House Party, Driving Lessons & Jenga Dishes

It has been an insanely busy month. I have been coaching two girls' AAU basketball teams, so my week nights are filled with practices, reviewing game films and going over strategies, while the weekends are consumed by tournaments. Most of the weekends, we're driving from one end of the state to the other. Basically our weekends look a lot like this:

Speaking about driving all over the place, Bianca started her diving lessons this month and will be taking her road test in the next week or so. I get the job of teaching our girls how to drive, since my wife still suffers from some post-traumatic stress from her accident. Lucky me! I practiced a few times with Bianca before she started lessons and I personally thought she did a great job. However, Bianca has this thing where the entire time she's driving she constantly repeats "I'm going to die, I'm going to die!" I have to reassure her that she's not going to die. The first few times we went out it resembled a lot like this:

The "I'm going to die" comment carried over to her lessons with the driving school. Fortunately she had a very patient instructor that reassured her that dying wasn't an option. Apparently the instructor wasn't happy with the way I taught her how to take right hand turns. She had come home from lesson and told us that he was like "Bianca you need slow down when taking those right hand turns". According to Bianca her right hand turns are kind of like this:

Look I don't see anything wrong taking a turn like that. What does he expect her to do? Stop and then make the turn?? Come on Dave.. get with the program. Needless to say her right hand turns got better, she completed her lessons and is now ready for her test! 

Mother nature is finally getting her shit together and realizing that we are in April and we need warmer weather. That being said, my wife had the brilliant idea of taking our two doggos to the dog park. The dog park is always fun with our two dogs. Now in fun, I mean if you want to slowly stab yourself repeatedly with a sharp object while you sit and watch two boujee ass dogs do absolutely nothing! This dog park is like Great Adventure for dogs without the lines. I mean this place has dog tunnels, hoops, toys and buckets of water. What do our two dogs do? One is sitting on my wife's lap and the other pissing on everything he sees even though he's got nothing left. Like why you lifting up your leg to pee on something bruh when you know your tank is empty? Like what's the point?

I put teddy in the tunnel and he was confused as hell. Here I am on the other side talking to him like a child, saying "come on buddy walk through it". Meanwhile he's in the middle of the tunnel like:

It took him about a good 5 minutes to realize he wasn't trapped. Then I decided to play fetch with him. So here I am throwing a ball and yelling "Teddy get the ball", while Teddy is like:

Clearly he wasn't feeling the "I throw the ball, you run and bring it back game". I looked at my wife and said "what the hell is wrong with our dogs? Dogs are supposed to love the dog park. Not these two! When we got home, they both ran to their water bowls and drank like they ran a damn 5K and then curled up on the couch and took a nap. What the hell were they tired from. One sat on the bench, while other thought he was trapped inside a tunnel. I looked at my wife and said, "well that was 30 minutes of my life I'll never get back".  

Moving on.. so by now you all know that we have a shit ton of kids. So a few weekends ago it was tournament weekend, my wife and I were up at 6am and on the road by 8am for our 9:30 game. I had a total of 5 games between my two teams. After the tournament, Tammy and I stopped to grab something to eat and when we got home the house was dark. At first I was like "YES, they're out doing sibling shit and its quiet relaxation time for us"! We get out of the car and all of a sudden we hear this insanely loud obnoxious music playing and strobe lights coming from our living room. I turned to my wife and said "what the fuck is happening right now?" As soon as we walk in this happened:

I'm getting jumped into, spun around, pushed, shaken and blinded by some makeshift fucking strobelights made out of our sauce pots and cell phones! I look down and I see Bianca doing her Sweat workout on a yoga mat. No lie, while all this is happening, there's Bianca like:

We literally thought we were on Prank Wars and the Twilight Zone combined. Complete and total mind fuck! Not to mention I had left overs from our dinner in a bag that I put in the kitchen, after I eventually escaped the insanity of what we call our children; I walk into the kitchen and Mike is getting ready to throw my left overs in the garbage. H-O-L-D T-H-E F-U-C-K!! Listen off springs.. it's one thing to play games with me, but when you fuck with my leftovers we throwing down. This house party went on for hours and then they all went their separate ways leaving the pots. No really don't worry, we'll put them away! 

While we're on the topic of kids, can we discuss how kids will wash their dishes but keep piling them in the drainboard. Last time I checked, the drainboard didn't put the shit away itself. Our drainboard looks like this:

It's like Jenga with plates, cups, coffee mugs, pots, pans and silverware. I purposely wait to see how high the tower of clean dishes gets before I or my wife have to put them away. Same goes for the dish soap, if you're pumping it onto the sponge and foam is coming out, it should be a clear indication to fill the fucking thing up! Nope, moms do that too. Paper towels.. forget it. It's taboo to change the empty paper towel roll. Is there something in a kids' head that thinks the brown empty cardboard roll looks fucking appealing?! Oh I'm not done.. what about toilet paper. All these kids have a bathroom but they all gotta use ours, use our toilet paper and then when I go in I HAVE TO CHANGE THE BROWN EMPTY ROLL! What sick twisted satisfaction do kids get by doing this? Pure evil. That's it I'm on strike. I don't care how high the pile gets in the drainboard, I'll leave the brown paper towel cardboard roll up, I'll hide my toilet paper and leave the empty roll on the holder. It's on now! 

Because we are stellar moms we went out early Easter morning and got the kids some things. All great moms do shit last minute! Every Easter we BBQ because we do. Mainly because we have a million kids and going out to dinner is like a mortgage payment so we keep it simple. So I of course stay outside and get smoke in my eyes, burns on my arms from the heat of the grill and cook the food and then come in smelling like Fire Marshall Bill, while everyone inside is laughing and enjoying each other. I come in with the food like:

So after dinner, we were all hanging out and Carlton and Alessandra starting having this conversation about Jesus. Alessandra, who by the way attended CCD, made her communion and confirmation, says, "so what happens after today? Does Jesus go back to his tomb?" Carlton jumps in and goes, "Or does he just roam around?" At this point all I could do is give them both this look:

Yep, Jesus is just roaming around until next Easter! What the hell is the matter with ya'll??

On that note, another tournament weekend is upon me! Stay tuned for our next podcast coming next week.