Happy Sunday all you fabulous people out there taking the time to read the shenanigans of our family! So I got lots to talk about, so get some coffee, some alcohol or whatever tickles your fancy and settle in!
First let's start off with the summer. Now usually people start getting fit and ready for summer before summer actually arrives, right? Not us here in the Gaydy residence. We like to wait about a month before we leave for vacation, we're procrastinators. So my wife decided that the whole family was going to eat healthier (not that we didn't eat unhealthy, but I ain't one to argue with my wife), so here we are on a diet. Now as I mentioned in previous blogs, I've been eating fucking Kale for lunch for friggen months. In my head I'm thinking, short of starving myself what diet am I going on now! Wait for it..... ready? She, and by she I mean my beautiful, lovely wife Tammy tells me she wants to eat more vegetarian meals and eliminate meat! Now my initial reaction to this was:
Which quickly transitioned to this reaction:
So naturally I responded, "Vegetarian like as in vegan vegetarian? Like no meat or anything that comes from meat?" Her response was simple, it contained a one word answer that went something like this:
I asked if this was a topic that was up for discussion, she said no. I asked if this was a topic up for negotiation, she said no. Wife-1, Me 0. So here I am becoming a cow, possibly a horse, maybe even a goat.
As if the above mentioned wasn't bad enough we all have the Fitness Pal app on our phones to track our 1200 calorie a day diet. I'm sure everyone knows what that is, but for those that don't let me break it down. You have to add everything you eat and drink throughout the day. Now it doesn't seem so bad but when the app decides to tell you "your goal for fat for the day was 25% and you went over your goal by 45%" you start feeling a type of way. Like, I'm sorry who the fuck are you? I get 1200 calories and if I want to use my 1200 calories on some chocolate back it the fuck up!
So here I am back to eating salads every day for lunch, fruit and nuts for snacks. Oh and lets not forget your daily friggen intake of water that you have to log. My refrigerator is stocked with crates of lettuce and vegetables and my freezer looks like the vegan isle of any grocery store imaginable. We got veggie burgers, veggie chicken burgers, veggie hot dogs, veggie burritos, bags upon bags of vegetables, protein pasta, the list of the unimaginable goes on. Don't think for one second that my ass ain't in there in the middle of the night looking for a piece of chicken! Even the friggen milk has been replaced by Almond milk, NOW, that's where I draw the line:
Has anyone ever had coffee with almond milk? How do you do that to the poor innocent cup of pureness that is coffee? That's just mean! Last night my wife gave me coffee with almond milk and didn't tell me and after a sip this is exactly what happened:
I went and got myself coffee mate french vanilla creamer. I will gladly log that into the Fitness Pal app with pride!
Of course with the new diet regime in place guess what comes along with that? No guesses? My daughter Bianca looking at me like this when I come home from work:
Oh hellllll no! That look right there means it's time for her and I to start back up with our workout routine. So of course, the softie that I am gives in and we do a cardio workout for 15 minutes. She's all like, "yea, whoo, feel that burn, we're burning the calories!" Meanwhile I'm all over here like:
After 15 minutes of cardio, I looked like I just got out of the pool, my legs were jello and every single muscle in my body was screaming "FUCK YOU, YOU'RE 38 NOT 20, SIT DOWN AND READ A BOOK!" Needless to say, I haven't worked out since. I do however have my footstep tracker turned on, on my Fitness Pal app so I spend the majority of my time walking in circles to burn the calories, kind of like this:
What? It's cardio! Meanwhile my daughter Bianca is working out everyday and I'm like "yea girl, get it"........from the couch!
Now I'm not saying that eating healthy and staying away from meat is a bad thing, but I'm Sicilian, we have meat running through our friggen blood! How you going to deny a sicilian some meatballs, chicken cutlet and some braciole? The worst part about this whole situation is that my wife makes regular food for our 13 and 9 year old. What the hell is that about? I have to sit at dinner eating a friggen veggie hot dog, while the other two are sitting next me eating regular hot dogs and looking at me like:
Speaking of veggie hot dogs... NO! Just friggen NO! Don't do that to a hot dog. I can't even explain what eating that did to me! It completely ruined the American Dream!
I blame this all on the Kardashians. Why you ask, because in every episode they eat friggen salads. Screw you Kim, Khloe and Kourtney for only showing the salads. I know you all eat meat. You ain't fooling me! I see you! Okay my rant is over.
So today is our 5th year anniversary so I am off to celebrate one of the best days of my life!
Well it's been a hot minute since I had the chance to blog. Did ya'll miss me and my sarcastic rants? So a lot has happened since the last blog, so this one is going to be a doozy!
Let me fill you all in. So I recently left my previous law firm and went to another firm. So I've been deemed by my former co-workers as going to the "dark side". Listen, this isn't friggen Star Wars I don't work for Darth Vador so don't hate. Moving on. In between I was working retail for a little while with my son Mike which was fun, because I just got to bust his chops all day and night and had some fun with customers. I retired my blue shirt and sales tag that said "Sales Associate Unicorn" and moved on to bigger and better things. I had to fly out to Buffalo the Sunday before the 4th of July for training on that Monday. Before I fill you all in on my business trip, I'll let you know what the family did without me while I was away.
So while I was away on business Monday my wife and the kids decided to go to the beach for the first time this summer. Isn't that something special. The first summer event of 2017 and I'm in Buffalo and they're all sitting on the beach like:
While I'm sitting in a conference room watching a sexual harassment video from the 80's. As if that's not bad enough, after my training I headed back to the airport for my flight home; when my wife decides to FaceTime me while on the beach! She's so considerate, letting me know she's okay. Now during this conversation my wife informed me that it took them 2 hours to get to the beach that is literally 25 minutes from our house! Now I was trying to figure out how you can manage to get lost going to the beach in 2017 when you have multiple GPS tools to use! I mean did they just type in beach and clicked the first one that popped up and went with that one? How do you get lost anywhere NOWADAYS?! See now that's what they get for going to the beach without me!
While my wife was soaking up the sun, Alessandra and Bianca were taking on the crazy rip tides of the ocean and Anthony was playing football and volleyball. Keep in mind that I was sitting in an airport from 4:30p.m. until my flight at 7:28p.m.
Here's where it gets interesting. Since the recent events of shark sightings on the shores of the east coast, the girls had a plan. Their plan was to always make sure that some other beach-goer was always in front of them while they were in the water. If for some reason they were in the front, they backed all the way out of the ocean and followed behind someone else. You may be wondering why this was their plan. Let me enlighten you. The theory behind my girls' thinking, was that if a shark happened to come close, the person in front of them would get attacked and they would have a chance to escape.
Needless to say, they had a wonderful time and came home all tan, while my no summer color ass was still trying to get home. While sitting in the airport waiting for my flight we were advised that Air Traffic Control wasn't letting us take off. Now, that meant that my original 7:28 flight was now moved to a departure time of 9:55 p.m. Now you can imaging my face when they announced that I would be sitting in the airport for another two and a half hours, on top of the 3 hours I was already sitting there. It looked something like this:
Have no fear, because my airline had absolutely NO idea what was going on or why we weren't allowed to take off. Which then prompted them to give us free water and snacks. Isn't that sweet?! Fuck the water, how about you start bringing in a mini wet bar and start serving us alcohol so the waiting goes by a little quicker. As if the water and snacks weren't enough, they were walking around asking me if I wanted a coloring book and crayons? I'm sorry do I look fucking five years old?!
Now I'm not a big flyer. I will however fly if I have to. That being said my plane looked like a little cargo plane and the seats were extremely close together. I'm all about personal space and my arm rest is my arm rest and your arm rest is yours. I don't lean my seat back because I'm courteous of others. So when boarding time finally came and we took off, I thought about doing this:
Oh stop it, you know you all thought about that at least once when flying! I refrained and just looked out the windows and watched the tiny firework display from up above.
I had off from work on Tuesday, being it was the 4th of July, so the older kids went out down the shore to watch fireworks while Tammy, myself, and Anthony watched fireworks from our front porch. Being that I had spent all my money in Buffalo on souvenirs for the kids and my wife, my wife took out a twenty for me for gas for my first day of work. Again, this is where it gets interesting. Tammy and I are having coffee and I casually mention that I was just going to put the whole twenty worth of gas in. She looks at me like this:
So naturally I ask her what was wrong. Ready for this...? She said, "I thought we were going to split the twenty, ten for you, ten for me." I'm sorry how exactly am I suppose to split a twenty with you when I'm getting gas on my way to work? Was I suppose to rip the twenty in half, cut it in half, go get gas and then come back and give her ten? Needless to say she just started laughing. While I'm still trying to figure out how the hell you going to hand someone a twenty and them ask them to split it with you?
So lets go back to my stay in Buffalo. First time there and really honestly not much to do other than drink coffee, work and eat. So I check into my hotel and I walk in and if I didn't think I was Julia Roberts checking into the Beverly Wilshire (minus the whole hooker thing). I walked in like:
So I get to my room and the room was all fancy. Big tv, big bed, a couch, a gorgeous shower with a built in seat so you can steam or whatever. I was more impressed with the one cup coffee maker and Starbucks coffee than anything else! I facetimed my wife to show her the room and she was like:
So I made myself some coffee and went down to vape with my freshly brewed Starbucks coffee when it happened. I walked out of the hallway that leads you from the rooms to the elevator and lobby and came face to face with a robot. Yes a fucking robot was standing right in my way, telling me he was "just chilling". I'm sorry? Let me understand that I just got off the elevator twenty minutes ago and you weren't here. I come back and you're in my way telling me you're just chilling?! I stood there for about five minutes talking to a robot when I realized that I could possibly be committed to a psych ward if anyone saw me, so I went around him and went downstairs.
I was downstairs for about a half hour or so going live on Facebook because I was bored out of my mind. I get in the elevator and when the doors open to my floor, I'm standing face to face with this fucker again:
I almost fell back into the elevator. How the hell you going to creep up on someone like that? This time he wasn't telling me he was chilling, he was telling me he was trying to get to the lobby. I spent almost 45 minutes pressing the down button on the elevator just for this fool to stand and watch the doors open and close. Finally two employees came up to get him and started telling me he wasn't suppose to be up on the second floor? Hold up....! Where the fuck am I right now!? I'm watching these two employees telling the robot he was being a "little minx" and "pouting" and I'm thinking to myself:
Needless to say after that fun filled night, I stayed in my room for the rest of the night!
There ya have it folks! All caught up on the Gaydy adventures! Until next week............