, we finished our shopping. I'm just kidding, there was no tackling. Saturday morning I slept in a little, my wife woke me up to have some coffee. Here I am thinking that I'll have two days to relax before the work week starts. During coffee, she turns to me and said, "So, I'm thinking we'll get ready in about an hour, head out to get the tree and some more decorations and then put the tree up, what do you think?" What do I think......, I thought this:
BUT, instead I simply looked over her after I sipped my coffee like:
Out amongst the crazy we go.. yet again. We bought a new pre-light 7 and 1/2 foot tree, some inside decorations and new outdoor decorations. Now keep in mind I don't have a single outlet outside of my house, so every year I manage to Griswald our house up by wiring everything into the porch light. I tried to take control over the outside decoration by getting solar powered decorations or battery operated decorations. Of course I lost this battle, but we'll get back to that in a hot second.
Saturday night we get home, I put up the wreath, I put the tree up, put out the decorations like a boss! We all ended the night watching The Grinch with the christmas tree on.
Here's where it gets interesting. I wake up Sunday morning, woke up our son Mike to help with the outside. Now, normally I would have just knocked it out myself however, Tammy, Alessandra and Bianca picked out a fucking 6 foot bear with a top hat and scarf holding a present for our front yard; and I refused to put that together, so Mike got the job. My job was wiring two friggen Disney projectors, three lighted christmas presents, lighted garland and this friggen bear into the porch light.
Mike and I knocked out the decorations, then I came in and hung blinds by the bosses orders. I was curious to see how the Grisgay light show would turn out being that we had added three knew things that required electricity. So we waited until it got dark. I took a shower, getting ready to finally relax when it happened! I went to turn on the Christmas tree only to find that the top part and the bottom part of the tree was lit. Why you ask? Because one of our 8 asshole cats decided to climb the fucker and eat the connector, which then prompted this response from me:
In the car, pj's and all to Walmart, (oh stop! that's normal attire for Walmart), bought 5 boxes of lights, came home and strung the whole tree that was once a pre-lit tree, that became a plain tree because of the disrespectful, ungrateful cats! Once I got the tree back up and running, it was time for the Grisgay light show. I said a prayer, made the sign of the cross and said:
I flipped the switch for the porch light and low and behold there were outside decorations that had me like:
So there ya have it! The reasons why there has not been a blog! Tis the friggen season!