Happy Sunday everyone. My sincerest apologizes for the delay in blogging. Last month was a bit of a crazy month with 4 of our 5 kids having birthdays. It literally felt like every other day all I did was this:
First we started off with our youngest, who turned 10 and wanted sneakers for his birthday. Not just any kind of sneakers, but LEBRON sneakers. I remember when I was younger and it was my birthday, I got a cake, told to blow the candles out and make a wish for something I really wanted.......that I never got! I'm still waiting on 38 years of fucking birthday wishes! Lebrons.. he don't even play basketball! In any event he got his sneakers. Then 4 days after his birthday our twins turned 21. So since 21 is a milestone birthday we took immediate family to dinner and celebrated their day. This is where it starts to get interesting. The morning of the twins' birthday, Anthony gets a stomach virus.
At this point I'm thinking we have exactly 6 hours before we have to leave so throw up as many times as you can before we leave. Needless to say my plan did not go as well as it did inside my head. I'll spare you the details of what transpired at the restaurant but let's just say at one point I caught myself sitting at the table looking like:
We finally made it to the end of the night and we get home and get Anthony in bed and then Bianca comes in and informs us that she needs to go to the medi-merge in the morning because her throat is on fire and her ears hurts. Then we find out the next day that Alessandra was up with a stomach virus all night and that Bianca had a throat infection and ear infection. So here I am drinking coffee thinking that this can't possibly be a good thing right now. Then suddenly this image pops into my head:
So Tam and I immediately quarantine everyone to their rooms. I'm spraying everything I can think of down with lysol.. yes even the cats because they touch the cats. I'll be honest, I contemplated rigging up a can of lysol to the hose and taking all the germ breeding, infected kids outside and doing this:
My wife told me I was overreacting. I think NOT! I can't get sick. I have to go work. Provide. Do the providing thing. Then the unimaginable happened very early morning on Monday. The germs had reached my wife! I wake up and check on her in the bathroom like:
Listen, I'm supportive but when you're looking like the kid from the exorcist I'm going to be supportive from a distance. This meant one thing.. I was going to have to get the kids to school and we all know from previous blogs how well that plays out when I'm left unsupervised with the kids. Needless to say, Anthony went to school in an outfit that apparently didn't match. I gave him the wrong lunch and almost drove over cones on the drop off line because I don't read ANY emails that come from the school. With everyone in the house down with some sort of germ infested illness, I immediately start googling things to take to not get sick and come up with the miracle drug! Activated charcoal people! Buy it, stock up on it, live on it! After dropping Anthony off at school I drove around looking for this stuff. Finally after 4 pharmacies I found it, got in the car and immediately took two! Now I will advise you all that if you're going to take this, drink it with A LOT of water. I had a little bit of coffee left and one pill got stuck in my throat and when I burped it tasted like I ate a bag of quick start charcoal for a grill. So of course my entire drive home I'm like:
I walked into the house like:
Walked up to everyone and gave them 2 pills and said, "no questions, take these", like a boss! I made everyone take two pills every 3 hours. The next day everyone felt better and I stood, the lone survivor of the stomach virus rampage like:
I'm telling you... ACTIVATED CHARCOAL. Get it, you can thank me later!
Now that everyone is over the cooties and have officially been cleared from Quarantine by me, let's talk about Halloween! I'm not a very big fan of Halloween and yes we've discussed this in numerous blogs of mine so no need to rehash it all. I am however surrounded by a family that likes Halloween so I just play along like:
I'm not exactly sure how I, let alone anyone can get excited about any halloween considering come September every store has Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year decorations out all at once! Somehow, someway it became Hallankschristyear. I mean what the fuck is that about? I'm not sure if I should be buying candy, a thanksgiving center piece, a baby Jesus or a friggen Welcome to 2018 sign! Slow it down merchandisers, slow... it ... down!
So because I play along so well with the Halloween thing, I got to take Anthony trick-or-treating. My wife in her usual Witch costume (no serious, she dresses up as a witch every year.. not that she is one), stayed back handing out candy with our two dogs, whom she decided to dress up too!
With the witch, the bat and the F-Boy dog at home, Anthony, Ale, Bianca and myself ventured the neighborhood. The whole time I thought Anthony was a vampire until one of the neighbors called him Skeletor and I turned to Ale and Bianca and said, "that's what he is?" What? Listen, I don't do this stuff people! Vampire, Skeletor, what the hell is the difference? I mean he had a cape! What Skeletor do you know that has a cape? As if it's not bad enough that I don't even know what our kid is for halloween, I also hate walking! I contemplated driving from house to house but I got this look from my wife:
Walking it is then! I figured walking around a neighborhood would be more fun in a shark onsie, so that's exactly what I did! Bianca and Ale headed back to the house to hand out candy with Tammy, which left me and Vampetor boy walking around. I kept trying to convince that he had tons of candy in his bag and that we should head home. Yea, nope didn't work. Then the ghost and ghouls of Halloween came through for me.. he had to pee! Aww look at that time to go home!
I walk inside and lay directly on the couch in my shark onsie and all while the family is outside tending to the greedy candy kids outside! I'm thinking to myself it's getting dark everyone go home and eat your stash and drive your parents crazy! I have one here that's already diving into his stash. I start thinking that once again, I've made it through another halloween until my wife comes in and tells me that we're taking a drive to an old abandoned slaughter house after dinner. In my mind I'm thinking:
I mean of course I kept that in my head, but what came out of my mouth was more like:
She looks at me and said, "come on, it's Halloween it will be fun"! I'm sorry..abandoned slaughter house + halloween + the friggen world has gone mad+ darkness + in the middle of no where= NOT FUN AT ALL! Have you lost your damn mind? Listen Witch, I am not following the yellow brick road to find the friggen Wizzard. Don't make me drop a house on you!
I lost that battle! Carlton stayed behind with Anthony (lucky asses) so Tammy, Ale, Bianca and myself headed out for a Halloween drive. Now the whole time I'm driving my wife is like "can we play halloween music?" "Oh this is going to be so fun!" Meanwhile I'm driving, plotting my revenge. So we pull down the dark road where the slaughter house is off of and I start driving really slow, I turn into the dirt path and all of sudden, Ale, Bianca and my wife start saying "oh no, I have a bad feeling, I have bad feeling, go back!" Oh... what's this now? You all wanted to drag my ass out of the house for a fright night drive, I'm not even on the property yet and you all have a bad feeling! Okay. So I put the car in reverse and I yell, "Holy shit what is that in my back up camera!?" Now all three of them are screaming and turning there heads and going, "what is it?! Oh my god! go mommy go!" Meanwhile I'm sitting there like:
Feeling pretty proud of myself I head up the road and I have everyone telling me to just go home now. Oh no, it doesn't work like that! I turned around and pulled up right outside the slaughter house and everyone is looking to the left and I turn and yell "oh my god, who is outside the friggen window!? What the fuck is that!! OH MY GOD!", they all turn and scream at the top of their lungs, while I'm sitting in the driver seat like:
That'll teach them! Can't prank a prankster!
So the next morning we're having coffee before I leave for work and my wife asks, "where is Anthony's candy bag?" I sip my coffee and look at her like:
You should all know what comes next out of Tammy's mouth. She looks at me and goes, "Kris, what did you do?" Well, I may have suggested that he just leave it in his room for the night, you know, it was late.
I quickly followed up with, "coffee is good baby, I love you!" Which then of course prompted this reaction from Tammy:
So there ya have it folks! Until next time!