Buttercise & Death Of A Christmas Tree

Well it's that time again, where I lay it all out there for the world to read and get amused by our adventures. Enjoying yourselves? Good, that's exactly how I planned it!

Well, I am happy to announce that we, and as in "we", I mean my wife has finished all the Christmas shopping and Bianca has finished all the wrapping! Don't sit there and shake your heads in disbelief like I'm the real life grinch. I put up the tree and the outside lights, I did my part. It is not MY fault that someone started with this whole thing about an old man with a white beard who lives in the North Pole with a bunch of elves and delivers presents once a year on the day Jesus was born! 

I mean Christmas is about...about.... ah hell I didn't pay attention in CCD and I'm spiritual, so I can't truthfully answer that question. In any event,  I will no longer allow the myth of Santa Claus to continue in this house. He's taken credit long enough! That's it I put my foot down! I mean between you and I, me putting my foot down literally lasts 2.5 seconds. The reason why you ask? Well when I put my foot down I get this look from my wife:

I immediately do this:

Well then I guess we've established who wears the pants in this relationship. Moving on! So there was an interesting turn of events since the last blog. Alessandra decided that she was going to work out. Her working out consisted of doing "butt exercises" because she wanted a "nice butt"! Well Santa sure as hell can't bring that so I guess the lunges and back kicks will have to do. So every night Alessandra and Bianca would begin with Yoga poses and then do this butt workout and then a half hour of Just Dance. For approximately ONE week, every night it looked like this in our living room. 

Watch out Kardashian Sisters there's some new sisters in town and they're working the gluteus maximus! When I say that it was legit one week, I'm not lying. After one week of doing all that every night, both of them were all like this:

So if you recall from the last blog, I mentioned our new seven and a half foot pre-lit tree that immediately became a de-lit tree because of the asshole cats. Now I know which one it was because I approached every single one of them and questioned them on their actions during the night and low and behold the one that ran away was the culprit! Here's a tip kitty cats out there, if you do something that fucks something up, don't run when you're questioned! That's an immediate sign of guilt, and you're all suppose to be smart animals?! 

Sorry, I digress. The ADD kicked in there for a hot minute. Back to our regularly scheduled bitchfest. So as I was saying, I take our teenage daughter, Alessandra to school in the morning. I get up around 6:15, turn on the Christmas tree, feed the asshole cats, clean the liter, have some coffee and wait for Alessandra to come rushing down the steps around 6:40. Last week, I come back from taking her to school and find this:

Now... either my fucking christmas tree got too lazy from standing and fell over or the cats were being assholes again. My suspicion led me to believe that it was the asshole cats, considering I saw one of them all in my tree like this:

This time, I didn't need to interrogate them, because I knew exactly who it was! Of course when I walked in my reaction was quite simple, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I did, however lecture every single one of them on how just because they see lights and dangly things doesn't mean that they have to be all up in my shit! They got their Christmas present, which was a three tiered cat tower! Go fucking be a cat and play on that! Oh noooooo, you all have to be assholes! Now our tree looks like its been through World War III. Looking all sad with giant cat holes all up in the tree! What a damn shame. The tree when from boujee to this:

We got fucking ornaments hanging half off, bows all upside down and balls missing with the hooks still left on the branches! It will be a Christmas miracle if this tree actually makes it to Christmas Day! We bought spray that is supposed to deter the cats from the tree because of the smell. Well, let me just tell you what this spray does? It literally deters all of us humans from the living room gasping for fresh air, while the asshole cats are surrounding the tree doing this:

As if I haven't had enough fun the past two weeks, it was Gia's birthday on the 12th. Now by now, you should all know that Gia is one of our doggos. So I come home from work and the wife and I are relaxing on the couch and she turns to me and says, "Gia's birthday is coming up, we need to get her some birthday presents." I'm sorry excuse me? Birthday presents? She then proceeds to tell me that Gia grew out of all her clothes and that she needs new clothes for her birthday. In my head, I'm thinking clothes for what? She doesn't go to school, she doesn't go to functions because she's a FUCKING DOG! She stays inside! My wife then makes me goes on Amazon and order her three t-shirts and two sets of pajamas. Want to see my face when she handed me back my phone after she picked out all the clothes? Here it is:

Wait, there's more! My wife then informs me that we have to order the dogs' Christmas outfits because they're going to see Santa! 

Okay... yea.. I got nothing! 

I finally convinced my wife this morning to not take them to the pet store to see Santa this morning. However, this turned into me playing pet photographer to Gia and Teddy in their Christmas outfits. After 45 minutes of Tammy yelling sit, holding a two treats over their heads and me moving left, then right, then left, then right again, we finally got it! 

The doggos say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza and Happy New Year!