Well Thanksgiving is over and so is Black Friday and somehow I managed to survive both without complete intoxication, well now that’s just a blatant lie, I was slightly intoxicated for the weekend. I suppose I should fill you all in on the 3 hour ride up to the Poconos Thanksgiving Day. Remember how I said my wife felt it was a necessity that the dogs come with us? She no longer feels that way now! Me 1- Wife 0! Now our puppy Teddy gets car sick and the vet had told us to give him one Benadryl before we went on a long car ride. Needless to say, I will be calling the vet tomorrow morning and informing him that his advise is Bullshit! Five minutes away from our car ride ending and Teddy decides that he wants to toss his cookies all over the back seat. Really dickhead? You couldn’t wait five more minutes and do that shit outside!? At least kids give your ass a heads up, dogs just look at you wagging their tail. My mother and father-in-law drove up with us, along with our 9 year old who’s new Jordan’s were the victim of Teddy’s car sickness.
Michael, Bianca and Alessandra followed behind us with Gia in their car. One word….Lucky!
The game of the night for Thanksgiving was the Newley Wed game. Here’s my advise on this game, no matter what answer you give, you suck at being a spouse. Comments like, “you idiot”, “really Kris, that’s your answer?”, “ugh we know nothing about each other” and “great, we’re losing”, were a steady flow that night! That game should be banned, it’s dangerous. There’s no warning label on that game either, and there needs to be one that should read, “If your happily married and want to stay that way, run as fast as you can away from the game!” Whatever happen to fucking UNO, that’s game that doesn’t get you in trouble. I wanted to go upstairs with the kids and do the JuJu on the Beat and play the cup song.. can’t get in trouble that way! Meanwhile the whole game long, I’m getting this look:
So Black Friday morning before we headed home, my wife thought that maybe Teddy needed two benadryl because he’s 20 pounds and that one wasn’t enough. So I gave the dog two benadryl hoping that the car ride home would be a little smoother. Now we always stop on the way home and get food for the ride home since it’s a 3 hour car ride. My wife puts Teddy on the floor at her feet hoping the two benadryl will kick in and he’ll sleep for the car ride. NOPE! Right before we pull into to get food, Teddy decides to lay it all out on the floor and yet again there he is wagging his fucking tail like he just did a fucking epic dog trick and is waiting for fucking treat! My wife looks at me and says, “maybe two benadryl aren’t enough.” Really? What the fuck do you want me to do, fucking give him a Xanax?! You want me to shoot him with a tranquilizer gun? What, what do you want me to do? Here’s an idea… LEAVE HIM HOME BECAUSE HE’S A DOG AND HAS NO IDEA IT’S THANKSGIVING!!!!
So after the car is all cleaned up and the littler fucker decides he’s going to NOW take a nap, we ordered food and hit the road again. My wife looks over at me and says, “do you want your food babe?” Sure honey, I’ll drive on the highway with my knees while I eat! I mean who the hell needs hands on the steering wheel when you ya got knees?! I told her to eat first and then she can feed me like she normally does, but I guess she’s still pissed about the Newly Wed game so now I’m going to starve. Anyway, the time comes for her to feed me and I get the first bite, no problem. Then she starts talking to my in-laws in the back seat and she’s waving my sandwich around in front of my face and here I am trying to catch a fucking bite in mid air like this:
Nice right? Glad everyone enjoyed their food, meanwhile I’m trying to catch a bite without wax paper mixed in. Meanwhile when my wife finally realizes that I’m ready for the next bite, she keeps giving my the same part of the sandwich so now I have ketchup and mayo all over my face and tomatoes hanging from teeth. Little help hunny, little help. Everyone knows that when you’re driving and feeding the person driving, you’re suppose to keep turning the sandwich so that you’re not digging a hole straight through the middle. It’s driving etiquette.. it’s in the driver’s manual for fucks sake! Man, I never broke a sweat trying to friggen eat more than I did on the way home!
On the brighter side of things, our 9 year old’s tooth was lose and he was scared that he would swallow it during the night while he was sleeping. Naturally, I did what any good parent would do and pulled the tooth out! What? It was super lose. Of course I wasn’t thinking because now I gotta play tooth-fucking-fairy and give this kid money for me pulling out his damn tooth. How is that even fair? I should get the money. Needless to say, I forgot to put the money on his dresser, I know, I know, shitty mom award goes to me! Luckily for me, when he woke up he didn’t even look at his dresser, so when he came to eat breakfast I ran into his room took the tooth and put money down. I walked out and said “dude, did the tooth fairy come last night?” BAM…..and that’s how it’s done!
Speaking of Black Friday… I did some shopping myself. I waited until 4:30 in the afternoon, took myself to the store and walked out with a TV. The same damn TV, for the same damn price everyone was tackling, punching, tripping and fighting people for. My wife tried to pull that Black Friday shopping shit with me and I looked at her and said, “If we go and someone gets in my way, bumps into me or rushes me, I’m straight up going linebacker on them.”I don’t care, I will not feel bad taking out a kid or a grandma! You drag my ass out on Black Friday and I will straight up go Bruce Lee on people, is this is what you really want? Needless to say we stayed home and binged watched Mob Wives. Me-2 Wife-0!
The next morning my wife wants to put up the Christmas tree and decorations with the kids while my in-laws were still over. So we bring everything up and in two minutes I had the tree up and turned on. Of course this prompts my wife to say “I wanted the kids to help”. Help with what? The tree is literally 4ft tall, you take it out the box stick in the stand and throw it on-top of the end table. What were they going to help with. Opening the box, holding the extension cord, what? These kids didn’t want to help! As soon as we said the words “Christmas tree” all those damn kids scattered like cockroaches when light hits them! Besides, this isn’t Rockefeller Center, there’s no lighting of the tree ceremony in this house with all the animals we have running around like lunatics!
So this morning my wife wakes up and tells me she wants to go shopping for a wreath for the door! OH COME ON WOMAN!!!!! I said, “I can outside in our back yard, grab a bunch of branches, some pine tree needles, some pine cones and some leaves and make your wreath!” Of course this is where she puts me on a guilt trip and tells me it’s always been her dream to have a nice Christmas wreath on a nice front door of our home. Wow, she went there… she really went there. We had a door on the house for entire time we’ve been in the house and NOW it’s “always been your dream”.. really now? FINE!!!!!!!!!
I finally concede to going and looking for a wreath.. wouldn’t want to be the killer of dreams. As she goes to get more coffee, she sneakily adds in, “and we’ll stop off at the outlets on the way back to start shopping for the kids” HOLD UP.. no, nah, nuh uh I didn’t concede to that, that wasn’t even included in the whole, “it’s always been my dream” thing! You can’t do that, you can’t just add something into a deal once a deal has been agreed on! Needless to say the guilt trip came again… I should just keep my damn guilt trip bags packed!
My wife of course gets all upset telling me how we always Christmas shop together and how its that time of year. All I keep thinking about is how all these damn kids are going to make out and when I wake up Christmas morning my present is going to be cleaning up the damn wrapping paper! So of course, she convinces me to at least go to the Christmas Tree Shoppe and get a wreath. I’m thinking, okay no problem, in and out. Two hours and $230 later I am home sticking jelly Christmas things to the window that one of the asshole cats have already decided they didn’t like my placement or the tree and shredded it! While I love Christmas, I hate shopping and would much rather be doing this:
Needless to say the wife wins this one… Christmas shopping has officially begun and I’ve filled my flask…Tis the season!