I suppose I could bore you all with the specific details on how our paths crossed and how we became a family of 7. What fun would that be? I mean If I start from the beginning ya’ll would just get bored and then stop reading. See what i did there? I’m not even sure what I did there but I can guarantee my demented mind had a reason behind the typing. Moving on…
No better place to start with than the present. I mean if you follow Rafiki’s words from the Lion King religiously, then you would totally understand that “it doesn’t matter, it’s in the past”. Yea so what if I just actually quoted a fictional Rastafarian Monkey who meditates. You have Gandhi, I have Rafiki, let’s keep it moving people.
Alright, I guess a little background has to be given, but I’m only giving you a little. My wife and I are legally married (in simpler terms “lesbians”). We have 5 biological children ranging from the ages of 9 all the way up to 27 (2 girls and 3 boys). We also have 2 dogs. My wife likes to think of them as our children as well, I mean as if 5 kids weren’t enough, lets throw two dogs into the mix and put clothes on them and call them kids. She’s pretty! We also have 7 cats. Yes 7 fucking cats! Somehow I became the lesbian cat woman, and I wasn’t even trying! Honestly, I just lost count of how many we had before I kept saying yes, I’m really bad at math! Clearly we have a hard time saying “no” to our daughters. I go to work and support this small army, while my wife stays home and runs the house and the kids, cuz Jesus knows this mama ain’t got time for that.
I like going to work, it’s like a field trip everyday away from the chaos that ensues inside the blue house. My wife even packs me a lunch and coffee every morning and sends me on my way. I’m trying to figure out if she thinks I’m one of the kids or if she just can’t wait to get rid of me in the morning. Something to ponder I suppose. Any who… the kids are pretty regimented when it comes to morning routines and the like. I mean my wife has these kids standing at attention for bunk checks in the morning. Teeth brushed, hair combed, down for breakfast within 10 minutes of waking them up. Which brings me to the past three weeks.
In the beginning of October my wife had a 2 level cervical fusion from an injury that was caused by a car accident. I dreaded the day the surgery came… mostly because I had to take care of the kids! What? She’s fine… jeeeeez! Be more afraid that I was left in charge of the kids than her coming out of the surgery ok. Now keep in mind that before the surgery, my wife made me write notes down on her routine with each child in the morning. As if i was actually listening! “Yes honey, got it”! So here I am the first morning after we’re home from the surgery and I have to take the kids to school. I woke up and stood in the kitchen like a deer in headlights. Immediately, everything she told me was just gone! I somehow I even forgot how to make coffee….for a hot minute! That came back real quick!
The first kid was easy, she’s 13, she can take care of herself right? After 15 minutes of running up and down the stairs because she kept falling back to sleep I finally just ripped off the covers and turned on every light she has in her room and repeatedly send her text messages until she woke up. Mom 1- Kids 0. Sweatpants, a hoodie, snapback, socks and adidas sandals with a coffee mug in hand off to take the first one to school. Back home by 7:15 a.m. This is cake! I mean this is what she has to do everyday…pssssh, I got the raw deal here, or so I thought!
I come home and I’m having more coffee and I start trying to remember what time she told me to wake the little guy up. I thought about going back into the bedroom and waking her up and asking her what time I had to wake Anthony up, but I thought that would be mean, so I sent her a text. Oh stop! It’s not like she read it, the Percocet was still in effect. I actually flipped a coin.. I thought about paper, rock, scissors but that’s just silly, you really can’t do that by yourself (believe me, I tried). Heads it is… 7:45 I’m waking his little ass up. The time came rather quickly. It was like I blinked and it was time to wake him up. So in his room I go. I immediately sensed a panic attack coming on. I mean do I pick out his clothes, or can 9 year old pick out clothes for themselves? Shit! I yelled “ANTS, get up bud, time for school, do your thing”! He just looked at me and said, “that’s not what mom does!” Awesome!!!!!!! My plan was working. I looked at him and said, “oh really now, so what exactly are the rules for the morning”? He proceeded to tell me that he gets dressed and makes his bed, and then I’m suppose to fix it up because he’s still little and can’t do it perfectly, then I make him breakfast, he eats, then brushes his teeth and does his hair. BAM, there it is.
I start thinking to myself, “I got this! No need to wake the boss, the little man just gave me the run down”! I mean I did later realize that I was taking advice from a 9 year old, but hey, whatever gets you through the day. Stay with me people! Luckily for me, the first day taking little man was pajama day at school! Out for breakfast he comes, so I gave him chocolate pocky for breakfast and a glass of milk? What? It’s very healthy.. have you ACTUALLY READ the ingredients? Didn’t think so. He looked up at me with a milk mustache and said “just a tip, mommy, mom always grabs my lunchbox and book bag after she wakes me up, because she makes my lunch while I’m getting ready, it’s just easier that way”. FUCK! I was about to leave this kid high and dry at school with no lunch! Thanks for the tip kiddo! I guess I should briefly touch on the pajamas. Little man goes in to give mom a kiss goodbye and I get a text message that says, “are you kidding me, that child looks like who did it and ran with that shirt that is too small on him”. Oh now you can text? Go back to sleep perky!
Off to school with the second child, the third one is up and out for work and the fourth is not far behind. On the way to school, little man says, “actually, this isn’t the way mom goes when we go to school in the morning”. Oh I’m sorry when did you get your license? Before I know it, I’m sitting in 10 minutes of traffic and he taps me on the shoulder and says, “it’s ok mommy, hopefully you get it before mom gets better!” I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed going to work so much than I did that day! Needless to say, I had three fun filled weeks of this. Now, I will say that at one particular point I got down on my knees and hugged my wife’s leg like a 2 year old child, slobbering all over my damn self asking her to please get the hell better fast!
Like my man Rafiki said, “we don’t see things as they are!”