Well hello out there! I figured last week I would skip the blog and post the beautiful work of my wife. Given all the devastation that has transpired over the last few weeks, I figured my sarcastic, twisted mind would have added more devastation. Hence, the poem my wife wrote being posted in lieu of a blog. Hope you all enjoyed it!
Now back to business.. Sorry for the little sidebar, but I just have to share with all of you that as I was typing "Now back to business" Beyonce's song Run the World just popped into my head! For a brief moment I broke out into this:
Now that, that's all out of my system, let's get onto the recent Gaydy Adventures. So last weekend we, and by we I mean my lovely wife, our daughters and myself, went up to Maryland to see our niece debut in a play. Our little guy had a football game and Mike was working, so we took the opportunity to have a girls' weekend away. The drive to Maryland wasn't bad. I mean not much to look at while you're driving up, but it was about a 2 and a half hour drive. I, of course could not listen to any of my music because you know, my music sucks. So the girls had complete control over what we listened to. Which of course entailed switching 3 chargers around while I'm driving on an interstate! I'm all for having a vast variety of music to listen too but when your going from Nikki Minaj to Phantom of the Opera to Disney back to Migos, you kind of feel like:
To immediately feeling like:
Have no fear, because about a half hour before we arrived at the hotel, my wife and I started playing the soundtrack to Rent and singing. I look in the rear view mirror and I see this:
Although our girls didn't actually say that, we pretty much know that they were thinking how dare they touch the music in the car that they bought and we don't own!
We got to the hotel around 4pm, which gave us some time to settle in and meet up with our family and have some dinner before heading over to the campus to see our Niece's play. Now, the play was called Major Barbara and our niece was Major Barbara. The only thing I understood about the play was that everyone spoke in a British accent. I honestly can not tell you what the plot of the play was, what it was about or the background on the play. However, I will tell you I was in my glory listening to all the British accents flying around! Not to mention the fact that our Niece was phenomenal. So after the play we got to go see her dorm room and meet our Furnephew Hamlet, who by the way had a shark costume on!
Can we just briefly talk about living on campus for a second. I mean I totally get why kids do it, but it is definitely not something for me. Me being the nosey person I am, I start walking around to ya know, check it out. So the dorm room has three bedrooms, then a little lobby area that had a sink, mini fridge and coffee pot, then a door to the right where the toilet was and a door to the left where the shower was. Nope, no, nah! First of all I don't share coffee. Secondly I don't share a sink and lastly why the hell ain't the toilet in the same room as the shower? So as I'm "investigating", I look like this:
I have to give my niece and any kid that lives on campus, because If I had to share a room and a bathroom with a complete stranger, I'd be like
Right off the bat I'd be like, full name, social security number, date of birth and mother's maiden because I'm running a background check on you there "roomie"!
So the next morning we get up for breakfast and the girls head down and immediately get in line, while my wife and I are roaming aimlessly trying to find the coffee. After breakfast we headed back home. Now remember how I told you that Maryland was only 2 and a half hours away? Well about 45 minutes into the ride, the girls start talking about food. Alessandra all of a sudden goes, "I smell McDonald's!" If she can smell McDonald's while we are on an interstate with the windows rolled up then I'm putting a patent on her and making some money off of her! Bianca starts talking about smelling Wendy's and I'm all like:
You know why I was like that? Because they just ate breakfast 45 minutes ago and now I have to hunt down a McDonald's or Wendy's so that they can get something to eat to avoid the hangry mood from creeping up on us! So needless to say it took us a little longer than 2 and a half hours but in the end the girls were happy and I was happy because they were so distracted eating I got to play my music!
So in the last blog I shared some "documentaries" of the girls attempting to kill stinkbugs, which are located on our Bonus Features page. Well the Stink Bugs have returned and the stories I've heard while at work are endless. I'll give you one scenario. My wife and Bianca are home alone and there were two giant stink bugs in her room. I know this because on my lunch break I usually call my wife to just say hi. Well when I called her, the first time it went to voicemail, so I called back. She answers the phone all out of breathe and I immediately ask what's wrong. Her response: "We have a serious situation here, like a serious situation!" So of course my mind starts wandering into the worst case scenario until she comes out with, "there are two giant stink bugs in Bianca's room and it's just us here!"
I'm sorry, that is NOT a friggen serious situation! Damn women going to give me a heart attack with these calls! So I'm on the phone and I hear Bianca screaming in the background like she's getting killed. It's actually pretty impressive, not a break for a breathe of air, it's just one, long giant scream. My wife is on the phone yelling "eww, eww, Oh my god, oh my god! Meanwhile I'm on the other end like:
With that I was like, "okay hunny, I have to go back to work, love you!" I mean what the hell am I suppose to do? Needless to say my wife got the stink bugs and managed to record it too. It was like watching the Blair Witch Project, only involving stink bugs instead of spirits.
So this weekend, my wife and I decided to escape for a weekend up to our friends Scott and Peggy's house, which is upstate Pennsylvania. Friday night we left after I got out of work and got up there about 9pm, so we had a few drinks and then Scott and I started to watch the movie Zodiac, only to be woken up by our respective wives that it was time to go to bed. Saturday Scott and I started the morning off with a drink and jacuzzi, which of course then led us both to taking naps before heading out for dinner! Saturday night we all decided that we would watch a movie with the fireplace going. Of course I was outnumbered because all of them are horror movie freaks, where I am a giant pussy when it comes scary movies! Like seriously, my inner girl comes out and my wife's inner butch comes out when there's a scary movie on. I am the one that will sit scrunched down with the blanket up to my chin and a pillow in front of my face. Meanwhile, my wife is sitting there like:
Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you! People are getting possessed by demons, killed violently, tortured and you're all like this movie is great! Which brings me to the conversation my wife had with Peggy while they were searching for a movie. Peggy says to my wife, "I can watch people getting blunged to death but hurt an animal or a baby and that's where I draw the line!" My wife turns around and says, "Exactly!" I'm sorry but ..... WHAT THE FUCK?! Let me get this straight.. you can watch someone take an axe repeatedly to the head, brains flying all over the place but the minute a cat or a dog gets hurt you can't watch?
As if watching The Bye Bye Man wasn't pure torture for me, they decided make me watch the Grudge and Grudge II. Ya know what, next time I'm making you all watch shark movies where your innocent little seals get swallowed up whole! How you like me now?!
Leaves are falling, the nights are getting chilly, every where you go there's something with fucking Pumpkin Spice in it.. ahhh, Fall is in the air! With fall finally arriving, so do those little multi-legged creatures that have absolutely NO manners and think they can just creepy crawl into anyone's house like they own it, being all like:
Now, by now it's not a secret that our girls, my wife and myself hate hate bugs of all types. I don't care if you're a cute little lady bug and you bring good luck; if you fly by my head and land on me we're going to have a problem. That being said, now that it's getting colder outside at night the girls are finding more creepy little creatures trying to get warm in their rooms. Which means, screaming like someone is getting murdered has now commenced! With the screaming, they manage to utter shrills of "Mommmmmmmmmy, hurry there's a bug, kill it", follows! Which leaves me sitting on the couch like:
You like that transition into the recent adventure of the Gaydy Bunch huh?? All of the above leads me to last Tuesday night when my wife and I were relaxing on the couch and I had an itch on the side of my armpit but towards the back. You know the spot that you can't reach? So I said, "baby scratch my armpit?" All of a sudden she smacked me! Which totally caught me off guard so naturally I was like:
She was all like:
So I looked at her and was like.. "Babe what the hell?" In the midst of her hysterical laughter she's like you said it itched? Oh so smack my arm, that should help!
All of sudden we heard the girls scream, followed by several bangs, then more screams! At this point Tammy is like "oh my god what's going on up there?" Meanwhile I'm setting up the video camera on my phone because I just KNOW there's going to be some good footage! Of course I go upstairs (while I'm video taping) and our two girls are taking turns screaming at each other. Now they're not screaming AT each other, they were more or less just taking turns at screaming! I asked what the hell was going on and Alessandra hands me a bag and screams for me take it out because apparently there was a stinkbug inside of it. While she's holding the bag, I'm all like:
So after I disposed of the stink bug, I sit back on the couch and continue relaxing and then it happened!!! My wife starts screaming from the kitchen that there's a HUGE bug in the kitchen and for me to come kill it! What the fuck? Was I wearing a friggen exterminator outfit that was only visible to my wife and daughters? At this point I'm now like:
Up again and into the kitchen this time, BUT not before I turn on the video camera! She shows me the "HUGE" bug and it was legit the size of my thumbnail. I looked at my wife like:
Looked at the bug and said, "this is the 'HUGE' bug you're screaming about? With that, she looked at me like:
Then responded, "yes, kill it please?" Yes honey as you wish!
After that fiasco I went to bed! The next day on my way to work, I called my wife, like I normally do. At first I was like damn, that's one sexy morning voice and then I was like HOLD UP! I swear it sounded like Satan answered the phone and was like can I take a message for her! I said, "Babe?" Then heard a demonic voice and I was like, "okay hunny you sound like a demon I'm gonna go. Love you bye!" I'm driving to work like:
Not today Satan... NOT-TO-DAY! So my wife calls me and I admit I was bit hesitant as to whether or not to answer the phone. So I answer the phone and I'm all like, "ahhhh hello?" My wife comes back with, "sorry I missed your call?" Missed my what? Wait.. I called, Satan answered and you're telling me you didn't answer your phone?
So I tell her that I called her and the phone answered and I heard a voice that sounded creepy and she's all like "Babe, I didn't answer my phone!" Then she proceeds to tell me that her phone has been acting weird and going into apps by itself and dialing numbers by itself and how she thinks her phone is possessed! I'm like Oh hellllllllll no, we are taking that shit right back to AT&T. MmmMmm Mama Kris ain't playing!
Could you all imagine me walking into AT&T with her phone?! A rep walks up to me and says, "Welcome to AT&T how can we help you today?" and I'm like "yes, Satan is setting up camp in this phone he's your problem now, we'll take the 7plus thanks!" Listen AT&T I don't care what you have to do, burn the shit, douse it with holy water, light candles, pray over it but it is not coming back here! Hell no.. no pun intended!
Listen if Apple is gonna keep making phones can we keep the devil out of them? I mean I know you all got some kind of competition going with Android but the Devil.. come on bro... you better than that! Put some Jesus into your phone or something! When I call my wife and Jesus answers and is all like:
You KNOW it's gonna be a good day!