Twas the night before Monday, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse……FUCK THAT.. in THIS house? Please… that bed time story is full of shit! Bring your ass over to the Gaydy House “twas the night” before any friggen day and you’ll walk out with your ears ringing like you spent 4 hours at a concert! At some point, I think we acquired another kid! Not sure when that happened but she’s been here all weekend. She even came down this morning and said “good morning Mamas, I’m having coffee with you!” I looked up from my coffee like:
I’m sorry did I hear that right? Sounded like…like.. she said “Mammas”! When did this happen and where the fuck was I when this happened? Long story short the new kid is Mike’s girlfriend. So If I do the math that makes 6 kids and we still have Alessandra and Anthony growing up, which means that will eventually add 2 more to our total and make it 8 and then in the morning after I have my coffee, I’ll be doing this:
I think we need to invest in more than one coffee pot, possible three or four, 12 cups just ain’t enough in this house. These kids come down in the morning like, “ah yea the coffee is made” and drink our coffee! Yea the coffee is made ya little assholes, because I got up early and made it while you’re all snuggled in under your covers till noon! Don’t they know that the Gaydy Moms need at least a pot of coffee to even begin to function! Greedy little coffee drinkers, drinking all our coffee!
Moving on… so I mentioned in the last blog that Bianca had all four of her wisdom teeth pulled last week. Poor thing looked like a little red-headed chipmunk with a lisp. The oral surgeon had given her Percocet and her teeth. I’m not sure what the point of was giving her, her teeth that he just surgically removed from her mouth, but in any event, she couldn’t wait to show me! Keep in mind that she was so excited to show me, or I should say the Percocet made her excited to show me her teeth. So of course being the sarcastic mother I am, I said “wow, look how big they are, that’s why you had so much wisdom, now their gone, so there goes that!” Oh stop your gasping in shock like “how could she say that to her child?”, she was high on Percocet and doesn’t remember!
So before Bianca left to go to the appointment she was telling me she was really nervous. So because I’m completely obsessed with GIF images I sent her one of an orangutan dancing and made the stupid promise of dancing for her like that to make her laugh and feel better! I was hoping the Percocet would make her forget… yea nope! So here I am dancing like a fucking asshole for our daughter:
The things we do for our children! Does everyone remember when and if you ever had your wisdom teeth out, you know that they give you a needle, you go to sleep, you wake up and you’re bleeding and in pain. Remember? Yea well now apparently they do shit all different. Now they are all sensitive to their patients’ needs! The oral surgeon asked Bianca what kind of music she liked to listen to, then gave her laughing gas, before jabbing a needle in her arm! Seriously!!!!!! What the fuck? How come us old people got the barbarian, heartless dentists that just shot up our mouths with novocaine, used plyers and yanked those fuckers out and sent us on our way AND we didn’t get our teeth! So there she is listening to The Chainsmokers getting gassed up all silly informing the dentist that we have 2 dogs and 7 cats. Somehow she remember that her surgeon has a parrot with a mohawk! Well aren’t you fucking fancy with your parrot! So what if I’m a little bitter right now! I remember having to rinse my mouth out every 20 minutes with salt water, with a prescription of “get the fuck over it”!
Poor thing, she could only soft food, so my wife made her pastina. She kept talking about how she wanted us to get her a pretzel dog, which to be honest, I’m not sure if it was even real or something the Percocet made up. From the pretzel dog, she went to wanting sardines, to taking her to the Russian store and getting her fish. Not just any kind of fish, but the fish that the “heads were cut off and you had to cut off the tails”! I was good up until the headless fish! I looked at my wife like:
Look, I’m Italian, I’m not knocking anything, we eat all kinds of fish on Christmas eve, but If I gotta cut the tail off of something, we got a problem! Can we settle on some swedish fish? You can cut the tails off those……!
Our weekend ended with heading out to the outlets in 30 degree weather to try and finish up Christmas shopping for all the kids. Yep.. 30 degree weather! I’m not fond of jackets because I’m always hot, so I wore a sweater and left my infinity scarf in the car. Of course my wife informed me that I was an idiot for doing that. We may have has a touch of hypothermia and some frost bite, but we finally finished all our shopping for the kids and the bonus of the night.. I got to ride one of those 50 cent rids for the kids, it was Dino from the flinstones, so it was a successful night! You can see the video on youtube here:
The Gaydy Moms Hit the Outlets
Yes.. that’s right the Gaydy Bunch has a YouTube channel, so be sure to subscribe for more videos coming soon!
What a fucking week! Excuse my abrupt use of the F word right off the bat. I know, I know, I usually ease you all into the F-bomb dropping, but there really is no other way for me to express what a shittastic week this has been. I really blame it on the repetitive Christmas music being play everywhere I go. Seriously though, do we really need to have Christmas music playing in banks, doctor’s office, grocery stores, when you’re on hold with customer service? WE GET IT…. IT’S THE HOLIDAY SEASON.. It’s like a sick twisted game of escape the fucking Jingle Bell Rock! Jeeez…… we get it.. we got it during Halloween when all the stores starting putting out Christmas decorations!
So let’s talk about my shittastic week shall we! Monday was fucking Monday..the mere fact that it’s MONDAY is just shitty, nothing ever good happens on Monday, so that was the start to the shitty week. We’ll skip over Tuesday, I mean come on it’s Tuesday, the most boring day of the week. Nothing to look forward there. Think about it, you got the Monday Blues, Humpday Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday and TGIF….what the fuck you got for Tuesday? Tuesday Thoughts? Thoughts about what… pondering the shitty week of work you have ahead of you? How fucking long it is until Friday!? How you only put in one friggen long ass day to your week and you feel like a Miley Cyrus came crashing into you like a wrecking ball? I digress…
So Wednesday I was driving home from work, sitting in a nice long line of bumper to bumper traffic when I got rear-ended by some doucherocket and I’m being nice when I refer to him as that! So I get out of the car and the guy literally says to me “ooops I guess I did that!” You’re fuckin me right now.. did you just seriously use the word “oops” and then tell me hat you guess you did that? No you fucking twittlefuck Santa came ripping in on his sleigh with Rudolph and his nose so fucking red AND magically pushed your car into mine! I literally looked at him like this:
Now I have an extremely short temper, its a downfall, we all have them, whatever! I literally wanted to jump onto of his fancy Land Rover and just start jumping up and down like this:
Now I realize how extremely childish this looks, but if you’re going to give me an “oooooops did I do that?” sounding like Steve Mother-Fucking Erkel you’re car is getting jumped on! In any event, the guy kept trying to leave and kept telling me that it didn’t look bad at all. I looked at him and in the most polite way said “I’m sorry I can’t tell because your fucking front bumper is embedded into my rear bumper, so lets just wait for the cops!” Now before I got out of the car, I made the mistake of texting my wife that I had just been rear ended, so I got back in the car to a thousand hysterical text messages from her and my kids, along with missed calls from her. I call the cops, then call my wife then call my kids. The cop comes and walks up to my vehicle and says “Are you okay sir?” Which of course prompted the sarcasm to kick in and my reply was, “well if men have tits then no I guess I’m not okay!” That comment was worth the look on the cop’s face! Long story short Mister “Ooops-Did-I-Do-That” got a ticket for an unregistered vehicle so FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
So now I get home, take a shower and relax on the couch and try to decompress from my shitty day. As I’m laying on the couch I hear this horrendous noise coming from the basement. I paused a couple times and looked around the living room, to see if anyone else noticed the sound, no one budged. So I asked my wife what the hell that noise was. She looks over at me with her cute little smile and said, “oh yea hunny I forgot to tell you…….the washer is making a really loud noise.” First of all… NO SHIT, secondly ummmmm…. how the hell do you FORGET to tell me something like that? How does that God awful sound just skip your cute little mind there pumpkin!? Downstairs I go and after 45 minutes of trying to fix the washer (picture the old man fighting with the furnace from the Christmas Story) and by “fixing” I mean kicking the shit out of it, I come upstairs and announce that the washer is broke and lay back down on the couch….head of the house deed done!
As if my week couldn’t possibly end on more shitty note, my wife informed me that she was exploring Netlix…..AGAIN and found something for us to watch and I was going to love it! I come home the other night to something called “Yule Log and Carols”. Let me enlighten all of you as to what that is……it’s a Yule Log that burns on your tv and plays carols in the background. Let’s just take a moment to discuss “Yule Logs”. Apparently this is a “specially selected log burnt on Christmas. How the fuck was it specially selected? I mean I don’t get it, what makes a fucking log special enough to be burned on Christmas and how does one decide which one is THE ONE? It’s a fucking log….logs are meant to be burned! AND… if it’s so special why the fuck are you burning it?Who decided that this special log would be named Yule? How do you look at a log and say “ooooh look its a Yule log”? I mean if its a “specially selected log” give that shit a better name!
In any event, she thought this was the best thing next to fucking pockets! There she is all smiley saying “isn’t this great? It’s like having a fireplace but its on your tv!” No this isn’t great, you know why it’s not great because I see a nice toasty fire burning but I feel no warmth from it AND the carols play on repeat until you want to bash your head into a wall! As if the first one wasn’t bad enough, she had found another one called “Crackling Birchwood” which just basically fucking crackles. So my shittastic week ended watching this for hours:
I’m NOW canceling NETFLIX!
Well now that all the Christmas shopping is done and over with, the dreaded job of wrapping all the presents has fallen upon us. Just kidding, we make the kids do that shit! They all know we bought the shit, they can at least wrap it! Santa is done retired up in this bitch! The only job left for me to do is OCD organize the presents under the tree early Christmas morning. Now, I would do that parental duty late Christmas Eve night, but most likely I will have one too many Coquitos’ looking like this:
Besides, the cats will probably have all the presents unwrap come Christmas morning because they’re ASSHOLES!
So remember I told you that I wanted to tell our 9 year old that Santa wasn’t real, but the wife convinced me to go with her way? Well my wife’s way was to tell him that “Santa stops coming for little boys and girls once they hit 9 years old”. As if that was more believable that the fact that the sons-a-bitch ain’t REAL! Anyway last night at dinner I was talking to Anthony and I said “so what did you put on your list, since I haven’t seen it?” He’s all like, “mom has it!” Over dinner I said, “oh hey bud, I think Santa brought you one gift!” His eyes lit up and he said, “he did!”. I heard this loud thump, followed by an intense sharp pain in my shin from my wife kicking me under the table! It took me a minute to process what I did now, then I realized that we are no where NEAR Christmas for Santa to be bringing any presents! No worries, I quickly rebounded with, “I meant I think Santa is bringing you at least one present”! All smiles because I defused a sitiation until i looked over at my wife and saw this look:
WHAT?!?! I fixed it! Apparently I didn’t! My wife looks at me and says, “hunny we didn’t see Santa to give him Anthony’s list!” With the quickness, I responded with, “oh well, I saw him in Walmart, told him to surprise the kid!” With that, I looked at Anthony and said, “eat your corn!”
After we all ate dinner, my wife decides to announce that we were taking our family photo for our Christmas cards! Keep in mind, I was in sweats and a tank top, the girls were in pajamas, Anthony was in his pajamas and we were all stuffed from dinner! Prime time to take a photo that everyone in the world will see there sweetcheeks! She had this all planned out too, jeans and white t-shirts and no shoes. Of course the girls spent a half hour putting on makeup and doing their hair that they were only going to have to take off after the picture! Just some advice, don’t ever rush two girls putting on makeup for a photo or your ears will bleed by the screeches of “We’re noooooooooooooooooooot ready YET! Oh, don’t see anything wrong with that? How about one dog dressed as an elf and the other dressed as Santa? I thought I heard someone mention “what about the cats?” What about the fucking asshole cats!? We barely have enough room to get us all in the frame, you wanna throw 7 cats into mix?
So here we are 45 minutes AFTER we were suppose to already take the photo because two daughters, who I will not name were preparing for the red carpet, we start “getting into position” as my wife called it! Meanwhile I have Santa and the Elf running around trying to take off each other’s outfit off. I’m chasing Teddy around calling him Santa tripping over cats, Gia is rolling around trying to take off her elf hat. Anthony is sending me game pigeon requests every 2.5 seconds, meanwhile my wife is sitting on the couch all smiley and I’m like:
Finally after 30 minutes, 30 pictures, a leg cramp and a toe cramp later, my wife and daughters finally found a picture they liked for the Christmas cards! Sweats back on thank you very much! Oh but wait, I wasn’t done for the night because I had to rush at 9 p.m. and order the cards because ya know …. NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE RUSH WAS! It’s not like she was going to write them all out at 10:30 p.m. when they were ready for pickup and send them out! Happy wife, happy life I suppose.
IN case you need a visual of what the dogs look like before they went all cujo on each other, here ya go:
So this afternoon my wife send me a text to inform me that it was Gia’s 2nd birthday and we had to celebrate her birthday tonight! Sure why not, I mean it’s not like anything that goes on in this house is fucking normal! I came home from work and she proceeded to tell me that she got Gia a bag of bones and we would put a candle in one of them and she picked up Gia a plushy toy, because you know Gia loves plushy toy and we were all going to sing Happy Birthday to her because she knows it’s her birthday! Silly me, wouldn’t expect anything less!!! For the record Gia knew absolutely NOTHING about it being her birthday, she saw a bone and wanted the fucking bone, like MOST DOGS!
In case you’re all wondering, Bianca is doing much better, the pain is decreasing and we are no longer hearing about fish with no heads!
Now that the house is officially ready for Christmas, we however are not! Then again, I don’t think we’re ever ready for Christmas. We always have this grand plan to start shopping little by little by early November, but that always remains a “grand plan”. We have so many damn kids that it takes forever to finish shopping. The rate we’re going, we should be done shopping for them by Easter. Ah well, at least we’ll be ahead of the game next year! Of course that idea will never fly with my wife so onward we go into the pits of shopping hell.
So the other day my wife called me while I was at work all excited. I asked what she was so excited about, at first I thought it was because she missed me, buuuuuuuuut NO, she told me she got her AARP card in the mail. Now, I don’t known ANYONE that would be excited to get an AARP card but then you have MY wife! She starts talking to me about all the discounts and deals she gets by being a member and in my head I’m thinking, “wait, what the hell she retired from?” From the discounts and deals, she proceeded to tell me that she went to Dunkin’ Donuts and used her card and got a coffee for $1 and a free strawberry donut. I’m trying to figure out as quickly as possible what response would get me in the least amount of trouble, so I said “that’s great babe, so where we going for dinner?” That was good right?
My wife decides that we were going to Denny’s for dinner because the only two restaurants that took AARP was Denny’s and Outback. Listen, I’m not one for complaining because a dinner tab adds up with 7 people.. Denny’s it is! Ok, first of all, why are Denny’s still around? They are the creepiest fucking restaurants I’ve ever stepped foot in. It’s like that restaurant or diner in a scary movie that the family who’s car runs out of gas goes into and everything is eerie and you’re just waiting for someone to kill you! Of course our little guy thinks it’s the coolest place in the world because they have that claw game in the lobby and he gets a Shrek cup with his meal.
Meanwhile, the guy sitting next to me knocked on the window separator scaring the life out of me, literally just slid a coupon under the window without saying a word! I looked at my wife and said, “really, where the fuck are we right now? Is this the friggen twilight zone or an episode out of Tales of the Crypt!” The waiters were all monotone and lethargic as if some alien was sucking the life out of them when they went back into the kitchen. I was waiting for this fucker to come out with the check and thank us for being patrons of his fine establishment:
Can we get this shit to go please and thank you! The best thing about this whole situation is the creepy dude with the coupon got us 20% off when my wife’s AARP card was giving us 15% off, so FUCK YOU AARP and your creepy restaurant! So after we get home my wife goes on the AARP website and looks at me and says, “oh hunny, there’s so many restaurants we can go to, not just Denny’s and Outback.” NOW you decide to look at the friggen website? Didn’t that card come with instructions?! How about you jump on that website and see what kind of deals this AARP card can get us for Christmas shopping!
I’m not sure if I mentioned it in previous blogs that with school in session the kids are walking virus’ and our house has become their incubator. Well in the beginning of this week I ended up getting sick and ended up sleeping the entire day on Tuesday. Now I stayed home from work to rest and sleep because I was sick, so my wife comes into the bedroom and turns on the light and says to me, “you sleep like the dead”. I’m sorry I thought that was the point! No? Silly me! In any event she told me that the school called to pick up Anthony (our 9 year old) from school because he wasn’t feeling well and had a headache. So she tells me that he’s in his room and he’s in there for the night. Apparently she quarantined both of us. Well the little guy decided that instead of getting up and going to the bathroom, tossing his cookies on his bedroom floor and then laying across his bed like he partied too hard the night before was more appropriate. I hear my wife taking care of him and meanwhile I feel like I got hit by a Mack truck and the ran over by a fucking bus and I’m in our room like this:
How does a headache a little bit of vomit trump that? This virus took me out for two days! I swear the next time any one of these kids gets sick again, I’m lining them all up and spraying them down with lysol! Oh stop..I’ll give them goggles but I will be all up in the Gaydy House like this:
So today our daughter Bianca had all four of wisdom teeth pulled. So was so nervous this morning when I left for work, which prompted me to immediately remind my wife to go live on periscope with her as soon as she comes out of the anesthesia because you all know that shit is hysterical! Listen footage is footage, gotta take the good with the bad! In any event she’s high on Percocet and talking about how she wants a pretzel dog when she can eat again and how Mom gets a free strawberry donut with her AARP card! Poor thing… stupid wisdom teeth.
Let’s end on the fact that Cesar Millan and Jackson Galaxy need to get their asses over to the Gaydy House STAT! Last night I’m taking a shower and I look down and our pup decided that walking through our shower with me was NOT crossing any boundaries. I attempted to declare my role as the Alpha in the house and how the shower is off limits to him. I thought it was going pretty well because he was sitting there looking at me, but then he started wagging his tail and then walked away like a little asshole. I come out into the living room to relax on the couch and I hear chirping sounds coming from the Christmas tree. Low and behold there’s our kitten Gypsy sitting in the fucking center of tree like a damn ornament playing fucking peek-a-boo! Now I have to fix the kitten size hole in the back of our tree this weekend!
I’ve come to the conclusion that there is NEVER a dull moment in this house, until next time………….
Back to our regularly scheduled programming today folks! So I think I left off that my wife had convinced me in an evil plotting type of way to start Christmas shopping with her last weekend. I’m not even sure how it happened, I thought we were shopping for a fucking front door wreath. I was all for Cyber shopping man, sitting home all comfy just ordering all kinds of shit. Free shipping, yes please, gift wrapping, yes please, but noooooooo we have to take part in the Christmas spirit and duck and dodge through isles looking for gifts. I’m not even sure why I go, everything I pick out for the girls, my wife gives me this look:
You all know that look! The look of utter disgust and disgrace, that’s when I toss it in the bin and go look at something completely irrelevant to Christmas presents. I later come to find out that after dragging me around stores for three hours and me following like a little lost puppy dog, she came home and started ordering things online! I found this out by her showing me a list of things she already bought on her phone. There’s no way the kids will get out of me what they’re getting for Christmas, because I have absolutely NO clue. I’ll be just as surprised come Christmas morning as the kids.
I made the sound decision to tell our little guy that Santa isn’t real. My wife quickly put the kibosh to that. She’s telling me that he should figure it out for himself! No, no he shouldn’t! Listen, at some point these kids are going to learn that Santa isn’t real, why drag it on? Besides, I’m getting real tired of some strange old man in a red suede suit that only comes around once a year on a magical fucking sled led by flying fucking reindeer, making our kids, “dreams come true” and getting all the damn credit! Think about it. Your kids don’t know it’s actually us draining our bank accounts on them for Christmas, running around like assholes looking for everything on their lists, fighting people for the last hottest item to hit Toys R’Us. Who gets the credit… a fucking old man that lives in the North Pole freezing his ass off all year, surrounded by elves and reindeer!
If I was a kid again, I’d be investigating the shit out Santa. Come on kids, think about it, how does he know where you live, even when you moved? How does he always know when your sleeping so he can come into your house and leave presents? What if you don’t have a fireplace, don’t you wonder how the hell he gets in? How come everyone Santa in the mall looks different and where the hell is his wife, why ain’t she showing her face? You know why? Because SANTA is not real, you’re parents are Santa and are now broke ass Santa’s, but lets all belt out “Santa is the best” on Christmas morning; and by the way, we eat the stale cookies and warm milk that’s been sitting out all damn night!
Every time I see a different Santa in the mall I’m like:
Don’t even get me started on the damn Easter Bunny…that over grown freak of bunnies, we’ll talk about that fuckery later on!
Rant over, moving on. So this weekend I had to decorate the outside of the house, because ya know “Christmas is coming” as my wife reminds me on a daily basis! Now, here’s the run down on the outside decorations, last year I wrapped the banisters in those pre-lit green garland things and wired it into our porch light. Why you ask, well to begin with we have NO FUCKING OUTSIDE OUTLETS. How do you build a house and NOT put outlets outside?! I mean I get it that the house was built in the 40’s but I’m pretty sure they had electrical fucking appliances back then! Any who, my beautiful wife decided that last years outside decorations weren’t enough! Of course I can’t say no, I mean I can, but honestly I’m too afraid to say no to my wife so off to the store we go to get more decorations for outside. Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to get these decorations to turn on when I only have one fucking porch light! My wife and our daughter Alessandra had a whole cart full of decorations in a matter of 2.5 seconds. Hold up you overly happy Christmas outside decorators. I managed to convince them to get two things, which were a set of three Christmas trees and a set of 3 Christmas presents.
So here I am outside in 30 degree weather, pitch black trying to Griswald the fuck out of our house and wire our new outside decorations into one source of power, hoping that this doesn’t happen:
After about an hour, I finally figured it all out and now the wife has more outside decorations and is happy! It’s ok if I have frost bite on my ears and fingertips.. all that matters is that the Gaydy House is a little bit more festive this year!
There’s something about this time of year that everyone seems to lose their damn minds! I’m not sure if its the rushing around, finding the perfect gifts, or maybe, just maybe its Christmas Carols on repeat 24-7. Listen, I’m festive, I like Christmas, but do we have to spend every waking minute listening to “Baby It’s Cold Outside”? NO SHIT.. it’s fucking December! Better yet, do we have to keep listening to Jingle Bells and Silent Night? Silent Night depresses me, because there’s never a fucking SILENT NIGHT IN THIS HOUSE! Every day its Christmas Carols and Egg Nog, it’s like I’m in Christmas Hell and there’s no way out! Listen, there is only so much egg nog a person can drink before their arteries start to fucking close up on them! My wife is all smiley, singing Christmas carols, holding coffee with egg nog as creamer, scrolling through Amazon and Pinterest for presents and I’m sitting over here like:
Everyone is just a little Christmas cracked if ya ask me!