So as you all know, I work two jobs. If you didn't know, now ya know so let's keep it moving. I'm professional by day and retail by night. I initially took the part time night job to decompress from my professional job. Ya know mindless cashier work, chatting with customers and acting like I'm 20 again with some co-workers. However, there are some of those co-workers that make you look like this when they talk to you:
One day I was at work and a co-worker asked me for help. So I'm thinking he needs me to help unload some stuff or get him some supplies. I mean that would be the normal thought process when a co-worker asks you for help, right? Nope, no... that wasn't what he wanted help with. He asked me to find him a girl that he could pay to marry his nephew. Okay first of all, when I signed up for the part-time job I expected cashier, I expected sales, but finding a girl and telling said girl that I have someone that will pay her money to marry some random guy's nephew was not in my job description. So At first when he asked me I was like:
I mean what the hell are you suppose to say to that? What am I fucking Minimum Wage Matchmaker here? Let me roll up to girls in my pep boys' blue shirt and black cargo dickies with my name tag that says "unicorn" and ask them if they'd like to be bought? Yes my name tag really says Unicorn. I mean yes, I am the Cashier with the Mostest and the customers always end up leaving laughing, but I would hit total stalker/creeper status if I start handing out applications to every girl that comes to the register for the "I'll pay you to marry my nephew" application". Customers would be like:
With working two jobs I'm not as home much, so I decided to take a day off and surprise my wife with a date day! I know romantic, if I don't say so myself. I told her I was taking her to the outlets and then we would have a lunch date. I bought some pants for my professional job and Tammy bought a pair of shorts. Then it began....
The hunt for the perfect sandals!
Now, I'm sure you all know how big outlets are and how many stores are in outlets, so you can imagine what I endured looking for the perfect sandals for my wife. Every store we went into, every pair of sandals we looked at she was like:
Finally after a hour of making our way around all the stores.....TWICE, she found the perfect sandals, which of course prompted this response from me:
After the outlets I wanted to head to this spiritual store that we always go to for incense and things like that, so I could get a beaded bracelet I've been wanting to get. So we're in the car and I said, "ok let's head to Cha's so I can get the bracelet". Without hesitation, Tammy blurts out, "do they have a bathroom?" I respond with "what the hell are you talking about?" She goes, "I don't care where we go as long as they have a bathroom!" Meanwhile, I'm driving with a blank look on my face because we've been to this store a thousand times and every time we go there, the first thing she does is go to pee. So you could imagine my confusion when she blurted out "do they have a bathroom"? It kind of looked like this:
So I had this brilliant idea that I wanted to try the black mask thing that is all over the internet. So I went to Ulta and of course they didn't have it, but the lady gave me this little Biore wax kit. At a first glance, you think "how cute". It comes with a little stainless steel pot of wax, a bottle of soothing oil and waxing sticks. So apparently directions indicated that you heat the wax on the stove and then apply and rip off, kind of like the black mask. The only reason we know this is because after the first application Carlton decided to read the instructions. Notice how I said AFTER!
The wax smells horrible and is green, so it looks like you have slime all over you, that hardens. It appears to be as painful as the black mask only because we had to wax my lip and eyebrows three times just to get it to work. At one point it looked like a surgical procedure.
Carlton was holding the flashlight on the cell phone over my face, so Bianca could actually see if the wax ripped out the hairs. So I endured this procedure until all the wax in the stainless steel pot was gone. With every rip of the wax my wife was videotaping for our social media accounts while my body was doing this:
I suppose everything in this house is material, even if it leaves my entire face and neck bright red!
Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there doing their thing and to the moms doing double duty. Hope everyone had a great Father's Day Weekend and enjoyed the love and spoiling from your kids and grandkids.
With all this rain we've been having, our backyard looked like Little House on the Prairie with the grass blowing in the wind. Kind of like this:
I admit that the overgrowth of grass was partly my fault and partly Mother Nature just being a complete bitch and constantly dumping rain on us. I was more concerned with the front of the house so I would just tell Mike to cut the front grass. Then one morning I looked out back while getting coffee and couldn't find our fire pit because our lawn ate it. Then I decided it was time for a trim. Mike suggested going out with a machete and hacking it first but opted for the good old suburb way and used our lawn mower.
Now we have about an acre and a half in the back and NO we don't have a ride mower, that's why I gave that chore to the oldest son. See what I did there? Delegate baby, delegate. In any event an hour into cutting the grass Mike comes in and says, "Hey look what I found in the back yard?" I immediately think, with that much grass and all this rain, please tell me a wee little leprechaun left us a pot of gold!! Nope! This is what he found and comes walking into the living room with:
Yep! Just what we needed another four legged creature. While my wife is like "Oh my god, how cute?" and our little guy is saying, "Can we keep him?" Then our daughters are naming him and saying "awww I want him to stay with us!" I just kept repeating the word NO. It kind of went like this:
Oh my god, how cute? NO
Can we keep him? NO
Aww I want him to stay with us? NO
Between the cats, the dogs, the turtle, the moth friend Mike made one night that was flying around our home, the groundhog that lives under our shed, the fox that visits frequently I pretty much have a zoo and am about to charge friggen admission. Can we keep him...psssssh.
So the grass is freely cut and Mike put the turtle all the way in the back of the yard so he could go be with his turtle friends. The next morning I wake up look out the window while getting coffee, smiling getting ready to take my first sip of coffee; when all of a sudden I see the fucking turtle slowly trotting through the yard like he's a resident:
Moving on. So I'm pretty sure everyone has alarms they set on their phones. I have an iPhone so my alarms, yes plural because I snooze a lot. Here's a picture of what my alarms look like:
I have to say I am little disappointed in their choice for alarms. Like seriously how the hell to you expect me to wake up to something called "star gaze" or "twinkle". Not happening. So I set my alarms to Cry Baby by Janis Joplin. Talk about waking up to Janis belting out that first note first thing in the morning, where she just screams. You wake up feeling like you were on the same shit she was on back in the day. Waking up all like:
Well one morning last week Janis decided she wasn't singing. Good thing my internal alarm clock knows when I'm late as hell. I woke up to see my alarm going off silently saying "Good Job, now you're late". I frantically wake Tammy up who said her alarm didn't go off either. Of course it didn't because we found it under her pillow. At what point does the alarm just say "fuck it, this bitch isn't getting up" and stops going off? Isn't that the point of hitting snooze anyway, so you don't wake up late? Totally disappointed with my alarm and Janis for not wanting to scream. I had a few choice words for Apple and Janis that morning:
Seriously what happen to solid work ethic and consistent performance in today's society?
One random afternoon I was sitting at the table with my wife having coffee when all of a sudden we heard the song, "If You're Happy and You Know It" playing from upstairs. Then all of a sudden we heard Alessandra start singing along. We both just turned to each other and looked at each other like:
So naturally in my true sarcastic sense I yelled up to Alessandra and said, "is Wheels on the Bus" next? She yelled down, "No, the Hokey Pokey is on next!" Not exactly the response I was expecting, nor was I even going to ask why nursery rhymes were the Spotify playlist of the day so we just went with it. I mean at this point we've come to the conclusion that in order to live in this house you have to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic or just like Survivor:
It's simple, if you're driveway don't go all the way to the street in this house it's:
Moving on to my last rant of the night... dog toys! What the hell is the point of putting those squeaky things in the center of all the dog toys. Someone please enlighten me as to why this is necessary. I can tell you right now that whoever invented this idea is a sick individual sitting in his scientist room in a mansion somewhere looking like this:
First of all, the squeaking drives the pet owners to the point where they want to get down on all fours and rip the shit out of the toy with their teeth until they find the magical squeaker. Secondly the same applies for the dogs playing with the toys! Do you know how many squeakers I've found since we've owned dogs? Enough to be sitting in that bastards mansion along with him. We ended up throwing out all the dogs' toys and buying them one giant rope toy. Go ahead doggos have at!
Ok so I'm going to start off with a little debate. Here's the question: Who has it easier to pee in a cup when you're in a car stuck in traffic, a male or a female? Obviously the answer to this debate is males. Think about it? They can pee in almost anything, anywhere. A bottle, a cup, even a can (if their aim is on point) and they can pull over and pee on the side of a road. Females are screwed with wrath of a full bladder in an idle car. The reason I bring up this debate is because this past Wednesday we were driving back from the city after my mother-in-law's surgery, when just as we got into the tunnel, Bee had to pee. I look back in the rearview mirror and see Bee like this:
Clearly the tunnel doesn't have a pull over to pee lane, so we tried telling her to hold it until we got out of the tunnel, but the tunnel looked like this:
Not exactly reassuring, I know. So then we told her to pee in a cup. Why not, guys do it? Well, I would have sworn we told her to pee out of the window. Thank God my car has become the personal storage of Dunkin' Donuts cups, so we handed her one and said have at it. Tammy was coaching her through the process of how to actually pee in a cup, while Bianca was like, "I've never peed in a cup before, I don't know how?" Well there's a first for everything and NOW, is the time kiddo! I told her it was just like peeing in a cup at the doctor's minus the moving vehicle. Long story short, she finally peed in the cup and we all cheered like we just won the fucking lottery!
Moving on! While we are on the topic of the city. Can I just vent for a hot second about how much I hate driving in the friggen city? Where exactly are the lines that divide the lanes? Everyone is in such a friggen hurry to get front one red light to another. It's like fast and furious just get to a red light. New Yorkers really like to play red light green light go.
Then you just have people that are like fuck it and do this:
Don't even get me started on the cab drivers! Actually, no... let's talk about the assholes in the yellow cars! A truck was blocking two lanes on one of the side streets so of course I was stuck in the middle of the intersection on the main avenue. A cab driver started yelling at me and called me a "Beach". Now, I'm pretty sure he meant bitch, which then just prompted this response to every cab driver I passed:
Moving forward with the assholes in the world, lets discuss our cats. Now I have repeatedly discussed in prior blogs that our cats are complete assholes. If I haven't proved it in any other blogs, I shall prove it now. One morning last week I woke up for work and came out to make coffee and when I turned on the light I saw this:
WHAT THE FUCK? Yep..... that was my exact response. First I stood in the kitchen trying to figure out how these assholes open the refrigerator door. All I could envision was this happening, while we were all sleeping:
Clearly once the culprit got it open, this happened:
Little bastards had a feast while we were all sleeping! Not to mention decided to wreck the place. I wasn't sure what to do first, so like any normal person, I lectured the older cats on how they have to be the supervisors over the little ones. Once the lecture was over I then grounded all the cats. I thought the conversation went really well until I saw the oldest cat doing this:
The best part about the whole thing, is I know for a fact that all the kids heard us yelling at the cats and complaining about the mess they made. My wife and I clean up the disaster the cats left us and made coffee. Interestingly enough, just as the coffee finishes we hear, "Good morning! I can't believe I slept this late?" No....No....NO, you all weren't up there sleeping, you were up there hiding.. Mammas know children! Then they wanna say, "ooooh coffee".... That had me like:
You all can take yourselves to Dunkin' Donuts, McDonald's or Starbucks and buy yourselves some coffee, that pot of freshly brewed coffee is for the Mammas that just cleaned up after all ya damn cats! Acting like you didn't hear us down here. Then, after the mess is all cleaned up you all magically arise from you "deep sleep" like Sleeping Beauties like:
I'm sitting at the table like:
Yep.... yes it is!
Happy Monday Team Gaydy! Hope everyone had a nice weekend, if you did, I don't want to hear about it! I'm kidding. Please tell me all about your wonderful weekends, while I worked 10 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday. No really, I'm not bitter at all, I really want to hear all about your weekends with your families and the fun things you did. Go ahead, I'm listening:
So let's fill you all in shall we? Last weekend after working the whole week days and nights and the weekend Tammy and I went to our cousin's 21st birthday party. I was exhausted so after mingling for a little bit, I decided to sit in my cousin's "UComfort" Chair. Has anyone ever heard of or seen these chairs? At first glance it looks like a chair to the gates of heaven. However, when you sit in it and turn it on, you quickly realize that its the chair that will take you directly to the gates of hell! If you don't know what I'm talking about, this is what the chair looks like:
Seriously, doesn't it look like heaven? All innocent sitting there? NO!!!! You turn that thing on and it turns into a friggen chair of torture run by Satan himself. I hit the "relax" button and immediately the chair dropped back and the feet raised and all of a sudden I started getting punched in the back, by what felt like the fists of little baby devils all the way up my spine. As if that wasn't bad enough, the things that hold the calves started squeezing them like a blood pressure cuff. It doesn't end there my friends. After being rapidly punched for 10 minutes straight and my calves squeezed until I felt little heart beats in them, the chair arches your back into a position that the friggen spine IS NOT SUPPOSE TO GO INTO! I tried to turn it off, but I couldn't figure out the remote so I had to endure another round of torture, all while my wife is showing my mother-in-law a video a made of our son's wedding. So while I'm being tortured all you hear is A Thousand Years by Christina Perri in the background and here I am like:
Every time the chair arched me back into a normal position, I'd see my wife look over at me like:
No worries hunny, I got it all under control. Don't help, just sit there and watch the video for the hundredth time. It's good. I'm good. No worries. When I finally managed to escape the death chair, I was standing in front of my wife like:
My wife and my mother-in-law looked up at me and said, "did that chair help your muscles". WHAT?!!?! Did you not see my entire body go into convulsions and being arched into positions that the human body can't possibly go into unless forced? At that point I decided I deserved a cigarette, so I went out side and my cousin was outside and said, "Isn't that chair amazing!?" Naturally I was thinking, NO, that chair is the devil full of evilness. So I responded, "oh my god it's amazing!"
Let's move on from the devil's throne because I still have nightmares about that chair. So one night last week we were watching Buzzfeed Unsolved Mysteries with our daughter Bianca and it was the episode of Human Combustion. Apparently some chick combusted into flames while sitting in her chair. At first I thought I solved the mystery by yelling out that she sat in the UComfort chair, but I was wrong, it was a recliner. So the next morning Bianca comes down and says she feels really hot. Then all of a sudden she starts panicking. We asked her what was wrong and she was like, "oh my god, I feel so hot, like from the inside, oh my god what If I combust". Clearly me being me, my reaction was something like this:
Shit even the dogs were like:
Now, I've mentioned many times before that I'm not the good parent, so I told her don't worry if you combust we have a fire extinguisher under the sink. This did not help the situation, so my wife jumped in and told her that she wasn't going to combust. Oh yea..that's reassuring. I thought my suggestion was much more assuring. My wife tells her there's only 200 suspected cases and she's pretty sure that she wouldn't be 201 because we don't know if these "suspected cases" are actually real! Again, my reaction:
Okay, so we've covered the chair from hell and the human combustion. Let's move on to quality time with my wife and I on my day off. So my wife wants to spend the day out and about because it was a beautiful day and I've been working non-stop. No problem. So we were driving and like NORMAL people I had my arm out the window enjoying the beautiful weather. That was quickly interrupted by the intense pain of my arm being rolled up in the window. I swear for a second I had lost my arm from the elbow down. I start screaming, "BABE, BABE, MY FUCKING ARM IS STUCK!" What does she do? She starts laughing hysterically! While she's laughing hysterically my arm is currently losing circulation and looking like this out of the window
When she finally decided to roll the window down, her response to me, while still laughing is "how was I suppose to know your arm was out the window?" Oh I don't know... nice day, windows are rolled down, what the hell else do you do with your arms? YOU PUT ONE OF THEM OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!!! That only prompted her to laugh hysterically for the next five minutes. So while I'm sitting in the passenger seat, trying to regain blood flow to my arm, she's over in the driver seat like:
So this past Friday, Bianca had a Summer BBQ for her job. I had to work, but Tammy took the kids. The theme was a western theme and apparently they were supposed to have a lama there. Can you ride lamas? I don't think you can ride a lama... they spit! Imagine all those poor kids there waiting in line to ride a lama and this happens:
Poor kids! What a western show down. Since when are lamas apart of a western theme too? In any event, I found out later that night they didn't have a lama, they had a pony instead. Which makes more sense if you think about it.
Pony = western, Lama=spitting contest.
Well there ya have it, another fun filled week of the adventures of the Gaydy Bunch Family.