Well here we are... Sunday evening and yes, we've managed to continue to keep it interesting in the Gaydy Household. Let's first start with end to last weekend, where my wife thought that it would be a good idea to take me food shopping with her. I hate food shopping.. it's extreme torture. She knows this. I mean you're walking aimlessly around a store, up and down isles, pushing a cart that never rolls smooth, with crowds of people, then standing in long lines, just to take out all the shit you put in the cart onto a conveyor belt, is not my idea of fun. I think I'd rather take a pencil to the eye than go food shopping. That's a little harsh.. no, no, I stand by my taking a pencil in my eye than going food shopping.
So my wife tells me that we're done food shopping and we can head to the line and I immediately do this:
Sorry to whoever got the broken box of cereal, but I was overcome with joy! That euphoria feeling of hearing this words "head to the line" was quickly ripped away from like taking candy from a baby when I saw the checkout line. Listen, it was a Sunday, you have a mob of people what's the point of only having 4 registers open when I clearly see you have 14? I'm sorry, but they're closed for what? Renovations? Candy stocking? What? You grocery store, you have absolutely NO reason other than making people stand in line wanting to do this:
So we finally make it to the front of the line and my wife starts instructing me on the order in which the groceries are suppose to go on the belt. For example, heavy things first, then frozen food, then cold items, then toiletries, and so on. Is this a thing? When did this become a thing? Just throw the shit on the belt and let's keep it moving. My wife's response isthat if you put the items in that order then the bags are organized and it's easier to unpack. I watched as the cashier put the items in the bag and it was definitely NOT in the order that we put them on the belt, so:
So after I clearly made my point, my wife's response was "remind me to never take you food shopping with me again", with this look:
Welp at least I get out of going food shopping now!
So Thursday my wife had texted me that she wanted to do something fun and different with the kids on Friday night. So of course I agree, because that's exactly what you should do! So she found this outdoor showingof Beauty and The Beast. The key word here is OUTDOOR. Now let's just forget for a moment that we've seen Beauty and The Beast about a thousand times and discuss the fact that this was outside! Kris doesn't do the outdoors. Kris doesn't like bugs of any kind. However, I am not one to disappoint the wife and kids and geared up for the outdoor festivities. So we had a blanket and picked up food on the way. In my head I was thinking, "this is cute it's like an outdoor picnic at night". Then when we laid the blanket down and I sat down and had a sharp object, some weird acorn with spikes, stabbed me right in the ass. Once that happened, that thought in mind quickly turned into:
So I managed to readjust my ass on the blanket and started eating my food I brought and then it happened! The fucking mosquitos came out like gang busters and starting biting me left and right. So here I am trying to adjust sitting on the ground surrounded by the creatures of the earth, eating and all I'm doing is this:
I mean what's a few 100 mosquitos bites anyway? Take one for the team right? All in all it was a pretty cool experience and the girls had fun so that's all that really matters.
Saturday we spent the day out and about and the headed to my sister-in-laws for a night of music, dancing and laughs. This is where it gets interesting. We get home around 1:30 in the morning and around 1:45 a.m. I hear the girls calling for me to come up because their toilet is clogged.No problem! Up the stairs with the plunger I go. As I'm plunging their toilet I hear my wife screaming my name from downstairs. So I respond with "I'm a little busy plunging hunny." With that she screams something and my daughters hear and say, "mom said the water is coming through the ceiling. Which immediately prompted this reaction from me:
I run downstairs to see our hallway with a nice size puddle of water and our light fixture looking like a lovely fishbowl with a light bulb floating around. At this point, I'm staring up at the light thinking, "how many beers are left in the refrigerator"? Then I remembered that there was one, which clearly wasn't going to be enough to deal with this shit show. So my wife is in the living room telling me that a fire is going to break out, which prompts our girls to start figuring out an escape route and how their going to gather all the cats up and get them to safety. Meanwhile, I'm standing on a chair trying to dismantle the light fixture to drain the water. No worries fam, if I get electrocuted you got my life insurance! No need to worry about me, I'm all goooooood!
I saw this all going down pretty bad, so I went downstairs and cut the main breaker and Mike (because he's taller people) got up on the chair as I'm holding my cell phone flash light instructing him how to take down the fixture. At the same time my wife decides NOW would be the perfecttime to light a candle. Long story short, we got the fixture off, the water drained and we stayed up until 4 in the morning convincing the girls that no fire would start and that they and the animals would be safe.
Which brings me to today! Sunday I spoke with our plumber and he was coming this afternoon to "assess" the situation. So I'm work and I get this text message from my wife saying they had a "situation at home". I immediately start panicking because I'm thinking more water was leaking or something else happened in the house. So I text her back and say "what situation?" She doesn't respond, so I grab my phone and go outside my office and call in a panic only to hear about this:
A fucking black caterpillar in the kitchen! Yep, I had a friggen heartachoke over a friggen caterpillar! A cute little fuzzy thing that turns into a beautiful butterfly! According to my wife and kids the caterpillar was "head banging" and this caused the situation! My reaction:
Well there ya have it, and so the adventures continue! Until next week.....
It's that time again peeps! Are you all excited to hear what adventures we managed to endure in only ONE week since the last blog? I know, I know.. I'm so excited myself to bare all with complete and total strangers for pure amusement. Monday was low key and then Tuesday late afternoon, I received a text from wife saying, "oh hunny, by the way, we're locked inside of the house". Now I can understand being locked OUT of the house, but how does one manage to get locked inside of the house. I'm sure by now you all know what my reaction to the text was. If not, here it is:
After work, I called her and asked how the hell she was locked inside the house. She proceeded to tell me that the lock to the screen door was jammed and they couldn't get out. Keep in mind we do have a side door to the house that leads into the garage and out of the house. I get home and go through the garage, which I HATE with a passion, because it's a garage and there's spider webs. So the whole time I'm trying to get through the garage into the side door I'm walking like this:
Seriously, I hate that garage, I want to burn it down! Light a match and be like:
Actually I would prefer to do that to this entire house. It's the friggen money pit! I'm waiting to get up in the middle of the night to get water and this happen:
Anyways... back to the story. So I get inside and I said to my wife, "what's wrong with the door?" She looks at me and then looks at the door, so I look at the door and see this, which I captured on my snapchat story:
So the above picture represents what I came home to. As you can clearly see from what the picture depicts up above... WE HAD NO FUCKING HANDLE LEFT ON THE SCREEN DOOR! It completely fell off. So hear I am, right after working all day, attempting to fix the door. My tools consisted of the following: flat tip screw driver, philips screw driver, a credit card, a butter knife and eye glass screw driver. All were epic fails so I brought out a steak knife. At that point I wasn't sure what the hell the steak knife was going to do, but I was two and half hours in to working on the door and it still look like the above picture.
My lovely wife was standing on the other side of the door from the inside, while mosquitos were feasting on my flesh asking me what I thought. Of course I glanced up looking like:
My response was simple, "CALL FUCKING HOME DEPOT AND TELL THEM TO COME OUT!" So she calls Home Depot and of course they have to ask you 9,000 questions before asking you exactly what you're calling about. So she finally gets someone from the door department and this guy is all like, "well we didn't install the door so we can't help you!" So with that I send a text message to the contractor the picture above of the door and he calls me. I of course start the conversation with the pleasantries, "Hey how are you?" This dude comes back with "well, I'm a lot better than you right now". You think you're funny huh?
You know what I think is funny? The fact that you're fixing this door for free! Touché mother fucker! In the end the door is fixed however we can never, ever lock the screen door again.
My wife has been telling me for about a week that her car was making a really loud and weird noise. Our son Mike drove the car and told us she needed brakes. So naturally I asked if the car stops. What? It's a normal question when someone says you need brakes! My thinking is this.. if the car is still stopping then you don't necessarily need brakes on an emergency basis. I don't see anything wrong with that thought process, do you? Well, I drove her car Friday night and it sounded like a fucking airplane was taking off! This god awful sound.. my dear lord baby jesus, I have never heard anything like this come from a car before! I still hear the sound echoing in my eardrums now! I got out of the car like:
Now keep in mind, my wife has been telling me about this sound for a week. Naturally when we got out of the car and I said, "yea, so this is bad" she looked at me like:
To the car dealer we go! So my wife's old car was a 2013 Nissan Rogue, so we went back to the Nissan dealer to trade it in. Driving to the dealership in that car, making that God awful sound was literally making break out into a sweat. I kept turning up the music but the sound kept overpowering the music. I kept checking the brakes to make sure that when we actually needed to stop we would. Me the entire time I was driving to the dealer:
I hate the whole process of buying a new car. First of all it literally takes up your entire friggen day! They ask you the same questions even though you've answered them a thousand times. At one point I had to refrain myself from saying, "if I had money to put down, do you honestly think that I would be here, in this dealer, getting that car? No, I'd be over at the Mercedes dealer or the Land Rover dealer!" So finally after 6 hours on a Saturday...my Saturday...my day off... my wife got a new car. While they were finalizing the deal, I was cleaning out the old car because I didn't want them to drive the car off before we actually left. The Salesman was like I can go over all the settings with you and I was like nah bro, you did enough, I can figure it out for her. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. The salesman was really nice so I was like ok lets hug it out and go back to work dude! As we drove off, this image immediately popped into my head:
I figured that image was appropriate for the situation!
So there ya have it... the latest with the bunch! Stay tuned.. next Sunday I'm sure we'll be interesting.. to say the least!
Happy Sunday everyone! First, I (along with the Bunch) want to send prayers out to all those affected by Mother Nature being a complete and total bitch these past few weeks! Mother Nature out there like:
But we don't have a problem with Global Warming:
Alright let's shed some light on the current events by talking about the adventures of my family. So my wife and daughter Bianca went to get their nails done at this new salon. My wife sent me a text telling me that she thought the manicurists were talking about her and Bianca in Korean. Naturally my response back was "why do you think that?" My wife comes back with, "we walked in, they asked us to pick a color and then three of them looked at us and then started talking in Korean and laughing". Ummmm:
How do you even respond to something like that? I mean it could be possible they didn't like the color they picked out. Could be possible that they were in the middle of a joke before they walked in; or they were in fact talking about them. Either way, neither of them are fluent in Korean so let that shit go! In any event, my response was a typical response of "lol". Always go with the "lol" that way you don't get in trouble with what you say. After my "lol" text back, I received 10 more text messages about how the pedicure chairs look like they're the original chairs from the 1950s, the guy working on Bianca's toes is going in on an ingrown toe nail, they just wrapped her feet and legs in a warm towel after having oil massaged in and how they like this place now and how I should go next time for a pedicure! Me:
Let me just enter that in my calendar as, never going to happen! If you're not my wife or my dogs, you don't get to touch and play with my feet. I don't know you like that!
Moving on....So my wife made an eye doctors exam for us last weekend because she said her eyes were getting bad and said my vision completely sucked! Wow, thanks so much hunny! Now here I am on a Saturday morning without a full pot of coffee at an eye doctor. I don't necessarily hate doctors, I just don't like going to them because they always have something to say. So we get there and start filling out paperwork, which was fun, because neither of us could really see what we were writing. Question.. why do eye doctors' forms ask for your allergies? I mean do you plan on giving me injections of codeine into my eyeballs? Do you have bees flying around your office? What's the point? So at that point, I was just like "see attached list"!
Since I completed the form first I got to go in first. So I had to look into this machine and see a little red house, which by the way, I didn't see. Then I had to switch over to this machine that blows air into your eyes, which makes you do this:
After that fun filled room, I got to go into another room where he made me read the alphabet and at that point I was just guessing because I couldn't see shit. So after the exam the doctor asks me what my driver's license says, so I said "5'6", but I'm actually 5'2" but they don't measure you sooooo!" He looked at me and said, "no, does your license state that you have to wear glasses?" I said, "nope because I didn't check that box". This dude came back with "well now you have to check that box". Pssssh, wait, what? Then he comes at me like, "if you were to take your driver's test right now, you would fail based on your vision!" Me:
Whatchu talking about, I'm an excellent driver!
So in a nutshell because I didn't follow my last eye doctor's orders my astigmatisms got really bad and now I'm in glasses 24-7 unless I'm showering or sleeping. Now I am a sunglass freak. I love sunglasses and I was not about to spend money on two pairs of glasses so I got the magnetic clip on UV sunglass lens.. yes I brought back the 70's. I thought who I was when I first got my glasses, acting all like:
This past Thursday I was coming home from work and my wife called me to tell me that she and Bianca just left the store and apparently they went on a Summer's Eve shopping spree. Apparently Summer's Eve is more than just your original douche. They've expanded their product to all different kinds of scented wipes and even a spray. Now I can understand the wipes, but a spray? What the hell!?! So my daughter tells me that the spray said to hold the can approximately 12 inches away from you hoohoo. Now, I'm trying to picture this. I mean do you spray and then pelvis thrust into the mist, and why are there even products like this! I'm all for hygiene and smelling good, but who's walking around sniffing hoohoo's! My wife is like "honey you can use it too!" This image immediately popped into my head:
I see you Summer's Eve!
The other night my wife and I were sitting in the living room with Bianca and Carlton and Bianca said that she gets these little bumps on her scalp. So my wife told her it was probably from the products she uses in her hair. Then she said, "oh my god, what if it's cancer?" Here I am on the couch like:
So here we are trying to calm her down and Carlton turns around all calm and said, "well you did drop the blow dryer on the floor and then used it before cleaning it"? I'm sorry...... but......what the fuck? I looked at my wife, then looked at Bianca and then at Carlton like:
What in the hell is this boy talking about? So everyone, listen, if you have a small bump on your scalp, it's because you dropped your blow dryer on the floor and used it without cleaning it. How the hell you going to clean a blow dryer? I'm still thinking about that comment! I'm trying to figure out where my man was going with that. I mean I'm happy he was trying to make my daughter feel better, but no. Just tell her you don't feel any bumps and keep it moving!
So after a few minutes of trying to recover from the blow dryer comment, we started talking about going to a dermatologist. I have a mole on my lip that people like to refer to as a "beauty mark", I like to refer to it as "an annoying fucking mole". In any event, I said that I wanted to have it removed. My wife and kids are like, "no, it's your signature, its you!" Carlton busts out with, "does your mole taste different than your other skin?" I know.. I know.. you all are probably reading this and staring at your screen doing this:
Lord knows I was sitting there like:
Lord baby Jesus I had nothing! I couldn't think, I couldn't respond, I just sat there trying to understand what the hell just came out of his damn mouth! How does my mole taste? Whatchu think, I sit around and lick my mole then lick my hand and compare the taste? Boyyyyyyy shut up! From where I was sitting, you down two with ya girl! I'm looking at my daughter and she's sitting next to him like:
So as our weekend draws to end, we all ventured out to Peddler's Village to walk around and enjoy the beautiful fall weather. Unfortunately for me we all went in one car.....MY car. So as soon as we get in the car, before I even have the gear shift in reverse, Mike is like "are we getting food for the drive?" What drive, its 45 minutes!? Of course we had to stop so he could have a snack for a 45 minute drive. As I'm driving, I put on my Spotify and within 5 minutes I got Alessandra from the back going, "mommy can I put my music on?" What the hell is wrong with my music? Apparently my music isn't "lit" enough for a 14 year old! So here I am driving while I have Mike and Alessandra seeing who can yell at each other the loudest and at the same time getting "lit" and making my car shake from them dancing in the backseat. Meanwhile Bianca is hysterical laughing and I'm like:
So on the way home, I tortured them with my "lesbian music playlist"!
Hellllloooooo out there! Okay, I admit I've been sucking at keeping you all in the loop with the latest of the Gaydy adventures. I won't give you any excuses, I'm sorry and all I have to say is:
Okay... now that the apologies and the self pity is out of the way, let's see what I have that may tickle your fancies. Well, I guess I should start out by discussing that our 14 year old NOW has a boyfriend. Now, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this considering I very clearly instructed her that she was not to start dating until she was 30! Apparently this relationship began during one of my sun filled bourbon naps while in Florida. I wake up to learn that she met a boy and they hit it off and he only lives an hour away from us. I'm pretty sure you can imagine my reaction when I woke up to learn of this news. No? Okay, let me show you:
In any event, last weekend we went up to our friend's house for an "end of the summer" party and the girls brought their boyfriends up with them. Which meant that I had to drive to pick him up and then head up to the Poconos. Now of course Gia had to come with us, because as the wife puts it "she doesn't get out much." Ummm, she's a dog... where the fuck is she going to go? We'll get back to that debate in a minute. So here we are, Tammy, Alessandra, her boyfriend and myself all driving up to the Poconos. So you know my ass was like this the whole time driving up, looking in the rear mirror like:
Gotta let him know I'm watching him. I even put the cup holder divider down before he got in the car! We also tortured him with our style of music. Bianca and Carlton had Teddy in their car and we had Gia in our car. Now, I'm not sure if I ever discussed the fact that Teddy gets car sick. Which is a damn shame. Here he is 25lb dog that barks viciously like Cujo at anyone or anything that goes by our house and this damn dog can't make it 10 minutes in a car without getting sick! Don't think for a second that I thought about calling the place we got him to tell them they gave me a defective dog! Dogs aren't supposed to get car sick! Dogs are supposed to like car rides. Every dog I see in a car is sticking their heads out of a window with their tongues blowing in the wind, without a damn care in the world. Not teddy! He's all in the back of the car like:
Yes people, I know that's a GIF of a cat, but you try to search thousands of GIFs for the perfect sarcastic effect. If I kept searching we wouldn't get anywhere, so lets just keep it moving and pretend that's a friggen dog, mmmkay?
Now where was I, before I was interrupted but the readers thinking, "umm, that's not a dog?" Ah yes, the drive up to the Poconos. So we got repeated text messages that Teddy was throwing up in Carlton's car. Which by the way, was not our fault. We told Carlton that he would get sick but he still wanted to bring him. So after the fifth text, Tammy and I were like:
So we finally get up to our friends house and we head to the lake to hang on the boat and relax. What does my dumb as do? I challenge a bunch of 15 year olds to a game of basketball. Now here's a little fun fact about Kris. Kris played basketball from 7th grade all the way up to college. Kris also received a scholarship to play basketball until Kris blew her knee out. Yes I am fully aware of the fact that I am talking in the third person. I had absolutely NO business being on a basketball court at 38 years old with a bunch of 15 year olds, but ego and pride kicked in and I had to show the boys that Mama can play. Needless to say at the end of the two games I was off on the sidelines like:
Meanwhile my wife and daughters are standing there like:
In the midst of my asthma attack, I have both of my daughters like, "oh look at my bae playing". As if that's not bad enough, my wife is standing there going, "aww they're so cute and I'm like, "hellllllllo can we help mama get some air in her lungs before she has a heart attack please?" They look at me and they were all like, "are you okay?" Yea, I'm good don't worry about me, my lungs will eventually refill with air and the color will return to my face.... carry on. Needless to say everything, including my hair hurt the next morning
So the next morning after I threw myself out of bed and slithered down the steps on my ass, I decided to join everyone on the back porch for coffee. The kids went for a walk to the lake and the adults were sitting at the table having coffee. Then it happened! Bees! They all decided to come out and fuck with me knowing that I'm allergic to them. So now here I am dodging bees while trying to drink my coffee like:
So after a few cups of coffee, we headed back home. This time, ten minutes into the drive we got a text from Bianca and Carlton telling us to pull over because Teddy apparently wanted to start out right off the bat. Once we lined every inch of Carlton's car with wee wee pads we were back on the road again. Now getting Alessandra's boyfriend back home wasn't hard at all. It was coming home that became the problem. I decided to take "no tolls" home. Now everything was going fine, I turned the GPS off because I made the comment "I know where I am, it's all good". Yeaaaaaaaa, sooooo I was in the wrong lane and missed the split I was supposed to take. Which took an hour and a half trip and turned it into a two and a half hour trip. After passing the airport three times, I was like:
Finally we made it home after a few laps around the airport.
We'll be back next weekend with some more fun filled adventures!