SHARK WEEK IS HERE...SHARK WEEK IS HERE! I'm so excited we started pre-gaming last night with some highlights from last year's Shark Week. The whole time I'm sitting on the couch like this:
Shark Week is a huge event in our household... for Tammy and I at least! I mean come on, it's the greatest week ever! The kids disappear the minute they see a shark on the screen, but at least Tam and I are getting Mom and Mommy time! Let's pick up where we left off from the last blog. The switching of rooms has been completed and Carlton has officially moved in. I really thought the objective of parenting was having kids, raising them to be independent, well mannered, respectable adults that leave the house. For some reason we keep adding children to this house. Not sure what we're doing wrong here? I mean I've gone over it in my head a thousand times, chores and all and they're all like "yea we're not moving out any time soon!"
Back to the drawing board I guess. In any event, let's get back to the official move in of the newest member of the Gaydy Clan. I mean he's technically not the newest member because he's been with our daughter for 5 years, but it's now really official! I'm really okay with the move in, Carlton has some really nice clothes and it just so happens that I wear the same size as him so we agreed that I could raid his closed while he was at work. I mean I'm not sure if he thinks that I was joking, but I'm not!
Speaking of clothes... I bought a binder (all you butches out there know what that it is) because my boobs just so happen to interfere with a lot of the clothes I like to wear. I was so excited to get this thing and wear a slimmer shirt without the boob opening around the buttons. I was on my way home from work last week, when my wife sent me a text that it had arrived. Ok...while I don't doubt for one second that this company makes a solid product, their sizing chart might be slightly off. Just a little background, before ordering I went and got professionally measured and came in at a 40C. According to the sizing chart a 40C would have been an XL so to be safe, I up'd it to a XXL. Smart right? Wait.. I'm not done yet!
I get home from work, change my clothes and go to put it on before heading out to pick up Tammy and Bianca from the hair salon. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life! I'm not even lying when I say that I almost dislocated a shoulder putting this thing on. Now the one I got had a zipper side. I tried every way imaginable to get this thing on. The unzipped part literally came to the center of my back and the more I pulled to the left to try and zip it up, the more I heard ribs cracking. I tried to put it on already zipped and ended up with my shoulder in position that orthopedically speaking It should probably never be in. Then I got stuck. So for 5 minutes I was like this:
I seriously had red marks all over my biceps from trying to put this thing on. So needless to say it's going back for a larger size. I was so upset when I got to the salon and told my wife what happen. I mean she was really supportive by asking me to reenact the whole trying on when got home. She was convinced it would fit, she said i needed help putting it on. I'm sorry but what's the point of getting something if you need help putting it on?? Let's just say that it did not require help putting it on, I needed a bigger size because my back is the size of a small state! How the hell did I end up with a 34 inch waist and a 44 inch back??? It's not normal! I told my wife that I looked like Spongebob and she was all like, "No you don't. I love your back and shoulders! You're well proportioned. Meanwhile I I was all like:
I suppose I should tell you all about the painting project. Basically in a nutshell I finished one out of three rooms and haven't painted since. Listen, painting is great cardio and when you're 39 pushing 40, but mentally you think you're still in your 20's the outcome isn't so good. I got all the walls painted in Bee and Carlton's room and started some of the ceiling. When I got done, I spent the rest of the night walking around like this:
On to more important and interesting things. So this coming Tuesday Tammy will finally have her long awaited back surgery. Last week we had pre-admission testing at the hospital and then Thursday night a surgical clearance appointment with our primary doctor. I have to say the pre-admission testing was pretty intense. First of all the nurse sounded like one of those auctioneers, this bitch was speaking so damn fast about what we had to do the night before the surgery and the morning before. She was speaking faster than my brain could process. I sat in the chair like:
Thank the lord baby Jesus we got written instructions and handouts. So apparently, the night before the surgery Tammy has to take a shower and then after a few hours after she's dry I have to wipe her down with these special wipes. Then the morning before we leave for the hospital I have to wipe her down again. Now I'm not opposed to helping out, because ya know the whole for better or worse vow thing. However, I am opposed to helping out when my wife is NOT allowed to have any coffee in the morning. This is dangerous. Like seriously dangerous. The surgery is high risk, but my wife not having coffee in the morning and me having to wipe her down is even a higher risk. Not for her, but for me and my life! I mean I'm not having surgery so the mere fact that I can drink coffee and probably will before leaving for the hospital just increases that risk. For all of you that don't know what my wife looks like before she has coffee she looks like this:
So imagine dealing with the above in the morning of the surgery and me having to wipe her down with medial wipes in these areas:
Nothing good could possibly come from this, especially when I hit number 5! I may die Tuesday morning, a slow painful death!
I will keep you all updated about Tammy's progress through our social media accounts! Send Mama Tammy some positive vibes on twitter and instagram, as well as our facebook page!
Happy Sunday everyone! Let's see.. the last time I left you, we had one kid with a healed foot, one with a mysterious sprain, one with the pox and an engagement party quickly approaching. Here's a quick update... both kids with the sprained feet are fine, the kid with the pox, really didn't have the pox (we'll get to that later on) and the engagement party came and went and like that I'm broke! Having daughters is seriously like:
Tammy and I throw a great party, if I don't say so myself! So since you all weren't able to attend, let me take you through the day! Let's start with the day before shall we? So Friday after work I dropped Anthony off at his football game, then took my wife and girls to get their nails done and eyebrows waxed while I drove around and played PokemonGo until they were done! When we got home we had to put everything that was going with us to the hall in boxes. Can anyone take a guess where all those boxes went? Yep, you got it! In our bedroom. Apparently our room is storage for all the kids fucking shit! Going to bed was fun, it's like a sick twisted game of how do I not stub my toe on the box or bang my knee on the corner of the bed. Every time we go into our bedroom, we're smacked in the face with someone's shit, whether it's shopping bags, mail, packages or something. Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize that our bedroom was your storage unit!
Anyways, back to the party! Saturday morning started early with strict instructions from my wife that I was to no take part in Community Day for PokemonGo because they had hair appointments about 35 minutes away. That's not all.... I was told that after I dropped them off I had drive 40 minutes to pick up "20 pounds of cookies". Twenty fucking pounds of cookies?? I looked at my wife like this:
I literally imagined my car looking like:
Now keep in mind that after I drove 40 minutes to pick up 20 pounds of cookies, I had to do a cookie drug deal in the parking lot with our older son Mike so that I could drive yet another 40 minutes back to the salon to pick them up! At this point I was ready for a nap! However by this time I had to shower and get ready. Now keep in mind that I can shower and be ready in 15 minutes and then sit around sweating in my Party Best waiting for the GIRLS to finish getting ready. You know what's the best? Is when the girls set a time to be ready to go and they're actually the ones that run way past that time! EVERY SINGLE TIME we need to go somewhere my wife rushes ME?! "Kris, come on get off your phone, stop catching Pokemon, are you going to get dressed? We have to leave soon?" Seriously?!?!?!?!?! Meanwhile I'm sitting on the couch like:
So I make use of ALL THE SPARE TIME I HAVE... and load the car up with all the boxes in our room. Now at this point I'm sweating and annoyed because my wife and two daughters are all like:
Seriously how many times do you need do that thing with your lips and look in the mirror? How many times do you need fluff your hair and look in the mirror!!!?? CAN WE GO?!
FOR THE LOVE OF CHILD BIRTH CAN WE JUST GET IN THE CAR AND GO!?!
So we finally leave for the hall about 20 minutes after the set deadline by my wife by the way! I walk in and head straight to the table where the alcohol was and asked the maitre'd for a bottle opener... what? I paid for this shit! I left the decorating to the kids while I enjoyed my beer and took pictures. Oh yea I forgot to mention, I was the unpaid photographer for the night! At some point I said fuck it and handed the camera over to Alessandra and let her have at it! When Alessandra took over I sat down at the table and was like:
Some help Alessandra was! Ten minutes later the camera appeared right next to me while she was out on the dance floor like:
Useless... completely useless assistant!
At this point in the party I spent the remainder of the night with Carlton's family having them teach me how to speak Patois (Jamaican slang). Now I'm fluent soooooo...
So the party was beautiful and everyone had a good time. My in-laws stayed over that night for Father's Day, which my wife was kind enough to volunteer my services for a BBQ for the whole family. Ya know because I clearly hadn't done enough the last three FUCKING days! On top that... Bianca and Alessandra were dying to see the pictures so I had to upload those in between flipping fucking burgers and hot dogs. By the end of the weekend my ass was like:
Last week we got news that Carlton was transferred to a local post office and will be moving in! Yay... another one in the house. If we keep this up we'll have an equal ratio of kids v. animals. I'm about to go rent a one bedroom apartment for Tam and I and leave the house to the kids and the animal. I mean three of them are adults and work. If they pull together they can pay the mortgage and Tammy and I can have a nice CLEAN apartment without blasting music, screaming banters back and forth, and I won't have to kill any spiders every 2.5 seconds.! Tammy and I would be living like:
On a sidenote: I would just like to note that I was searching relaxing lesbian couples in Giphy and apparently Lesbians don't relax on a couch without ripping each others' clothes off and engrossing in a wild make out session. Way to go GIPHY! Nice to show lesbians are sex crazed beings. I personally can attest to the fact that type of relaxing is unrealistic! Especially when you have a fucking tribe of children and a petting zoo inside your home!
My wife wants me to say I'm just kidding about the one bedroom apartment idea so, I'm just kidding! Don't think for a second that, that idea isn't stored in the back of my brain for the future. I mean it's not like we wouldn't come and visit. Ooooh maybe I can build a one bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom house on the acre and a half land in the back yard for us to escape to!
Sorry for the ADHD digress!
Back to the moving in situation. So currently the girls decided that they were switching rooms and I quickly shouted "NOT IT". Throwing that right on out there just so they know that Mama Kris is not taking part in this. I did somehow or another end up getting suckered into spackling and painting their rooms, which then prompted my lovely wife to give me the "I will stab you in your sleep until you bleed out" if you don't pain my living room first" look.... which looked something like this:
SO GUESS WHAT? I'm painting next weekend because I've grown very fond of my jugular.
As I sit here typing the blog I hear nothing but banging, crashing, and thumping, so I'm assuming all is going well up there! Stay tuned on how it all turns out with the move in!