I’ve come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no point in weekends. Think about it for a second, what’s the point in having two days off if you’re really not “off”? What’s the point of having those “not really off two days” if they go by faster than a category 5 hitting a tropical island? I think whenever the work week was decided, we all should have been included in the decision making process! I think strike is in order. I know all you full-time workers/parents get what I’m saying.. so who’s with me? Let’s strike!!!!
Our Saturday morning started out earlier than expected and by earlier I mean 3:30am. Why so early you ask… let me enlighten all of you. Remember our puppy mutt Teddy? First, let me give you a little background on Teddy. The only time this dog barks is when someone comes to the door, he’s chasing a cat around the house or if he sees kids or another dog outside. Other than that the dog doesn’t bark. Housebreaking this dog has become Mission Impossible. At one point we had wee-wee pads set up all over the house as if they were mines! It was legit an obstacle course in the house between the wee-wee pads and the cats. You had to be extremely flexible just to get from the front door to the kitchen without tripping and falling. Eventually he got the point, not too long ago.
Which brings me to 3:30 a.m. Saturday morning. Here I am sleeping so sound, like a little baby all swaddled in a blanket dreaming of a deserted island with my wife, no animals and kids, a drink in hand and all of sudden it happened! Brace yourselves…. I awoke rather quickly to Teddy claiming me by fucking pissing on me! Yes… I was awake at 3:30 in the morning because our 8 month old puppy decided to piss on me. I know, you’re all probably sitting there going, “oh wow, that’s just gross”. Oh stop it! As if none of you have been pissed on in the middle of the night by your animals. I jumped out of bed and yelled “What the fuck is wrong with you? Answer me? Why would you do that?” I realize now that I was talking to a dog and no response would ever come except him wagging his tail in excitement. NO, this is not a good boy.. good boys don’t piss on their owners, especially while their owners are fucking sleeping.
Now I’m not sure what was running through his pea sized brain at that particular time he decided to life his leg. Maybe he had a dream that I got stung by a stingray and felt the need to piss on me to save my life. Maybe he was so excited that he got the wee-wee pad thing down, that in his sleep he assumed I was a wee-wee pad. My wife tried extremely hard not to burst into a fit of laughter, while Gia, the princess managed to pick her head up for a hot second and then burrow into the blankets. “This is my bed, my room, my house, I’m the boss, I’m your master!!” I angrily proclaimed. My wife reminded me that I was proclaiming my dominance to a dog that clearly didn’t give a shit, because he had laid back down on my pillow and fell asleep! Thank god for mattress covers. I threw the dogs out of the room, stripped the bed, put on clean sheets and jumped in the shower. The whole time my face looked like this:
I thought that I could just fall back to sleep.. yea nope. Our little guy decided that he was going to wake up at 4 in the morning to practice his water bottle flipping. What the fuck is going on here? I got up and went into his room and asked what would possess him to practice water bottle flipping at 4 am? To my surprise he was dressed in his halloween costume from last year (Inflatable Baymax- google it) holding his guitar in one hand! Where the fuck am I right now? Please baby jesus for the love of my sanity tell me this is a dream! I thought about smacking myself in the face to see if I woke up but then I realized that would just hurt and lets face it, I was just pissed on by a dog. He looked at me and said, “mommy I have an idea for a video. I’m going to play my guitar, flip the water bottle all while I’m in my costume!” I immediately thought to myself, one college tuition saved because he’ll join a fucking circus. I had no words, I just turned around, went to the kitchen and made coffee. Boy, did I pick a bad time to stop smoking and drinking!
Moving on… apparently Saturday morning was the morning for everyone to get up early! Soccer in the morning for the Circus boy, then football in the afternoon. Our oldest son came up to have coffee with us before heading to work. The girls were unlocked from their rooms and came down as well. The cats joined us all for coffee as well, because clearly they too think they run this shit! Our son Mike is an avid hunter and fisherman. He spent his Friday touring the beautiful landscape, fishing and scoping out spots for hunting. He decided to tell us over coffee that when you hunt you have no choice but to go to the bathroom in the woods and that its the most free feeling in the world. Ok, listen buddy, I just got pissed on by a dog, woke up to a circus in the room next to me, are you telling me I should go out in our backyard and pop a squat to feel free? If so, sign my ass up!
Saturday night was just as fun filled as our day. CJ our oldest daughter’s boyfriend came to visit and for some reason he carries icy hot with him? Not sure why. Not asking either. In any event our youngest daughter decides that she wants to see what happens if she puts it on her face. I’m all about learning your lessons so I’m not saying a word! Within two minutes she starts saying “oh my god its burning, its burning!” I calmly sat there vaping away shaking my head yes and saying, ICY HOT… HOT being the key word in that! All the kids are in the living room and a history debate breaks out between Mike, Ale and CJ. Don’t look at me, I hated school. Ale blurts out that Osama Bin Laden was the president of Saudi Arabia. Wow. That’s all I have to say… just fucking W-O-W.
This morning started out a little better than yesterday. I managed to not get pissed on, however the boy was up at 6:30 a.m. instead of 4 a.m. Seriously WHY DO YOUNG KIDS NOT SLEEP?! Do they not know what they’re missing out on?! I want to go back to being 9 so I can sleep all fucking day and not have a damn thing to worry about other than flipping fucking water bottles! For the love of childbirth SLEEP LATE!!!!! The cats were congregated outside our door like a damn mob squad ready to make a hit! Creepy bastards, go find something to do, it’s too early! Why do cats do that? Why do they congregate outside a door waiting to pounce. I often wonder what they’re thinking, or saying to each other in their meows. Seriously, are they sitting there telling the youngest cat to claw at the door? Are they all waiting outside the door so when I step I fall? Are they plotting my death or are they discussing a plan on how to wake us up so they can eat? Sneaky bastards, I’m onto you all. I know what your game plan!
Last night in a bit of a stupor I decided to go apple picking today. I quickly realized what that entailed for me, which was walking miles and miles through apple trees, picking apples, fighting with bugs and carry out thousands of bags of apples that no one could possibly eat in a lifetime. So I came up with a plan over coffee. I do my best planning over coffee. When everyone woke up I said “ok guys, there’s this really cool farm with a store and they have all kinds of great things! When we got there, I marched my ass right into the store, like a boss, showed them the apples that were already picked and said, “have it kiddos”! I win… for today anyway!
This is very unlike me to be blogging so much. However with yesterday being National Sandwich Day and finding out that TODAY is National Candy Day I decided that a sarcastic rant from yours truly was in order. I had no idea that today was National Candy Day until I signed onto twitter. Thank you baby Jesus for social media or I would have absolutely no clue what’s going on in the world! Don’t get yourselves excited over a day honoring sugary, teeth-rotting goodies because November 4th is NOT solely dedicated to candy. Uh huh, yep it’s true… November 4th is also National Jersey Friday, which apparently you’re suppose to wear a “jersey”. Shit! Welp there goes that celebration because I’m wearing a 3 button collared shirt, there’s always next year!
Today, is also National Stress Awareness Day. Today you’re supposed to identify and reduce stress factors in your life! Like I actually needed a day annually to identify my stresses? Every day is National Stress Awareness Day for me, 24-7 baby. Clearly the National Day Calendar deciding people don’t know what goes on inside the Gaydy House or how many children and animals we have? Seriously, have they not read the past blogs? Do they not hear the condescending tone to my writing? Whose in charge of making National Days anyway? Okay I’ll play along with this one. First let me identify my stresses. Got it! Okay my stress are parenting, work, bills, mortgage, adulting, dogs, cats and children! Now, reduce the stress factors in my life. Ummmmm okay got that too– I quit, I am now going to color for the rest of my life, I’m not paying bills or mortgage, definitely done adulting, hey kids get the hell out time to be independent, buy one dog get the second free and 7 cats for a bottle of Jack Daniels. DONE!
November 4th is also National Chicken Lady Day! Okay I’ll admit, when I first saw this on the National Day Calendar (YEEEEESSSS there’s really such a thing) I was super excited until I clicked on it and read what it actually is. The name is quite deceiving and I will gently break your hearts because mine was shattered rather quickly. No, it is not a day where ladies celebrate by doing the chicken dance all day long! Apparently National Chicken Lady Day is honoring some female doctor who spent 12 years working for the largest chicken restaurant in the world as the Director of Community Relations and Training (I wish you all could see my face right now as I typed that). It kind of looks like this:
I’m not even sure how to react to National Chicken Lady Day. Actually, I lied. Sad, I feel sad. I want a National Day dammit! I have a wife, 5 kids, 2 dogs and 7 cats and haven’t managed to end up in a straight jacket or on a talk show like Maury or Jerry Springer, haven’t lost a kid, I mean a dog or a cat… can a sista get a fucking day?!
In case you all want to keep up to date on the National Days so you’re not left out of the loop, here’s the link for the National Day Calendar. Makes a great gift idea too
National Day Calendar
Anywho… so don’t forget to spend today honoring candy, the fucking chicken lady and identify and reduce your stresses!
Happy Hump Day peeps! It’s Wednesday and I’m still trying to recover from Halloween. However, you can all rest easy in knowing that my lips are now back to their normal shape and the burning has subsided. I had previously mentioned that we had 5 kids and that our youngest was 9. Now, I’m not sure if it’s a 9 year old thing or if it’s just our 9 year old but how do you get them to shut up? Now, I know you think that’s mean but come on… how can a 9 year old possibly have THAT much to talk about?! There’s only so much Pokemon one person can take. Last night at dinner he started telling us this whole story about recess and how him and his friends were playing football. Now I would go on to tell you the rest of his story, but I zoned out, saw black and was snapped back into reality by the drool leaking from my open mouth. Meanwhile my wife with all the patience in the world is like “Ants, honey, hold that thought for a minute so we can say Grace!” A minute? Really? How about we wrap this up, say Grace, have silence and eat AMEN!
He just turned 9 on the 17th of October. We and by “we” I mean my wife decided that we should get him a basketball net for his birthday. Oh yay, one more thing I have to put together. Now I totally understand her reasoning behind the basketball net. Get the kid outside, fresh air, tire his little ass out and he knocks out at night, right? No! Apparently that was my reasoning behind it, her reasoning was so that he would spend less time on his iPod and iPad and play outside. She’s clearly the better parent in this relationship. In any event we give him his basketball net the morning of his birthday, 7:30 a.m. to be exact. He was so excited that he instructed me to put it together right away. I told him that he had school and I had work and I would see what time I got home. Did anything in that sentence, give away anything that I would put it together immediately? Didn’t think so. That’s another thing with 9 year olds… THEY DO NOT FORGET A DAMN THING!!!! Every 10 minutes for the next three days this kid asked me when I was putting the hoop up, even on a rainy day! So I did what any good parent would do and recruited the help of my oldest son and my oldest daughter’s boyfriend to put that shit together. Delegate baby.. delegate!
Now you would think that when the hoop went up, we wouldn’t see the kid, given how excited he was when he opened his present? Yea, no. He went outside for literally 5 minutes, came in and went on his iPod. DUDE! You broke my balls (I don’t even have any) for 3 straight days and you play with it for 5 minutes.. you better get your ass outside play until it’s dark, turn on the porch light bring a blanket and pillow and sleep underneath that thing! Needless to say the basketball hoop has been untouched since that day. It does however accent the front of our house very nicely.
Lets move on to something else shall we? I believe it was the day after Halloween I had tweeted a picture of our dog Gia dressed up as a bat. If you recall I previously mentioned our dogs and how my wife treats them like children. Gia is a 2 year old Yochon and Teddy is a 10 month old Jack Russell Bichon Yorkie Mix. Like most animal lovers I can understand that dogs are apart of your family, but there’s boundaries people. My wife has a difference of opinion on the boundaries. These two dogs have absolutely NO MANNERS! They’re rude. They beg for table food, they don’t respect personal space, they lick everything, they think the bed is solely theirs and they only share it with my wife. RUDE! I go to bed at night and one dog lies in between my wife and I and the other has to lay on my pillow, which turns into him sleeping directly on-top of my head! I end up without blankets because my wife tucks them in at night. No worries babe, I’m good, I’ll just throw on sweatpants, a scarf, a hoodie and some socks, just make sure the DOGS ARE COVERED!
There’s even times when I hear my wife say “hi baby… I love you” and I think she’s talking to me until I look over and see she’s holding one of the dogs. If there’s leftovers from dinner I have to call dibs on that shit for lunch the next day or she’ll feed it to the dogs. Steak, chicken, pasta… what are you doin? That’s what kibbles and fuckin’ bits are for…. DOGS!
Whatever they want, my wife gets them. Lets first discuss their wardrobes. Gia has a bin.. an ENTIRE bin full of clothes. According to my wife, Gia gets very happy about clothes and likes to get dressed up? Okay… this is what I was talking about when I mentioned boundaries. Dogs get excited when you call them little assholes in a very sweet tone, dogs get excited when they sniff each others’ asses. Gia and Teddy go once a month to get groomed and they get the whole shebang man. Bows, body spray, bandannas, the whole 9. I want to get a haircut every two weeks and my wife tells me that I’m excessive with my hair? Oh I’m sorry, didn’t realize that all of the above wasn’t excessive!!! Meanwhile, I still have the same clothes from three years ago. If I run out of good cologne, I have to wait until my birthday or Christmas or run my ass over to $5 and below and get a knock off brand! Am I missing something here? Someone, anyone, dog whisperer, for the love of baby Jesus please tell me what it is I’m missing!! Let’s take a look at the proof, shall we:
The above is just some of Gia’s attire. A fucking tutu? Really?
Now let’s take a look at Teddy:
Does he look like he really gives a shit that he’s wearing an Anchor t-shirt? Does he look like he’d get cold with all his friggen fur? The answer is NO!
Here’s one more picture to prove my point on boundaries with dogs:
Yes people, do not rub your eyes, do not blink or readjust your vision, you are actually seeing Adidas jumpsuits, (also known as, Adidog) for the fucking dogs! So not only are our dogs spoiled, they’re apparently in the running for the new reality show called Mob Dogs!
Now that things are slowly getting back to normal around here, and by “normal”, I mean my wife taking care of the kids! Glad that torture is over. So this past weekend, my wife and I had a long overdue “date night”. I think it’s important when you have children, let alone a small army of them, to get out and enjoy each other’s company without having to scream over their loud ass voices. We went to dinner and honestly, I have to say….I can’t remember the last time I’ve had ribs like that… man what a night! NO…no, what I meant to say was it was so nice to sit across from my wife and just have complete silence while eating. Damn it! No, what I’m trying to say is that it was nice having alone time with my wife! Well, I guess I’ll be sleeping with the dogs if the wife reads this. Oh wait, the dogs get more of the bed than I do. Hell forget cuddling, they turn into cujo and try to bite my face off! I guess I’ll be on the couch with the fucking cats!
Anyways…. Sunday morning over coffee my wife and I had an enlightening conversation. We were going through our Twitter feeds and she looked at me and said, “honey, the Real Mahatma Gandhi followed me, but wait isn’t he dead?” How the hell am I suppose to know if he’s dead.. what am I the Grim Reaper of philosophers? Am I supposed to keep a Book of Dead Philosophers to refer back to when you get a follower? I took her phone and looked at the profile and said, “well he’s not verified, and if it was the real Gandhi, I’m pretty sure he’d be verified, considering the cast of the Jersey Shore is verified!” She looked at me and said, “seriously, would Gandhi really have a Twitter?” My reply was very simple, “it’s 2016 everyone has a twitter, for fuck’s sakes, even animals have twitter accounts!” Have no fear people, a little Googling and I discovered that the Real Gandhi died and she’s being followed by an imposter! IMPOSTER, I say! Don’t worry, another Gandhi account with more followers followed my wife, so she followed that one back instead of the “Real” one.
As if that wasn’t enough excitement for a Sunday, we had a fun-filled evening of hanging a nice white bi-fold door to keep the cats from going upstairs to the girls bedrooms. Why are cats such assholes? Seriously they watched me hang this door and then with one flick of their fucking paw, they had it opened. If they could have spoken, they would have said, “stupid human, fuck you, I own this house and I shall take it over!” Now I had to friggen get a lock and McGyver that shit up so they couldn’t open the door! Mission accomplished… TAKE THAT you asshole cats!! Well, there’s one problem….. the girls are now locked up in their rooms! Sorry girls, just text us and we’ll unlock the door so you come out from your rooms!
Sunday night ended with my wife and two daughters trying out this lip balm that apparently makes your lips burn like you’ve doused them in gasoline and lit a match to them, but have no fear, they make your lips “full”. No, no, no they don’t make your lips full, they’re swollen from the burning heat of hell in lip gloss form! I sat on the couch watching all three of them wave their hands at their lips and their eyes well up with tears and I’m thinking.. just wash that shit off. After the inferno had subsided, they all sat there admiring each others’ fuller lips. So that ends our Sunday night, the girls are locked upstairs and the cats are pissed so they’re probably destroy the house out of spite, because cats are just assholes like that. I climb into bed and my wife leans over to give me a kiss and without thinking, I kiss her. I know, you’re all probably wondering why that’s a big deal? Well, take a gander a few lines up about the burning flames of hell in a bottle called lip injection extreme. See where this is headed? No, ok let me enlighten you.. when I kissed my wife goodnight the lip gloss rubbed off on mine and I immediately felt Satan’s wrath fall upon my lips! I screamed, “Babe!!!!! You have that shit on your lips, what the fuck?” Her response was, “oh the air has hit for a few minutes now, so you should be ok!” SHOULD BE? No… NO, just fucking NO, I don’t want my lips plump! Fanfuckintastic, now I’ll wake up in the morning looking like a damn futchy Kardashian! Thanks honey! Isn’t she pretty!?
Which brings me to Halloween! I hate Halloween and unfortunately for me I am surrounded by a family of freaks who love a day where we celebrate ghosts, ghouls, goblins and basically fucking dead people and by celebrating them we hand out free candy to hundreds of friggen kids we don’t know. I have enough kids in my damn house, why do I have to feed the neighborhood candy? Let’s all dress up and have a halloween party, my wife says? Now I will admit that I did wear a costume to work today and by costume I mean a shark onesie. My intention behind that was that in two hours of wearing that onesie I would change into jeans, a t-shirt and cons and remain comfortable for the remainder of my Monday. See what I did there?! For all you comfort clothed people, take notes! My wife texted me right before I left for work to inform me that there were so many kids coming to the door. Not sure how she wanted me to react to this.. so I said “wow, that’s great!” When in reality, I’m thinking bastards better be done when I get home, or all the lights are going off and we’re hiding! So here we are… a Witch (my wife- no really I’m not being a smartass, that’s her costume), a shark (me- keep in mind I am now sweating my ass off, and may pass out from heat exhaustion any minute because my wife wants to have a Halloween Party), Minnie Mouse, A cow and Luigi who is passed out over a supply of candy wrappers! The only smart one is the one at college, dressed in normal fucking clothes. I sent him a text and told him to stay out as late as possible! Save yourself buddy!
Happy Monday and Happy Halloween from The Gaydy's!